Okay. So is it `evil,' per se, if a trained chimp can figure out how to take advantage of a company's absolute lack of tamper guards and security precautions?

Here's what happened:

An actual nurse showed up. I expected Nurse Cupcake (awkward), but instead I saw Hello Nurse from the Animaniacs stepping into the room with her blonde hair, high heels and skimpy nurse's outfit.

I didn't remember her speaking in the cartoon, so it was a shock to see her mouth opening and valley girl speak bubbling out. "So. Like, I looked at that diagram thingy, and I guess it isn't exactly the same size as the picture, `cause that would be huge, but I'm kinda thinking maybe if I just take, like a turkey baster or something and get at the lining, I should be able to get enough stuff, for, you know, the machines and such. You don't mind if I stick my hands in your vagina, do you?"

I cringed. "Wow. You're really unprofessional."

She smiled and bobbed her head like that were a compliment. "Why thank you! You're so nice!"

I rolled my eyes. "Do you also function as OBGYN for the Care Bears?"

Hello Nurse let out a pleased giggle. "Have you been reading my resume?"

"Never mind," I groaned.

"Your outfit is so cute! It looks good on you!"

I frowned. "Uh, thanks."

"The best part is, I don't have to tell you to take off your pants, because, whoop, there it is."

I grimaced. "Yeah. By the way, why do you know what a vagina is, and everyone here has no clue what a uterus is?"

Hello Nurse looked like she were concentrating very hard upon the question. "I'm not absolutely sure, but I think they're the same thing."

"Ahem," said Nurse Cupcake, unrolling a chart. "This is a diagram of a doodle's vagina."

It was ridiculous, but you knew that already, right?

Um...I didn't see any eggs, or egg producing things. I'm not even sure they have periods. It was like a picture of a balloon, ringed with a bunch of...bulbs or sensors or...I don't know, probably something to send radio signals back to the factory with? "What is that? A bladder?"

"No," Cupcake said matter-of-factly. "It's a vagina."

And then she basically explained what I could pretty well guess from the factory tour.

"Uh...that's not how it works," I said. "I mean, maybe that's how yours work, but not mine."

"So..." Hello Nurse pulled out a turkey baster. "I'm going to stick this in your vagina, and you just tell me where to start squeezing."

"Oh God," I groaned. "You did not just say that."

"Oh, and if you see me rubbing my legs together and moaning a little, just go with it, okay?"

"Nurse Cupcake!" I cried in disgust. "Could you please get me a different...nurse?"

Narrowing her eyes, Cupcake said, "Ms. Malleybuckthorn, the woman knows her stuff."

I shuddered. "She knows it a little too well. Please. Another nurse. A doctor. Anyone else."

With a shrug, Cupcake threw a lever, and Hello Nurse fell down a hidden trapdoor. "Be just a few minutes," she said, marching out.

"That nurse seemed okay," Chad said.

'That nurse was a lesbian," I countered. "I don't do that."

"What about your Fifi patch?"

I blushed. "That's different."

"How-"

"You want me to make cracks about your dolls and leotards?"

He looked like he were about to say something.

"I thought you liked...giving me rides."

That shut him up.

I frowned at the framed advertisement for Vlasic mustard relish, waiting for the replacement doctor. Here's where I typed most of what you've read up to this point.

They had a light box for x-rays, supply cabinets and desks full of medical supplies, a blood pressure machine, a scale, the whole nine yards. They weren't any more interesting as painted objects.

At last, I saw the new doctor.

He looked like an alien or some kind of mutant.

I didn't recognize him from any show. I figured he was either a Cthulhu, one of those weird creatures from A Wrinkle In Time, or a generic tentacle rape monster from one of those Hentai cartoons.

He resembled a gray tree, shuffling around on tentacle roots in that awkward way Morticia walks in her dress in The Addams Family, his upper part made up of dozens of tentacles, with a giant eye in the middle.

"My name is Doctor Boggerslosh," it said in a gurgling, weirdly echoing alien voice that kinda reminded me of Dr. Zoidberg from Futurama. "I will be assisting you in this procedure. I understand that you are somewhat nervous about being touched in intimate areas, so I will try to make this procedure as brief and nonthreatening as possible."

I wasn't that body conscious, I just didn't want to have Hello Nurse digging around in my intimate areas. I stared at him in awkward silence for a moment. "Oh...kay?"

