DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST DAMN IT! I DO NOT EVEN OWN MY OWN ASS, THAT BELONGS TO RACHEL… THE LOG BOOKS ARE FROM THAT CHARACTER'S POINT OF VIEW BUT THE REST IS IN THE THIRD PERSON. THIS IS MY FIRST FMA FIC SO BE NICE!
Logbook hellhole
Chapter 6 – This is quite a long one so bear with it.
Riza Hawkeye walked proudly down the silent corridors of the military compound with satisfaction lining her smile. She welcomed the newfound peace and patted herself on the back for coming up with her ingenious plan to rectify the dire situation that had caused half of the compound to combust around her. She sighed and was about to pass the last stretch of corridor before she reached her room when a loud thump and deep throated groans and yells erupted from a nearby storeroom. Riza ran forwards, assuming that someone was locked inside and needing help.
She stopped outside the door and pulled on the handle so that it swept open to reveal what was inside. Riza screamed and strove to shield her eyes from what she saw. Inside the storeroom, Ed and Roy were kissing passionately and half of their clothes had already been shed to the cluttered floor to lie among paint cans, toolkits and other assorted janitor tools. They paused in their onslaught and faced Riza; both looking rather flustered and put out that they had been interrupted. Riza stammered out a response.
" W…w…what is the meaning of this? Anyone could have opened that door! And Ed would you please put your trousers back on, the entire compound doesn't need to see everything."
Ed flushed bright red then pulled his black trousers up with a scowl plain on his face. Roy cleared his throat and spoke with his arm around Ed.
" Ummm Riza… I can explain…"
" I should hope you can, Colonel!"
" It's just that we found the letters you posted and we realised how stupid we'd been to let each other go. We got so heated up in the spur of the moment that we couldn't help it. Sorry if we caused you any discomfort Riza."
" Discomfort? Discomfort! I think I'm scarred for life! That plan was designed to get this place back to normal, not to encourage homosexual romps in the janitors' closet! Oh my god…"
She was about to carry on yelling when she heard a massive explosion and all went black and all that reached her senses was the sound of someone calling to her and some foul stench that compelled her to clasp her mouth and nose shut.
" Riza! Riza! Wake up Riza! We have to get out of here! Come on Riza wake up, please listen we need to get out of here now. This wasn't meant for us, come on! RIZA WAKE UP!"
Riza's eyes opened and she found herself sitting with her head down on her desk with the letters from Hughes and Al unopened under her hands. She looked around and saw that Havoc was standing over her clasping her shoulders and with a worried look on his face. Riza sat bolt upright and spoke to Havoc, only now realising that a great deal of noise was coming from outside, along with that horrific smell she had sensed before.
" Havoc, where are Roy and Edward? They were… in the closet… I was…. I never should have had to see that in my life."
Havoc grimaced and replied, raising his voice so that he could be heard over the clamour outside.
" Riza, you've been asleep since about seven. It's like three in the morning now. You must have been dreaming. We have to get out of here, now! Didn't you here the explosion? Come on."
Havoc pulled her up and dragged her out of her office and out onto the parade ground where the rest of the officers and Alchemists had gathered, some of which were spraying great plumes of water up to a room that was pouring with green smoke and flames. It was Edward's room. Riza tore away from Havoc's grip and sped over to where some more officers were standing with protective suits on, spraying someone wearing nothing but a pair of boxer shorts.
" Whats going on here?"
One of the officers turned to Riza and replied through a tight nose clip and bursts of laughter.
" Edward Elric, Lieutenant. Someone planted a class A 'stink bomb' in his room. He got a direct hit from the 'stink gas'. We're just hosing him down."
Riza looked at the target for the sprayers and saw Ed standing with his arms crossed with his own nose clip preventing the odour from entering his nostrils. Riza gnawed at the inside of her cheeks, trying her hardest not to laugh as someone got a little over-zealous with the hoses and knocked Ed off his feet. He jumped back to his feet and started yelling as the hose-wielding officers began to laugh at his voice with the nose clip still attached.
" You tink dis is fuddy? I'll show you fuddy, you… you… fuc…"
He went to leap forward with his hands clasped in Alchemic posture but the officers just turned up the pressure on their hoses and sent him flying backwards into Caine Fury who was trying to calm down a female officer whose friend had been talking to Ed in his room at the time of the 'blast'. Both men fell to the floor and began arguing with the two female officers about who smelt worse. Riza sighed and walked over.
" I think this has gone far enough. Edward, I think you've been de-odorised enough for one night and Miss Fletcher all you need is a shower and some scented oils and you'll recover enough to go out on a date with Mr Fury. Edward, you can stay in your brother's room until yours is finished being put back together. Now everyone, get to bed before I explode from all this pressure!"
Everyone cleared the parade ground in a hurry as Riza's face darkened a few shades and the air around her became hostile and full of tension. Sparks flew from her form as she heard a screech from inside the compound.
" MUSTANG! YOU DID THIS? YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS YOU LITTLE WORM!"
" Oh so now I'll little huh Edward?"
" Mustang! Don't say little!"
Riza sighed and nearly slid to her knees in defeat on the wet floor but someone caught her and pulled her upright and whispered in her ear.
