Okay. In my defense, I was a female animated rodent when I kissed Sneezer. In addition to giving me Kung Fu powers, I guess it gave me estrogen or something. I quickly caught myself and pushed him back.

"Whoa, whoa!" I cried. "That's enough!"

The mouse gave me a mischievous smile. "Are you telling that to me, or yourself?"

I blushed, something that's a lot more difficult to hide when you're a doodle.

"Um, a little of both?" I said in an embarrassed squeak.

Sneezer chuckled softly, Valentine hearts popping out of his body.

"The floating guy said I wouldn't like it," I muttered.

My form remained the way it was, like it had gotten stuck that way. I felt a stab of fear.

I had no desire to live forever as a doodle, especially a female one.

...With a perverted creep of a boyfriend.

Dane was staring at me, open mouthed. "Wow. This is so weird!"

"Tell me about it," Riffraff said with one paw on her jeans. "I'm getting sexually confused."

"Is that why your paw is on my butt?"

Looking embarrassed, he quickly took his paw away.

"You did it!" Amanda cheered, hugging me. "I knew you could!"

"Master has a big heart," Extra agreed.

"Yeah," Sneezer breathed, wrapping his arms around me. "She does."

I swallowed. "It's not that big."

I pushed him away, hiding behind my sister.

I cleared my throat. "We should get out of here. We don't know what kind of bastard is going to come crawling out of the woodwork next."

Amanda punched me in the gut.

"Hey!" I said. "What the hell's that for?"

"Let's pray you won't get to find out."

On cue, I saw a swarm of termites scuttling out of one of those giant felled trees.

They just kept coming, pouring off the log, onto the floor, in a ...suspiciously symmetrical pattern. The gods of irony at work.

"You're right," I said. "I don't want to find out. We did our good turn for the day. Let's go."

I threw the door open, ushering Amanda, Sneezer and Riffraff out, but Dane lingered among the wreckage.

"C'mon!" I cried.

Dane looked at me like I were nuts. "Aren't you the least bit curious?"

"Yes," I admitted. "But not that damn curious. I almost got killed by a rabbit. If I face any more shit today, I'll really be dead. Let's go."

She nodded, but then pointed at the bugs. "Look! They're forming a boot!"

I did a double take. I saw the bugs actually assembling themselves into boot formation.

"If that's the boot," I said. "I don't want to see the feet."

Dane frowned, marching outside.

I waved my feathered friends on to freedom, rushing away from there.

The sky was clear. The rain of bowler hat people had passed, much to my relief.

All of a sudden, I found myself in a blizzard-like cloud of feathers, like I was in the middle of a huge pillow fight. All the birds in the entire factory, all nuzzling me at once. I couldn't even see for a moment. My dress felt like one of those vibrating beds.

And then I rose up in the air. I guess the birds wanted to give me a lift.

It wasn't just me. I saw Dane, Amanda, Sneezer, and even Riffraff flying up with me.

I glanced at my hand, did a double take. It was now covered in brown feathers. I had also grown a beak and bird legs.

Kind of like Cupcake, but modeled after a robin.

Humanoid.

Male.

Would these transformations stabilize over time?

Did I want them to stabilize?

Were the floating guys writing me into another romance? Like the one with Sneezer?

Did they write that one? Or was it all me?

I didn't know which would be worse, me...changing teams, or them making me change teams.

Was this bird thing an alternative to Sneezer Hell? Or was this just some sort of costume like the French maid?

When I glanced over at Dane, I noticed she had on something that looked like the Carnival costume from the movie Rio. It was cute, but I sincerely hoped the floating guys weren't trying to pair us up.

Amanda still wore her bunny costume, but now it had a feathered cape and a beak like those guys in that Battle of the Planets cartoon. She could almost pass for that sorceress that lounges around in Castle Grayskull.

Sneezer got a handsome Hawkman-esque costume and Riffraff ended up in...a chicken suit.

The birds carried us over the building, peppering the rooftop with generous amounts of droppings.

In response to the bombardment, the human raindrop destroying laser cannons popped out of the roof, blasting bursts of energy at the flock.

The birds, despite their long captivity, could fly with the expert maneuvering of jet fighter pilots. Not one of them got hit. In seconds, we were out of there, soaring past the smoggy smokestacks of the Acme factory.

I briefly wondered what would become of the Owlmobile, but decided that anyone who stole it would be worse off for the theft.

