"Dad!" I cried with surprise. "I..."
He smiled. "It's been a long time..."
I just stared at him.
The man had been absent for ninety percent of my life. I'd visit him at the jail from time to time, but, you know we weren't that close.
Riffraff and Sneezer didn't look surprised to see Dad. I guessed it had something to do with him being in Cool World for so long.
"Hi, Jack," Riffraff said.
Jack nodded. "Hey."
"Hello, dad," Amanda said.
Dad furrowed his brow, like he suspected something amiss. "Hey, sweetie."
He checked an animated watch, then squinted at her again. "I see you've been working on your control."
Holli rolled her eyes. "You really are dense."
No one bothered to explain anything.
"Are you going to hug him?" Amanda asked me.
This made it awkward and uncomfortable for both me and dad.
He glanced at Amanda, then did a double take.
The expression turned to shock when he saw me turn into a female vampire bat.
"Oh my God. You didn't."
I looked away.
He rubbed his face. "God. Your own sister."
"Half sister," Amanda corrected. "I didn't have a choice."
"You had plenty of choices!" Jack yelled. "Your mother pulled me out of a prison! Why couldn't you do something like that!"
"I've seen those guys," Amanda said in a low growl. "I'd rather sleep with my own brother than sleep with that scum."
Jack looked skeptical. "And you didn't look anywhere else."
Amanda waved at Dane. "I really don't think she'd want me taking her boyfriend."
"I wouldn't mind that much," Dane blurted.
Amanda glared at her, then turned her anger back on dad. "I searched all over Cool World for some place, some way to grab a decent human man and bring him in, but someone's been closing up all the portals!"
"Whiskers," Jack muttered.
"Who's Whiskers?" I asked.
"No one," Dad said. "He's just the doodle that helped me save the world. Can't say I'm really surprised that he's closing off access."
He turned into a cartoon Doctor Watson. None of us, except for Dane, seemed surprised.
He and Amanda's mother stared at each other.
"Holli," Dad said, looking somewhat flustered and embarrassed.
"Jack." She breathed his name like a curse.
An awkward silence fell between the two parties.
Amanda disappeared through the door, making herself scarce, but Riffraff, Sneezer and Dane watched with rapt fascination.
Holli glanced at them in annoyance, but didn't say anything.
"So," Dad said, clapping his hands. "Who wants a drink?"
"This isn't a social visit," Holli replied coldly. "But if you wouldn't mind..."
She gestured to the containers of glop. "I need to get these home."
Back at my apartment, Holli had attempted to do some experiments with the inky stuff she'd already collected, but I'm not a scientist, and had no access to a lab. The only stuff I had remotely close to a chemistry set were some bottles of tub and tile cleaner, some measuring cups, and a broken Fisher Price microscope I had since I was a kid. She said she would have to go home to get anything accomplished.
Dad frowned, giving his rather vacuous companion a nod. "Chori..."
The strange doodle silently marched up to the collection of containers, taking a few of them through the door.
Dad grabbed the trash can, then froze as he stared at his surroundings.
"Hey!" he cried. "This is the hotel!"
"Yeah," I groaned. "Ironic, huh."
Dad stared at the walls. "Know anything about this?"
"Some," I said. "Why?"
"Because a lot of that bullshit about Vegas Vinnie came from this place. I can't help but wonder..."
"This room was owned, rather, occupied by someone named Heinreich Baubels. Manhattan Project guy, I guess. Built something called the Bubble Bomb."
Dad frowned, as if something about that sounded familiar to him.
Dane was listening with her mouth hanging open in awe.
"The guy experimented in cartoons crossing over into real life," I said. "This room is like his testing ground."
"That explains a few things," Dad muttered as he watched the cartoon cat devouring the mouse.
When Dane touched the picture, it turned back into a line drawing.
"You can look at those later," Holli said, grabbing a cluster of bottles. "We need to get this stuff into Cool World."
Jack stared at one of the containers with his hands on his hips. "Wait, wait. Holli, what is this? What are we doing with these?"
"None of your damn business," Holli snarled, shoving Gladware into Dane's hands.
"I make it my business when what you do turns everyone on earth into a cartoon."
Dane froze in mid-step, eager to hear more.
"I'm not doing that this time," Holli sighed, casually shoving the girl towards the portal. "All I did was drain a little liquid from under the spike, so we can find a cure for being part animated."
Dad shook his head, then hefted the trash can through the door. Dane followed him.
The hallway beyond the door looked like an architect's concept design for a tropical resort. Lots of wood paneling, lush plants springing up all over, exotic looking sculptures, fancy framework around the doors and windows. There was also an immense aquarium, with some fairly realistic looking fish inside.
Once inside, Dane froze again, staring at her surroundings with joyous wonderment. She practically dropped the containers of goop as she gawked at everything.
