[JESSICA]
[0000]
You're reading this journal thanks to a little ingenuity with a sewing machine.
I am currently wearing, to the best of my knowledge, the only piece of lingerie ever to feature a pocket. I mean, it's counterintuitive, right?
I left this phone on the charger all night. It's a lucky thing, too. My find is too important to leave undocumented.
Ordinarily, I document my findings in notebooks or sketchbooks, but since I left all that stuff in the room, this will have to do. I don't trust cartoon notebooks.
If you see any errors, it's probably because I'm using StenoSnap to translate shorthand into legible text. It's time consuming enough just trying to type with these teeny little buttons.
My only regret about this expedition is the lack of a reliable camera. My good camera, unfortunately, was locked in the hotel suite, and we couldn't get back in.
Two weeks ago, I was in bed masturbating, and the old phone slid off the covers, dropping into a bucket of paint thinner. Of course it was toast.
I still had the warranty, so I took it in the store, and they got me the refurbished one I'm using now.
It's an okay phone, but the camera is flaky. Sometimes I have to pull the battery out to make it work, and then it will only save every other picture.
Sometimes I'll have a photo saved when I go to bed, only to find it gone when I wake up, so yeah, not the greatest tool for a serious researcher.
In retrospect, there's a lot of tools that I should have brought with me, but I didn't expect to be sneezed through a wall immediately after attempting sexual intercourse.
If only I had checked the phone a week earlier.
If only the funeral had been held later...
But what can you do?
Encounter Record 0.1.1: Drew Deebes
As stated previously in Sketchbook Entry 311.14.5, the Deebes funeral was inherently suspicious, therefore meriting investigation.
The use of Holli's dress did prove beneficial to ongoing research, for, although unsuccessful in attracting paranormal entities with the outfit, I did successfully catch the eye of the artist's son.
I did the research: Totally single.
He's not bad looking, either. Not muscular, not a Chippendale's dancer, but I can tell he does go to the gym occasionally.
Plus he's a Deebes. How could I not get close to him? Even if he doesn't help me find the Cool World or the spike, or connect me with cartoon realities, I have a chance of marrying into the family fortune...or at least gather enough material to write a bestselling biographical piece.
0.1.2.
The reports are correct about him working in a tax office. The man has no imagination. He didn't believe anything about cartoon realities until I showed him the item in Sketchbook 200.3.1 (cartoon shoe), and I'm not sure even that totally convinced him.
We had a nice chat at Starbucks, and after a long showing various evidences to him, I wore him down enough to agree to come with me to the Union Plaza.
I've been saving up for awhile. I already told you about my troubles exploring the hotel in 110.13.20 and 141.20.5, hence why I haven't made any further expeditions up until this point. That's two years of waiting. So, yeah, I've been saving, and a lucky thing too, because a top floor suite is incredibly expensive.
My objectives: A. Find more evidence of cartoon realities, and B. sleep with Drew. Not necessarily in that order.
Initial visit to suite disappointingly mundane. Opted for Objective B, using lingerie item in Sketchbook 90.111.12 to direct his energies to the proper activity.
This is when Drew spotted previously undocumented specimen, Living Entity 08: `Sneezer', apparently a Warner Brothers Tiny Toons property.
The aloof creature did not show until we made attempts to proceed with coitus, during which it sneezed very violently, violating the laws of physics by sending us both through a wall.
I forgot all about sex the moment we entered the room.
I felt like Indiana Jones discovering King Tut's tomb. Strange and mystical glyphs covered every wall, coming to life the moment I touched them.
(Note to self: Must include descriptions and sketches of glyphs when I get home!)
No time to be ultra specific, but I do need to jot down a few observations about the glyphs:
Item 1: The room's occupant, presumably a man named Heinreich Baubels, was experimenting with the force of animation. His image of the French clown appears to be his first successful test.
Note: It appears as if wearing Holli's clothing while touching these glyphs causes each one to come alive. It also seems to have a stabilizing effect on the outfit, making the fabric maintain an animated appearance rather than randomly flickering real. I have described the fluctuating texture, in great detail, in other notebooks.
