Drew

Although I worried that Holli might attempt to have her way with me again, this was too important to pass up, so I had no choice but to follow her.

Once inside the suite, she threw me a fuzzy bathrobe for decency. Shocking, I know. I pulled it on as I followed her into the lab.

It appeared as if she had converted a quart of the black slime into club soda. All around, glass containers glowed with liquid that changed as constantly as I did.

Every part of her chemistry set contained some sort of colorful liquid, though generally few with realistic colors or reactions.

Burner flasks had pink and aqua colored stuff that flashed black and purple, condenser and filter flasks contained a rotating red-blue that appeared to be permanently marbled, defying laws of diffusion, collector flasks flashed the colors of a stop light, and Erlenmeyers held swirls, checkerboard and polka dotted fluid that turned colors like that of the horse on the Wizard of Oz.

Along one wall stood stack of animal cages, each containing a real animal that flickered into a doodle at different times and a different frequency than their neighbor.

"So. Drew," Holli blurted. "I noticed you've been getting rather...close with my daughter..."

"Of course. I just found out she's my sister."

She rolled her eyes. "We both know there's more to it than that."

I frowned. "That part was a mistake."

"Then why are you wearing a French Tickler?"

"It's complicated."

"It doesn't seem very complicated to me."

"It doubles as a diaphragm. And I've been changing."

"Was it concave or convex when you were sharing her suite?"

"Both," I groaned. "Look. If you want to say something, why don't you just come out and say it?"

"Drew, I don't mind you sleeping with her, but I want to know if you're going to care for her."

"Are you serious? She takes care of me! She's a friggin' superhero!"

"Still, she needs emotional stability. Perhaps economic support as well."

I winced. "All right."

"That didn't seem very certain, Drew. I want to know If you're going to be there for her."

"Why wouldn't I? She's family."

Holli didn't seem satisfied with that answer. "What happens if this cure works and you go back to normal? You'll have no reason to stay here. She'll be all alone, with no one to understand her, and love her, no one to be her companion..."

"She can find other doodles, someone who's not related. She can be normal."

"That's just the thing, Drew. She doesn't want to be normal."

"Then she can live with me in the real world!" I snapped in annoyance. "She can stay at my place. We'll figure something out!" I paused. "Wait. Did you say `economic support' a moment ago?...You live in a fancy apartment building, and dad's in a mansion."

"Things cost money here, Drew. We don't have an unlimited supply."

"This is a cartoon world. Why can't you just draw the stuff you need?

"Why can't you?" she asked.

"Because I have no artistic talent."

"Neither do I."

She sighed again.

"Look, lady. I'm not going to abandon my own sister. I'm willing to give her everything she needs. Well, except if it's sexual."

"Why not? That's a need too."

I rubbed my face in disgust. "I can't believe you actually said that."

"You don't need to be ashamed. If you want to sleep with her, it's okay. I just wanted to know if you loved her, and hear you say it with your own mouth."

"Fine," I said. "I love her. Satisfied?"

She smiled. "Yes. Very."

I stared at a beaker full of bubbling liquid. "That's the cure?"

Holli nodded. "I can't promise this will be permanent, but it works, which is better than my previous attempts."

She took a rat out of a cage, a rat that looked like a cartoon character made of a fur coat and tanned leather, stroking its head.

"This is Rommel. He was my first successful test subject. I would show you Stalin, but the results were only so-so with that one." She fed it a piece of cartoon cheese, setting it back in its cage.

"I have to say I'm impressed. Cartoons generally skip the testing stage and go straight to testing the dangerous...whatever on themselves first."

"Yes. Cool World is full of impatient Frankenstein types. I was much more...careful with this one."

"All right. I guess even if I have to dose myself every day, or month or whatever, it's better than I am now. I'm willing to give it a try."

She handed me a beaker, and I drank.

It was like drinking a cocktail of Alka Seltzer and Thera Flu, laced with bergamot. Very medicinal. Not something you'd want to have on the soda pop aisle, especially considering the viscous fluid that came down your throat afterwards.

"How much do I need to drink?" I said after a few sips.

"The whole beaker."

I shrugged and downed it.

My whole body started glowing, like it did after I had slept with Amanda for the first time. Feeling dizzy, I staggered over to a stool and sat down.

After I waited a few minutes, the glowing subsided, and my original darkly shaded real body solidified. I remained real for five minutes, then ten.

Satisfied that I'd at last found the cure, I shook Holli's hand vigorously. "Thank you. You don't know how much this means to me. I can't thank you enough. I don't know how to begin."

She sighed. "Start by taking care of my daughter."

"I will," I said, completely serious. "Whatever happens, I will."

As she led me to the door, I tugged on the corner of the borrowed bathrobe. "Mind if I keep this?"

