DREW

[0000]

"Even I'm not that crazy," Harris said, seemingly unprovoked.

I stared in bafflement. "Excuse me?"

The officer blew a smoke ring. "That was the smartest thing your father ever said to me. I asked him if he drew me, like he claimed to draw everything in Cool World, and he said..."

He smoked, and puffed out a Felix the Cat shaped cloud. "I initially got angry at him, because I took it at face value, but, probably unknown to him, he was actually hinting at a deeper truth..."

I blinked at him several times, not believing what I was hearing. "So now dad's your guru?"

He suddenly broke into a fit, whether it was coughing or laughing I wasn't sure. "Oh God no." He caught his breath. "But even a bad oyster occasionally barfs out a pearl."

He inhaled deeper. "Your dad wasn't just saying he wasn't my creator. He was making an existential statement, and at the core, he was hinting at the reason why Buddhism is a load of horse shit.

"Let's say I was in a war. Maybe the Second World War. Now let's say the Germans are firing at me.

"But no, wait. The Germans were me in a past life, because in actuality everyone on the planet is part of God, meaning that I personally am God. Now why the hell would I want to put on a gray helmet and shoot myself? And why are there millions of copies of me also all shooting at other versions of myself? That, my friend, is bullshit, because I am not God, and you'd have to be insane for that to even work. It's just a lot of meaningless bloodshed for nothing.

"And so, your sleaze bucket of a father hit the nail on the head. `Even I'm not that crazy.' The world is full of pain and death, and it's ludicrous to imagine myself as the culprit for all of it."

I just stared at him. "Uh, gee. Thanks for sharing."

He clicked his teeth. "Don't mention it."

So that was it. If Extra were to be rescued, I'd have to do it myself.

But how?

A phone would have been nice, but I didn't know Amanda's number, and my pockets kept giving me rubbish like an Acme Looniversity Flag, an Ecto Trap or a bikini bunny magazine with an accordion folded centerfold picture, so I couldn't even call Dane.

When I got outside, I just stood on the corner, staring blankly, depressed by inability to aid my little friend.

That was when I realized I was being haunted.

You see, if you blast a person with a Go Go Ghostblaster, they become a ghost, so Sam and Max now floated around me, looking very transparent, and very pissed off, and I had made the mistake of tossing my Ecto Trap on the floor inside the police station.

"Guys," I said. "It was the mouse. I had nothing to do with it."

They didn't speak, they just hovered in the air, frowning at me. Honestly, I liked them better this way. Of course, they still weren't much help.

It looked like I would have to hoof it back...anywhere.

I wandered down the sidewalk a bit, staring at the storefront across the street.

Hoof.

Hoofnagels.

The ice cream shop was right across the intersection.

Mr. H obviously knew something about Amanda. I could only hope this included a means to contact her, so I could get a lift. The only problem was the Empty Busy Street.

I was mildly screwed. The only thing I could think to do was dig in my pockets for my phone...or maybe a car.

"Hey. Gramps."

When I got no reply, I said, "Mac Daddy."

No Beak popped out of my dress.

"You're a Hammerspace guru, aren't you?"

"I know some things..." he said. "But it's been awhile."

"I was able to turn noid and pull out a set of keys earlier. Can you figure out some way to bypass these cartoon clothes and pull out my cel phone?"

"Are you able to turn noid right now?"

After thinking it over a minute, I decided that, if thinking about inane brainless songs made me animated, I could probably de-animate by doing the reverse.

So I thought about work, and how that answering machine message I left probably would get deleted or ignored, and I'd either be fired or written up for a no-call-no-show.

That kind of helped, but not enough to fix my pockets.

I opened a couple trash cans, hoping to find the Inspector Gadget tunnel, but the only one I could find was leading off in the wrong direction, and when I tried picking it up and moving it, my alligator friend gave me a French kiss, tugging at my clothing until I shoved her back in the can.

I was kind of proud that I was, in fact, able to shove something that large back down there.

I sighed, frowning at my beakless friend.

"C'mon, MD. Surely you can find something in my pockets to help me across that dangerous intersection!"

With a shrug, he dove into my dress, coming back out a second later with a powdered wig and a button coat in the style of George Washington.

I took the items, staring at them with skepticism. "And this is going to help me how?"

"All doodles are temporarily invulnerable during musical performances. This includes the Seemingly Empty Busy Street."

"Are you sure? Because in my world, singing while crossing traffic was what got me hit by cars."

"Things work differently here."

"I don't know how to play," I said. "And furthermore I don't have any instruments."

"That hasn't stopped anyone before."

"You're serious," I said. "Just, what. Pantomime playing something?"

MD nodded.

He dropped the wig on my head. "Perhaps you can play something...patriotic?"

With a sigh, I put on the presidential coat and acted like I were playing the piccolo, whistling Yankee Doodle with my mouth as I stepped onto the street.

It actually worked. I even thought I heard drums in the background. When my whistle got dry, Daddy Mack flew in to carry the notes. I was rather shocked to find my feet settling on the opposite sidewalk.

When I pushed open the door to Hoofnagel's, I turned into a long legged white bird with a long beak and a tricorn hat, possibly out of Drinky Crow.

I took off my coat, but only after discovering that it contained my keys, wallet, and cel phone. I decided to hold onto it and just ditch the wig and the hat.

The place was empty except for Mr. H and a blue bird in scrubs, the latter in a booth, weeping into a milkshake.

Puzzled, I seated myself across from her and just stared. I'd seen a lot of weird things in this place, but this was a little off the wall, and kind of disturbing. "What's wrong?"

"Oh, it's nothing," she said with a sniffle. "I just aborted a bunch of babies."

She started crying again. "I never did that before. I never would have done it at all if that evil noid hadn't polluted all our..."

She sprayed tears at me. "It wasn't natural, sleeping with a doodle, and by splicing those genetics of hers with our whole stock, she pretty much slept with everyone! Was I just supposed to accept that as normal and shove them down the line?"

I frowned. "Uh, gee. I...don't know."

Hearing a door chime, I turned around, thinking it was going to be Amanda or something. I saw Me Too, Me Too Iguana waddling in.

"Hi, Mr. H," he said to the goat at the counter. "Have you seen Cupcake come in here? I've been looking all over."

Hoofnagel pointed a hoof to our table.

As the lizard waddled up to us, I turned real. His jaw dropped in astonishment when he saw me. "I heard you were upset about this, but no need to get drastic!"

The bird blushed. "Oh no no no! This isn't what it looks like!"

Me Too Me Too didn't believe her. "Of course it isn't. Wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more!"

The bird turned red with anger. "Did you come here just to insult me?"

"No," said the lizard. "I came to tell you that I tampered with the LTA machines. All of them."

"What!" Cupcake cried in outrage.

Me Too swallowed and nodded. "You see, they don't actually kill babies. Two of the chutes go down to Miss Terious's lair..."

The bird's face turned even redder. "And where do the other two go."

He gulped again. "I'm not sure you've heard of it. It's a place called "The Small World Ride" in a "Disney Theme Park."

I raised an eyebrow, wondering if hundreds of mutant half human cartoon characters pouring into niches behind those annoying little singing dolls would improve the ride.

The bird fainted, disappearing beneath the table.

"So the story about there being a portal to Disneyland isn't just bullshit?" I said.

"I don't know," said the iguana. "Some weird things have been going in and out of Cool World lately. I've heard rumors about a real office building appearing in the middle of town...full of noids like you!"

I gawked at him. "Run that by me again?"