JESSICA

[0000]

The animated newspaper article about the `incident' at Vlasic Baby Farms is hilarious. I'd tell you about that first, but it wouldn't make any sense to you, my reader, who is not currently inhabiting Cool World.

Okay, so this is what happened:

I saw how easy it was for people to slap together a doodle, combining their `genetics' (probably artistic styles or something rather than literal DNA), so I put together a few creations of my own.

You see, a koala had already finished with replicating my ovaries and DNA, so I tied him to a chair and duct taped his mouth as I...replicated a little more.

Pixar is crap anyway, so I dumped the entire digital vat, substituting mine in its place. The koala yelled something through his gag, squirming like he were having a fit, so I shoved him in a closet.

It seemed that even koalas and superhero space aliens were Jewish, for the staff had been pared down to a skeleton crew. For this reason, nobody came to stop me.

Well, that and the fact I wore my bird disguise. The lab assistants pretty much ignored me while I had it on. I don't think any of them ever considered the possibility of espionage before.

Their computer system looked like something out of a spy movie, with a giant world map (probably for deliveries), closed circuit televisions that monitored every plot of the baby farm and every room in the building, and a set of complicated looking but simple to operate keyboard controls. A couple pokes, and I had everything figured out.

Baby Number One was a cinch. I just pulled out Chad's profile and stuck my genetics into it. A second later, the machine was spitting out seeds.

I saw where the usual seeds went, and wasn't too happy about sticking my baby in such a lowly demeaning location (at least, not my first one), so I actually yanked a potted office plant out of its dirt and stuck my seed in there, making sure to give it a thorough watering.

I thought about peeing on it, since that's what people do in Xanth novels, but I didn't see any ammonia sprayers outside, so I decided that wasn't what you did with those.

Oh, and I found an amazing electronic drawing pad that allows you to `ad-lib' some details on a new doodle baby, even details that won't develop until they become adult, or their permanent fixed age, whichever comes first.

I spent...maybe too much time on that one. There were way too many possibilities for customization.

And then, well, I searched the system for any pending Pixar type digital characters and shuffled them forward into the `seed planting queue,' naturally replacing their electronic cells with Jessica Cells first.

Again, this was not difficult, for the majority of the operations resemble a child's toy computer from the 1980's (all flash and no substance), or one of those video games where you try to make food and special items (where supplies are the primary focus, rather than process elements like cooking time, temperature and skill). They basically ran on sorcery and wishful thinking. Maybe there is something to that hackneyed phrase "Disney magic".

They never showed me the process of planting and seed distribution, but it did not require a degree in biology, chemistry, or agriculture. I'm also certain that machines like the Qizwori Auto Seeder would not be practical in reality, due to the tremendous potential for energy loss and disproportionately large kinetic output.

Here's what happens:

The lab machine produces a seed.

The seed is placed on a small conveyor belt with other seeds, at which point a computerized machine sorts them all out like pills in a pharmaceutical company. So much for the creative process.

The pills go through small transparent tubes that feed into various regions of the `farm,' dropping into a machine that combines functions of a crop irrigator with a posthole digger and maybe a roto tiller, planting the seeds in open areas of soil, row by row.

The machine vaporizes predatory crows and other small animals that wish to attack the cabbage with a laser beam. It also `rotates' the crop, literally. You'd think planting some pickles in a few areas would enrich the soil for the next baby bumper crop, but it's a cartoon world, so I guess they don't have to worry about nutrient depletion.

An actual crop irrigator waters them on a schedule, peppering them with various chemicals, growth agents, mutagens and steroids (I saw the control board for that, but I figured "If it ain't broke, don't fix it," so I left it alone).

After watering, the plants are subjected to a variety of `rays', depending on what is scheduled for that region on that day, apparently on a rotation. One zone got concentrated moonlight, or sunlight from Funshine Bear, or cosmic rays, maybe even alien rays, by means of a sort of telescope that beamed concentrated space energy onto the patch.

