JESSICA

[0000]

I thought I saw the cop's head pop up in the window, but then it vanished. Ignore it, I thought. Ignore him and bird lady.

So. Back to me and Chad.

He dammed my beaver.

It turns out that his large kangaroo feet weren't an accurate measurement of what's in his thong, but it was close.

I'm absolutely certain there are no circumcisions done in comics or cartoons, but, well, he had been drawn like he'd gotten one.

The sensation of him inside me was...a little hard, I mean, difficult to describe. It wasn't like flesh. It was, well, paint, slick and plastic-like.

I love slick and plastic-like. In fact, I have a few hidden in drawers around my apartment. And then there's my Hello Kitty battery powered toothbrush...

Anyway.

So he's enjoying himself, I'm enjoying myself, and the beaver, well, he's got his eyes shut, buzzing away. I decided to just ignore him and slap him a few times when he got carried away.

I pulled hard on Chad's tail and chewed on his ears, biting until it drew blood. He whimpered, but...it was still business as usual between his legs.

I got sick of the ball gag, tortured him by just sitting on him while I unfastened it, then got going again, involving our mouths this time.

"Who-o-ooh!"

I saw a bird-like silhouette flash by the windows, heard cussing and swearing as the body collided with another shape that looked suspiciously like Officer Harris. The cop screamed and fell.

"Guess she's good for something after all," I muttered.

"She definitely does have her moments."

A couple times, one or both of Chad's hands would pop out of the handcuffs and grab my butt. When I asked about it, he said he was able to do that "Because it was funny."

I said it was sexier than it was funny, but he replied that it was funny to him. I'd say that explains why I didn't laugh when I watched Roger Rabbit.

We got more worked up, things became more urgent. We made weird noises together, sometimes in unison.

At one point, I got a little too carried away. "Oh yes," I cried, my toes curling in ecstasy. "Booga!"

Chad froze suddenly, looking upset. I actually felt him shrivel inside me. "Why did you call me that?"

I swallowed. "You look like him. That's all. I swear. I've only seen him as a two dimensional image. On paper. And you're way cuter. I promise I'll never call you that again."

I put his ear in my mouth, gnawing on it with my teeth, hand yanking his tail. "You can't do this with a comic book."

"Si," he said. "And neither can you this." He explored my mouth, gripping my buttocks as he thrust himself into me.

I must have made some weird noises, for I heard him saying, "Your birdsong is like a chipmunk and a small bear attacking a parakeet with their genitals. I like it."

I giggled, making that noise again.

Our movements increased at a frenzied rate, rising and falling, gasping and moaning,

And then...

And then...

A window came open next to the bed. The cop popped his head in, hand waving a cartoon gun. "Cool World Police!" he yelled.

He didn't get to finish, but I did.

Something literally exploded.

At first, we just hit a climax, the top of that final downhill slide, Chad under me looking...ready as he'll ever be, and then two things happened at once.

First, I heard Chad moaning in pleasure as something that felt like paint gushed into me.

How do I know how it feels to have paint up there? I'm an artist and I experiment with paint. Martian Kissing Gardens Number 1 to 10 (acrylic on canvas). They should still be on display at the Belger Art Space if you want to see them.

Anyways.

A second later, as I'm hitting my own pleasurable release, the entire room lit up.

In fact, my whole body lit up, and his, and all the windows shatter.

The cop went flying into the city below.

At this point, I'm not thinking about anything because I'm having the mother of all orgasms. We're just glowing and...doing our thing as waves of pleasure wash over us.

That's when the earthquake happened.

The entire apartment shakes, the walls crack and split, and I'm just absently watching it occur...because I'm still busy.

Thankfully, the quake stopped. I slumped down exhausted on Chad's chest, giggling as I gazed up into his eye. "Did the earth move for you too?"

He laughed.

For a few minutes, we lay there, wrapped in each other's arms (again, "it was funny"), basking in the afterglow.

My body flickered, like a light.

When I looked down at my thighs, my arms, I saw I was animated.

I'd been made into a cartoon! I laughed and squealed in delight.

My sex partner...well, that was the truly weird part.

There was a live action movie called Tank Girl, released a few years ago. It had Ice T or Ice Cube as a mutant kangaroo. Chad...he kinda reminded me of the rapper's rather mentally slow companion. The cute one Drew Barrymore slept with.

Mine...was kinda like that, except for, you know, the eyepatch. And maybe his eyes weren't as dull. Stubby muzzle, shorter ears, rough looking hairy features...but soft to the touch. Skin almost the color of coffee with creamer in it. I still liked what I saw.

He turned real and cartoon at odd times. I, on the other hand, remained consistently animated, maybe blinking human for a bit every eight or ten minutes.

I didn't know Harris had entered the room until he was standing over the bed, pointing a pistol at me. "All right, Malley. Off the kangaroo."

I sat back on Chad's lap. "I can't. I'm...stuck."

He rolled the dots he had for eyes. "Then get unstuck."