" You need a drink. Come on."
Lieutenant Jean Havoc took Riza inside to the bar where he sat her at a secluded table lit by a withering candle, one of few left alit at that late time and went to get them both a stiff cup of coffee. He returned to find Riza slumped in her seat with her head in her hands. Havoc sat down, which made her look up, then pushed the steaming coffee into her hands. She sipped it gratefully and Havoc watched happily as some colour returned to her cheeks as the tension in her shoulders slipped away. She looked up and spoke.
" Thanks a lot Jean. I don't know what I would have done without you these past few days."
" I do. You'd probably be being hosed down like Edward if I hadn't gone to look for you earlier."
They both laughed then an awkward silence fell over the pair as they finished their drinks. Havoc slammed his cup down then cleared his throat while rummaging in his jacket pocket.
" Before we left your office I picked up these two letters from your desk, thought you might want them later on so I took them to make sure they didn't get ruined by the gas."
He handed Riza the two letters and leant back in his chair to yawn widely. Riza looked at them and sighed.
" They're things I asked Hughes and Alphonse to write. I suppose it wouldn't hurt to read them now."
She Al's letter down and opened Hughes' letter first. It read:
Hey Riza, I think I have this whole thing figured out! Ok heres what happened, Roy was asleep minding his own business when all of a sudden, Pixies craving world domination invaded his bedroom and their leader crawled into his ear and is now controlling the Colonel's brain via radio waves from a giant Pixie wand in the sky. THEY ARE THE ONES MAKING ROY ACT LIKE A LUNATIC! DEMON PIXIES FROM OUTER SPACE! I know it may seem unbelievable but trust me its Pixies all the way! Oh and don't listen to anything Alphonse says, I have suspicions that the Pixies have gotten to him as well. Peace out, love Hughes.
Riza pulled an exasperated face and handed the letter to Havoc to read while she picked up Al's letter and read that.
Hello Lieutenant. Theres a lot of factors that we need to take into account here… Ummmmm…. Errr…. My brother is… he doesn't really… Oh its just because he and the Colonel had an argument about…
Then it suddenly changed to Hughes' handwriting.
PIXIES! DEMON PIXIES HAVE MY BROTHER! PLEASE HELP HIM RIZA! OH AND DON'T TAKE ANY NOTICE OF WHAT I WROTE BEFORE THIS. I THINK THE PIXIES HAVE INFECTED ME AS WELL. Love Alphonse Elric
Riza slammed the letter down and leant her head on the table, not far from tears of frustration as Havoc laughed and spoke.
" Well Hughes has got a vivid imagination, I'll give him that."
Riza whimpered but looked up in surprise as Havoc came round to her side of the table, sat next to her and put his around her for comfort. She was more surprised that she didn't feel the urge to snap it off and force-feed it back to him; instead she sat up and looked into the face of the man next to her and spoke quietly.
" What's happening to everyone around here lately?"
Havoc tried to lean in closer to Riza but she shuffled back on her chair to evade the warmth of his chest so he cleared his throat and replied, moving his arm away from her.
" I dunno. All I know is that you seem to be taking it pretty hard, why don't you go to bed and let me have a go at finding out what sparked off between Ed and Roy? You deserve a rest."
Riza nodded and got up to leave hurriedly but Havoc got up and spoke nervously as if expecting her to hit him for even breathing.
" Walk you back to your room?"
Riza smiled weakly and nodded and the pair walked out of the empty bar and along the quiet corridors until they reached Riza's room which was just a few doors away from where the gas had been cut short and prevented from going any further. Riza unlocked the door and turned and said a hasty goodbye to Havoc who stood looking slightly neglected on the doorstep. Riza shut the door behind her and Havoc turned to walk away.
" Missed out again. Damn. Why does my luck always run out towards the end, I guess Roy was right when he said not to go for it with her."
He got a few steps away when he heard someone call his name.
" Jean!"
He spun round and Riza flew into his arms and threw her arms around him tightly. He returned the hug and when she looked up, without thinking, he kissed her longingly. When they both pulled away Riza laughed and spoke.
" How long have you been waiting to do that?"
" You have no idea."
He kissed her lightly and they stood apart, joined only by the tips of their fingers as Caine Fury ran around the corner and skidded to a halt in front of them. He saluted scruffily and spoke.
" Lieutenant Hawkeye, Lieutenant Havoc. I found out what sparked this prank war off, Ed and Roy had an argument over… wait a minute."
His eyes travelled down and saw the interlocking fingers of Riza and Havoc and carried on.
" … Oh if you two are together then it doesn't matter any more… this should all just fizzle out between Ed and Roy."
Riza frowned and spoke.
" No Caine… tell me what this little argument was over."
Caine gulped and replied.
" Umm ok. Lieutenant Havoc told them both that he wanted to ask you out and Ed told him to go for it and Roy was advising him against it. They've been fighting all this time to decide what Lieutenant Havoc should do. Although the Lieutenant had no idea whatsoever that that was what they were fighting about."
Riza scowled and anger boiled up inside her. She turned to Havoc and spoke.
" Come on Jean. Theres still one more prank to be played in this stupid little war."