A/N: In the long-running series of, When Will This Author Update Existing Fics, I present another brainchild. You can blame my friends for finally persuading me to watch Hunter x Hunter.
High school felt so long ago, but she could remember a book she had read for a class. It had been about a soldier stuck in an outpost during wartime. The soldier never knew when he'd be sent out of the base to fight and possibly die, but ironically, the only way to be sent back home safely was to get shot in the foot or buttcheek during action. She likely misremembered the book's finer details, but the concept stayed with her.
In order to not fight and possibly die, the soldier had to fight and possibly die.
And here she was, sharing the soldier's fate.
She wasn't ashamed to admit that she feared death. She had already experienced it once. It had been before she had woken up in her body like she had never died, except the world around her had been different. That Bastard had told her that by default, she would die the same way again in this world, even if she led a peaceful, bubble-wrapped second life.
The nature of her death didn't matter. She wasn't special. Cancer, traffic accident, fatal robbery — in the rare event any deceased person didn't fully cross over, their death would catch up to them somehow, someway and finish the job.
That Bastard had decided that if she wanted to cross over without experiencing the same death again, she must pass a test hosted in her current world called a "hunter exam." When she had asked the locals about it, she had learned that by the test's nature, people died.
Ah, she remembered the book's title, now.
Catch-22.
In order to not possibly die, she had to possibly die.
X
She already regretted pursuing the exam. She had hopped onto the first wooden ship declaring its final destination as the exam location, and the trip had been tolerable up until Whale Island. Once the island's port had vanished from the horizon, however, a wall of black clouds and seas had ruthlessly slammed into the ship.
She had been puking her guts over the rails when a boatswain had kindly handed her a rope. The crew couldn't dissuade passengers from staying above deck during a storm, but they could provide a means of doing so safely.
It meant she was now honking over the rails, but with a rope tied around her waist and the ship's mast so she wouldn't fly overboard.
She wasn't going to possibly die. Her stomach just wished she would.
A scream and flash of colour split through her pity party.
Was that—?
"HELP ME!"
She hastily snatched a certain boatswain's ankle before the storm could swallow him. Gravity spun as her torso flew up and the rails slammed into her hips with a harsh rock of the ship.
"Katz!?" she shouted.
"I'm sorry!" the boatswain wailed.
He was hanging over the side of the ship like a monkey in a barrel. A few people stood on deck, but opposite of her where they wouldn't trip over her rope while they performed their duties. Now they were all regretting it, too far away to help. The choppy winds carried their voices — indecipherable, but likely along the lines of, "hold on!" or "idiots!"
Or both.
She wanted to believe she heard harried footsteps coming her way, but she could barely catch Katz's cries above the storm.
Then the rope snapped.
"NOOOO!"
A banshee scream pierced her ears like nails on a chalkboard as she and Katz dropped for the boiling black waters below. Her heart fell up into her throat. She was going to die. She distantly acknowledged the banshee scream was coming from her.
Regret overwhelmed her.
CLAP.
"I got you!"
She and Katz swung in the air as the ship violently rocked against them. A peek at her ankles revealed a monkey chain consisting of Katz, her, a little green boy, and two passengers farther up, bent over the rails. The little green boy innocently beamed up at her and Katz, and relief suddenly washed over her.
Seasickness already had her by the naval.
Weakness number two? Heights.
By the time everyone was retrieved over the rails and settled on the deck, she was crying.
The ship's captain awkwardly patted her on the back. "Sorry about the rope," he gruffly said. "My crew and I should have maintained it better. But hey, I can say as an exam instructor that you've passed the qualification round. Congratulations!"
She cried harder. "I'm never stepping foot on a ship again!"
X
They docked at a quietly industrial island. A forested mountain stood in the distance, but otherwise she spotted modern amenities everywhere.
She nearly kissed the ground.
Didn't, when she heard that the exam was located at the top of the mountain.
"We can't take the buses," the little green boy said.
A blonde, one of the passengers who had saved her life, frowned. "Are you sure you heard the captain correctly? The rest of us exam participants were told to head east."
She scrubbed her face. "Not all buses are heading into the city, right? There has to be one bus heading up the mountain."
Another passenger who had saved her life, a lanky guy in glasses, enthusiastically agreed.
There was not.
They ended up making their own little walking club. Membership size: 4. Qualifications: must be able to create a human monkey chain. Katz would have felt right at home.
Excitement gradually replaced her sorrow as the group walked. She had loved hiking in her first life. If she somehow passed another qualification test by simply trekking a mountain, her confidence levels would improve. Now that her seasickness was receding, she knew she needed a water bottle. Couldn't go hiking without one, after all.
She stopped the group to swing by a convenience store, but quickly returned.
"You don't have money!?"
She flustered. "W-Why do you think I'm taking this exam?"
Passing the hunter exam meant acquiring the equivalent of a work license, so far as she understood. The glasses guy in their party confirmed as much with a sympathetic nod.
