Disclaimer: I don't own the Scarlett Letter, A Streetcar Named Desier or anything else referenced in this fic.
NOTE: I have nothing against Mormans or people form Utah. The reference in here is to the second verse of the Cell Block Tengo from the musical Chicago.
The Scarlet Letter; a semi-musical travesty in about a scene and a half
(Puritans dance around in a somber looking way. They all begin to sing "There's no religious cult like Puritanism," to the tune of "There's no business like show business."
(Hester enters all fall silent.)
Dimmesdale; Hester Prynne reveal the name of thy partner in thy hellish dealings!
Hester; NEVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
Dimmesdale; (punches the air) She's not gonna tell on me. I mean…. Oh! The horror of sin! Shield my virgin eyes!
7 years later
(Dimmesdale is wandering around a small room chanting in Latin and hitting himself repeatedly over the head with a hardcover book, Chillingworth enters wearing a flower print apron)
Chillingworth; Good morning sunshine! I brought you breakfast with healthy side of guilt! (Uncontrollable spasm of evil laughter, Dimmesdale crawls into corner and attempts to light himself on fire)
Chillingworth; Dimmsdale darling, please put that down.
Dimmesdale; (Twitching) Must tell, going crazy. Must tell going crazy Must tell going Crazy Must Tell Going CraZy MUST TELL GOING CRAZY MUST TELL GOING CRAZY MUST TELL GOING….
(Chillingworth sneaks up behind him and injects him with a horse tranquilizer)
Chillingworth; Now let's see what we have here! (Starts to take off Dimmesdale shirt, enter Hester with Pearl, Chillingworth jumps four feet in the air)
Chillingworth; This isn't what it looks like!
Hester; What?
Chillingworth; What?
Pearl; Mommy, the Black Man is coming to get you!
(Enter two sleazy looking cooperate lawyers)
L1; Actually, you can't use the term "Black Man"
L2; It's racist
L1; It's got lawsuit written all over it.
Pearl; Can I say Boogie Man?
L2; Our research team will have to get back to you on that.
Hester; Dimmesdale has to know who you are!
Chillingworth; But why? It would ruin all the fun!
Hester; Because I love him!
Chillingworth; (Irritated) Yes! Well! I'm in love with him to and you don't see me….
Hester; Who loves him?
Chillingworth; Jesus
Hester; I thought you said…Never mind. You must stop torturing this poor man!
Chillingworth; Oh come on, everyone likes a little torture once in a while, maybe a bull whip, some handcuffs… sorry. Alright, tell him if you must! (Uncontrollable Spasm of Evil Laughter)
Dimmesdale; (Waking up) What's going on?
Hester; Chillingworth is my husband.
Dimmesdale; I knew there was something strange about him! (Chillingworth burst into another spasm of uncontrollable laughter)
Dimmesdale; Hey! You told me you were single!
Chillingworth; Actually Hester in only one of mysix wives, I'm from Utah.
(Dimmesdale begins to poke him self repeatedly with a knife)
Chillingworth; Dimmsdale put the knife away! Oh what are you doing now?
Dimmesdale; I'm trying to hold my breath until I suffocate.
Chillingworth; Twit
Hester; Dimmsdale, lets run away together, some place far, far away!
Chillingworth; Can I come?
Hester; No, It's a secret, you don't even know about it.
Chillingworth; Oh
Dimmesdale; (Suddenly developing a Southern Accent) They came to me, to beg my forgivness, but I can't give it because deliberate cruelty is unforgivable, It is the one thing, of which I have never been guilty! And I've always depended on the kindness of strangers! (Runs out the door) I have an announcement to make!
(All puritans appear dressed as Aztecs worshiping him and speaking in toungs)
Chillingworth; Don't do it!
Dimmesdale; I am Pearl's father!
Chillingworth; (Suddenly appears in a white wife beater and pink and white polka doted boxers, all of his clothing in clinging because it is wet, almost like some one just shoved him fully dressed under a shower head ;) ) "DIMMSSSSDALE! DIMMSDALE!"
Hester; Now we can be together forever!
Dimmesdale; Well actually, no. (Takes out a Samurai sword and commits hari kari) See Hester, I just got my soul saved, and your really not all that pure, so I don't think it is going to work out. We're just too different. It's not you, It's me, I just can't deal with that kind of commitment right now. Plus the long distance relationship… so I think I would be better we just remained close friends. 'CAUSE THERE'S A FINE, FINE LINE!... (dies)
(Hester is now dressed in a baggy shirt with a woman's symbol on it. She is wearing bell bottoms and burkinstocks, she has no make up, and her hair is long an straight.)
Hester; You know, I suddenly feel kinda free. I don't need men to validate me! I'm gonna go start a WRAP grout with Anne Huchinson and Anne Bradstreet!
(Exits, all sing "Age of Aquarius")