Disclaimer: Saying that I'm JK Rowling is like saying that Bush is a competent president. And to clarify things, Bush is NOT a competent president.

"Harry! What are you doing here? Are you starting homework that's due next week?"

Harry looked up from the hideously difficult essay for Snape to see Ron sitting in front of him, looking stunned.

Harry shifted uncomfortably. "Yeah, well, you know how Hermione's always saying it's much better to finish homework first and then relax later. I've decided to give it a try."

This had some partial truth to it. Hermione had said this numerable times. But it was actually Ginny who persuaded him to start his homework early. Just in not so many words. Harry witnessed Dean get a thorough Weasley scolding when he neglected to finish his homework in time to take Ginny out on their promised date.

"Forget about me," said Harry. "What are you doing here?"

This time it was Ron's turn to look uncomfortable. "Oh. Well, I figured it would be the last place Lavender would come to look for me."

This statement confused Harry. "Are you avoiding her?"

"Well, yeah," said Ron. "It's just that...every time I turn, she's there. And every time she's there, she wants to snog. I'm telling you, cannot breathe properly anymore. I just need a few minutes where no one's calling me 'Won-won'"

Harry chuckled, which caused Ron to glare. "I'm sorry, mate. I'm not laughing at you."

"Anyways," Ron continued, "I think I wanna finish it with her."

Harry was not surprised. "Okay."

"Okay?" said Ron. "That's all you have to say?"

"Yeah," said Harry. "You were bound to get tired of her one of these days. Besides, your plan was backfiring anyways."

"What are you talking about?" asked Ron, even though he knew perfectly well what Harry was talking about. He just didn't want Harry to know that he knew perfectly well what Harry was talking about. Although Harry did know that Ron knew perfectly well what he was talking about, so Ron's attempts were pretty much useless.

"You know perfectly well what I'm talking about," said Harry. "The only reason you went out with Lavender is to make Hermione jealous and make some dumb point about how you could get any girl you want, even though we all know that the only girl you want is Hermione."

"I do not–" began Ron, until he realized denying it was useless. "Yeah, you're right. God, if I didn't say yes when Lavender asked me out, I could be snogging Hermione instead of Lavender. I'm such an idiot."

Harry snorted. "You just found that out?"

Ron ignored his comment. "Harry, help me. How do I break up with her?"

"Easy," replied Harry. "Just say 'Lavender, I think you're a slaggy ho and I wanna break up.'"

"Harry, that's not funny," said Ron as Harry sniggered. "I've hinted at breaking up but it seems she just clings on tighter. I just don't wanna hurt her."

"I know," said Harry, suddenly serious. "But you need to break up soon or she'll become unbearable. It'll blow over eventually. In fact, here's your chance."

Before Ron knew what was happening, he felt a pair of feminine hands cover his eyes and a voice whisper, "Guess who, Won-won?" in his ear.

"Hey Lavender," Ron said resignedly.

Lavender removed her hands and took the seat next to Ron's. "How'd you know it was me?"

Ron stared at her like she was crazy. "Lavender, are you serious?"

Harry laughed and Ron glared once more. "I'm sorry, I'm intruding. I'll just go."

Ron started to protest but with a "Good luck, mate," Harry took his leave.

Lavender stared at Ron curiously. "What did he mean by 'good luck'? Whatever, who cares. He's gone and now we can do this."

Lavender leaned in and gave Ron a nice, long smooch. Ron sighed against her mouth but it wasn't a ooh-this-feels-so-good kind of sigh. It was more of a this-has-gotten-kinda-boring sigh. After a few moments, Ron pulled away.

"Lavender," said Ron, "I don't think Madame Pince would like it if she caught us snogging in the library."

"We could go to your dorm room, if you'd like," said Lavender grinning. "I don't think anyone's in there."

"Uh, no," said Ron, surprising Lavender. No one's ever turned her down before. "Why don't we do something other than snogging and... the like?"

Lavender wriggled her nose. "What can be better than snogging?"

"Oh, I dunno," said Ron. "We could have a nice, intellectual conversation?"

"You? Intellectual conversation?" Lavender snickered. But she looked apologetic when Ron had a slightly hurt expression. "I'm sorry. What would you like to talk about?"

"You pick the topic," suggested Ron.

"Let's talk about," Lavender took a moment to think, "Fashion! Omigod, me and Parvati were looking through Witch Weekly and I saw the cutest dress robes. They were a gorgeous lilac color and had gold trimmings. However, it cost a fortune, about 250 galleons. But I did the see the most adorable shoes..."

Having some one shoot you with the Cruciatus Curse twelve million times couldn't be half as bad as this, thought Ron as Lavender rambled on and on about the most inane things.

"...like, ever. Ron, what do you think?"

"Erm," Ron hesitated. What the hell was she talking about? "I think it's awesome."