She gave me an indifferent shrug.

I marched back to Amanda's suite, never once turning into a doodle.

My sister stared at me when she let me in.

"You look...different."

"I think I'm cured. Holli found something."

Her mouth fell open in shock. "Then we don't need this!"

She pulled off my French Tickler.

"Please, Amanda. It's been a long day. I just want to sleep."

She stuck her hands in my bathrobe. "You're a man. A little sex will put you right out."

I pulled the robe shut quickly. "I really am tired. Too tired for that."

"You've de-animated yourself?" Dane asked with surprise.

I nodded.

She was not impressed. "Why."

"Because I want my old life back, okay?"

Dane frowned.

Sneezer started sniffling, and I thought for sure he would blow a hole in the wall. "You mean...the rat lady is gone?"

I nodded. "Sorry, Sneezer." But I really wasn't sorry at all.

He started crying in the exaggerated way that doodles generally do, weeping buckets and soaking handkerchiefs in a disgusting fashion.

Dane gave him a hug. "There, there, little guy! I'm sure you'll find another mouse chick somewhere!...Or maybe some other kind of significant other!"

"Yeah," said Amanda. "And there's always a chance that Drew's cure won't work..."

"I guess every silver lining has its storm cloud."

The mouse sniffed and nodded. "You're right. You're absolutely right." He looked Dane in the eyes. "Do you like mice? Really, really like mice?"

Dane twisted her lip, suddenly looking uncomfortable. "If you're implying what I think you are, I'm not sure I like mice that much."

"Can I...try to change your mind?"

She laughed. "You can try."

Amanda whispered something to her, but Dane muttered back, "He's cute, but not that cute."

Sneezer didn't try.

"I think he's secretly bisexual," I said.

"So are you," said Amanda.

"That's accidental."

"Yeah. You're accidentally bisexual."

I just scowled at her.

"So. You're human now. What's the plan?"

I sighed. "I don't know if I'm completely cured yet. I'm going to hang around a couple days, see if anything changes. If everything still looks good, I'll go home."

Remembering what I promised Holli, I quickly added, "And take you with me, if you want that."

She gave me a broad smile. "Why wouldn't I want that?"

"It's a deal then."

Sighing, I turned to Dane and said, "Mind if I sleep with you?"

"What!" Amanda cried indignantly.

"I'm a lesbian," Dane blurted.

"Great! That's perfect!"

She looked relieved. "Oh. Sleep sleep."

There really wasn't room on Dane's bench, but the floor below was padded, so I curled up there and fell asleep.

When I awoke, I found Dane's arms wrapped around me, her mouth pressed against the nape of my neck, saliva trickling down my back. Her crotch rubbed against me in a way that suggested maybe she wasn't a lesbian, at least unconsciously.

With my eyes half shut, I tried to wiggle out from under her, only to discover my sister's naked back and buttocks sliding up against me from the other side with a soft moan.

Nothing happened, and it was still dark, so I just closed my eyes again. There were worse things than being cuddled by two women simultaneously.

When my eyes opened again, I found myself alone, with the mouth of a bugle was sticking in my face.

I got blasted with Reveille.

I groaned and sat up, suddenly noticing that a different cat stared back at me.

Brown, skinny, with a Cheech and Chong headband.

"Hector?"

"Riffraff's busy," the cat said. "And we've got ourselves a very busy day."

I looked around, and saw it was just me and the pathetically optimistic Sneezer. The girls, again, had left me, like they had a sixth sense about things of this nature.

I got dressed and used the bathroom.

The face staring back at me from the mirror was a Parasaurolophus, a stupid looking fin headed dinosaur.

I touched my face, and it felt like my normal face.

Assuming it was a trick mirror, or that my cure had sent my doodle body into Mirror World, I followed Hector out to the Cat-Illac.

At the junkyard, I made eggs Benedict for Riffraff and his friend, then spent most of the morning window shopping for the cat's wedding supplies. I'd say `shopping', except I wasn't about to waste money on that, and the bride and groom needed to be present at some point.

It seemed part of their plans involved me trying on dresses as rat girl, but that was just too bad. I didn't care that much about the wedding, especially since, now that I was cured, they wouldn't have looked that great on me.

Deciding enough was enough, I drove up to Ewes Bank and parked.

"What are you doing?" Hector cried. "The junk yard is over on the next street!"

"We need capital." I got out. "If they're not hiring, I'll try the place next door."

"Hey! Wait a minute! I thought you were cured! Weren't you going to leave us and go home or something?"

"I don't know if I'm fully cured yet. I'm going to at least have to stick around a day or so."

"I was under the impression that this type of noid joint was a long term daily thing."

"What do you know about it, Mr. New Job Every Episode?" I challenged. "They don't have to know. Besides, if the cure doesn't pan out, I might actually need to go full time. You've got to plan for every contingency."