We kept going. We passed over a few smaller factories, then a picturesque suburban metropolis. The kind that always contains at least one depressed computer generated kid with a broken home with a deep longing that can only be filled by some ridiculous father substitute, be it a robot, the Easter bunny, or a talking dog with Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Pixarland.

I actually could see at least two houses on every street where a little girl or little boy paused to sigh as they pushed open their front door, or stepped out to the bus. `I have it so rough.'

Shut up. Your dad didn't go to state prison for manslaughter.

The birds flew on.

"Um, Extra?" I called.

The yellow bird flapped closer to me. "Yes, master?"

"Extra, where the hell are we going?"

"You are a great hero to our people!" he said. "We only wish to take you home, to properly thank you!"

"Home," I repeated.

"Yes, master. Home."

So that's how they get there.

What I didn't know was, how would I get home?

The suburb ended, and we flew over a forest, pretty as a painting.

Okay, so it technically was a painting.

The birds, of course, had been chatting up a storm, talking about what they'd do when they got home, catching up on their old lives, conversing about Miss Terious and her henchmen, both what bad things they did and the stupid embarrassing things they did when they thought no one was looking. They mostly made plans, where to get replacement beaks and building up the Bird Military. The topics went all over the place.

It seemed many really weren't that fond of singing. They just did that out of fear.

But others enjoyed it, as long as they could sing what they wanted, when they wanted.

A starling broke into a rendition of Beefheart's Bat Chain Puller but they got shushed, in respect to me.

The trees grew taller and taller, twining together to form the scary kind of forest you see in serious parts of old Disney cartoons. Some of the trees had faces on them that stared at us as we passed by.

And then we reached a clearing, with a shimmering bubbling brook and fields full of daisies and buttercups, where stereotypically cute bunny rabbits hopped around and nibbled plants. One of them had a calculator. If you've watched a few cartoons, you know where that gag was heading.

In the center of this Bambi style backdrop, there stood a massive oak tree, in whose branches stood a gigantic spherical nest.

This was no ordinary nest. This was a palace made to look like a nest.

The branches around the palace swarmed with thousands of animated birds of every species, including penguins, for some illogical reason.

They nested in the front of the palace, because the front consisted of nothing but thousands of artfully twisting branches shaped into cubbyholes and burrows.

We swooped down through a gate made of beautifully twisted branches, and it was like we were in that magical tree castle from that one Narnia movie. A big cathedral-like place with a barrel vaulted bent wood ceiling, and arcades made of tree branches, one arcade actually leading to a video arcade.

All around us were the sounds of joyous reunions, happy chirping and chattering.

The birds deposited us on the floor, and we wandered ahead, marveling at all the strange sorts of architectural features that didn't require any tools.

In every place where the walls, ceiling and floor were not covered in bent wood, the birds had stuffed every type of shiny piece of trash, from soda cans to hubcaps to tinsel.

To be fair, the trash looked good the way the framed and hung it. They had scrubbed it clean of food residue and grit. It sparkled. I suppose you could call it recycling.

Birds gathered around us, bowing before us, like peasants saluting royalty as we wandered down the center aisle, toward an apse-like structure at the far end.

Dane giggled as a pair of pigeons nested on her shoulders, rubbing against her neck.

"You guys!" she cried. "All I did was free you from that little holding cell! It's okay!"

That actually caused more to lavish their affection on her.

I was covered with them too. In fact, we all looked like a group of moving perches.

When we reached the dome at the end of the passage, I heard a loud, oddly familiar female voice call out, "Welcome Honored Heroes, to the Bird Palace! Capitol of the Bird Kingdom!"

The voice reverberated through the building, sounding rather impressive and intimidating.

A mass of birds noisily flapped down from a hole in the dome, bearing an elaborate throne, upon which sat a very familiar looking bluebird in a fancy royal gown.

"On behalf of all birdkind," she said. "I offer my most sincere thanks for your rescue of my dear subjects from the tyranny of the wicked and cruel master Miss Terious. Where is the brave and selfless hero who masterminded this operation? Send him forward so I may...reward him for his valiant efforts."

I stared at her, unsure if I wanted to volunteer myself.

Extra got behind my back, pushing me forward. "He is here, your majesty."

Although they had given me a bird costume, I was back in my human form now.

As I approached the throne, I became convinced that I recognized her, unless this were like one of those cartoons about the identical twins. "Auditor Cupcake?"