As I watched the computer, I already saw a cluster of red dots appearing in a zone labeled `Dog Patch', and a dot matrix printer barfed out stacks of papers telling someone which plant needed to be retrieved where.

I spotted several zones I didn't especially care for. The Pixar zone, especially the one with talking inanimate objects (i.e. Cars, Planes, Toy Stories, and, about to hit theaters next month, talking plumbing equipment. I kid you not.

Through a bank of CCTV monitors, I could see every plot of land. It was daylight outside, which confused me, because all the clocks in the factory said midnight, and the building was mostly quiet and dark.

Each tract of land looked identical, row upon row of cabbages, where you couldn't even see what lay beneath the leaves.

It was Chad that discovered the red plastic boxes.

You know how, in all those action movies, the vehicles and atomic weapons always have some spot on the console where there's a little red plastic cover you flip back to reveal the seat ejector or the rocket launcher?

Vlasic had "E-Raze" buttons.

It was kind of like Battleship. You just picked A-12 and flipped the corresponding switch.

In case you're wondering, A-12 was actually the zone for Cars and Timmy the Toilet.

Okay, so they were doodles, and they were digital, so I didn't feel quite so bad about wiping out a few dozen of them as I could have about real babies. In fact, I even giggled a little when I flipped the switch and saw all the lights in that zone go out.

A loud robotic voice said, "E-Razing Sector A-12," and a weird thrumming sound echoed all over the plant.

"Oops!"

A security camera showed the result: One of those spaceships from the 1953 version of War of the Worlds suddenly dropped out of the sky, blasting the patch to blackened stubble. It seems, in Cool World, they do everything with style.

The machine laid down sod like a roll of carpet, and I got prompted to assign a new designation for that region.

I could have gotten really clever and creative. I really, really wanted to. But I knew that the flying lamp ships would be back for my seed if I named it anything other than `Pixar - Inanimate.'

I only eliminated the digital stuff. It was harder to figure out where the cousins of Spongebob, Dexter's Lab, or Fairly Oddparents were located, so I left them alone.

Chad grabbed our potted baby, and we hurried out to the production floor.

We stopped there for a moment, because I had very carefully selected a bunch of baby doodles I wanted to destroy.

After searching around the premises for a few moments, I found a disposal chute, and we rolled the heavy cart up to it, dumping its contents by means of a metal slot you opened from the bottom.

As I peered down the chute, trying to see whether it contained an incinerator or a garbage disposal, I heard Chad saying, "I think Nurse Cupcake is trying to get out."

"So?" I said. "She's probably been doing that for about ten to twenty minutes, maybe less, depending on whenever she got sick of peeing herself and giving herself spankings."

He gulped. "Does it trouble you that she has a saw?"

I frowned when I saw a blade slowly grinding through the Board of Directors.

So. Just run out the front door. Easy, right?"

Not quite. You see, when I had turned all the clocks ahead in the factory, logically it only affected the factory, and maybe buildings connected to the factory, like, say, the synagogue.

Someone somewhere along the line must have said, "You know, it's awfully sunny for twelve in the morning on a Saturday morning," and then, maybe some rabbit or another calls the head of Vlasic Synagogue:

"Hey, Ephraim! Let's go play golf. It's a lovely day!"

To which the other says, "What, are you nuts? It's Shabbat! Call me tomorrow."

And the other guy says, "Wait. You're calling me nuts? It's Tuesday!"

So then the factory workers, red with embarrassment, hurried back to the plant.

Although the storks and birds seemed to be a push over, I didn't want to press my luck with a whole gaggle.

And then Officer Harris came in, waving his badge. I had to get out of there!

I searched back and forth for a way out.

"Is there any way we can use that pill conveyor to get outside?" I asked Chad.

"Not unless we turn really small."

I glanced at the chute, then glanced again.

Then an honest to goodness cartoon light bulb popped up above my head. "Chad, remember how that guy in the office was saying how they couldn't have an oven, and not use the `A word'?"

He shrugged. "I...guess? Why."

"So...That means that this refuse chute cannot possibly be harmful."

