DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST DAMN IT! I DO NOT EVEN OWN MY OWN ASS, THAT BELONGS TO RACHEL… THE LOG BOOKS ARE FROM THAT CHARACTER'S POINT OF VIEW BUT THE REST IS IN THE THIRD PERSON. THIS IS MY FIRST FMA FIC SO BE NICE!

Logbook hellhole

Chapter 4 – Just a note. Hughes is alive and well and Al has his body back but Ed is still putting up with metal limbs.

Fullmetal Alchemist, Edward Elric, sat with his head in his hands at his makeshift desk and moaned as his brother sewed the whole back up in his pilfered trousers. Al finished the row of stitching and handed the black trousers back to Ed.

" Are you sure it was the Colonel who took these, brother? It seems pretty immature if you ask me. Maybe you'd be more in the right direction if you considered Havoc or Bredda."

Ed climbed back into his clothes and wrung his hands angrily.

" I'm sure, Al. I'm gonna kill that pratty Colonel with a god-complex and make him rue the day he crossed me!"

Al sighed and shook his head then went back to filling in the form on his bed; the form to request a state certification in Alchemy. Since he was no in his own body he would finally be able to get what he had wanted for so long; to fight alongside his brother. He looked up at his brother who was hurriedly scrawling a drawing of some menacing machine on a piece of scrap paper with a stick man lying in a pool of blood labelled 'Mustang'.

" Brother. Lieutenant Hawkeye will be along soon to get your logbook. Have you finished it yet?"

Ed scowled and shoved the prank plan away stroppily then picked up the rather thin black book that sat next to his brother's thick one. He flicked through the pages reading as he went.

Page 1:Fuck off am I filling this in

Page 2: You've got another thing coming if you think I'm filling this in.

Page 3: If you post this under my door one more time then I'm shoving it so far up your arse that the dentist will have to remove it!

Page 4: I can't believe you had me court-martialled! The corkscrew fell out of my hand… and onto the dog…

Page 5: Fine…

13th March – 13:56

Fullmetal Alchemist Edward Elric, East HQ. LOG IN

I may be filling this in but I am not beaten! I blew up Mustang's desk twice and I then when he put it back together I filled the draws with mousetraps. I hid Havoc's cigarettes because I thought he needed to stop smoking (how was I supposed to know that he would go insane, get drunk and try to attack the nearest squirrel?).

Happy now, Hawkeye? No… well that's all your getting so deal with it!

13thth March – 14:10

Fullmetal Alchemist Edward Elric, East HQ. LOG OUT

Ed smiled to himself and mused under his breath.

" Ahhh memories."

Then the scornful sound of his brother's voice came from by his ear.

" Brother! Havoc nearly got shot for destroying the parade ground! Mustang nearly lost his hand in that desk! I can't believe you've only filled in one page properly! No wonder the Lieutenant has been giving you the cold shoulder for ages!"

Ed sighed in exasperation and hunched over his book so that Al couldn't see it. Al clicked his tongue and picked his book up with both hands and left the room. Ed scrawled something on the blank page and then slammed the book shut before running out of the room after Al. He closed the door behind him and slipped the book through his belt for safekeeping before running down the corridor in search of revenge.

Ed stopped outside Mustang's office and put his ear to the door in anticipation. Sure enough, through the thin wood he could hear the blaring of the wireless radio and then over that he heard the tone-deaf tremors of his commanding officer's singing. Ed stifled his laughter and reached into the pocket of his jacket. He pulled out a tape recorder and placed it by the crack in the door. He pressed record then fell back and laughed as Mustang tried, and failed, to hit the high notes of a choirgirl's ballad.

Ed tried to sit back up but whacked his head against the door, causing the radio and singing inside to stop. He gulped, stopped the recorder, picked it up and ran off towards Riza's office at full pelt to hand in his logbook. Meanwhile, Colonel Roy Mustang mistook the sound for the wind outside his window and carried on singing at the top of his voice, naively believing that his walls and door were soundproof.

The next morning at breakfast, Roy Mustang and his company tucked into plates of bacon, eggs, sausages and fried tomatoes while Edward Elric had roped his brother into breaking into the PA system over the compound. Ed leant over the speaker and clapped his hands, sending sparks of Alchemy out to connect the wires between the tape recorder and the automatic recording box. He sent Al back out into the hall and tried speaking into the microphone. Al leant back round the door and signalled that it was coming through clearly then went back out to the cafeteria to look inconspicuous.

Ed made sure the tape was all in order then spoke into the microphone again.

" Ladies and Gentlemen. Officers and Alchemists. Everyone get ready to hear the newest musical 'talent' hitting the scene. Please give it up for Roy Mustang and his cover version of Somewhere Over The Rainbow."

Then he clicked 'off' on the microphone and pressed play on the tape recorder. He hurried out of the PA room and ran back to the cafeteria where he found everyone rolling off their seats out of hilarity and Roy Mustang halfway between crying out of embarrassment and torching all of the people in the room out of anger. Ed found his place next to Al who was looking down at his plate and was stabbing his bacon angrily, not laughing.

Roy looked around and finally his eyes fell on Ed, grinning widely with his hands clasped on the table before him. Roy leapt to his feet and stormed over with his hands poised ready to either reduce Ed to ashes or throttle him. Ed raised his hands and spoke.

" Before you say anything; I know what you mean. Its despicable isn't it, the way some people think it's perfectly okay to MURDER a classic song like this. Judy Garland will be turning in her premature grave! But don't worry Colonel, I won't hold it against ya."

Then he hurriedly leapt to his feet and ran from the room, hounded by Roy's explosions of flame and floor tiles.

Just another note: Judy Garland is the person who originally sang Somewhere Over The Rainbow in The Wizard Of Oz just in case anyone didn't know…