Also, Drew is as good as mine. I wasn't so sure in the suite, he sort of hesitated, but he, um, took some initiative while I was distracted with the glyph. I think it's safe to say that the rumors are incorrect, he actually likes women.
And, more importantly, he likes me.
That being said, I didn't particularly care for his timing.
Moving on.
Item 2: A test of creating impossible three dimensional objects.
What I pulled from the wall was the Pythagorean ideal, a purely mathematical construct made physical. The Pythagoreans considered something of that order, if found in nature, to be absolute proof of divinity.
Have I found that proof? Unclear to say. I think I may have watched the movie Pi too many times.
Note: The cube became paper in Drew's hands, supporting my theory that the outfit itself caused the drawings to become...actual. The Union Plaza must have something to do with it. Similar experiments at home have failed to create such astonishing results.
Item 3: A cat eating a mouse sandwich, apparently some grisly political statement. Judging by the (I assume) renter of this room, perhaps it speaks about the late 1930's Germany and its relationship to the rest of the world.
Item 4 was a cat.
A real life cat.
It seems Baubel had been experimenting with putting things in the wall in addition to bringing them out.
The feline was terrified. Poor cat.
The scary thing is, he could have just as easily put a person in there, essentially burying them alive.
I don't know how he accomplished this at all, but I believe it had something to do with the spike, which I will elaborate upon later.
Item 5 should probably be lumped together with Item 4, being that it is another experiment with putting real objects inside a flat two dimensional plane.
This time he used a bowl of wax fruit. He may have done this before the cat.
Item 6: It seems Baubel had been successful in opening portals to cartoon realities, although what we found was an apparent anachronism.
I literally saw the Smurf village, specifically a window overlooking Cookie's house. You know, the guy with the chefs hat.
This panoramic vista shouldn't have existed prior to the 1980's, in any reality, but who knows, the view may have looked different in the past.
Item 7, arguably the most mundane, is by far the most fascinating of all the items, for it gives the history of the spikes. Yes, that's spikes, as in plural. Five of them! Just think about how this will expand my research!
The documents say he was a scientist during the Second World war, and his weapon project had unforeseen side effects. I'll write more about this when I get back, as all the information is already in a convenient file folder on the hotel bed, ready to be scanned and posted online.
Item 8: Our scientist was a busy guy. He actually created a doorway to an animated world.
It was a very smug, sexist sort of door, and it was locked.
Drew suggested I use my feminine charms to get it open, as it was animated, but (ahem), I have to draw the line somewhere (no pun intended).
This leads us to...Item 9: Plunger Gun.
In my search for a key, I found a strange looking sketch of a handgun, amusingly hidden beneath a bible, like people would do for a three dimensional gun.
The ammunition appears to be sort of a toilet plunger grappling hook in the style of the Genesis video game entitled Quackshot. Experimentation led me to discovery of Living Entities 10-13, "Birdies," by far the most incredible find so far.
Ordinarily, when injured in the head, I merely experience pain and sparkly things swimming through my vision. I do not see cartoon birds. And these are so cute!
My birdies proved to be of tremendous value when we uncovered Item 14: The wall safe.
Hidden behind a nightstand, safe became three dimensional upon contact, but when I attempted a combination, it reverted to its two dimensional state, indicating significantly less proximity to the spike.
Thanks to the birds' helpful tweeting, my helpful and somewhat handsome assistant cracked the safe combination, uncovering more of the professor's secret files, a pile of...play money, a real handgun, and a wallet. No key, of course, but I found Item 15 easily enough behind a dresser.
The talking door ate our only key, but I figured once I stepped through that threshold, I wouldn't want to come back for a long time.
Well, not until I gathered as much research as possible about the place. I figured I could find other exits and entrances somehow.
If you've read all my journals and sketchbooks up to this point, you already know what an opportunity this was for me, and how important the research would be, so the moment that door unlocked and opened, I didn't hesitate for a second. I jumped through.
If I ended up being trapped inside a drawing forever, so be it.
