Chapter Four: Teacups and Sappy Endings

After the ordeal with Altron coming to life, Quatre consoled a despondent Wufei. In the meantime, Trowa attempted to figure out what kind of glitch Wufei's Gundam must have had. After tinkering with it for a few hours, Trowa learned that Altron had experienced a malfunction that enabled the computer to talk and attack its pilot. Wufei, however, could not be convinced; he was positive that the spirit of his late wife, Nataku, inhabited his Gundam, and that she had been waiting to lash out at him for years after her death. Exasperated, Trowa persuaded Wufei to find his inner strength. Much to his and Quatre's relief, Wufei finally snapped out of it. He happily indulged in a three-hour Facts of Life marathon; then the guys decided to try to shop at the marketplace again.

As they headed to a booth boasting different kinds of decorative teacups, which avid collector Quatre was particularly excited about, an old peddler bumped into Wufei. "Oh, I'm so sorry," the old man said, bowing.

"You fool!" Wufei growled. "How weak you are to offer me an apology." The man looked shocked by Wufei's brashness.

"Wufei," Trowa cut in, "you are unwise to disrespect your elders."

Wufei's eyes widened, and he fell to his knees. "Forgive me! I shall humble myself before you. I have insulted a man who is weaker than I! I am unwise! I am WEAK! GWWWAAAAAHHHHH!"

Before anyone had a chance to say anything else, Rashid came running up to Quatre. "Master Quatre—whoops, forget I said that! I have splendid news!"

Quatre looked surprised. "Th-that's great, Rashid! What is it?"

"I have found a lamp with a genie in it!"

"They exist?"

"Yes! Anyway, I made my three wishes, and now I am a very wealthy man! I own Fiji, and a life-time supply of lime-green socks!"

"Wow, that's cool, Rashid! But wait a minute—what did you do with your third wish?"

"Well, Master Quatre, I asked the genie if I could quit."

"Of course you can quit, Rashid, but you didn't have to ask the genie that; you could've just asked me."

Rashid's jaw dropped. "You mean I wasted my third wish?"

"I'm afraid so."

"Nooooo! Darn the luck! Oh well, I'm a free man! See you, Master Quatre—oh yeah, don't have to call you that anymore! I'm going to Fiji!" With that, Rashid ran off like a madman.

The three Gundam pilots all looked at one another and shrugged.

"That was… different," Trowa remarked.

Meanwhile, Milliardo Peacecraft and Lucrezia Noin were vacationing in the Bahamas. As they relaxed in the tropical sunshine, they were startled by people's sudden shouts.

"Aaahhh! What's that in the sky?"

"It's a bird!"

"No, it's a plane!"

"Shut up, you morons; it's Superman, and everyone knows it!"

"You fools," Milliardo muttered. "It's a Gundam."

Wing Zero and Deathscythe Hell appeared and landed near Milliardo and Noin.

"Those Gundams belong to Heero and Duo. I wonder what they're doing here?" Noin mused.

"A vacation in the Bahamas for two?" Milliardo chuckled.

To their surprise, it was not Heero that emerged from the mobile suit, but Relena.

"Relena!" Milliardo scolded. "What on earth are you doing inside Wing Zero? You'll get yourself killed!"

"You have to help me, big brother! I have to get this thing fixed before Heero gets back, but I don't know the first thing about repairing Gundams!"

Milliardo sighed. "Well, Noin, it looks like our vacation is being cut short. Let's say we fix Wing Zero up and get back here as soon as possible, agreed?"

"Yeah," Noin sighed. "Agreed."

With that, they headed to Heero's secret hangar to fix up the Gundams, hoping that he and Duo would never know the difference. They completed the repairs just before Duo and Heero returned from their trip. When the two pilots arrived, Relena and Hilde greeted them as if nothing had happened.

"Hi, Heero!" Relena ran up and gave him a hug. "How was your trip?"

He shrugged her off. "Where's Zero? You were supposed to watch it! I want to know what happened."

"N-nothing, Heero! I don't know what you're talking about," Relena stammered.

Heero pushed past Relena and stalked over to his Gundam.

"Hey, Deathscythe looks good, doesn't he Hilde?" Duo inspected his Gundam proudly.