"Does it make you uncomfortable when I do this?"

A bunch of eyes burst out of his tree portion as a big lion toothed mouth roared at me.

I yelped a little, but wasn't that scared because nothing animated frightens me.

The doctor laughed. "Just kidding. I thought I'd break the tension with some humor."

I laughed, but actually felt more tense.

So...you know, I kinda got tentacle raped. But he collected just about everything he could collect from in there.

Yeah, a little awkward.

Okay. Really, really awkward.

Because, I don't know, I guess I didn't have ovaries when I was a doodle or something, and nobody shut the door while he was probing around, so everyone could see in.

Worse, I was kind of getting off on it, because he was spending so much time down there.

I didn't think it would do any good, but I tried to will myself back to a human state by thinking real thoughts about reality, wondering where my car was, thinking about how I had about twelve hundred left on that car loan, and a hundred dollar unpaid speeding ticket, wondering how long I could disappear from the job before being considered a `no-call-no show'.

Not that I cared that much about those things anymore, it was just, well, like thinking happy thoughts in Peter Pan, except in reverse.

I guess in between that and reliving memories of ad agencies humiliating me before giving me the standard "Don't call us, we'll call you" routine, Doctor Boggerslosh managed to get the samples he needed, sucking them out with one of those dentist's vacuums.

I felt kinda disappointed when he put the samples in test tubes and left the room, because, you know, I was getting worked up.

I supposed I could resolve the matter later with Chad, or the Beaver.

"Thank you," said Nurse Cupcake. "We'll let you know if we need anything else."

I zipped up, fighting the trembling in my legs. "Uh, no hurry. But when should I be expecting my baby?"

She marched up to a koala, muttering something to him about the situation.

People in Cool World whisper a little too loudly, so I could understand many parts of the conversation.

They didn't know the turnaround time. The koala was suggesting a day to six months.

Good Lord, I thought. Please don't let it be a day! That wouldn't be enough time to prepare for anything!

The bird turned to me, giving an apologetic smile. "I'm very sorry, but we're not sure yet. It could be -"

"I heard," I interrupted. "We'll uh..."

I glanced at my kinda-sorta fiancee. "We'll just hang out until then."

"Would you like for me to fly you home?"

"No, no, it's uh, good weather for a walk."

Chad gave her a cheesy grin. You know, the `up to no good' pearly white flash.

"We'll let ourselves out," I continued. "I think I can find the way on my own."

"For security purposes," Nurse Cupcake said. "I must accompany you."

"Fine, fine," I sighed, momentarily wondering if my estimation of intelligence of their operation had been incorrect.

She made me put the lab coat and hard hat back on, and I got led through the plant once more.

"Wait," I said as we neared the end of the assembly floor. "I gotta go to the bathroom."

"Come with me to the lobby," she said, but I acted like I was going to burst right then and there.

"I don't think I can hold it."

My deception worked. She led me past a punch clock to the employee restrooms.

They were like locker rooms, basically, with showers and toilets. A flock of nude female birds and a few naked mice giggled and slapped themselves with towels, a couple of them standing under shower heads, lathering themselves seductively under the spray.

Nurse Cupcake still followed me, so I crept into a stall and typed this entry. When finished, I actually used the toilet.

I could see her feet below the door, so I waited a moment and said, "There's no toilet paper."

It was a lie, but whatever.

When she didn't reply, I stood on the can, looking over the door.

The bird had put a pair of fake feet in front of the door, with a little alarm bell tied to the handle.

I sneaked under the stall into the one adjacent, and found myself brushing the legs of Hello Nurse.

"i would have preferred if you knocked," she said. "But this is okay too. Did you change your mind about that thing?"

"Bleah!" I cried, scuttling into the locker room.

The moment I stood up, I noticed a seagull pulling off her face to reveal an iguana's head.

She, or rather he set aside its lab coat, gloves and ID badge in such an exaggerated fashion that he seemed to be saying, "Hey, Jessica! Come over here and take my things!"

The creature reminded me of Me Too Me Too Iguana, from some children's book or another. I guess if he desperately wanted to be a zebra or an elephant, it didn't surprise me that he also wanted to change sexes as well, like Bruce Jenner.

So...he...it...hopped in the shower, leaving his stuff behind.

