JESSICA

Encounter Record [0-1-5-6]

I kept pinching myself to make sure this wasn't a dream...or a sexy nightmare.

Meekly, I followed Chad between a set of decorative shrubs, up a short staircase to a table with a fancy spread.

Your stereotypical romantic dinner set up. Candles, wine, we even had a Mariachi band that jumped out of the bushes and played slow romantic music as soon as Chad pulled out a seat for me.

I took my place, staring into Chad's eye as I listened to the music.

A waiter, a walrus in the style of Tennessee Tuxedo, brought out our food. Steaks, vegetables, shrimp. The stuff tasted strangely real, perhaps a side effect of being there too long, unless only the wealthy had access to real food or something. Of course, the wine tasted like grape Fanta.

"So," I said as the music became muted. "Chad. Tell me more about yourself. Did you go to college?"

"Oh lovely nectarine," he said. "Colleges are a rarity in Cool World. If one wishes an advanced education, one simply studies at a different high school. I have two diplomas, one from Beverly Hills High, the other from Riverdale."

"Seriously? No colleges? How do you become a doctor here?"

"We take courses by mail."

I rolled my eyes. "Then what is Acme Looniversity?"

"A high school."

I pondered this for a minute. "That actually explains a lot. Who was your favorite teacher?"

"My music teacher, Ms. Brahms. The woman was an inspiration. It's too bad she was a weredog. Also, I greatly admired Mr. Write, my English instructor, who built and sharpened my skills into hardened iron."

I suppressed a grin. I guess he didn't know how bad that sounded, but I really didn't care. In fact, the thought of something kinky going on with his teacher kind of turned me on. "So...you and this English teacher...um...how close were you?"

He shook his head and laughed. "Jessica. You are a wonderful enigma. A Chinese puzzle. You come to me like a chili pepper, we meet backstage, and you are like a delicate rose, and now, as I familiarize myself with your mind, I see that inwardly you are a ghost pepper. A spoonful of wasabi that burns the mouth."

Hearts popped out of my outfit.

Feeling my legs trembling, I scowled at my crotch. "Stop that!" I hissed.

"It wasn't me," the patch replied.

"Liar!" I said almost a little too loudly.

"It's your body," it growled. "I can't be blamed for everything."

"Drop some food in your lap, spicy flower?"

I suddenly felt incredibly hot, like every part of my body had decided to blush at the same time.

"Uh, yeah. I, uh, dropped a carrot."

"Do you often talk to your food?"

Blushing deeper, I nodded, shoving a piece of steak into my mouth. "You know, it kinda does make my food taste better."

And then I pretended to scold the broccoli. "Be careful with that gas content! I have a very sensitive stomach!"

I laughed nervously.

"Your mind is like a succubus and a Disney princess living in the same house. When you lie, the succubus does not answer the door. It is an endearing trait."

I fanned myself. Before we started having this conversation, the room, and my outfit, had been rather...cool. "Do you have any Spanish blood?" I asked, mostly to change the subject.

"Perhaps. I do not know. As I said, I am an orphan."

"Tell me about this woman that adopted you..."

"Sharona Buckthorn? She is a saint. Despite her long hours of work as a successful fashion designer's assistant, and her long string of fiery romances, she always made time for me."

The music of the Mariachi band suddenly turned dramatic.

"Well, until Ceres Spencer cut the brakes on her car, landing her in a coma."

"I'm sorry," I said, though I thought it sounded like something from a soap opera.

Chad shrugged. "It is commonplace in that apartment complex. Tragic drama is why I moved on, to see a better world."

"But your mother, I mean, Sharona. do you still visit her in the hospital?"

Chad sighed and shook his head. "I was returning home after a particularly interesting gig in Gotham city, when I checked the hospital and found that someone had removed her life support and her body had already been taken away. The funeral was a closed casket."

He sniffed, wiping his eyes.

I decided he definitely had been in one of those serious comics. At least, in their background somewhere.

The cop approached our table, and the music abruptly stopped. "My my. Isn't this romantic."