"I...am not sure I like where this is going."

"Would it help if I gave you a Scooby Snack?" I teased.

He seemed unimpressed. "No?"

"How about we go back to your place and blow out the windows again?"

That seemed to work, for a second later, he was dropping the potted baby down the chute and jumping down after it.

Okay. My idea, so I had to do it too.

It was a little claustrophobic, but I hopped in, and...

We dropped down a slide. A big chrome tube that zipped around in a spiral. It even had little windows here and there where you could look outside at a wall of rocks.

And then, all of a sudden, we hit the end, and we tumbled down a mine shaft. A weird mine shaft.

Remember that scene from Alice in Wonderland where she falls down the rabbit hole? This was kind of similar.

My rate of descent slowed like I'd reached the exact center of the earth, and I began to see shelves and cabinets along the limestone and granite walls.

I always thought that Alice should have ransacked those cabinets, tried to open more and see what was in there.

And so I did what I first contemplated while smoking a joint on the Teacup Ride at Disneyland.

Mostly I found a bunch of dishes. I did not find marmalade, but I never liked the taste of that junk anyway.

I wasn't sure who made use of the place, but the cabinets all faced me, so I guessed it couldn't be Hammerspace.

The books all had uninteresting titles, like The History of Silt and The Real America by Rush Limbaugh, and when I opened them, I found every page blank.

Being an artist, I kept one for a sketchbook (Turbotax for Dummies, to be precise), stuffing it into my bikini top, which had become rather roomy ever since I turned eighty percent animated.

Looking up, I could see nothing but inky darkness. It didn't look like anyone could just fly out the top and join Alice's Victorian petticoat crowd for tea.

On the whole, the place didn't thrill me as much as I expected. I found one of those tall red toolbox things men keep in their garages, and an underwear drawer containing whitey tighties, condoms, and a copy of Rough Rodent Magazine (the females were all slender and wasp waisted. How rough is that?) I did, however, find a gun, so I pocketed (or rather, bikinied) that.

Chemistry set, more blank books, and a cabinet full of little porcelain figures. Nothing really worth my time. Maybe Alice was right to be bored, after all.

Below me I saw Chad, clutching the potted baby. I folded my arms and legs together, diving to his level. "See? It's not so bad."

He tried to kiss me, but I dove below.

The cabinets and shelves disappeared after a few feet. A second later, we splashed down in an underground sea.

As paint, the water didn't feel as cold as I expected. We washed up on a gravelly shore in a cavern scattered with all the babies we'd dumped. All still very much alive.

So that was a pointless exercise.

At least our baby was okay. The pot still seemed to contain soil. I just hoped it didn't matter if you over watered.

As we stared at our surroundings, trying to figure out how to return to the surface, I saw a figure in an exoskeleton bikini marching out of a corridor framed by giant stalagmites. She smiled when she approached.

"Miss Terious," I said. "We meet again."

She nodded. "I've been watching your progress. Very resourceful. Very clever."

She gave my boyfriend a smile. "Chad..."

He looked a bit embarrassed. "Hi."

The female stared at the babies I'd brought down. "Oh, and look at all these Grade A specimens! These should make terrific slaves!"

"I completely agree. I think it would make them more...interesting. As they were, I'm pretty sure they would have made for lousy television."

Then I frowned. "You don't kill or destroy all these babies that get dropped down here, do you?"

The alien shook her head. "Why waste such an amazing labor force?"

"Why indeed. I'm definitely impressed."

Miss Terious rubbed her chin. "You know, I've been looking for an intern for a department that just opened up. I think a woman with your skills would be exactly what my company needs."

I giggled. "You want me to work for you?"

She stared at me. "That's funny. I've never heard that phrased without a stress on either the `me' or the `you.'"

This made me grin. "That's...because...I'm kinda interested."

"In that case. Come with me. We have much to discuss."

I followed the strange lady through a massive underground fortress that reminded me of something from a James Bond movie, except it was staffed by cool cartoon characters that nobody in the studios wanted to show on film. Lots of freakish mutants, midgets, goblins and erotic animal characters of both sexes.

