I pulled my lips away from Cupcake's beak. "You're really weird."

"I know," she said, kissing me some more.

I pushed her back. "Tell me something. What is it with the diapers? I'm almost a hundred percent positive that nobody else in Cool World does that."

She rolled her eyes. "Seriously? I work in a baby factory. I'm surrounded, all day, by baby stuff. And you ask me why?"

I stared at her. "Yeah. Why."

"I don't know. It feels good. And maybe I was riding in a helicopter with a noid lady that gave me the idea."

"Jessica," I groaned, slapping my face.

She gawked at me. "You know her?"

"Uh...kinda?"

The bird narrowed her eyes. "How much is kinda."

"We're boyfriend and girlfriend," I said, latching onto the negative vibe. "We slept together. Which is why you and me isn't such a good idea."

"Why," she said, reaching under my shirt. "Because she might get jealous?"

"Yeah. She can get pretty crazy when she's upset."

She kissed me, sliding her hand over my chest. "So can I."

Okay, so I tried to ditch her with the `I'm taken' line and only ended up with revenge sex. Not the best plan.

Suddenly, I saw a flash, and I was looking up at a skeleton bird surrounded by lightning bolts. The bird queen turned back to normal and rolled off me, going into convulsions.

I, on the other hand, was unaffected. I guess animators never attempted touching someone with their hand on a low voltage electric fence.

I looked up and saw Amanda with a taser in her hand. "I get crazier."

I blushed with embarrassment. "Uh...thanks."

This was awkward because, for one, although I didn't want to admit it, I had been enjoying myself before she interrupted me, and two, Amanda had basically claimed me as her boyfriend, when I had been trying so hard to convince her it wasn't right.

Okay, so that may be an overstatement, but I did try.

At any rate, I guess it's better to stick with the creep you know rather than the one you just barely met.

"Can you tie her up, or something?" I asked.

She frowned, apparently thinking I meant to do some bondage roleplay or something, judging by the face she was making.

"No, no. I meant, her hands are too busy. I just want her to...keep them to herself for awhile."

Amanda nodded in approval. "How about I throw her into the Shadow Realm?"

I blinked at her in confusion. "You can do that?"

She just shrugged.

"Wait. What's the Shadow Realm? Like hell or something?"

"Kinda, sorta, not really. Are you familiar with Hordak at all?"

I frowned. "So...evil guy dimension. Speaking of which, how did you get that koala bear, Pinky Nozzle, whatever, with the magic lipstick?"

"It's Noozle," she said. "Dad does stuff for doodles. Draws things. So he can occasionally pull favors. I really don't know what he did for Pinky, but, well, she owes him. I doubt we'll be so lucky in the future."

Amanda slid open a panel on one of the bamboo walls, taking out something that looked suspiciously like Wonder Woman's lasso. She tied this around the bird, throwing her over her shoulder.

I followed her out the door, down to the den, where Dad was curled up with Chori on the sofa, reading aloud from Four Past Midnight. The pink Nozzle sat on the couch across from him, sipping tea. The Library Policeman is a pretty disturbing short story, but I guess whatever floats your boat.

Dane puffed on a cartoon cigarette with Riffraff in her lap, looking bored. She frowned at what she smoked, but made no comment, so I guessed she was well aware that many things in Cool World had no flavor.

When the two saw us enter the room, they got up and followed us.

Amanda grabbed the spine of one of those I Am Number Four books, and the entire bookshelf turned into cardboard, sliding behind the one next to it.

"Cool," Dane said.

"I'm going to use the Portal to the Shadow Realm," Amanda announced.

Dad didn't look up from the book. I guess being in a cartoon world makes you jaded to such things. "Okay, honey. Just make sure you close it when you're through. You know how I hate surprises."

The secret passage led to a spiral staircase, then a dungeon.

In one corner of this dungeon, I saw a small scale version of Stonehenge, with some comic style embellishments, like giant skulls, crystals and magical symbols.

Dane stared at the place. "Awesome."

A Star of David had been drawn across a circle in the middle of all this. I rolled my eyes and shook my head. "Why does every Japanese cartoon use that as their magical witchcraft symbol?"

"I'm not sure," Amanda said. "But dad thought a pentagram would be too creepy to have in his basement, and it works just as well."

I nodded. "Makes sense."

For the record, my dad has no religious affiliation whatsoever. This was merely an artistic decision.

"It's also on every Chinese Checker board," Dane added.

At this point, the taser effect had worn off, but Cupcake was still bound in the Wonder Lasso, so she couldn't do anything but yell at us...truthfully.

"I have a thing for noids!" she blurted. "And I don't care if the babies look freakish!...Did I mention I'm a virgin?"

Amanda tossed the bird into the circle, chanting as she raised her hands, wiggling her fingers.

"Forces of darkness,

Let power be unfurled,

Open the door to the Shadow World!"

Nothing happen.

"I thought you said it was the shadow realm," I commented.

"It's harder to come up with a rhyme for realm."

She tried it again.

No portal.

She gave me an apologetic smile. "Drew..."

I frowned, not getting what she was asking for. "I understand she is a virgin, but wouldn't that kind of thing be counterproductive?"

Cupcake gave me a mischievous grin. "Not at all!" She wiggled into a provocative pose, dropping her voice to a low breathy tone. "I'm all yours."

I should have had her gagged.

Amanda scowled at me, turning a little red. "I meant the spell! I'm a noid, so it won't work for me."