Apparently Ron chose the right answer because Lavender just said, "Exactly" and continued her gossip.

"...But I think she's totally lying. By the way Ron, are you going to the talent show tomorrow night?"

"Huh?" Ron zoned out once again. "Oh yeah, I kinda have to. Hermione would expect me to show support."

"Oh, I heard Hermione Granger was performing. Is it true?" Her voice was disbelieving.

"Yeah, she's dancing. Why?" asked Ron defensively. "You don't think she has talent?"

"Chill, I didn't say that," said Lavender. "It's just...I didn't think she does anything else other than studying. She's always seemed sort of, I dunno, square."

Ron had the final straw. Her constant presence, her irritating obsession with gossip and fashion and her underestimation of his intelligence were all horrible enough but Ron found that he could not stand it if Lavender insulted Hermione in front of him.

"Lavender," began Ron hesitatingly. "I have something to tell you."

"Okay," said Lavender. "Shoot."

Ron took a deep breath. "I think we should break up."

Lavender looked shocked for a moment and then laughed. "I'm sorry, I don't think I heard you right."

This is not going to go well, thought Ron.

"If you heard, 'We should break up,'" said Ron cautiously, "then you heard right. But it's not you. It's me. I mean, in the beginning, you were great. And the snogging was terrific. But after a while, we've sort of drifted apart. I'm sorry, Lavender." He added when he saw the stung and disbelieving expression on Lavender's face.

Suddenly Lavender's expression turned to one of anger. "Wait a minute. Is this because of what I said about Hermione Granger?"

Ron cringed. "Well, it sort of triggered my decision."

Lavender let out a derisive laugh. "I can't believe I'm being dumped for another woman."

"No, Lavender," said Ron quickly and desperately. "Seriously, it's not like that. I'm not dumping you for someone else. I've just gotten tired of you."

When Ron realized what he had said, he instantly regretted it. Lavender's eyes blazed as she said, "You know what, Ron? It's not you who's ending it, it's me. You hear that? I'm dumping you, Ron Weasley!"

Lavender got up, huffing and muttering. Madame Pince threw her furious stares and shushes but no avail. Before heading out the door, Lavender turned and yelled, "Why don't you go and stick your head in a boiling vat of a Spot Removing Potion, you filthy prat!"

People were staring at Ron. He attempted to joke. "Well, I'd say, that went well."

Oh, shite, thought Ron. I'll give it two hours max for the whole school to find out about this.

"Parvati!" screamed Hermione. "You're pulling too hard!"

"Do you want to achieve Farge's look or not?" Ginny asked, looking up from the latest issue of Witch Weekly.

Hermione winced. "Yes but I don't want to be decapitated in the process. And her name is Fergie. Ow!"

"There," said Parvati as she made the final yank on Hermione's ponytail. "Now, on to your make up."

"But make it look subtle," Hermione tried to say through puckered lips as Parvati smeared lip gloss onto them. "Almost as if I don't have any on at all."

"Right," said Parvati as she applied sparkly blue eye shadow onto Hermione's eyelids.

After a few minutes, Parvati stepped back to admire her handiwork. She grinned. "Hermione, darling, you look sexy."

Hermione looked into the mirror, brow furrowed. "I believe I said subtle."

"Oh come on, Hermione," said Ginny putting down the magazine. "Stop being impossible."

"I'm sorry, Ginny," Hermione said sadly. "I just don't think I can do this."

"Oh no," Ginny said. "No, no. You're not backing out now. Not after all the practicing and all the scheming."

"But what about Lavender?" asked Hermione. "I mean, it would be very callous of me if I just hooked up with Ron right after they broke up just yesterday."

"Oh, don't worry about that," said Parvati. "Lavender told me that she couldn't care less who he hooks up with. In fact, she is already going out with Seamus. Again. Just don't tell her I did your make up. She'll go crazy."

"There you go," said Ginny. "Come on, Hermione. What's to lose?"

"Uh, my reputation," said Hermione obviously. "And now that I think about...Do I really want to do all this just to make your brother jealous? I don't think I really fancy your rude and abrasive brother. I mean, I did. But look at what he's put me through these past few weeks. These past few years even. No, I'm not going to do it."

"Hermione, stop shitting around," snapped Ginny. "Yeah, Ron's an arsehole but that doesn't mean he doesn't care about you. And you can't even pretend you don't care about him. Now, listen here and listen good. You are going to go out there. You will make all the blokes feel the horn for you and by the end of the night you will snog my brother. Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes, ok!" cried Hermione. "I'll do it! Sheesh, don't have cow!"

"Excellent," Ginny said, grinning. But then she looked confused. "Wait, what do you mean by 'don't have a cow?'"

Hermione rolled her eyes. "It's just an expression. I know. American expressions never make sense."

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