Most of them appeared to be assembling weapons, missiles, biological agents, that sort of thing...

"I run an international business, with aims at expansion," Miss Terious said.

"So you're an evil mastermind."

She scowled at me. "If you're going to be rude, I can escort you out right now."

"No, no," I said with a laugh. "It's cool. I've always been fascinated by villains."

She looked at me like I were insane. "You're actually serious."

I shrugged.

Suddenly, a plate of chitinous armor or whatever dropped over her eyes, and she screamed, "I'm not a villain! I'm the benevolent queen of the Zorbatronian empire!"

I had to fight down a laugh, covering my mouth. "Sorry. You're right. It was presumptuous of me. Still, if you were a villain (which you are obviously not), I would still think you're pretty cool."

Miss Terious raised her face plate. "You really think so?"

"You don't see me sabotaging your stuff, do you?"

The alien smirked. "I just thought that was because you didn't want to become shark food."

"No, no. To actually have enough money to own and maintain nuclear warheads, and actually have an agenda other than expanding the reach of Islam..."

Judging by the expression on her face, she apparently didn't know what I was talking about.

Not wanting to spoil a good thing, I just said, "It's a sexist thing they do in certain Arabian countries, like belly dancing or trading a woman for a herd of sheep."

This made her look troubled, but she didn't say anything in reply to this. Instead, she glanced at the potted baby in my boyfriend's hands. "What's that you've got there?"

"Our baby."

She frowned. "Oh. That's right. I saw that with my spy drones."

I chuckled. "So you've been spying on me."

"You have to entertain yourself somehow."

I briefly wondered if she'd been spying on me and Chad in the bedroom, but I liked this lady, so I didn't want to step on her toes again.

Miss Terious smirked at my boyfriend. "I'm pleased to see that you've finally found someone. I was starting to wonder about you."

She reached for the pot. "May I?"

I and Chad eyed her nervously.

"Why?" I asked, tensing up.

"I have incubators and special machinery. I can get this child to sprout a lot quicker than it would up top."

Chad and I glanced at each other, both of us a little uncertain.

Should I let a shifty villainess meddle with my baby?

But then again, did I really want storks to meddle with it? Especially now that I've tampered with everything in the facility? "Are you going to make him grow another head? Or shoot laser beams from his eyes?"

Miss Terious looked confused. "Did you...want me to?"

I shook my head. "Not really. What about making my baby into a brainless musclebound henchman? Was that on the agenda?"

"Again, are you asking me to?"

"No..."

"Please relax, Jessica. I only wish to help your baby."

For a moment, I wondered how she got my name, but then I remembered we'd been introduced when I first visited Chad's apartment.

I kept looking at my boyfriend, but he didn't say anything.

"If you want to be my intern," Miss Terious said. "You're going to have to take some risks, and trust me."

I nodded to Chad, and he handed the woman our `baby plant'.

She pushed a button on the wall, and her butler, clad in a helmet-less Star Wars stormtrooper outfit, marched out of one of the rooms. "Mmyes?"

Miss Terious handed the pot to him. "Place this in the Flux Nursery. Lowest setting."

"Yes, ma'am."

Of course we had to see what he was doing.

We got led down a long angular corridor with windows and doors leading to various operations, such as a special school that taught young cartoon characters how to be henchmen and hench women, how to fight ineffectively, how to add, subtract and read instructions on death weapons, chemistry and genetics. For a moment, I put serious thought into enrolling my baby in the place, once he or she were full grown.

Past this school, and a lab for prototype deeply flawed villain weapons, I came to the nursery.

It looked like a greenhouse, except, being in a cavern, they had to use electric lighting. The entire area was one big cabbage patch.

I stared at all the plants. "Wow. Let me guess. You guys make your own genetics, make seeds, and plant them like they do up top."

Miss Terious shook her head.

"Um, you have a guy on the inside that messes with the genetics and sneaks the seeds down."