I blushed. "Right. The spell."

Sighing, I raised my hands and said the poem.

Immediately, sparkles erupted from my hands, and a swirling black hole opened up inside the circle.

The bird screamed as she spun around in the hole like a schooner caught in a whirlpool.

Riffraff and Sneezer recoiled in horror. Extra got so afraid that he flew to Sneezer, burrowing into his jacket.

The hole kept getting bigger.

"How do you close it?"

Amanda cleared her throat.

"Powers of darkness,

Please go away,

We don't need the portal,

We're really okay."

"Seriously?" I said. "That's the spell?"

She gave me a nod.

"It sounds more like someone declining an extra helping of stuffing at a Thanksgiving dinner."

"I've heard worse on He-Man," Dane said.

"All right. Fine." I repeated the `magic spell' and the floor returned to normal, sans Cupcake.

I sighed in relief, maybe a little disappointment.

"What wasn't very nice, Master," Extra said. "You should have not done that to our queen."

"It's not as bad as all that," said Amanda. "She'll be back. Doodles always come back. Sure, they might be a little changed from the experience, but that's not necessarily bad."

"Have you been there?" I asked.

She nodded. "Briefly. I also, um, threw Judge Mxyo down there one time."

I swallowed. "Out of curiosity, was he cute and fluffy before you did that?"

Amanda winced. "Kind of?"

I shook my head. "Great. Now I have an arch nemesis of my own."

"Not necessarily," she said. "It depends on how she spends her time, and if she can find a portal back."

"Well, I guess that's that," I groaned. "I suppose it's time to go back to the junkyard."

"I've been waiting all day for you to say that!" Riffraff exclaimed.

We returned to the living room. Dad was still reading, possibly as payment for Pinky's services.

He looked up from the book at Amanda. "Sugar, where's the Owlmobile?"

"It's behind C.C. Knicknocker," she said. "Uh, it broke down."

"I'm not moving that," the koala said.

Dad shook his head. "Don't bother. I'll get Chori or someone else to take me up there later. It's got a broken power steering line anyway."

We took Chips back to the junkyard.

I had to be there, because I was the slave.

Riffraff had to be there, because it's his home.

Since Dane had become quite attached to the cat, she came with us.

Sneezer basically went wherever I went.

The birds, well, I guess I was a walking nest.

Amanda didn't really have a reason to join us, but I suppose she just felt left out.

"Oh Riffy!" Cleo cried as we climbed inside that broken airplane the cats called home. "Where were you?"

"It's a long story, babe," Riffraff said. "I'll tell you all about it later."

She frowned. "Who's the noid?"

Since her and I had already met, and I wasn't human at the moment, I glanced at Dane.

Riffraff, I guess, didn't get it, pointing to my sister instead. "Cleo, you remember Amanda, don't you?"

She nodded to her. "I'm very happy for you. I know you always wanted to be human. You look nice."

"Thank you," Amanda grinned.

"I was actually asking about the other one."

I guess my sister hadn't taken Dane everywhere in my absence.

Riffraff poked the other noid's leg. "Cleo, I'd like you to meet Dane. She's, uh, been helping us."

Dane, who had been staring wide eyed at everything, eagerly grabbed Cleo's paw and shook it a couple times. "Nice to meet you, Mrs. Riffraff!"

Cleo gasped in shock, staring at the other cat. "Mrs?"

Riffraff's hair stood up all over his body, to the point where he resembled a brush.

"Um...er...I mean..."

"Oh Riffy!" Cleo picked him up, squeezing him to her chest. "All this time, you wanted to propose and you were just too scared I'd say no!"

"Uh...yeah," he gasped. "That's exactly what happened."

She winked at Dane. "I see what he means by helper!"

Cleo let go of him, gazing into his eyes as she held his paw.

"I've been waiting forever for this moment. I kept thinking, `maybe if I drop a few more obvious hints, he might finally get the idea'..."

Riffraff swallowed. "Better late than never, Cleo!"

She smiled. "You must have been so afraid, because that one time we went steady, it never worked out. But you know as well as I that we have always been steady. It's really about time for us to make it official."

I could see cartoon sweat popping out from the other cat's head.

Cleo stroked his hand, grinning. "So where's my ring?"

Riffraff's eyes bulged in surprise. "Just...just a second."

He dashed out of the room, coming back with a diamond studded cat collar. "I was originally thinking about giving this to you on your birthday, but..."

He fastened it around her neck, ushering his fiancee over to a mirror.

"I know it's not a ring, but..."

"Oh Riffy!" she cried. "It's beautiful!" She kissed him.

When their lips pulled apart, Cleo took one look at her reflection and gasped. "Riffy, why is there a giant golf ball in the mirror?"

"Golf ball?" I and Riffraff said in unison.

I squinted at the glass, puzzled by what I saw.

It wasn't a golf ball at all. It was Epcot Center.

Not an animated version of Epcot. The real deal, complete with the monorail and the huge mob of people practically crushing each other to death to go into shops, rides, and the toilet.

I saw a couple costumed figures in the square, Minnie Mouse and Goofy. I assumed an old joke provided the explanation for Mickey's absence.

I poked at the glass. "What the hell!"

Magic mirror or not, my finger did not go through. Even when it was animated.

"Why is it showing Disneyland?"

Dane peered over my shoulder. "More importantly, who's that weird cartoon chick with the hostage?"

I frowned. "What?"