Drew

I Googled the clock company to see if they truly were "What it says on the tin" and found out they called it a "sweatshop" because the guy worked really really hard.

I suppose, if this were Miss Terious's doing, she had been too dumb to figure out how to get clocks made with real sweatshop labor.

The only online complaints I could find about this place were that the clocks weren't genuine Swiss clocks, they were Hungarian, they never gave refunds, and the guy was notorious for processing payments with insufficient credentials, i.e., allowing people to make too many attempts at generating their own false expiration dates and CVV codes until they "got it right."

If they said the billing address was for Texas and the account holder lived in Ohio, they didn't care. In fact, if a bank rejected a pending charge due to a wrong billing address, they'd simply search the internet for the "right address" and run it again. Federal law couldn't legally force them to give refunds, so they never did.

Worse, all their call centers were in India or the Philippines, where the law was sketchy, and customer service reps could pretend to not understand English while they politely gave you the runaround.

I could still dispute the charge with my bank, but there was one foreseeable problem with doing this: If I actually got the kookoo clocks, I couldn't say I hadn't received goods and/or services, and they would be skeptical about any sort of fraud that involves products being shipped to my apartment.

Even if they were shipped to the guy next door, I'd have a chance at disputing it. It would make no sense for someone to ship things fraudulently to my apartment, unless they worked in the leasing office, and could take them out of my mailbox. Who in their right mind would believe that story?

Cupcake had seated herself on the table top next to the computer, legs spread, one hand drawing up part of her skirt. Blue panties, white trim. "Can you...dispute the charges?"

I admit I was a little flustered by her antics, especially when compiled with catastrophic failure like this. "Uh, yeah. I mean, no, not unless I go back to my world and visit the bank." I sighed. "And doing that isn't exactly easy."

"You can't do it by phone?"

I laughed. "You work for a bank and you ask me that?"

She looked like she sincerely didn't know.

I rolled my eyes. "The only fraud dispute you can do by phone is shutting off your debit card. You have to physically fill out a bundle of paperwork and mail it, which can take weeks, sometimes months, or go into a bank and do it there, which generally takes a little less time. I personally need to get this done fast to keep my apartment."

I gestured to the computer. "I'm done. Want me to shut this off?"

She shoved it aside. "I'll take care of it."

"Thanks," I said. "You've been pretty decent about this whole thing."

Truthfully, her suggestive behavior wasn't exactly decent, but I didn't say anything because, well, maybe I didn't mind so much.

She scooted in front of me, spreading her legs wider. "Can I ask you something, Drew?"

Squirming a little, I answered, "Okay?"

"I haven't seen you transform any. You were a dinosaur for a couple minutes, but you're mostly human. Why is that?"

"I've found a cure."

She chuckled. "You act as if being a doodle is a bad thing."

Sighing, I said, "I just want my normal life back."

"Normal is boring."

"Maybe I like boring."

"Sometimes I like boring too," she said with a smirk. "Why a dinosaur? Among my people, you turned into a bird. This is Ewes Bank. Why not a sheep?"

"I don't know. Maybe it's part of the cure?"

For a few seconds, I turned into a sheep and bleated, making her laugh.

She placed a hand on my makeshift bandage. "Is it healing any?"

"Probably not," I said.

She kissed me. "My noble king."

And then she grabbed my hand, drawing it along her upper thigh.

I pulled my hand away. "Stop."

Again, being seduced by a shapely cartoon bird only added to the already existing frustration and sexual confusion.

She eased herself down onto my pants. "What's wrong."

"I just showed you what's wrong!" I snapped.

I shoved her back up on the table.

Cupcake planted her boots on the armrests of my chair, showing me her wares. The blue underwear was exactly the same color her skin used to be. "Is there anything I can do to help?"

I grabbed her knees, pulling her legs together. The way she shuddered when I touched her, you would have thought I were running my hands down her breasts.

I pretended not to notice. "You think you can get your little birdies to carry me over to Holli Would's apartment?

"Ahem."

She stood up on the table, arched her back, and bat wings exploded from her body, paring down her clothing in the process.

Her top and miniskirt burst open, becoming part of the wings' tan underside, the chains snapping across the stretched out leather folds, leaving her in robin's egg colored bra and panties. "How about one big bird?"

I swallowed. "That'll work."

But as she hopped down from the table, I suddenly realized the problem with this whole endeavor.

