I felt a meaty hand clamp onto my shoulder.

"Sir, I need you to come downstairs to answer a few questions."

"Officer," I said. "If I had any, I'd give them to you right now."

Retirement Age Security Guard just shook his head.

"Well, you'd better come up with something by the time we have our little sit-down with Mr. Williams."

I frowned at the man, annoyed at the fact we were having this conversation right in front of a doorway to a fictional universe.

"Officer..." I glanced at his name tag. "Kanifkey. Sir. Being as we are standing next to a dimensional portal to a cartoon world, which although hard to believe, is plainly verifiable by sight, would it be unreasonable for you to believe that I was not the party responsible for demolishing that wall?"

Kanifkey pulled me backwards. "We'll talk about it downstairs."

That was cop talk for "no."

"Look," I said. "This wasn't my idea."

"Son, if you want to throw your fiancee under the bus, it's your prerogative, but the simple fact is, she ain't here. You are. A bird in the hand..."

I cringed at the thought of Jessica's breast perch, and how moronic I'd sound if I told him the truth.

"Sir, as you can probably tell from my slight build and lack of tools that I am woefully unequipped to demolish any wall."

He paused to stare at me, as if considering my words, then tugged me a little further in the direction of the elevators.

"A cartoon character," I said. "From that door. It sneezed. That's why there's a hole."

Kanifkey rolled his eyes. "I like your previous explanation better."

"I didn't exactly give one," I countered.

"Yeah. I liked that one better."

Throughout the course of this little exchange, I could see a glowing white shape behind the officer, but wasn't sure what it was, and didn't think it very useful to my situation. For that reason I had ignored it up until that point, irritated by how thick headed the security guy was in the face of all this evidence of the paranormal.

"I can't afford to repair the wall," I said.

"Then you'll go to jail for destroying private property."

"Say, hypothetically, that I manage to take out a loan or something. May I bring an independent contractor to the site so I can at least save a few thousand dollars?"

Kanifkey shrugged. "You'll have to take that up with the boss."

When the officer put a hand to his hip, I caught a glimpse of a white rodent face through the crook of his arm.

Little Sneezer.

As I stared at the mouse, the creature smiled at me.

"Officer," I said, pointing that way. "There's your culprit right there. He's small and animated. Just turn around and look."

Kanifkey just laughed at me. "Kid, that's the oldest trick in the book. You must think I'm a real simpleton to fall for a gag like that."

I heard a sniffle.

I pointed at the mouse again. "But-"

That earned me another eye roll. "Kid, if you want to make me think there's something behind me, at least tell me something convincing!"

"Wahhh..."

Little Sneezer gasped, holding his nose.

My eyes widened.

"I just remembered," I stammered. "I gotta get my wallet. You know, credit card, driver's license..."

Kanifkey nodded and let me go. "No funny stuff."

I grabbed hold of the closest secure object, the animated door knob.

Okay, so it was secure-ish.

"If you don't have a wallet," said the man. "What's that in your pock-"

A second later, Officer Kanifkey was flying through the air, making contact with one of the bed posts and crashing through the back wall.

"It's too dusty in here," the mouse muttered, scampering off.

Through the massive hole, I could see the roof, and the scaffolding that supported the hotel's giant sign.

For a moment, I was tempted to go there, to see this so-called `spike' Jessica kept going on about, but then I decided the whole spike business was her fool mission, not mine.

Honestly, I didn't really care about cartoons that much. I cared a lot more about not going to jail. My primary means of escape from the situation did not involve a spike.

Under my hand, the doorknob was losing color, and...quality, the door itself rapidly becoming flat as paper. It reminded me of sketches of doors that architects used in concept designs.

I touched the image of the alleyway, but my fingers, to my alarm, encountered resistance as the animated street scene continued to revert to a drawing on the wall.

Soon it would just be me, the hotel manager, and the civil and/or Federal courts.

I guessed it would be Federal, considering what Sneezer just did to Rent-A-Cop.

Even if I were to somehow regain my car keys and escape, the cops would have my ID, either from the wallet or the photocopy at the front desk. They'd know where I lived. I couldn't just run out the front door.

I pushed my hand against the cartoony surface, but it didn't yield.

"No!" I cried, pounding the wall with my fists.

Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a white glow. Glancing over, I caught a glimpse of a four fingered cartoon hand holding the door frame, the object shimmering and re-solidifying around the places it touched.

"Whatcha doin'?" a squeaky voice said.

"Uh...trying not to go to jail?"

The mouse brought its glowing face up to mine. "You trying to go in?"

I forced a smile. "Maybe?"

Its eyes were black dots drawn on a pair of circles, but I still felt unnerved when they looked into mine.

"So you're not going to go in there...to sleep with your girlfriend?"

I swallowed. "She's not-"

I stopped myself, realizing what a pervert this little mouse was. "...Yeah. I'm totally going to bone her."

"Okay," he said with a grin. "I'll let you in. But you gotta promise me you'll let me watch."

I grimaced in disgust. "Why don't you just, I don't know, get your own girlfriend?"

Instead of answering, the mouse only retreated a few inches and said, "Do you want to bone your girlfriend nor not?"

The question took me aback. Frankly, I wasn't sure if I wanted Jessica that much. While fairly attractive, she was also psychotic, which wasn't what I wanted in a long term relationship.

Okay, well, she had sort of...grown on me, and she had made things...rather exciting...

And let's not forget, there was no rule that said I couldn't break a promise to a cartoon rodent.

I sighed in resignation. "Fine, fine. I promise I'll let you watch. Now will you help me through this door before I end up in jail?"

Because the mouse was too short to reach my back, it put its paws on my butt, giving me a forceful shove.

For a few moments, I felt nothing but embarrassment, and my face pressing against old wallpaper, but then the drawing glowed, and it became like sticking my head through a wall of gelatin. I momentarily couldn't breathe.

I tumbled forward through the barrier so suddenly that I fell flat on my face.

My nose literally smashed into a painting. For a dirty, slimy looking stretch of brick, it smelled remarkably clean.

Gasping for breath, I staggered to my feet, gawking at the surreal universe I had stumbled into.

The buildings were matte paintings, dark and foreboding ones at that. The blue cat was still digging through trash, eating fish bones and tossing old boots on the ground.

Up ahead was an intersection, seemingly empty, and beyond that, across the street, I could just barely make out the fronts of stores and restaurants.

I turned around and looked back to see Sneezer stepping through the gate, slamming the door behind him.

The moment the door met the frame, it disappeared, reverting to a section of painted brick wall.

I was stuck there.

Possibly forever.

The mouse ran up to me, slapping me on the rear. "Go get `em, tiger!"