DREW

[0000]

The bird with the poopy baby pants ran up to me, enveloping me in her wings, or arms, or whatever you call those limbs on a cartoon bird.

She frowned at my bandage.

"Oh honey! You're hurt!"

"I know. I really need to go and see a doctor."

She tried to remove the scarves.

"I'm human," I said. "Noid. I need a real human to treat these real wounds and not your..." I winced at the unintended pun. "Quacks."

For a moment, she looked offended, but she seemed to let it pass.

"Well. At least it's bandaged. Perhaps we can work around the injury?"

"No. I'm in a lot of pain."

"He's not in that much pain," Sneezer said.

Cupcake giggled. "Oh you are a shy one! No matter, I'm a little shy too. I think we can come to...enjoy each other's company..."

"I don't think so." I sighed. "Look. I was trying to be nice, but I guess you're too thick to get what I'm hinting at, so I'll just say it."

I cleared my throat. "You're disgusting. I'm not at all turned on by you wearing a diaper and going to the bathroom on yourself. It's gross. For that reason, I don't ever want to sleep with you. Don't get me wrong, you're cute, but unless you can get rid of that diaper, take a shower, and scrub that blue animated ass, I don't want it."

She sobbed and wailed, tears spraying out of her eyes like a fountain.

I just frowned and stared at her.

She cried once more, then it was like someone flipped the crying switch to the off position, and she looked indignant. "Fine!"

Her mood abruptly changed, and she looked hopeful. "How about we shower together?"

"No," I said.

"Fine!" she shouted once more.

Queen Cupcake stomped through a door at the back of the room, presumably the bathroom, slamming it shut behind her.

"That was mean," Sneezer said.

"I don't expect you to understand," I replied. "Before those floating guys messed with stuff, you were in diapers, too."

"Were?" Sneezer said with an mischievous grin.

I scowled. "Please tell me you stopped when you `got older.'"

Sneezer gave me a wink like he didn't, but then giggled. "Ha ha! Got you!"

I was not at all amused.

"Drew, I knew how much you didn't like that, so I stopped, okay?"

I didn't want to say what I thought about that, because I already knew my hormones were not to be trusted, and I didn't want him to have that information.

I dug in my pockets, hoping I could find something in there to get me out of this mess.

The first thing to come out of Hammer Space was a can of Reddi Wip, and a carrot.

Then I found I had a harmonica, a heavy iron gauntlet, a box of condoms, and an oversized wooden mallet.

"Whatcha doin'?" Sneezer said in a nasty tattling sort of tone.

"Sneezer, If you ever want to get kissed by rat girl again, I suggest you shut the hell up."

He swallowed hard and nodded.

Extra popped out of my shirt.

"Master-"

"You be quiet too, little buddy," I said. "Don't make me take you back to the Bird Store."

"But master-"

I sighed. "C'mon, Extra. Be a pal. I'll sleep with your queen some other time, when she grows up."

He nodded. "Yes, master."

I reached into my pockets for something I could use against Cupcake. Out came a yellow dinosaur innertube, an umbrella, a case of Turtle Wax and a can of spinach.

I seriously considered squeezing the can and eating the greens to see if it really made me strong, but even if I believed those misconceptions about an iron overdose, I didn't like `spinnich' that much. I dug around again, hoping to find something better.

After pulling out a `Lousyville Slugger' baseball bat, a tuba, and feathery thong underwear, I at last found something promising, a science fictiony laser pistol.

A practice shot at the door turned the lock to powder.

I vaporized the other one similarly, threw aside the crossbar, and shoved the doors open.

Naturally, an army of bird guards patrolled the hallway.

Having no better plan at the moment, I gave the can of spinach a go.

It was a squeeze can. I guess they don't make aluminum like they used to. The moment the spinach sprayed in my mouth, I heard the Popeye song and I turned into a big buff looking robin.

Handing the laser to Sneezer (how would it look if the guy that rescued all those birds went around vaporizing them afterwards?) I set about `biffing' and `bopping' anyone that got in my way.

"Drew!" Amanda cried as she stepped out of a doorway. "What's-"

"No time to explain," I said. "We need to find Dane and Riffraff and get out of here."

"How was it?" she said, looking more disappointed than I expected. "Was she good?"

I winced. "I don't know. We didn't do anything. I told her to take a shower."