Briefly, I considered going back and getting the manager to unlock my suite so I could get my stuff (and get dressed!), but they'd probably just rope the place off and keep me from going back in. Plus, well, the lingerie was definitely critical to the operation. The way I figured, this was my one and only chance to get into Cool World, so, boom, I took it.
0.1.3.
I stepped into an alleyway, watching Furball from Tiny Toons digging around in the trash cans for something. Knowing his history, I briefly considered adopting him or putting him in an animal shelter, but decided I could do that later, once I studied the place more and understood my impact on its environment.
The scenery at the corner reminded me of several Warner Brothers cartoons. Bright, really simple looking structures, no sign of weathering, fading, or detail for that matter, except around the facades where you could see a business in operation.
I had a lot of places to see, and potentially shop at. I had only stuffed a single wad of cartoon bills into my outfit, so I decided to hold onto it, make it count.
I did stop in the flower shop for a moment, but only to visit Dot from Animaniacs.
I said "Polka Dot." I couldn't resist.
After dancing to her music, I bought a little lotus flower to put in my hair, mostly to show appreciation for the song.
As I wandered up the street, past the Sam and Max Detective Agency, I got many stares. I'm not sure if it were because I was human, or semi-naked, but I did get a lot of whistles and cat-calls. The canine characters got especially loud about it, but I got it from birds and rabbits, and other things too.
Hearing noises, and feeling vibrations running down my body, I looked down at my outfit and noticed all my patches coming to life, their eyes bright and colorful as they stared at their surroundings, or, rather, ogling them, since I was technically part of the scenery.
Daisy Duck didn't like what she saw, jumping out of my outfit and running down an alleyway.
Betty Boop also vacated her place, running down the street.
My cartoon wolf got too unruly, so I threw him into a flower box.
I poked Roger Rabbit in the eyes, and he fell backwards into the patch, making all kinds of noises, like he'd fallen down a staircase into an orchestra pit.
I dispatched the others similarly. The moment I had a patch clear, the vacant circle of color would flash and sparkle, turning into a simple star, or a horseshoe, or some other Lucky Charms/poker/slot machine symbol.
The females didn't want to stick around (except Tiny Toons' Fifi. Maybe she likes women?), so it was mostly the males I had to send packing.
Well, every male except the beaver. Any time I tried to...do anything with him, he made me feel funny between my legs.
I mean, really uncomfortable...
Or maybe too comfortable...if you know what I mean.
To the point where I could barely walk.
I eventually just told him to behave, promising to let it do whatever it wants with me later tonight.
I noticed I had a soundtrack, one of those low key jazzy 1970's instrumentals with a grindy thing.
When the music abruptly changed, I stopped in my tracks, not believing what I was hearing.
Someone was playing Changes by Yes.
The place was called The Cat Flap, one of those quaint little clubs where you go down a fenced in staircase on the side of the other business to enter, in this instance, a book and antique store.
Of course I had to check it out. It had been forever since I've heard that song, and I wanted to hear more.
0.1.4.
Beneath the stone and concrete building, I discovered what I can only describe as a...a speakeasy, if that's even the right word.
A brick nightclub type situation, but more classy, the walls new looking and partially obscured with curtains, sculptures, framed pictures of musicians (both real and animated) and a collection of African masks and other interesting artifacts.
Cartoon males and females sat with their dates at little tables, most recognizably Archie and Betty, both dressed in somewhat Bohemian fashion.
The place had interesting clientele. Although mostly animals and strange looking Anime characters (I think I spotted the Robotech guy and his girlfriend), everyone had clothes on. I know that sounds weird, but there's a lot of naked cartoon characters...out there, and they weren't so much at the club.
Beatnik types, cats with goatees and little hats, sat on stools or at the tables, drinking...lattes or beer, or something else. Oh, and I spotted that fat guy from Voltron there.
Of course, I really came for the band. As they shifted from Yes to a performance of One Thing Leads to Another, I couldn't help dancing a little and snapping my fingers as I wandered around.
Despite the largeness of the crowd, I couldn't quite fit in. I kept getting stares and rude comments. Archie stared so much that Betty slapped him. I got so incredibly self conscious that I resolved to stop by a dress shop upon leaving the establishment.