"I see," he agreed. "A good neighbour would offer you money to buy a bottle of water. Someone like…Kurapika."
What was that? Pika…Pikachu?
The blonde sighed. "Leorio, just admit you're also broke."
"Ehe…."
"Wait, are you actually broke?"
The little green guy and the blonde both stared at the other half of their party, who stared back unashamedly.
They bought her a bottle of water with blondie's money.
The rest of their trek was uneventful. Mostly because they never ended up trekking the mountain. An old lady and a bunch of stagehands suddenly ambushed them with a variety show shtick on their way to the foot of the mountain, and a passenger from the ship who had been tailing them also joined in. He hopped out after answering just one question. It was a lot of whiplashes to experience in one minute.
The variety show challenge was apparently the second qualification round.
She hated this hunter exam.
The old lady dropped a morality question on them and expected an answer immediately. The crisis in question was along the lines of, "if Spider-Man had to choose between Mary Jane and a bus of children."
Screw this pop quiz. If she had to choose between doing math or saving this old lady from danger, she'd do math.
"L—"
"You can't!"
Kurapika cut her off. Or rather, cut her answer short as the blonde intercepted Leorio from attacking the old lady.
Water bottle buddies. She made sure to learn their names after they helped her stay hydrated. To that matter, she identified the little green guy as "Gon."
Gon was deep in thought while a party member tried to stop another member from committing homicide, while the last member watched.
It was wild.
"You pass this round," the old lady chuckled. A hidden door in one of the buildings around them suddenly opened to reveal a tunnel. It led to the mountaintop. "The answer was silence. Go forth, prospective hunters."
What the hell was a "hunter!?"
Who standardised these tests!?
X
After hiking the underside of a mountain instead of enjoying its surface, the group of four finally reached a cabin built at the peak. She didn't have time to enjoy the fresh air.
There was blood.
"Please…they took my wife!"
She hastily uncapped her water bottle and joined Leorio on the floor with the cabin owner, whose leg was bleeding profusely. Kurapika and Gon indicated they'd chase the abductors' trail through the surrounding woods. She detachedly heard them. First care classes from long ago were suddenly racing through her mind, and memories of war veteran podcasts clashed with her instincts.
"––Leorio."
"Ah, thanks."
Leorio took the offered plastic ring from her water bottle and threaded it with the cabin owner's bandana. She twisted a branch tied to the owner's leg by Leorio's necktie, and held the branch still as Leorio slipped the ring through it. They fastened the branch and ring to the man's leg with the bandana, completing a tourniquet. Her eyes darted about them all the while, catching nonexistent shapes in the cabin's shadows.
She should have cleared the rooms while Leorio attended to the owner's wounds, so that only one of them would have had their backs open. Instead, her instincts as a hiker had leapt up first at the sight of an injury.
No matter, she could make up for it now, with the owner's worst pain addressed. She told Leorio she'd check the cabin for more intruders just in case, and crept through the rooms. When she returned from clearing the cabin, Leorio had dressed all of the owner's wounds. The owner was now shakenly recounting the attack from a spot on his kitchen floor.
"Leorio, is he going to be alright?"
"Mr. Pine will be just fine, leg included." Leorio flashed a smile at the owner reassuringly and watched her shift in place. "What's up?"
They drifted to the doorway of another room.
"This cabin…."
"Is meant for four people," he quietly agreed.
She picked up a letter opener from a nearby table. Their gazes flicked to the owner lying on the kitchen floor, distracted by his wounds.
"You know," Leorio murmured. "I aim to be a doctor."
She nabbed a pen while she was at it.
"I plan to take an oath," Leorio continued. "…Plan to."
"The owner said he was attacked by 'kiriko' creatures," she remembered. "Kurapika said those are shapeshifters. Any chance they can shift into people, too?"
"Mr. Pine!" Leorio abruptly bellowed as he sauntered over to the owner with a grin. "After a close encounter with danger, I'd say you'd be ecstatic to see your children!"
Pine tentatively smiled back. "Ah, if only my wife and I were blessed with the fortune."
She hid behind Leorio, letter opener and pen in each hand.
Leorio's face darkened. "And yet, there are four sets of cutleries on your dining table at this very moment."
A tense silence followed, until the owner suddenly beamed up at them cheerfully. "Ha ha, you got me! My parents, sister, and I are actually instructors for the exam's third qualification round!"
Third…
…Qualification round!?
He had better be lying. He had better be a criminal grasping at straws to avoid confrontation. Otherwise, she'd feel like stabbing the owner's other leg.
"You both did well responding to a crisis," the owner continued. "Once my family returns with the rest of your party, we would be happy to fly all of you to the exam's true starting point. Hope you're not afraid of heights!"
X
The walking club of four was physically flown by winged furries to another corner of the island. The spot was mercifully modern, and Pine even led the four of them to the exam's location, which was apparently a restaurant.