I doubted she would ever come back out again.
Extra popped out of my shirt for a moment, looking around. "Mast-"
He clamped his beak shut abruptly, whistling the theme to The Scarecrow and Mrs. King.
"Extra," I said. "It's okay. If someone tries to-"
The bird covered my mouth. "Master must never mention what we discussed," he hissed in my ear. "Not here. Not anywhere near Cool World. You will get me in trouble!"
I gave him a slight nod, so as to pretend he hadn't spoken.
He dove back into my shirt.
I watched Holli and the others taking the last of the containers into the house.
Honestly, I wanted to just shove her and everyone else through the door and slam it shut, leaving them there while I tried to piece together my life.
The problem was, I was stuck in a half animated form, so I desperately needed that cure.
"How's your mother been?" Dad asked me.
"Oh?" I said. "She's fine. Bitchy as usual. Still married. Still not happy about my lame job. I think she wanted me to be a doctor or a lawyer or something."
He laughed and shook his head. "Sometimes I think she's the only reason why I came to Cool World. To get away from her."
"I don't think you have to worry about that anymore," I said. "She pretty well doesn't think you exist."
"That may be true," he said. "But she's still taking a bite out of me financially, isn't she?"
"Pretty much. I think you willed her everything you own."
"That's bullshit," he said.
I shrugged. "Most lawsuits are, but what can you do? It's not like you were there to contest it."
"What about you?" he asked. "What did you do about it?"
"Me?" I said. "I'm lucky I can even afford rent."
"You work at H and R Block. I had to pay those guys almost two hundred dollars to file my paperwork, and you're saying you can't afford rent?"
I rolled my eyes. "I've had this conversation with mom. Just because you pay them two hundred dollars doesn't mean I get two hundred dollars. I work in a call center. It's different. Plus I have a bunch of other bills. The point is, I can't afford a lawyer, and you've been absent most my life, so I really don't care enough to get one."
He frowned at me, but didn't seem that irked, probably because he was used to living in Cool World, where he could draw his own money, or anything else he wanted.
He gestured to the door. "Why don't you come in and make yourself comfortable? I've got some fairly good drinks, or snacks if you want them."
Dane closed a cartoon closet door she'd been peering in. "What kind of snacks?" she called.
I looked at her like she was crazy. "Wasn't all that food I got you enough?"
"Well," she said. "I mostly nibbled. And I get sick if I try eating more than two Pop Tarts at a time."
Jack waved us all in. "Let's talk in the living room."
I really had no choice. I could either work the phones as Popeye the Sailor or take another trip into Looney Land.
Plus, whenever I turned into Rat Lady, Riffraff kept yanking my tail, dragging me to the door.
Dad's house looked like one of those jungle palaces you wander through in all of those Myst video games, an ostentatious display of wealth and sophistication, full of obscure pieces of sculpture and confusing bits of machinery that seemed to serve no apparent purpose.
I supposed if Dad wanted to assemble compound molecule chains every time he wanted to make coffee or flush the toilet, that was his business.
I stared at the Chinese fishes flitting back and forth in the aquarium, the scavenger shrimp cleaning out the mouth of a clownfish that, thankfully, wasn't Nemo.
"I originally planned to do the old fashioned house with the picket fence," Dad said. "But Holli apparently wasn't ready to settle down, so I just said `screw it' and made what I wanted."
"Interesting," was the only thing I could think to say in reply.
I heard the shatter of glass, then a red and white bird with a baseball for a body flapped into the hallway. Its beak chirped as it wiggled its tail feathers and flapped its wings.
Although not positive, I could almost swear that I saw it, or a bird like it, when playing baseball against Riffraff. In fact, I was certain I'd seen a few of those while playing center in little league...when I was trying to catch the real ball.
Looking irritated, Dad picked the bird up, hurling it out the broken window. "Damn pop flies," he muttered.
We descended a wide ornately wrought spiral staircase, entering a living room in the style of Frank Lloyd Wright. Elegant fireplace, nature paintings, a fountain, and a forest outside the window, some kind of indoor garden at the opposite end.
Dad gestured at the room. "I made this whole building from scratch," he said proudly. "I designed every room, from the blueprints to the decoration."
"You're definitely talented," I said.
"Sometimes I think that's his only virtue," Holli muttered.
Chori blinked, as if trying to decide if she agreed with that assessment.
I marched further in.
Off to one side, I could see a hallway lined with Japanese paper screens instead of sturdy walls.
They had several bookshelves. Amanda sat at a little desk in the corner, reading A Clockwork Orange. Okay, you don't actually read that book as much as look up words in the back and try to decipher all the sentences, but that's what she was doing.
Holli had already loaded all the containers of glop into a cart, and was wheeling it down the hallway when I came down.
Dad led me to a pair of facing rectangular sofas, gesturing for me to sit.