"Geez, officer," I groaned. "Don't you have a girlfriend or something?"

He nodded. "I do, but unlike some noids I've met, I waited."

I frowned. "What's this about?"

He gave me an apologetic smirk. "Look. I just got a call from someone about a noid problem. Apparently you're giving folks quite a show. Nice dress, by the way."

"What. We're just hanging out."

He flashed his teeth, looking at me like he knew better.

"You guys are all the same," I said. "I hang out with someone of the opposite sex and you already think I'm banging them. Didn't you take your animated girlfriend on dates for awhile when you were...a noid?"

Harris raised his hands defensively. "Okay, okay. You got me there. But just in case you're thinking about doing something else, Don't. Do what I did. Wait until you become a doodle. Then you can do it all you want."

"Thanks, dad."

He must have caught the negative vibe, for the next thing out of his mouth was, "Don't give me that attitude. You want to create an incident like Vegas a couple years back?"

"...No." What was I supposed to say?

"All I'm saying is, don't let that kangaroo take you to town." He gave me his card. "Let me know if he tries to pull a fast one."

I rolled my eyes. "All right, officer."

"Sir," I heard a voice saying on the cop's radio. "We've spotted Deebes again."

Harris swore under his breath, running off.

The moment he was gone, I tossed the card. "So. Where were we?"

"Cockroaches?" a voice said.

I looked down and saw the penguin from all those Bloom County comics holding up a plate of bugs.

I frowned. "I didn't order any roaches."

He stared at his order sheet. "Sorry. Wrong table."

I rolled my eyes when I saw him bring the tray to a pair of birds in dress clothes.

I turned my attention back to my date. "Do you have any happy memories?"

Chad paused. "I enjoyed my childhood with the Muppet Babies, with whom Sharona acquainted me..." He rubbed his muzzle. "Oh, and I spent many pleasant hours with Rod Manley, her first love. He taught me to shoot pool, repair aircraft, and perform duties as a lifeguard."

His eye got a faraway look. "He taught me a lot of things. It is a shame that-"

"Stop," I interrupted, sure he was going to go into another soap opera tale. "Focus on the happy. What makes Chad happy?"

"You," he said.

"Besides that."

"Besides you? Nothing."

"Oh c'mon," I groaned. "There's got to be something that you really enjoy. Something that makes you cheerful, content, happy, even."

He opened his mouth.

"And don't say sex. Something else. Anything."

I saw a lump moving in his throat. "I..."

He shook his head. "No. I cannot tell you. You will think me less of a man."

I giggled. "I seriously doubt that!"

He sighed. "Very well. I will tell you. I will whisper it in your ear."

He got up and did so. "When no one is looking, I play with dolls."

I had to fight down a laugh.

"I like to build and decorate their houses, and comb their pretty hair."

I forced down a grin. "That's...interesting."

"I knew it. You think less of me now."

"No, no." I was grinning openly now. "It's very cute. You have to be very secure in your masculinity to admit something like that."

Now Chad was blushing. I even saw Valentine hearts. "I also like ballet. Is that bad?"

"No..." I kept fighting to keep my composure. "Okay, so...ballet?"

"I am not talking about watching. I have leotards."

I burst out laughing. "Are you sure you like women?"

His little hearts dropped to the floor and shattered. If only all men were this easy to read! "I like you, don't I?"

"I'm sorry," I blurted. "Really. I love a man in tights. It's hot."

That made him feel better. "Maybe I show you Swan Lake."

I chuckled. "Okay!"

He returned to his seat.

We both had cartoon hearts now. One of the Mariachi guys stepped forward, singing Love Lift Us Up Where We Belong.

"In retrospect," Chad said. "We should have had spaghetti. We could share a noodle with our lips."

I leaned over the table and kissed him.

When we broke apart, he asked, "So, have you decided?"

I giggled. "Only if I can see you in tights."

He grinned. "You are a cruel woman."

After our meal, we got back in his car, touring a strange surreal landscape of dark twisting buildings.