About time.
After enduring consecutive, surprising ordeals, she was famished.
"Good luck!" Pine wished, and left them at an empty table in a vacant room. There wasn't even a menu.
Why would she need luck to order lunch? "Good luck" her foot. She didn't trust well wishes from instructors who could pull whatever the hell they wanted and slap "for science" or some such nonsense over it. The table was probably broken, the chef would probably get her order wrong, or the waiter would probably close their meal with a spontaneous test of patience.
"You won't sit down?" Gon asked her.
"No." The chairs could be rigged.
The three guys of the group shrugged and sat at the table, playing with the lazy suzy in the middle. They gabbed about their expectations for the hunter exam, what was required of a hunter, and what a hunter did. Despite listening to all of it, she still felt lost. While she didn't care for what she'd do after the hunter exam, she didn't expect to hear what her group said of licensed hunters.
According to Kurapika, they fought evil and…protected historical artefacts?
Leorio liked the fact that hunters could use public facilities for free and had…internet?
Meanwhile, the waiter never came as expected, but when the room suddenly shook, she jumped. The walking group of four sensed the closed room gently falling like an elevator, leading them to the exam location. When the room's doors dinged open, her last shred of logic fluttered away.
Beyond the room was the equivalent of a deep underground airplane runway. Light fixtures lined the dirt walls and curved ceiling, and despite the grand space, an assortment of suits, gypsies, and warriors crowded the tunnel from wall to wall. Without gaining height, she couldn't tell how far the crowd stretched. No one person looked or dressed sane. Numbered buttons were being passed around like party favours and the exam was a New Year's event.
She was in the right place.
"AAAAGGGGH!"
A man's arms burst into sprays of blood as he shouted in agony and collapsed lifelessly. The crowd bubbled around him but didn't edge close enough to help, or even to move the body. A clown in the crowd tutted about poor manners and vanished farther down the tunnel.
Holy crap, she was not in the right place. This was, in fact, the very opposite of "right." She should have left already.
A hand on her shoulder stopped her. "Woah there! I don't mean to stop you, but are you interested in a cola?"
A button-nosed man offered her a canned soda.
One: if he hadn't meant to stop her, then he wouldn't have touched her.
Two: she had a third weakness. Carbonated drinks gave her nausea.
Also, who on earth would accept a drink after witnessing a gruesome death!?
"Thanks."
It didn't mean she was without manners. When out and about, it was important for a lightweight to know how to hold a glass of offered alcohol without looking like she wasn't drinking it. Social niceties, and all that. Similarly, since the button-nosed man didn't have his own soda, she wasn't obligated to toast with him, so she pocketed the free cola.
…At the same time that Gon and Leorio spat out theirs.
"Tonpa-san, your soda is expired!" Gon shared.
"Ah––"
The button-nosed man's pupils shook with panic. Seriously? She couldn't trust the exam participants, either?
Screw this cola…! Ah, but she'd hate to litter. Speaking of, the underground tunnel had lights, a ventilation system, and an elevator, but no trash bins. When instructors weren't running hunter exams, she wondered what they used the tunnel for.
She wondered who they hired to clean up the dead bodies.
"Welcome to the hunter exam!" someone shouted from the edge of the crowd farthest down the tunnel. His voice carried like the strike of a gong. "My name is Satotz, and I will be your instructor for the first phase. The rules are simple; follow me to the location of the second phase! If you aren't ready to give your all for the next four hours, turn around right now and take the elevator back home!"
Four hours?
Sorry, was this lunatic implying he expected them to walk for four straight hours?
The crowd picked up around her, and her walking club of four grew into the running club. Because she had been wrong. Silly her! The instructor expected them to run for four straight hours.
Underground. Canned together like tuna. Wearing the clothes they had arrived in.
She was participant #22.
And she had merely reached the starting line.
A/N: MC is basically my reactions as I watch each HxH episode. I don't know where this is going. I just have to bleed the insanity I'm experiencing onto paper before I lose my mind. This show is as wild as its character designs. I say that, but I haven't seen JoJo yet, and I'm already scared.
This author has levelled up in weeb. Now suffer with me.
On a side note, my friends and I are keeping track of how we would fare in the exam. I would have already failed three times: I'm prone to seasickness; I would have answered the old lady's question with "lover, because you can more easily find a lover than a mother" (my friend fondly called me a meathead for that); and I would have cried if the shapeshifters tried to carry me into the air, as I'm afraid of heights.
I've done various sports and I like to believe I'm athletic, but I would not survive this show. The only points in my favour are that I had recognised the shapeshifters and cabin couple had been working together, and that due to my dietary issues, I would not have consumed Tonpa's spiked soda. I'd like to compare triathlons to Satotz's cardio challenge, but I don't want MC to breeze through like a Mary Sue. Still, I have not run ten kilometres in jeans before. All in all, MC is actually better than me.
As always, leave a comment if you liked what you read!