I swiped the mask, gloves and the badge. Me Too didn't seem to care.

The moment I put the mask on my face, it snapped to the shape of my head.

In the mirror, I saw a seagull blinking at me.

"Awesome," I said, my animated beak moving with my words.

I put on the badge and scuttled outside.

I found Chad sitting on the floor, frowning at Nurse Cupcake, who stood blowing floating elephants and other shapes out of a cigarette.

I waddled up to them, lowering my voice in attempts to make it sound different. "Excuse me. I was just speaking to a noid lady in the restroom, and she said she has explosive diarrhea and won't be coming out for awhile. She said it's so nasty she might even need to take a shower afterwards, so she said she'll meet you outside when she's all done."

Chad looked disgusted. "I believe this is called Too Much Information?"

Nurse Cupcake frowned, eying me with suspicion.

"You must be incredibly busy with running the plant and all," I said. "How about I take this gentleman outside to meet her?"

I felt myself turn human for a moment, but the bird mask was perfect, hiding the change.

The bird's brow furrowed. "I am busy..."

"Well then!" I clapped my gloved hands. "Let's go, Mister..."

Chad looked confused. "...Buckthorn."

I took his hand, leading him into the factory.

As we neared the cabbage unwrappers, Chad stopped me. "You seem very familiar to me somehow."

"I should," I said in my normal voice. "You gave me an orgasm that blew out the windows."

"Impossible," he said. "I didn't sleep with a bird, I slept with a noid!"

"You idiot!" I hissed. "It's me, Jessica!"

His eyes widened. "So now you turn into a bird?"

I sighed in frustration, removing my mask partway.

"Oh!"

I put it back, pulling him behind a mine cart labeled `Rejects,' briefly wondering what kind of rejects they would be throwing in there. "Did you find a good distraction?"

Chad shrugged. "I have a few ideas."

"Fire away."

He didn't make any stupid jokes, he just showed me what he found. One more reason why I loved him.

Chad showed me the punch clock.

Of course it had to be one of those old ones with the paper card. It brought back memories of old Looney Tunes episodes where the Coyote, blackened from dynamite, clocks out and says, "Goodnight, George" to the sheepdog or whatever, like getting blown up was something he only did for eight hours a day. "So what? I have one at my work, and it's digital."

"It's a time clock," Chad said.

I only said, "So?"

"A time clock," he repeated.

I frowned. "Your point being?"

He moved the hour hand from 9:45 to 10:00.

"Section A break!" a pelican shouted. "Be back in fifteen!"

The line stopped. Cabbage babies cried in a pile by the dump station.

"I am sick to death of this cabbage," one of the rabbits complained, lighting up a cartoon cigarette.

"You can't stuff a baby in a carrot," said another.

"That's why I brought Hidden Valley Ranch salad dressing," said a third, waving a bottle with an oddly conspicuous label.

"Hey, hey," a stork said, waving away the bunny's cloud of smoke shaped like a bikini clad rabbit. "You know the rules. No smoking on the floor.The parents will smell it."

The rabbit extinguished his cigarette.

I laughed. "Okay then!"

I turned the hand to twelve, expecting the lights to shut off and everyone to go home, but I only saw the calendar next to the clock turn a page by itself, and a change of employees working the line.

One of the rabbits checked something above a machine, then frowned. "It's midnight, boss! When can I go?"

"You know the drill, Steve. You can't go until Team B relieves you."

"It doesn't feel that late," said Hidden Valley Rabbit. "I need the hours anyway."

And they just kept trucking along.

I stared at the calendar.

Monday July 20, it said.

Nobody checked their watch.

Nobody questioned how break time was immediately followed by an end of shift change.

Hmmm...

"If I dood it, I get a whipping," I said in hushed tones, glancing back and forth. "I dood it!"

I spun the hour hand around and around and around. The calendar turned from Tuesday to Wednesday.

I heard grumbling about nobody coming to relieve this or that team, that someone owed them overtime pay. The bosses on the line promised they'd forward their request to H.R. for approval.

"It doesn't feel like we've been here three days," one of the sorters yelled.

To this a bird complained, "Speak for yourself. It feels like I've been working here an eternity!"

Suppressing a giggling fit, I turned the hour ahead a couple more days.

Thursday...

Friday...

...Shabbat?

Not Saturday. Shabbat. That's what the calendar actually said.

