Chapter 17: Hope dangles on a string like slow spinning redemption, winding in and winding out.

Xander awoke to banging on his front door. He tried the age-old tactic of ignoring it, but it wouldn't go away. He shuffled out of bed, pulling on a pair of jeans as he went over to the door and glanced out the peephole. He sighed, unlocking the door and opening it a few inches. "Not really in the mood for company, Faith."

"Too bad." she replied. He was blocking her from entering, so she shoved the door open and walked in. "I've tried to be patient, I've tried to be a good friend and let you work your way through this, but it's time for you to pull your head out of your ass and fix your relationship."

Xander sighed, and headed to the kitchen to start the coffee. It was way too early in the morning to deal with real life. He sat at the kitchen table, waiting for the coffee to brew. Faith took the seat next to him.

"It's an advance copy." Faith said, setting a small paperback book on the table. "B stole it from Spike, and gave it to me to show to you. You might wanna take a look at it."

Xander's fingers ran over the glossy picture of Spike on the back cover. It was one of the ones he'd taken in the park, and Spike was sprawled on the ground, grinning happily, punk to the core despite the grass and tiny flowers around his head. It was one of his favorite shots of Spike, and he had the original print framed on his bedside table. Faith silently watched him as he opened the book and read the dedication.

"To my Serendipitous Xan. I will love you until the stars turn cold." He'd barely scanned the pages before he realized that every single one of the twenty-five poems were about him. The two poems on the website he could write off as a passing fancy. He'd felt special and honored that Spike had used him for inspiration, but he'd figured that someone else, someone more worthy of William would soon catch his fancy, and then he'd forget all about Xander. But this, an entire book full of poems written for him, this was something different. This was evidence of a bond that had formed between them, one that shouldn't be broken so easily. He stopped to read one of the poems, recognizing one of their conversations in the park within the lines.

Transfiguration

Like the seasons of Earth, and the moon's phases,
In your eyes, everything changes.
Things never worthy of note before you,
Now they turn and twist into something new.
Pigment darkens, leaves fall and they die,
Skeleton branches clawing the sky.
Images repeated time and again,
Your eyes doth ordinary rend.
Every branch is different, every leaf unique,
The infinity of patterns each snowflake will seek.
I never noticed the details before
You drew back my curtains and opened my door.
And now, though I feel more overwhelmed by the minute,
My life wouldn't be whole without you right here in it.

Spike really did love him, and he loved Spike, heart and body and soul. The truth hit him like a swift blow to the stomach. The tiny tendrils of doubt that had lingered were blown away, and all he could feel was Spike's love for him. He was still blanketed in shame for having pushed that love away, but the overwhelming feeling of depression was starting to lift. He still didn't feel worthy of Spike's love, but he was tempted to be selfish enough to hold onto it. He quickly flipped to the last page of the book, wondering what Spike had written, what his last thoughts had been. His eyes started to water, the words blurring on the page as he read.

Begging Forgiveness

Long ago I crafted armor,
Razors and barbed wire wrapped around me.
I didn't warn you,
Didn't stop you from cutting
Yourself on my edges and secrets.
I tried to hide the truth,
My shroud is in shreds and tatters,
My mask is blinding me.
Darkness reigning now that your light has left,
I'm curled in the corner, rocking in my misery
Helpless, hopeless, without you.

Xander sobbed, biting his fist to muffle the horrible sounds issuing from his throat. Faith wrapped her arms around him and he clung to her, crying his heart out on her shoulder.

"""

Spike walked in, agitation pouring off his body in waves. He sprawled in his usual chair, don't-mess-with-me glare reflected right back at him by the large mirror against the wall.

"Something bothering you?" Andrew asked, standing behind his chair. Spike glared at his reflection for another moment.

"Brown." he finally said, resigned.

Andrew blinked. "I'm sorry. For a moment I thought you said you wanted to get rid of this lovely blond, and go back to your natural color."

"You heard right." Spike snapped.

"Babe, calm down, take a chill pill." Andrew said, hands raised in a peaceful gesture. "Tell me what's wrong."

Spike sighed. "You ever been in love, Drew?" he said quietly. Andrew made a sympathetic sound.