"Actually, we have a contract with them. If they have a suspicious or villainous looking seed, it goes straight down here."

"What!" I cried. "That's crazy!"

"Why. Villains have sex, too. Imagine them seeing a brightly colored stork delivering their baby. They'd probably shoot it out of the sky!"

That revelation astounded me. "So...you're like the opposite of a stork?"

She shrugged. "My ambitions are a bit loftier than that. The baby delivering business just pays for the overhead."

The pieces were starting to fit together. "Wait. Are you...trying to dump your baby business on me so you can go conquer the world?"

Miss Terious smiled. "It's a little more complicated than that, but I have to admit it is part of your job description as an intern. We have to keep the lights and other utilities on somehow..."

I rolled my eyes, but decided not to argue, since I figured my intelligence alone would be enough to move me up the ranks. There were several things I'd seen so far that needed to be improved to thwart superheroes, innovations that would likely secure my place as a valuable antihero. "Fine. Guess you got to start out somewhere, huh?"

"Exactly."

"I thought you wanted to be Holli Would!" Chad said.

I replied, "Well, this is cool too. Plus I can always put this on my resume when I finally have a talk with her."

"I have a few things of my own that might help you on that end," said Miss Terious. "Though I hope you will still consider remaining on staff, once we have you properly trained. Training is expensive, you know."

She led me down a row of cabbages. "You can imagine, with me stuck in my binding contract, how delighted I was to see you mucking up the Vlasic machinery. I personally am not allowed up there. Any sabotage to the process, and they would void my contract. With you, I have an airtight alibi. I did not know you intended to take over the factory, so I have plausible deniability."

"Uh, no problem," I said.

We followed Sleez to a set of cylindrical machines at the rear of the greenhouse. The things almost looked like giant blenders.

I watched with discomfort as the butler opened one, carelessly dumping my seed and its dirt into a bucket on the bottom of the machine. He closed the cylinder tight, turning a dial.

What followed reminded me of a washing machine cycle. It rained, a plant light came on, and various other things bombarded the seed, including classical music.

As I watched this, I suddenly noticed that the other machines were empty. I brought this to Miss Terious's attention.

"Oh? Well, I haven't had much of a reason, as of late, to rapidly assemble an army. You know, most individuals, such as myself, are in no rush to have a child, so the gradual method is just as good. Some argue that it's actually better for them to grow the old fashioned way, but honestly, it's a matter of taste rather than actual science."

"Yeah, I really don't think science has much to do with storks and cabbage patches."

The seed didn't do anything for about ten minutes.

"The process is fast," Miss Terious said. "But not that fast. General turnaround is about six hours."

"Kind of like a Thanksgiving turkey."

She nodded. "While we wait on that, I'd like to show you something else."

She led me past a torture chamber, to a large white soundproofed room containing a giant black orb on a pedestal.

The orb had five holes all around, a glowing spike in its center causing the object to thrum and make strange noises.

"Wow," I said. "What's that?"

"It's called The Ultraspike. Tell me, Jessica. How much do you know about the Spikes of Power?"

"A lot," I said.

"Excellent! As you can see, the Ultraspike contains only one Spike of Power. One of your jobs, as an intern, will be to retrieve the other five Spikes."

"Um...What will it do when I get them all together?"

"Do you remember that little incident when that one little Spike was removed from its place last time?"

I frowned. "Did that have something to do with all of Las Vegas turning animated?"

Miss Terious laughed. "So that's what it did in your world. How very interesting."

"What did it do to yours?"

She gestured like it were of little consequence. "Oh, nothing much. A lot of doodles escaped into your world, including ghosts and beings from the ethereal plane, energy powers intensified, new powers were created out of the instability of the two realities, doodles began to develop complicated sensations and feelings...it was really too bad that it didn't last longer. I wanted to study it further."

"But by doing this, we could turn the whole world into a big cartoon."

"Would that be so bad?"

I didn't even think about it. I just blurted, "Hell no. I think it would be an improvement."