Chad picked up an alarm clock from a nearby stand, you know, like he were dead tired and checking to see what time it was.

A trapdoor opened in the floor. Harris disappeared with an angry shout.

I leaned over the side...a little, but couldn't see much of anything. "Where'd he go now?"

"The garbage chute."

"Why do you have a garbage chute next to your bed?"

"I have other enemies. This kind of thing happens often. And when I get sick..."

I grimaced in disgust. "Don't finish that sentence. What happens if you get up in the middle of the night and want to get a good look at your clock?"

"I do not do this standing up." He frowned. "Except once. I took many showers."

We continued to lay in each other's arms, enjoying...being stuck.

I suddenly heard a sharp knock on one of the windows.

Oh. He had them fixed. Handy guy.

Automatic window replacement. Chad said he put it in after several home invasions. All he has to do is twist the eye of the tentacled thing on the bed, and a new set rolled up in place of the broken ones.

...Or breaks the existing ones if you do something weird in your sleep. He said he'd done both.

I don't know how Harris got in. Glass cutters, or maybe the stairs, I guess.

Whoever it was kept knocking.

"Owl Woman?" I asked.

"I...do not think so," Chad said. "Owl Woman has tools. That is how she got rid of the bomb (Owl Woman Issue 12-Ed) and leaves me birthday and Christmas presents."

He actually said the editorial insert.

I frowned at him. "Owl Woman seems...very strange."

"She is," he said. "But I am happy that she cares."

The knocking got louder, and I heard a female voice crying, "Excuse me!"

I dismounted my `steed', stomping to the window, where a humanoid female bluebird stood in a nurse's uniform with a briefcase clutched in one feathered hand.

"We're busy," I yelled.

The bird put a paw on her hip, giving me this, `Now really' look.

With a sigh, I opened the window, and the bird stepped in, touching up her brown hair. "My name is Cupcake with National Baby Farms, Worldwide Child Cabbage Patch LLC. Also known as the NBF. Our systems detected sexual intercourse in this location, and I need to ask you a few questions. Is this a bad time?"

"No, no," I said with a grin. "This is a wonderful time."

She unfolded her briefcase into a desk, and a very strange conversation followed.

Apparently all cartoons are born in a cabbage patch, and we violated something or another, so we had to fill out forms if we wanted a baby. After all, Chad probably only filled me with paint.

"Oh please let me register!" I cried. "This would be like a dream come true!"

Cupcake gave me this ugly look, then handed me a giant stack of papers to sign. I was told there would be a fee as well, but Chad said not to worry about it.

The packet was called the HDBB 2900, and it was huge. I almost wished Drew were there to walk me through it, because the bird was a little short tempered, and Chad didn't understand any more about the thing than I did.

We must have filled out paperwork for hours, and while we did this, the thunder rumbled so much I thought it would flash flood.

The paperwork was...rather personal. I had to tell Cupcake my family ancestry, which of course I didn't know all the way back, my place of employment, the amount of times I intended to sleep with Chad, whether or not I would seek other partners in the future...I'm not sure there was anything about me Cupcake didn't eventually learn through the course of this ridiculous mound of paperwork.

Somewhere near the end of all this, Cupcake pulled a long syringe out of her pocket, a syringe with an even longer needle. "You may find the next stage of the process rather...unpleasant, but it is necessary for successful infant production."

"You're taking a blood sample?"

"Yes, Ms..."

"Malley..." I glanced at Chad. "...Buckthorn."

Chad blushed. "So your answer is yes? You will marry me?"

I nodded.

Cupcake cleared her throat. "Very well, then, Ms. Malleybuckthorn. I'm going to need a blood sample, a pint right now, but we'll need another one later."

"What is this for?" I asked.

"We need it to combine your genetic material with that of your...fiancee." She said the last word with an expression of distaste. "We've used a similar method with other parties, and it has worked successfully."

"Why don't you just take some of my ovaries?" I suggested.

The bird blinked several times, staring at me in bafflement. "What are those."

I laughed. "Seriously? You don't know?"

"Information of that nature is above my pay grade, Ms. Malleybuckthorn. I was only sent here to audit your sexual transaction. I know neither about uteruses nor ovaries. I only know what Headquarters has assigned me to discuss with you."

I fought down a giggle, trying to remain proper and serious, for the bird appeared to have no sense of humor. "Ma'am, an ovary is a sort of egg stuck to a special lining inside my vagina. These eggs contain tons of genetic material, so if you can just take one out, and I don't know, use it to do whatever you do with cartoon babies, I'm sure it'll work better than a blood sample. You only...have to figure out how to remove them."

The bird blinked like a frog in a hailstorm.

After pausing in thought for a long time, to the tune of the Jeopardy theme song, she at last blurted, "Would it inconvenience you to accompany me to our reproductive services department?"

"Oh no," I said with a excited grin. "I can't wait to see this place!"

The bird visibly shuddered.

I glanced at my boyfriend. "Honey, could you be a dear and fetch me my cape?"