For a few moments, I pondered the reasoning behind such unusual architecture, but then I remembered many cartoons with singing animated buildings that sort of twisted as they sang. "Do you know anything about these buildings, Chad?"

He shook his head. "I am not an architect."

We passed through a gate that looked like a toothy mouth. I asked Chad about it.

"It is part of a highway beautification program. City ordinances tell builders to put artistic things on what they build."

"Is that why they're also twisted?"

"Yes...You are very inquisitive."

"I'm a researcher," I said. "A scientist."

"Do scientists often do work in their underwear?"

I swallowed. "Some do."

"Then Cool World is not so different from your world, after all."

I blushed.

We passed a corporation with stone lions out front, rolling to a stop in front of a strange skyscraper tall apartment building.

Encounter 0-1-5-7.

The building had two mallard duck sculptures framing its staircase, a large eye decorating the door.

Chad shifted the car into park. "This is where I live."

I stared at it uncomfortably. "It's...nice."

Spotting a cop car, I ducked down. "Shit!"

I eased the seat all the way back, crawling into the rear, covering myself with nets and other dinosaur hunting accessories. "Sheesh! Will that guy ever go away?"

I heard that chirping sound cop cars do when they pull you over, then saw the red and blue lights.

"There is a costume by the floor," Chad muttered out of the side of his mouth. "Put it on."

It was a cartoon dinosaur costume. Hey, beggars can't be choosers.

I pulled the outfit on just a second before Harris came poking his nose into our business.

He showed Chad his badge. 'You seen a noid around here?"

My boyfriend shook his head, giving a Scooby Doo-like "Nuh-uh."

Harris looked in the back.

I probably looked adorable, a glowing T-Rex with googly eyes.

The cop narrowed his eyes in suspicion when he saw me, shining a flashlight in my face. I winced.

"What's that you got there?"

"It's a pet."

I waved my stubby claws, making a little growly noise.

"Cute. Very cute." Harris walked away, back to his car.

Chad fitted my neck with a leash, so I pretended to fight a little until we got through the front door and had it closed behind us.

"Harris, whatcha doing?" said a female voice.

I took off the suit, peering through a curtain to see what was happening outside.

There was Holli, hands on her hips, scowling at the officer.

"Come, spicy peach," said Chad. "I do not wish for you to be arrested."

"For what? I haven't done anything yet."

"And what if you decide to do...something?"

I closed the curtain. "I see your point."

I took in the foyer, staring at the fine trappings. It kind of reminded me of the Addams mansion. Twin staircase, a statue, suit of armor, a chandelier... "Do many doodles live here?"

"A few." He led me into an extravagantly decorated side room, where he introduced me to a pair of strangers, an alien named Miss Terious, and her butler, Sleezington, apparently Chad's friends.

Total weirdos. Apparently they had developed a new version of Chutes and Ladders that involved kinky sex games and whipping the other player with a cat-o-nine tails. I tried not to think about it. Much.

Me and Chad climbed the double staircase, stepping into an elevator at the landing.

A plain gray and white elevator. Very clean and sterile looking.

There was an awkward silence as we watched the floor number change.

"So..." I said. "Do you just play that one club, or are there other spots you perform at?"

"We have gone on many tours. It has been a nice interesting time. Some bad things have happened, but I will take your advice and focus on the happy."

Silence.

"Do you know anything about a scientist named Heinreich Baubels?" I asked.

He gave me a suspicious look. "I...seem to remember something. But the memory, I am sorry to say, is not clear. Why do you ask?"

"Oh nothing. It's just...I'm something of a...a student and historian of this place, and I read that he is responsible for the creation of the spikes of power."

"Hmmm..." he muttered. "I do not know. Perhaps we can speak to Vincent Whiskers about it tomorrow."

"Who's Vincent Whiskers?" I asked, but as he was opening his mouth to speak, I remembered what I saw in the comics. "He's the one who built the Cool World Planetary Defense Grid! Of course! Yes, I think we should see him."