She frowned, her eyes widening in apparent horror. "Oh my God. You're that man from the soda shop!"

And then she pooped herself.

"Sorry." She cleared her throat like she just hadn't made a number two. "As reward for your valiant efforts, I bestow upon you the honor of Consort. (Or Royal Concubine, if you prefer)."

"What!" I cried. "No!"

"It is too late!" she continued. "I can't say I exactly like it myself (too much), but I have sworn a Bird Oath, saying that the first man, woman or thing that rescues my oppressed people from the yoke of Miss Terious's oppression will be the honored recipient of my royal love, for so long as we both shall live."

"Um," I stammered. "I really appreciate the honor, but...I'm sorry. I can't."

I glanced nervously at Sneezer, then Amanda, thought about saying, "I'm taken," but didn't want to give either party the wrong idea, so I just repeated, "I can't."

"I'm afraid that's all I have to offer you. My people are not wealthy, and the Bird Video Games cannot be removed from the arcade. We have no reward to give you..." Cupcake spread her legs, smoothing the fabric of her dress between them. "...Other than my affection."

"How about a kookoo clock?" Riffraff asked.

Instantly, more than a hundred scowling beaks surrounded him.

"Take him to the dungeon!" Cupcake shouted, pointing her finger at him.

A flock of seagulls, and the band members from Flock of Seagulls flew down from one of the arcades, dragging Riffraff away.

"I'm sorry!" he shouted. "It was only a joke!"

Still, they carried him away.

I shrugged indifferently. That's one way to end my year of slavery, I thought.

"Riffy!" Dane cried, looking outraged and upset.

Clenching her fists, she faced the queen and shouted, "Make that two kookoo clocks!"

And the seagulls dragged her away as well.

I snickered a little, grinning at Amanda.

My sister didn't look amused.

"What? At least Riff's in good company."

"Drew," Amanda said. "You should do something."

"What?" I said. "It's a dungeon. Run by birds. I think they'll be okay."

"He's right," Cupcake said. "It's a very nice dungeon. It even has an X-Box. And on Shabbat, they will be released to attend service. If they choose."

"So." I said. "You swore? A Bird Oath? Saying you have to sleep with the guy that frees a bunch of birds?"

"Yes," she said. "A very solemn Bird Oath."

"Then take back your Bird Oath," I said.

I leaned closer, whispering, "I won't tell anybody. I promise."

"I'm sorry," she said. "Once a Bird Oath is spoken, it cannot be revoked."

"You're the queen of all birds," I said. "Shouldn't that entitle you to some privilege?"

"Yes..." she said, acting as if she didn't know where this was going.

"Then...use your royal privilege to revoke the Bird Oath."

"Um..." She paused, as if in thought. "No."

"Don't you work at a baby farm?" I said, hoping for an excuse, any excuse, to sneak away.

She smiled. "Yes, but I have eight thousand hours of PTO."

Damn.

Extra had been flying away from me for awhile, but now he once again graced my presence, landing on my shoulder. "This is a great honor, master! Many birds would give anything to enjoy such intimacy with our queen!"

"Then why don't you take care of it?" I challenged.

Extra blushed. "No. I would not deprive you of this great honor."

I got up, taking him to the side of the room.

"I really don't like her," I whispered. "You can take her if you want."

"I don't like her either, master," he whispered back. "She poops on herself."

I groaned. "I think we're in agreement on that one, Extra."

"I am sorry for you, but I am also proud to have you as my master."

The queen stood up from her throne. "Now. Would you care for something to eat, or should I just...show you to your rooms?"

"Food, please," I said.

A group of puffins opened the floor, and we took an elaborate wood staircase down to a banquet hall, a nice groin vaulted structure crafted from curving branches. A long table of a similar style stood in the center, surrounded by filigreed wood chairs that couldn't move on account of them being part of the floor.

The walls, of course, were covered in shiny scrap, interspersed here and there with pictures of previous rulers, like the King Fisher, The Raven King and Emperor Penguin.

Naturally, I had the seat of honor, next to the queen.

I pointed to the furniture. "These are neat. Who made them?"

"My subjects," she said. "You must understand that we do not hate woodworking. Some actually love it. But when someone forces them to do it all day and all night, with no Shabbat..."

"Um, okay..." I said with a frown.

The meal was literally for the birds. Suet cakes, bugs, seeds, that kind of thing.