Hilde breathed a sigh of relief. "Yeah, Duo, it does."

Just then Heero emerged from Wing Zero's cockpit. "Who was in Zero, Relena? Somebody was. Even if I hadn't seen it on the news, I'd still know. I can tell."

Just great, Relena thought. I tried so hard to avoid those cameras!

Heero walked over to Relena and said calmly, "Just tell me the truth, Relena. Were you the one who took Zero?"

Relena broke down under the pressure. "Yes, Heero, it was me!" To his chagrin, she burst into tears. "I'm the one who stole it and went for a joy ride! I'm the one who destroyed the Zeon colony! I'm so sorry! Go ahead and kill me—I deserve it!"

Heero stood for a moment in apparent shock. Then he began to shake, trying to hold in his laughter. He gave up and threw his head back, laughing like a crazed hyena.

"Huh?" Duo and Hilde stopped their stream of chatter and gaped at the hysterical Heero. Relena wrung her hands anxiously; for the life of her, she couldn't figure out why her confession struck him as funny.

"Heero? Heero! What's going on? Why are you laughing? Aren't you mad at me?" Relena cried in desperation. Heero stopped laughing for a second to look at her, then started up again, clutching his stomach.

Concerned, Duo grabbed Heero by the shoulders and gave him a shake. "Yo, He-man, snap out of it!" When Heero didn't stop, Duo scratched his head in confusion. "The guy's gone bonkers!"

His eyes gleaming, Heero turned back to Relena. Speaking between chuckles, he tried to regain his composure. "Zero...heh... told me everything... you said already...hmph..."

Relena's eyes widened. "It can do that?"

Heero chuckled again. "Yes. And based on the information I received, I have one thing to ask you."

Relena swallowed hard. "Yes, Heero?"

Heero's lips twitched into a smirk. "Do you want to go out for a taco?"

Relena crinkled her nose. "What for, Heero? You know I can't stand Mexican food."

That was all it took to send Heero into another fit of laughter. When Hilde realized that he was referring to Relena's Taco Bell incident, she started laughing, too. Relena looked frustrated enough to cry.

Duo flung his hands into the air in confusion. "The day these two would share a belly laugh... Man! I never saw it coming! I don't get it!" He stalked away, shaking his head.

So, our story ends with our characters in a mess of utter confusion and inside jokes... What, you don't want me to end it that way? Okay, fine; everybody went to Quatre's for a great big slumber party, where they wore feety pajamas and ate beef jerky while watching old Julia Roberts films. Still not buying it? Okay, we'll just check in with the characters, then...

HEERO was never the same after experiencing his first true belly laugh. He started indulging in Saturday Night Live reruns and could soon do a mean Wayne's World imitation. His new goal in life is to become a syndicated talk show host.

RELENA found Heero to be even more of an enigma once he discovered humor. Feeling lost without the stoic boy she knew and loved, she started hanging around chic cafés, making up poetry about trees and learning to play bongos. It was there that she met STAN, a rising star of gothic rock music. The two have been melancholy together ever since.

DUO and HILDE decided to give the failed Vegas vacation another shot. They gambled illegally, but managed to win a billion dollars! They took their fortune and moved to Arabia so they could be Quatre's neighbors. However, they were so busy spending all of their winnings on sports cars, video games, and junk food that they forgot about their house payments. When they went broke, QUATRE took them in out of the kindness of his heart, and they have been paying him back by slowly driving him insane ever since… But he still collects teacups. Sad but true.

One night, WUFEI had a dream where he was walking down a long corridor filled with dancing teacups. One of the teacups turned into a large, robotic beast. Wufei thought the mecha was challenging him, but Trowa appeared out of nowhere and was pummeled by the teacup mecha. It was here that Trowa's human weaknesses were revealed to Wufei, so Wufei stopped worshipping the ground Trowa walked on. Instead, he denounced himself as a vegetarian and ordered a big slab of meat for breakfast as soon as he awoke.

TROWA returned to the circus, showcasing a new skill he picked up in Arabia—teacup juggling!

THE END

(Financed by the Arabian Ladies' Decorative Tea Cup Collector's Club, chapter 741)