The cat rubbed his chin. "Smart..."

Ewes bank had real pavement, and a real sidewalk leading up to their very real glass and steel building. The sign was cartoon artwork, but the rest was bland, ordinary, down to the meticulously cut lawn and shrubbery.

I pushed through a glass revolving door, entering a vast high ceilinged room with corian tile floors, leather couches, and a huge horseshoe shaped security desk with a marble counter running around it. A fake doodle sign covered the original steel bank logo. The marble walls were paneled in places with fine polished wood.

Despite being the only visitor in two days, I signed in on a clipboard. A tiny wavy haired black woman in a security uniform looked up from her Facebook page, squinting at me through her thick rimmed glasses. "Can I help you?"

I forced a smile. "I'm looking for work."

The woman frowned. "Did you go to the website?"

I rolled my eyes. "No?"

She narrowed her eyes. "You need to do a search of local job openings and fill out an online application for this region."

"I don't have the internet. If you'd look outside, you'd know why."

She shrugged. "Go to a library."

I smacked my face. "We're in the middle of freaking Toon Town! Are you telling me that you have so many applicants for this region that you're forcing them all to go online?"

The face she gave me said yes.

I frowned as I watched an animated sheep in a polo and khakis swipe a badge at a little security turnstile, clopping across the tiles.

I buried my face in my hands and snorted.

My body suddenly felt large and bulky, and when I rubbed my head, I felt it bald except for a long fin. My face had sort of a beak to it, and no nose.

Looking bored, the security guard, handed me a flat cartoon computer. "Take this and have a seat," she said in a tone of weary resignation. "Click the home icon and fill out all the forms."

I did what I was told. For some reason, my dinosaur body didn't break the couch.

The computer, although ink and paint, accessed a real looking website. It actually looked like...the other bank's website, but the application questions were a little strange in sections.

For instance, below the name, address and phone number, there was a box for `What TV show, movie, comic or video game did you appear in?' and `If you know what a social security number is, and have one of your own, please include it.'

After the education and job experience boxes, I also found a box that asked: `Briefly describe the following terms: Credit Card Spending Limit, Late Fee, Membership Fee, Finance Charge, Interest.'

I didn't have all the company addresses or the address for my school, but I filled in everything I could, pushing the send button I found at the end of the page.

Unsurprisingly, I experienced no glitches or lagging. It went off in a second.

As I returned the computer, I glanced at the large plasma TV on the wall, doing a double take when I saw what they showed on MSNBC.

Spaceship Earth, in all its shiny dimpled glory, was rolling free from its moorings in Disneyland's Epcot Center. People ran and screamed as the giant silver ball thundered across the Innoventions plaza, crushing everything and everyone in its path.

Explosion rocks Epcot, the caption read.

"What the hell is Jessica doing over there?" I cried.

The program cut to a newscaster interviewing officials about the disaster. They claimed it was a "pyrotechnics mishap."

Before I could get any more information, I heard someone saying, "Drew Deebes?"

I spun around and found a small young woman with short brown hair and glasses staring back at me. White blouse, black vest, slacks. Gold necklace and jade earrings. She reminded me of a blackjack dealer somehow.

"Uh, hi," I stammered, unsure if this were the boss or just the secretary. "That's me."

She smiled pleasantly. "Follow me."

The woman led me through a door on the side of the room behind a row of security turnstiles, into a little board room with a long table and tall padded leather swivel chairs. The walls were a tidy pastel green, bearing only a massive plaque with the real company name on it.

She offered me a seat. "Wait here."

I sat down, she left the room, and I waited.

I waited a long time, eventually reverting to my human state.

I slouched in the chair, about to give up, but then the girl returned, accompanied by a tall African American woman in a puff sleeve purple blouse and black leggings. Her face was plump, her hair straight and cropped short. When she saw me change into my dinosaur form, she grinned broadly.

These people seemed nice enough. I figured the interview process would be easy.

But then the door came open again, and in walked the bird.

Her coloration was ink black, and animated, the white hair and the design of the face familiar in an oddly unsettling way, but she had horns, and glowing eyes.

Her outfit technically could not be described as business casual, nor professional. For the top, she had on a tan-gold polo with red trim, but the collar was high and fan-like, like Dracula's cape, and the shirt cut off at the midriff. Chains crisscrossed her chest like some kind of Hellraiser character, a large gold Star of David medallion securing them around her breasts.

Instead of pants, she wore a tiny skirt of matching color, long boots and elbow length gloves with chains wrapped around them.

She pulled up a chair next to the ladies, setting a folder on the table as she cast me a knowing glance.

The moment our eyes met, I knew this was no mere coincidence.

She turned her chair to face me.

"Ahem."