He glanced at his new animated girlfriend. "Chori, could you get us some drinks, please?"
The Asian nodded. So far, she had not uttered a single word.
I supposed it figured, as mother always tended to be a motormouth.
Dane sketched a skull on the circular coffee table, and it came to life, floating in the air above the sofa. "This is awesome!"
Jack took out an eraser and erased it. "I know you're excited, but could you please refrain? I don't want to live in a haunted house."
Dane blushed. "Sorry."
Riffraff and Sneezer didn't speak, probably because they were familiar with the family's relational difficulties and didn't want to get caught up in it. Instead they only watched us, wide eyed, and listening attentively.
"So," Dad said. "Son..."
This was awkward because I had just turned female, Sneezer of course staring at me with little hearts popping out.
Dad didn't skip a beat. "Tell me. How did you manage to wind up in Cool World?"
And so I told him the story.
"And you think Holli will actually find the cure." He sounded skeptical.
"I don't know," I said, turning into that fat kid from Disney's Up. "But I don't want to stay like this."
Dad turned into a cartoon clown. "I didn't either, but if there was really a cure, we would have found it by now. You do realize that stuff is basically ink, right?"
I turned into The Brave Little Toaster. "I'm really hoping there's more basically in there than ink. I can't live like this."
Dad changed into an animated version of himself. "Me, I have learned to live with it."
Chori came back from another room with a tray full of drinks, and sushi, setting them on the coffee table.
Dane immediately shoved two sushi rolls into her mouth, then frowned when she noticed the general flavorlessness.
I picked up a...I don't know, something, in a champagne glass. "It's easy for you," I said. "You can just draw yourself an imaginary girlfriend, and food, and a house. I can't draw anything. I can only do holes and hearts and stick figures. I don't belong here."
Dad sipped his drink. "This place really isn't so bad, once you get used to it."
"I'd say," Dane muttered in awe. She sipped from a wine glass, then grimaced.
I took a drink of mine and set it down. "Everything here tastes like tea."
"Mine tastes kind of like water," Dane said.
Riffraff shook his head. "Humans."
Dad looked disappointed in me. "You've inherited your imagination from your mother."
He pointed at his glass. "This is an exceptional French Bordeaux. Remember that scene from Peter Pan when they're eating off of empty plates and dishes?"
"No," I said.
He sighed. "Robin Williams pretends they're full of food, and they are. In Cool World, that's not pretend, that's survival."
"If that works so well, why haven't you figured out a way to make yourself completely human?"
He looked pained. "Believe me. I've tried. Just because a little kid can squish a bunch of lemons and make lemonade doesn't mean they can figure out the formula for Coke."
"I'm taking the Mach 5, Holli called from the hallway entrance.
"That's a racecar," Dad said. "There isn't room for storage or passengers. Take the Owlmobile. It's got plenty of room."
"It's a glorified minivan."
"Your point being? It's got cargo room and seats for passengers."
"I need something with a little more speed."
"You can't take Kitt."
"I can do what I want," Holli said, marching down the hallway.
Amanda got up, gesturing for me to follow her. "C'mon, Drew."
I shrugged and did so, marching down the corridor of paper screens.
Things got strange as we walked down that path, but I guess that was to be expected.
Through one open sliding door I could see a dojo, in which a ninja rabbit practiced stunts like they did in that Kung Fu sequence in the first Matrix film, running up the walls, defying gravity, that sort of thing.
Another open screen led to a female rabbit with a little tea set. The creature was big breasted and had on one of those baggy kimono things that revealed more than it concealed, and basically fell off when you untied the string, like a Chinese bathrobe. I kept walking.
A garage stood at the end of this hallway, containing a row of fine cars. A corvette, a shiny yellow Jeep, an Aston Martin. The room had been designed to look like a garage from the 1950's, complete with antique beverage signs, one of those vending machines that dispensed sodas in glass bottles, and an old style Mobilgas fuel pump.
The garage door was open, beyond which I could see a desert. It seemed the jungle was only on the opposite side.
...Unless it was one of those Looney Tunes things where it's a painting and you can drive through it.
In the back of this place, I saw a Chevy Lumina minivan, covered in gray feathers, with a sort of owl-like `mask' covering the front end. The Owlmobile, no doubt.
The Knight Rider car had been parked between the Speed Racer car and the Barracuda from Phantasm, making that weird whooshing sound as lights swept back and forth on its hood display.
As I looked around, taking in my surroundings, and wondering if Phantasm had ever been a cartoon, I heard the black Trans Am revving its engine.
A second later, it was off in the desert, leaving us in a cloud of cartoon dust.
"Hey!" I cried. "What the hell?"
"I know," Dad said with a smirk. "Shocking, isn't it?"
He jangled a set of keys. "Where to?"