"But not tonight. You see, we, I mean, the man, he goes to bed early."

I giggled a little. "I suppose he does."

Chad wagged his tail.

I don't know why I hadn't mentioned this much before. Maybe I was too embarrassed to admit that it turned me on, but he had a very nice thick kangaroo tail, one I was longed to stroke and grab, but was afraid to, thinking he'd in turn stroke and grab something on me. He was a little too forward as it was.

Still, whenever he appeared to be happy, that tail would wag back and forth, tempting me.

The tail stopped for a moment. "Jessica?"

He seldom used my name.

My heart pounded, cartoon hearts popping out of my outfit. "Yes?"

"What do you know about Jack Deebes and Holli Would?"

"Oh!" I laughed nervously, for I expected him to say something else. I'm not sure what I expected, but I thought it would be something more...personal. "Uh...Not nearly enough. I'm on a constant search for new information. Jack used to be my next door neighbor. I let him borrow my mom's car. I've read all his comics. About Holli and Slash and Bash..."

I shook my head. "I only saw Holli once. She was on the rooftop of the Union Plaza Hotel in Las Vegas. She, Jack and this other guy got in a fight. The guy fell off the building. I think they were fighting about the spike. It was the same time when all the world turned animated. I think the spike had something to do with it.

"It was the most fantastic thing I've ever experienced."

I'm pretty sure this response would have been more than sufficient to answer his question, but, damn it, I've been actively researching Cool World for at least a decade, and this was the first time I'd ever had an audience that took me seriously. So I gushed.

"I have sketchbooks filled with newspaper reports, blog posts, and interviews with the people around the hotel at the time of the incident. I've collected every scrap of Holli I could possibly find in the real world, documenting every detail.

"This blue teddy I'm wearing was actually taken from one of Holli's suitcases Jack's ex wife threw in the dumpster."

When I finished, Chad's mouth was hanging open, his tail doing little wags, and his eye...it had turned into a Valentine heart.

I giggled. "I take it you're impressed."

"Marry me," he said. "We will rule the world together."

I swallowed the lump that had suddenly formed in my throat. "Wow. This is a little...sudden, don't you think?"

"You already agreed to come to my private suite..."

I suddenly felt weak in the knees. I put my full weight on a railing.

"I have startled you," he said.

I nodded. "I need to think about this."

I looked into his eye. "Yes."

I blushed, shook my head. "I mean, no. I don't know. This is a lot to process! I'm sorry."

He chuckled softly. "We can discuss this over drinks, if that is acceptable to you."

I gave him a weak nod. "I still haven't seen you pirouette."

The elevator doors opened, and I got led into a white hallway lined with...glass cases full of S&M gear and medieval torture devices. It was like something out of Fifty Shades of Gray.

"Tell me something, lovely passion flower. Are you into bondage?"

Without thinking, I blurted "yes," but wasn't sure if it were in response to the S&M or his marriage proposal.

My brain kicked in. "No, I mean, I don't know."

He laughed. "You must be more decisive. Do not get me wrong, I love your shyness. It is refreshing, but you must not retreat from love, or it will retreat from you. You must be brave enough to be yourself. Tell, me sweet flower. Who are you?"

"I'm, I'm...I'm a scholar. A researcher historian."

"Is that what you want to be?" he said, tracing the shape of my face with his fingers.

"No," I squeaked.

"Then," he breathed with his muzzle inches from my face. "Who do you want to be?"

I swallowed. "Holli Would."

"Louder," he growled.

"Holli Would," I said with a little more volume.

"Holli Would would never be this timid!" he cried. "Louder!"

"I want to be Holli Would!" I yelled, then covered my mouth in horror at what I said.

He pulled my hand away. "You desire a strange thing, but if that is you, you must own it. Let your petals unfold. Be what you desire."

I swallowed, giving him a slight nod. "Okay."

He frowned, as if that were the wrong answer, but didn't say so.

Instead, he said, "Again I ask you, are you into bondage?"

I just stared at him.

The elevator doors slid closed behind me.