She giggled, looking oddly relieved, joyous even. "That's too bad."

"Not really," I said.

"So you, um..." She ran a hand down her thigh, then cleared her throat. "Well that's good. I'm glad."

"Me too," said Sneezer. "She promised to kiss me."

"I..." I just shook my head.

Extra flapped onto my head. "The dungeon is this way, master!"

A few feet past the guards, it seemed the birds hadn't gotten the memo. Bird brains.

Of course, my costume had suddenly developed breasts, so that could have confused them, too. It sure confused Extra.

My winged guide led me up a spiral staircase and down a winding bent twig tunnel.

"I thought you were going to lead me to the dungeon," I complained.

"I am, master," Extra said. "I am. We birds have different ideas about what constitutes a dungeon."

The tunnel ended on a ledge overlooking a large pit. Directly across from me, I could see `the prison.'

It resembled an enormous bird cage, with a wide sort of gold sidewalk surrounding it. Within the bars, I could see kind of a living room. Sofa, bed, television, framed pictures, and a kitchenette.

A pair of burly looking pigeons stood guard around the gate, one of them peering at a copy of Johnathan Livingston Seagull, the other Bird Fancy.

It looked kind of easy to get in there and get out...if I could find a bridge to cross the chasm.

"How do we get out there, Extra?" I whispered.

My bird tugged on my wings.

"Good luck," Amanda said.

Sneezer, now clad in (ironically) a Cockatiel suit, just gazed at my breasts. What did I ever see in that creep?

I stared into the pit, frowned at my wings. "I'm going to die."

"Confidence, master," Extra said. "In Cool World, confidence transcends physics. Remember that."

I furrowed my brow. "Right. Because...Wiley Coyote could have kept walking on air..."

Shreve suddenly popped out of my costume. "Are we home? This doesn't look like home."

"It's the dungeon, dad," Extra said.

"Oh."

And then Shreve said, "Is this home? It doesn't look like it."

I rolled my eyes, thankful that his dementia hadn't shown up until now."

"I...must have...fallen asleep in your blouse!" the old guy blurted.

With a sigh, I leaned over the edge, rubbing my hands together.

"Here goes nothing."

I jumped off the edge, flapping my arms.

I damn near broke my legs. My feet were about an inch from the bottom of the pit before my wings started working.

I'm not sure how I got there, but somehow I ended up flying with my head above the lip of the cage platform, singing the Flag Boy song and the theme to Beretta.

I caught hold of a bird perch sticking out of a short stair, peering up at the guards.

"This book is weird," said the guard on the left. "The seagull...leaves home because nobody understands how he wants to fly really fast (as if they actually behaved like that), and now he's meeting, what, birds that travel into other dimensions? I don't get it."

"That's because you're not a seagull," said the other guard.

"I don't know. I spoke to Robert about it, and he didn't get it, either."

"Robert doesn't get anything."

It didn't look like there were any other entrances or exits to this prison except through the front. I got a good look at the cage bottom as I nearly went splat, and I only saw a perch up front. I didn't even see plumbing, or a tray to change the newspaper with.

With a sigh, I pulled myself up on the perch, thankful I was in the habit of using machines at the Y that worked those same muscle groups.

...And that the can of spinach hadn't worn off yet.

Once up top, I crept up the stairs, glancing back and forth, waiting to be noticed.

The two guards only looked bored, beaks in their reading material. They gave me a passing glance, but that was it.

Sneezer flapped his wings, joining me on the steps. I approached the wire door.

It was just your average bird cage door, a couple latches holding it shut. No locks at all. Of course, I supposed the chasm kind of made that unnecessary.

They did have an X-Box. Dane and Riffraff sat on a green sofa, nuzzled cozily against each other as they played that game where a guy with a battery shaped head rolls everything in the entire world up into a giant ball.

"I think they got Guitar Hero," Dane said. "You heard of that one?"

The cat licked his teeth, fidgeting with the controller. "I almost got it to two meters. I just need to flatten this row of mice..."

Then he growled, "Stupid ramp!"

"You guys want to stay here a few weeks," I asked. "Or do you want to go now?"

Dane shook her head. "This place is cool, but not that cool."

But Riffraff muttered, "Just one more domino..."

Dane pushed the power button. "C'mon, Riffy."