"Poor baby. Did he break your heart?"

"Yeah. " Spike admitted. "But I think I broke his first." He stared into his own eyes in the mirror. Andrew watched as determination spread over his features. "I'm going to win him back. I don't know how, but I'll find a way. And the first step is going back to what I used to be, as close to natural as you can get."

"As you wish." Andrew said, and got to work turning Spike back into William.

"""

The morning was the same as usual, busy but easily forgettable, until the screech-thunk-thunk sound outside. The Barnes and Noble that Spike worked at was not too far away from downtown, on a main four-lane street that had a lot of traffic during regular business hours. It wasn't unheard of for a car to be rear-ended as it slowed down to turn in to one of the many businesses lining the street, but this was starting to get obnoxious.

"Not again. Didn't we just have an accident last week? At least that one didn't run into a parked car; that's going to be a bitch to fix." Buffy grabbed the phone and dialed the city police, and gave them the address of the store where the accident was. People in the store who had heard the impact were filtering out the front door and into the parking lot to see the aftermath. Spike glanced out the front window. From what he could tell, the white SUV had slammed full-speed into the back of the beat-up blue Buick, which had been hit so hard it smashed into one of the parked cars - a purple Honda civic - in the Barnes and Noble lot with enough force to smash the front of the Buick up and in, bending the hood like an accordion. The force had also pushed the civic out of its parking space, but luckily there had been no one parked next to it. The owner of the civic broke away from the crowd of people at the entrance and was currently talking to the guy who had gotten out of the SUV. "No, I don't know if anyone's been injured." Buffy said one the phone, "Nobody's gotten out of the blue car yet." She covered the mouthpiece with her hand, and said to Spike, "You know, that Buick looks kind of familiar - do you recognize it?"

Spike's eyes widened as he recognized the vehicle. "Xander." he whispered, and Buffy's face grew horrified.

"Oh shit." Buffy murmured, and then she was talking into the phone again. Spike sprinted to the end of the counter, went around it, and ran out the door. Pushing his way through the crowd of onlookers, he finally broke through and ran to the driver's side door of the blue Buick.

Xander's eyes were closed and there was blood pouring down the side of his face. His seatbelt was on, but Spike couldn't see his chest rising and falling. "Xan, oh God, Xan." Spike cried, reaching out to open the door.

A man in a police uniform caught his wrist, and was standing between him and the car faster than he could blink. "Sir, we're going to have to ask you to step aside." Spike hadn't even heard the police cars or the ambulance pull up. He let the police officer push him back a little, but not enough that he couldn't still see Xander. Paramedics swarmed around the car and opened the door, extracting Xander from the wreckage and loading him onto a stretcher that was flat on the ground.

"He's not breathing. There's no pulse." One of the medics said. Another one got out those electric-pad things Spike recognized from episodes of ER. "Clear!" The medic said, and Spike felt the sudden urge to vomit as he watched Xander's body jerk from the electric shock. "No response. Clear!" Another jerk, and the medics were checking for a pulse again. "He's gone." They wrote down the time of death, and one of the medics got out a body bag. Somebody was wailing in grief, making loud sobbing noises. Buffy appeared out of nowhere and Spike clung to her, soaking her shoulder with his tears as he stared at Xander's still form. She was making nonsensical little shushing noises, but he couldn't really hear them over the wailing. After a few moments he realized the wailing was coming from his own throat, and as they zipped up the body bag, he shut his eyes and surrendered to the grief that was pulling him under.

"Spike!"

Spike opened his eyes and blinked, focusing on Buffy's silhouette at the door of his bedroom. She came over to sit on the edge of his bed and he sat up and wiped away the tears that has been streaming down his face. "Are you okay?" She asked, clearly worried.

"Yeah, 'm fine." Spike replied, his voice hoarse from crying.

"You don't look fine, and you were making some really weird noises." Buffy said.

"Was just a nightmare." Spike replied, shaking his head to clear it.

"Do you wanna talk---" Buffy said, but was interrupted.

"No." Spike said firmly. She cocked an eyebrow at him, and he looked down at his lap where his hands were fiddling with the hem of the blanket. "I dreamed that Xan died in a car wreck." he said, so quietly she almost missed it.