I stopped at the bar, ordering hard lemonade, but it was obscene, so I sent it back, requesting a Dirty Shirley, which turned out to be a big grumpy mud caked woman who cussed at me until I sent that one back as well.
I hesitated before ordering again. I had no desire to meet Samuel Adams or a logger at the moment, and boiler makers were sure to give me leprosy.
Note to self: Use care when ordering toon drinks!
I thought Peach Schnapps would be safe, but it bit my tongue when I tried to drink it, so I just ordered a beer, creeping into a corner table.
The band itself was...fascinating.
If you've ever watched cartoons in the 1980's, you may have seen a clip or two of Kidd Video. Basic premise: Real rock band gets sucked through a mirror and transformed into cartoons by an evil mastermind who wanted them as his musical slaves. They escape, of course, but the show got canceled before they could get back home.
And now here they all were, playing The Fixx.
You can probably understand why I never took my eyes off the stage.
The group had reorganized somewhat since I'd last seen them on TV. For one thing, they changed their name.
They were now The Spark. Not a great rock band name, but a terrific boy band name, I think.
They had also changed outfits, a rarity for cartoons, taking on sort of a boy band look, you know, dressed like groomsmen relaxing after the Big Day, which, honestly, is cute.
The narrow bodied, curly haired Ash, tickled the keys of one of those over the shoulder keyboards popular during the eighties. He had on a suit coat, a white shirt, and an American flag tie dangling loose around his neck. I think he looked more attractive than he used to, but with that broccoli shaped hair and big schnoz, he still looked too much like Jon Arbuckle or maybe Animated Howie Mandel to be appealing to me.
They had Wiz Kid on drums. Blonde hair, glasses, shirt hanging open as he pounded away. He kind of looked like Cousin Oscar on the Brady Bunch. Adorable.
You're going to laugh, but I actually did have a crush on him as a child. I know he's fat, and it seems a little weird, but he's cute, and arguably the most interesting character in the band.
On backup guitar, I saw Carla, the Latino chick. Today she was dressed like a hooker. Not my type.
Interestingly enough, Kidd Vid was no longer the lead singer. They had him doing guitar.
He was good looking in a Bruce Springsteen sort of way. Spiky hair, leather pants, white shirt only buttoned halfway, sleeves rolled up, biker gloves...I still liked Wiz Kid better.
...That was, until I saw the new lead singer.
0.1.5.
Arguably the most handsome cartoon character I've ever seen.
Two words: Well drawn.
He was a man, he was a kangaroo, and he was gorgeous.
Brown, built like Spider-Man (Not hugely muscled, but well shaped), square jaws, and...those ears. I just wanted to gnaw on them.
He had a sort of mane bursting out of that unbuttoned shirt, and those stretch leather pants...let's just say I liked what I saw.
The (man?) the guy only had one eye, but when our gaze met, it was magic.
And then a strange thought occurred to me: I'd seen him before.
In a random sketch I made at the Union Plaza.
Even as an image on paper, he did kinda turn me on.
And now he was real.
Immediately, I felt a funny vibration between my legs.
"Later!" I scolded my beaver.
My panties obeyed, but my legs still trembled as I watched the kangaroo perform.
He grabbed the microphone in a way suggestive of holding me, singing The One I Love by REM, his good eye never leaving mine.
I just know I was sitting in a back corner booth when he started, but somehow I floated closer when our eyes met.
It was the teddy. I'm sure of it.
At the end of the song, I found myself seated in the front row. Not like I minded, or anything.
When the song ended, and they started in on a cover of Westlife's More Than Words, I found myself drifting up onto the stage. I didn't even care I was being stared at.
Take me, I thought. I'm yours!
In the middle of an instrumental section in the song, the singer marched up to me, grabbing my hand ever so tenderly as he spoke to me in low husky tones. "Meet me backstage when the show's over."
Little hearts kept fluttering out of my outfit. I could have died.
In fact, a faint came over me so suddenly that I thought I had.