Someone pulled the tail on the pterodactyl thing from The Flintstones, causing it to make that characteristic screech.

"Shabbat!" the bosses yelled. "Start wrapping it up!"

Lights shut down, rabbits and storks literally wrapping babies up in cellophane as the other stations cleared out.

I just had to laugh. I couldn't help it.

Fortunately, nobody heard me. I ducked back behind the Reject bin, watching birds waddling out the door, switching their hard hats for yarmulkes as they did so. I was cracking up so much I had to bite my hand to keep from giving away my position.

Those gloves taste funny.

When I thought about that, I nearly lost it.

Soon, the place was dead empty.

All clear.

"Yes!" I cried.

The first thing I did was throw off my disguise and lab coat, hopping up on the conveyor belt to look at all the babies. And the Reject bin.

The discards seemed rather arbitrary. Sure, a few of them had no faces, or arms, or maybe had a few questionable design elements, but I thought a few of them deserved a second chance.

At last. Some creative control.

I cherry picked through the babies, throwing quite a few of the rejects back on the production line, like, for example, a cat with a face on its stomach and flower petals around its head. I think that's unique.

As I rummaged through the piles of cabbages, and the stripped ones ready for the sorter, I realized how enormous an undertaking this actually was. To make this place halfway decent, I'd have to dump an enormous quantity of animated shit.

Honestly. The stuff these animation studios come up with these days.

I kept the Gansito and Bimbo bakery characters, because they're awesomely styled after classic Disney cartoons. Call me biased.

I threw away several Dexter's Lab/Spongebob/Fairly Oddparents type characters, with their angular bodies and lazy sloppily drawn limbs, the bastardized Rocky and Bullwinkle types, I even threw out a few Pixar-esque creations, because, well, using a computer to draw an entire movie requires no skill.

The digital vat. I saw it pouring into the seeds in the laboratory when we took the tour. I would have to do something about that little bit of pollution.

But what to replace it with?

"Hey!" I heard a voice shouting.

Uh-oh!

I was aware of jumping off the conveyor belt and running, but Chad later told me I did a Speedy Gonzales, leaving a cloud of smoke and blur lines as I ran.

I darted beneath a conveyor, then, remembering my disguise, I stretched out my hand toward the bin Chad still cowered behind.

My arm actually extended five feet. It shocked me so much I nearly dropped my things. "Cool!"

I pulled the mask and labcoat on just seconds before the bird reached me.

I pretended to sleep.

"Ahem."

Groaning and rubbing my eyes, I lowered my voice. "Is it Shabbat already?"

Chad tried to move, but I shook my head no.

Nurse Cupcake looked at me funny, like she knew something was up.

I brushed myself off, trying to look sleepy as I put my hard hat on.

"Have you seen a woman in a bikini and cape climbing up on the conveyor?"

"No," I lied. "I was asleep."

Airtight alibi. Win!

She looked even more suspicious now. "You're sure."

"Yeah," I said. "Wasn't there supposed to be a Bar Mitzvah today?"

"At four P.M. Everyone's going to temple right now. Weren't you supposed to be at Equine Sort?"

"Uh, sorry. I was just on break, talking with Larry and I must have dozed. You know how he gets when he starts telling stories..."

She frowned, but only waved me away. "Save me some cake."

"Do you want cake...or a Cupcake?"

"Don't be a smart elec!"

Awesome.

I hurried to the exit, nodding Chad to remain where he was.

As I neared the door, I heard Cupcake shout, "Hey! Pat! Where's your kippot?"

I just stared at her. "A what?"

"Your little hat."

"It's in the car," I bluffed.

Cupcake gave me a dirty look. "You don't have a car. You flew."

"I'm...a...conservative!"

She bought it. "Oh!" She gave me another dismissive wave.

I didn't go to the lobby. Instead I darted to the elevators.

I wanted to see if the law would really get me for ruining a pun.

The building only had three floors, so it was easy to find the Board Room.

When the elevator doors opened, I quickly rushed out into the meeting area at speeds exceeding the capabilities of my noid body.

I stared at the glass case containing the two by four. No locks or hinges, like one of those box frames for certain types of paintings, except you couldn't pull it off the wall and get at the painting. It didn't look like it could be easily opened.