Buffy laid her hand over Spike's and squeezed. "Oh sweetheart, are you okay?"

Spike sniffed back the tears that were threatening to fall again. "Yeah. It was just a dream, nothing to fret about. I'll be fine."

"I'm sure Willow will let you call off again," Buffy added, but Spike shook his head.

"No, I want to work. Need to do something to get my mind off of it. Just let Wills know that I'll be a little late, okay?"

"Sure, no problem." Buffy replied. "Can I ask... what's with the brown hair?"

Spike half-shrugged. "I'm going back to what I was."

"Why?"

"For Xander. Because William is what caught his attention first, who he had crushed on before me. So I'm going to be what he wants."

"All right. If that's what you think he wants." She kissed Spike's cheek before withdrawing. She paused at the door. "Take your time getting to work today, okay?"

"Okay." he replied, and she left.

"""

Xander ignored the alarm clock, living in denial that he was waiting until after he knew Spike should be at work to get out of bed. He took a short cold shower, barely long enough to rinse the soap off, and then dressed and got in his car to head to the park. Glancing at the dashboard en route, he cursed as he noticed the gas gauge was on empty. Xander pulled into the first gas station he saw and got out to pump.

"""

Spike took a long hot shower, trying to get rid of the images from the nightmare that haunted him every time he closed his eyes. He got dressed for work, and noticed the two party tickets on the table as he walked out. On an impulse he stuffed them in his pocket and headed for his car. He was tempted to turn on the radio while he drove, but he was still shook up from the dream, and was afraid that even that much of a distraction would get him in an accident. A blue Buick caught his eye at the gas station as he passed, and for a moment he thought he saw Xander pumping gas. He did a quick double-take, and swerved into the next lane and then into the gas station lot, thanking every higher power he could think of that he didn't get into a wreck pulling a stunt like that.

A glance in the rear-view mirror reminded him of his current hair color, and he grabbed one of Buffy's old "Sunnydale U" baseball caps from the back seat and put it on. He pulled into one of the parking spaces next to the station's mini-mart, got out, and headed over to where Xander was standing before he lost his nerve.

"Hey." Spike said, pausing a few feet away.

Xander looked up. "Hey." he replied. Spike tried to figure out Xander's emotions from his tone of voice, but the one word had been so brief that he couldn't read anything into it. But at least Xander was talking to him - that was a start, right? He let his eyes drink in the sight of Xander, disheveled as he was. His hair had dried in an unruly tumble, and it looked like Xander hadn't shaved since the day of the signing. There were dark lines under his eyes, and he looked thinner than Spike remembered, but no matter how unkempt Xander looked, Spike still had to resist the urge to jump him. "What are you doing here?" Spike noticed that Xander had a strange look on his face, and was staring at the baseball cap as if it was a raw turkey Spike was wearing on his head. And it was no wonder, as Spike knew that Xander knew that Spike never wore hats.

"Saw you pumping gas." Spike blurted before he could think of a better 'oh, it was just a coincidence' kind of answer. "I wanted to say hi."

Xander blinked, "Hi, then." He tilted his head slightly. "Was there anything else?"

Spike pulled out one of the tickets and extended it towards Xander. "There's a Halloween party at Barnes and Noble tomorrow night. I was" hoping "wondering if you'd like to come."

Xander took the ticket, and looked back up into Spike's eyes with a small smile. "I'd like that."

"Really?" Spike smiled back, suddenly bouncing on his feet. "I mean, cool. See you there." he smiled again and walked back to his car, using every bit of his will power to not look back and see if Xander was watching him leave. Spike got in his car and let himself glance back at where Xander was, and couldn't help the grin when he saw that Xander was still looking at him. He waved a little, and Xander waved back as Spike drove away.

"""

Xander glanced down at the ticket in his hand and then slid it into his pocket with a grin. Maybe things between them weren't as wrecked as he'd thought they were. After all, Spike had pulled off an impressive lane change just to invite him to the party. He watched Spike drive away and suddenly frowned. What on earth was he going to wear to the party?