Amanda took a few handfuls of lumpy purple caterpillars, gulping them down. "Slimy, yet satisfying."

I rolled my eyes. "In real life, grubs aren't nearly as pretty as what they show in cartoons."

Amanda swallowed another. "And that's a bad thing?"

I tried a suet cake, and it tasted like a plain rice cake. I pretended like it was a Rice Crispy Treat and it was tolerable.

"So," I said after that unsatisfying morsel. "What else do you guys normally do around here?"

Cupcake shrugged. "Oh, I don't know. We sing, we fly, we go to work, we make love..."

She was a subtle one, all right.

"I...think I'll go to work now." I said.

Queen Cupcake leapt to her feet, grinning ear to ear.

"Very well! I shall take you...to your work."

I rolled my eyes. "Why do I get the suspicion that `my work' involves the Royal Bed?"

Cupcake grinned. "So we're on the same page! Excellent!"

I cast Amanda a pleading look. "Help?"

She only shrugged.

"Can I watch?" Sneezer asked.

"Yes!" the queen said.

"No," I snapped. "This isn't happening."

I rose to my feet. "Thank you, Queen Cupcake. We appreciate your hospitality, but we really must be going."

"But your reward!" she cried. "I simply must reward you!"

"Virtue is its own reward. Really." I turned into a Junior Woodchuck from Ducktales.

"A scout does at least one good turn daily, without asking for benefits or rewards."

"You're not seeking a reward," she said, poking my stomach. "You're getting one."

The fact that I was temporarily small and underaged didn't seem to matter to her.

Officer Harris was right. I was out of my depth.

I swallowed, hurrying to my sister's chair.

"C'mon, Amanda, Sneezer. Let's go find Dane and Riffraff and get out of here."

"But I want to watch bird sex!" Sneezer protested.

"I do too," said the queen. "That's why I have lots of mirrors. And a camera."

She took out a microphone, speaking into it. Her voice came out in booming echoes like before.

"Guards, please escort our hero to the Royal Bed Chamber."

"No!" I shouted.

"I'm sorry," Amanda said. "Drew is right. You can't have him. He's taken."

She pointed at Sneezer, who gave me an unsettling grin.

"Oh, I'm sure I can convince you to change sides, so to speak..."

"I'm not so sure about that, Miss Poopy Pants!" I said.

I tried to run up the stairs, but I found a pair of giant penguins, ducks in armor, and a Roc blocking my passage. A couple goony looking vultures dressed like medieval serfs pushed me back down, brandishing their spears.

I tried to turn into Karate Rat, but my breathing technique only resulted in me changing into a robin. I supposed that even being female wouldn't have solved the problem, for Cupcake seemed rather indiscriminate about that in her Bird Oath.

"Look here," I said. "I just saved a bunch of you guys. Can't you cut me a break and let me leave?"

"That would be ungrateful of us," said one of the owls I'd freed. "We simply have to reward you!"

"I'm liking this less and less."

Although I didn't quite agree with some of her methods, I was beginning to understand why Miss Terious did what she did with those birds.

"Let me go now!" I shouted. "Or I'll, I'll tell Miss Terious about this place and send her here to take you back!"

"You wouldn't do that, master!" Extra said. "You love birds!"

And then I was looking at a sea of pouty bird faces.

"Yeah!" they all cried.

"You really, really love birds," the owl said, adding insult to injury.

I winced.

When Amanda saw what was happening, she chortled through her nose. I guess she'd given up on the idea of sleeping with me, or something, or just found the idea amusing.

The vultures and ducks bullied me down a twig lined narrow passageway to one side of the banquet hall, and up a slanting ramp, to a set of iron double doors, throwing them open to reveal...a nest.

It looked like a queen bed with a canopy, but the bottom portion was like a robin's nest with a mattress stuffed into it.

The walls were all sparkly and reflective, mirrors from cars and other shiny stuff, with a full length mirror on the ceiling.

Sneezer, of course, followed me, looking all excited. I myself felt rather ill.

The guards pushed me through the threshold, and Cupcake slammed the doors shut behind us, sliding a metal bar across them, a bar that locked in place at both ends with padlocks.

She undid a few buttons on her dress, shrugged her shoulders, and it fell to the floor, leaving her standing there in a bra and a diaper.

I, of course, was back in my human state. I guess she didn't care about contamination anymore.

Sneezer pushed me forward. "Go get her, Drew!"