"I told you, only Cleo calls me that."

"Would you prefer Garfield?"

Riffraff reddened. "No, but you can't call me Riffy!"

I held open the cage door. "Can we squabble later?"

I led my friends out to the staircase, staring across the gap. The guards paid us no mind, continuing to read.

"That's great," Dane said. "But how do we get over there?"

"You don't!" a voice shouted.

A second later, I saw the queen, clad in a silky fur trimmed camisole, fur trimmed panties and stockings with garters and heels. She ran up to the ledge, accompanied by her seagulls and penguins and giant Roc, who weren't very good at pretending not to ogle their ruler.

"...at least, not until we take care of a little unfinished business," Cupcake continued.

Extra flew up to my ear. "I think she's showered, master."

"I'm sure she has," I groaned.

"I do not see a diaper," he added.

"I...noticed."

So. No really good option for me to choose. I could stay in the cage and play Katamari Damancy, eventually getting bird raped on the sofa, or I could fly down and let her have her way with me in the `nest.'

"Look, um," I stammered. "I admit you're cute. Really cute. But I'm not quite ready for this. You want to make me king? Fine. But give me some space. I barely know you. Let's go on a few dates or something. Get to know each other."

She blushed and nodded. "Of course. And you can stay right here until you decide."

I rolled my eyes. "What part of `give me some space' do you not understand?"

"But," she said. "If I let you go, how do I know-"

"You don't," I answered. "But it's normal."

"Yeah," Riffraff said. "What's all this stuff about `a little bird told me', if you can't figure something out?"

Cupcake frowned. "I'm sorry. I still can't let you leave."

"No good deed goes unpunished," I moaned.

I was screwed.

Or, going to be.

The birds flocked around us, dragging me, Dane and Riffraff back to the ledge.

One of the birds, a kiwi, said, "The king has released the prisoners, your highness! Do you wish for us to put them back?"

Cupcake shoved me into a wall, kissing me. I was a female bird, but she didn't care.

She pulled her beak away. "They were only joking about the clocks, weren't they?"

"Yes, ma'am!" Riffraff cried.

"Yes," Dane agreed.

"Then, you two are free to go," Cupcake declared, then gave me some tongue.

Amanda, in the meantime, activated one of those Inspector Gadget style videophone watches. "Daddy," she hissed at the screen. "We need H-E-L-P.! Whatever you got!"

She pointed the watch at me. "Isn't that right, Drew?"

I gave a thumbs up, but then, thinking about how it could be misinterpreted, I pulled away from Cupcake's beak and blurted, "Help!"

"Be there in just a few minutes," Dad said.

I didn't know if that would be quick enough.

I decided to distract the queen. I kind of made myself enjoy it, returning her kisses with a little more enthusiasm, reaching under the camisole and running my hands down her body. You know, to make it convincing.

Suddenly, I heard a sound like someone dragging a tennis shoe across a basketball court.

When I turned my head to look, I saw a floating pink koala bear in a dress drawing a hole in space with a tube of lipstick. Dad was behind her, wearing a ridiculous hat that looked like it belonged to a koala themed amusement park.

"Quick!" Amanda cried, shoving Dane and Riffraff through the hole.

Sneezer, however, remained with me...to watch.

The floating koala stared at me and Cupcake in horror. "Oh! That is most improper!"

"It sure is," Sneezer said with a dreamy grin.

"I don't care how you do it," Amanda said. "Just get him out of here before he does something he regrets!"

"You're the boss!" the koala said in a you-asked-for-it tone of voice.

When Cupcake pressed me against the wall again, undoing the buckle on my real belt, I suddenly discovered that the wall wasn't there.

I tumbled backwards through a dark void, landing on a padded floor inside a room with bamboo screen walls.

With Cupcake on top of me.

That dumb koala bear.

I saw Amanda hop through the hole, landing next to me. Then Sneezer joined us.

"Thanks," I said to my sister.

Then I kissed Cupcake again.

"You're free," Amanda said.

I blushed. "Yeah."

I pushed the bird off me, getting to my feet.

Before I could reach the door, Cupcake took me down with a football tackle, kissing me as she worked on removing my clothing.

Dane looked in and laughed at me. Riffraff stared.

Dad, seeing what was happening, just shook his head and slid the door shut.

Parent of the year.