The best thing about my prison cell was the peace and quiet. I guess, since it was maximum security or something, it had soundproofing. No screams, explosions, or insipid faux classical music.

Just me and my thoughts.

Sometimes my thoughts really annoyed me.

I kept thinking about Jessica, and how close we came to actually doing it.

Then I'd remember our age difference and become glad that we did not.

Sort of.

And then I wondered if going back to the real world wouldn't be so bad. I'd just cooperate with the hotel manager, take out a loan, and let my credit take a hit. A peaceful resolution without any jail time. Maybe I could even settle out of court.

I never did look into any sort of claims adjusting with the manager.

Then I contemplated the oldest law in Cool World. What if I did find a suitably attractive cartoon character...?

Somewhere along the line, I dozed off.

I awoke to the sound of knocking.

Actually, quiet tapping.

When I looked up, I could see a brightly colored face of a bunny rabbit peering at me from the bars at the bottom of the door. Its eyes had long lashes, indicating that it was a child. "Psst!"

And then I see a brightly colored stub of a pencil rolling across the floor.

"Thanks, kid," I groaned. "Now I have something to tally the years with."

The rabbit smacked its face. "Aren't you a Deebes?"

"Yeah?" I said. "So what?"

"Then D.R.A.W.," it hissed.

"I can't even draw a stick figure. What do you want from me?"

The rabbit clenched its teeth, growling in annoyance. "God! Never mind! Maybe if you stay in there a few years, you'll grow a brain! (What a shithead!)"

The rabbit disappeared, leaving me with the pencil.

Out of boredom, I scratched a line on the floor.

To my surprise, I saw it glow and wiggle as I...doodled.

I created a hole in the floor completely by accident. I only wanted to make a generic shape to see what the pencil did, and voila, happy accident.

I looked down through the hole to see a darkened room with a table. It looked unoccupied, and the distance didn't seem to be that great, so I immediately hopped through the opening...

...and found myself landing on a pizza in the Ninja Turtles' den.

You see, all four of the green karate dudes were having lunch with their bathrobe clad rat sensei, and I sort of squished a deep dish...whatever with my body as I fell on my back.

Sardines, papaya and Halloween candy on a pizza.

Seriously, those guys have more bizarre tastes than most pregnant women.

I had fallen into a brick sewer tunnel, the larger type that only exists in New York and other megacities, surrounded by a group of identical looking turtles differentiated only by the color of their mask/headband.

"Majorly uncool!" said the one in yellow. Mike, as I recalled from TV watching.

"No kidding," said the one in purple. "I was looking forward to that pickle jellybean sauerkraut and liverwurst supreme." I believe he was Donatello, judging by the nerdy voice.

"I say we kick his ass!" said the one in red. Hot tempered, probably Raphael.

Or did I get them all mixed up? Never before did the information have any personal relevance to me, so I figured I'd probably fail this negotiation.

"I second that motion!" yelled Mike. "Do I have a third?"

I looked hopefully at the blue one. (Leo?) Being a serious leader type, I thought maybe he would give me the benefit of the doubt. I probably should have run, but they were ninjas. I didn't have a chance. "What do you think, sensei?" he said to the rat.

After a dramatic pause, Mr. Hamato Yoshi delivered the verdict in his trademark old Kung Fu guy voice. "His ass...deserves kicking."

The turtles cheered.

"I'm first!" the mutant in purple hollered. "I called it!"

"No fair!" Mike cried.

"You can kick his ass after me."

Before I could adequately prepare myself, (Don?) swung his bo staff like a baseball bat, knocking me down a sewer tunnel into surprisingly clean animated water.

I drew a circle on a brick wall and found myself looking into a shower, where April O'Neal, girlfriend of one of the turtles, stood naked beneath the running spray.

She screamed, and a moment later, a sword slashed my pants, leaving me in my boxers.

The one in yellow punched me in the face, and I fell backwards in the `sewage,' unconscious.