I searched the long table for something blunt, and came across...Squeeky Clean Magazine's Number One Tidiest Business Office Award, a weighty silver sculpture of a white glove extending a dust free finger.

Giggling, I threw the award.

The glass shattered with a satisfying crash, scattering a glittering mess all over the carpet. "Oops! Guess you've dropped a rank!"

Immediately an alarm went off, which made me giggle more.

I reached in, grabbed the Board of Directors, hurried to the elevator.

The Board didn't fit. I searched for a fire escape instead.

Because it was Cool World, they didn't have one. They did, however, have a regular staircase.

The bird caught me hurrying down the stairs with the piece of wood.

"Where are you going with that?" she said with narrow eyes.

"To the Bar Mitvzah," I replied.

"And why would you take the Board of Directors to a Bar Mitzvah?"

"Why wouldn't I?" I cried, delighted at the successful use of pun.

Cupcake couldn't argue with that. She was using that tone of voice Agent Smith from The Matrix used when he got really confused. "On the surface, your reasoning appears to make sense...but the fact remains that is only a pun, and you are removing property from a corporate office. As a doodle, I'm supposed to accept your explanation as valid because it's humorous, yet by doing so, I may get fired, which would not be funny...which may in turn protect my job...unless they fire me in a humorous way..."

I could tell this wouldn't end well, so I said, "Okay, I love you, goodbye!" and ran off with the board, leaving her to debate with herself.

I met up with Chad, still hiding behind the Reject bin.

I peeled off the disguise, waving the board triumphantly. "Ta-daah!"

"What are you going to do with that?" he said with a frown.

"Oh, I don't know," I said, propping it against a conveyor. "Maybe I'll tell everyone I own the board of directors at Vlasic?"

"You are a shrewd businesswoman, wildflower. I am awed by your ingenuity."

I grinned. "C'mon. Let's poke our noses where they don't belong."

I tossed away the lab coat and hard hat, marching quickly through the factory.

Well, quickly until the music started up.

It was light, slightly ominous classical music, like they use for antagonists in corporate dramas, or maybe the ambiguously sort-of-evil people they show in Jurassic Park.

I decided to time my steps to the music, just for fun, but it only made me think of graduating school, so I stopped the practice at once.

I opened a door, and found a room containing nothing but stacks and stacks of cloth and plastic diapers. I closed the door slightly, intending to check the next door down.

"Stop right there," I heard Cupcake shouting.

I spun around and saw the bird now had on a security guard uniform, and she pointed a banana at me.

I laughed. "Careful. It might go off."

"They won't let me carry a real one."

I snickered. "A real banana?"

"No, a gun, stupid."

"That's tragic. It really is."

I opened the door wider, looking shocked. "Did you see this? It's a room full of diapers!"

"Where!" Cupcake cried, but then scowled. "I knew that."

I chuckled, then I pounced. "You know...nobody's here. I didn't see any security cameras, so I don't think anyone would notice if you, I don't know, tried one on?"

She visibly swallowed. "And why would I do that?"

I grinned. "Please. I could tell you dug the whole adult baby thing."

I stepped closer to her, making her instinctively retreat. "Admit it. You want to dress up in baby things and let someone else nanny you."

"N-no," she cried, backing away further.

I closed the gap. "It's okay. It's just us. If you're into it, we won't mind, will we, Chad?"

My boyfriend shrugged. I guessed he didn't get it, either.

Heck, I didn't get it, but I understood enough. "You want someone to clean you up after you make a mess and sprinkle your bum with powder."

"That sounds gross," Chad said.

The bird blushed. "Not...that gross."

I giggled, waving at the open door. "If you like it so much, you really should try one on."

The bird glanced back and forth, I presume to see if anyone else were watching, then tiptoed stealthily through the door, closing it behind her.

Now, around certain doors, like the one to the board room, and some others, the builders had bolted a pair of decorative metal stork heads.

These stork heads faced with their beaks pointing downwards, but the ones around the diaper room door appeared to be loose enough to turn around with a little effort. Better still, these beaks stuck out from the wall at a distance of roughly three or four inches.

I think you can probably guess where this is going. Thanks to the Board of Directors, I had an instant barricade.

"Good luck on the pooping," I called to my prisoner.

Then I clapped and rubbed my hands together. "All right, Chad. Let's make some babies!"

In response, Chad made that loud swallowing "Ulp" sound they always do in cartoons.