"Wait," I said as I got up. "How's this going to work? I'm barely into the first day of training. I can't just skip out, can I?"

She pushed me into the table, touching her beak to my lips.

"They trust me here, and I'm a quick study. I'll show you the ropes, and then some."

"I've heard that workplace relationships don't work," I stammered.

"If we have a problem," she breathed. "I'll just fire you and keep you on as a consultant."

This did nothing to decrease the awkwardness of the situation. I reddened.

"Shall we go?"

Like most office buildings, the majority of the ceiling to floor windows at Ewes Bank didn't actually open, but this didn't stop Cupcake. She just pulled a knob out of her bra, stuck it to the glass, and she had an instant casement.

As she pushed it outward, I saw the door to the room crack open, and a yellow feathery head poked in. "Did somebody call me?"

The creature limped in, clad in a neck brace, his leg in a cast, one wing in a sling. I guess it's hard to write off a doodle once they're relatively popular.

"My apologies," Cupcake said. "I meant to say `large bird.'"

Big Bird looked disappointed. "Very well, my queen. Are you certain there isn't any service I can perform for your majesty?"

"Thank you, Big Bird," Cupcake said. "But no. You should really rest up until your injuries heal."

Big Bird frowned. "Yes, your highness."

And then he nodded at me. "My king."

The fowl waddled away with his head down.

Sort of. He had a neck brace, you know.

Cupcake led me to the window. "Do you trust me?"

I swallowed. I really hadn't had any reason not to trust her. All she wanted to do was get into my pants. "Yeah..." I almost said, "With most things" or "With my life," but they both sounded awkward and dangerous, so I just nodded and said yeah again.

She stepped out the window, hopped onto a cloud, and beckoned to me.

"Seriously?"

Her glowing eyes narrowed. "Do you trust me or not, Drew!"

I sighed, taking the first trembling step toward the pane.

A weird voice nearly startled me headfirst into the parking lot below.

"Did somebody call me?"

Glancing back, I saw a big blue green avian creature that looked suspiciously like the guy that had just left.

"I'm Large Bird."

I groaned. "Uh, no. We're good."

"You know, I'm glad. I've always said she needed to get laid."

"No, no. Not that good!"

"Gee, I'm sorry to hear that!"

I turned to face the demon bird on the clouds, who still waved me over.

"You want me to jump?" I called.

She shrugged. "Unless you can grow your own wings and fly over!"

"Is it safe?"

In response, she did an erotic stripper type dance on the cloud.

"All right. But I'm going to be mad if I fall down and die."

"I thought you trusted me," she said with a pout.

"All right," I stammered nervously. "All right. Fine. I trust you."

Singing Round and Round by Ratt in attempts to protect myself against the inevitable fall, I leapt from the window, turning into a shovel beaked Parasaurolophus as I did so.

I fell.

Cupcake swooped down and caught me as I dropped past the first floor, grunting with the effort of lifting my large saurian form.

A creepy looking gargoyle turned its head, grinning at my escort. "Hey, hot mama!" His voice had a weird distortion to it. "Why don't you drop this dweeb and hang out with me for awhile?"

I supposed the wings and horns were a big turn on for him.

"No thanks," Cupcake said. "I don't date architectural features."

"Ouch."

Once up on the cloud, I relaxed somewhat, turning human again.

I allowed Cupcake to press her body against my back, feigning nonchalance as she wrapped her arms around me, placing her hands on my chest.

Her wings flapped, and we were off, soaring across the idealized cartoon landscape.

"There. That's not so bad, is it?" she breathed in my ear.

I didn't want to say yes, but it wasn't that bad, either.

"Um," I stammered. And that's all I could manage.

She giggled. "You're staying in the big twisty building with the eye on it, right?"

"Yeah," I said. "How did you know?"

Cupcake laughed. "Drew. Think about what you just said."

I grimaced. "Oh that's right. Bird queen. Tell me. What's your national baby farm going to say about us sleeping together?"

She nearly dropped me in surprise. I think she must have interpreted this as `Let's go to town right now.'

"They're very open about it," she eagerly gushed. "Of course, storks don't deliver most bird babies. You lay them yourself." Then she purred, "What's your baby farm going to say about us sleeping together...It's almost like something you'd say after you did it. Or immediately before."

I gulped. "I was being hypothetical. I meant `if' we slept together, what would they say."

"Three quarters of the company would say, `was it as good for you as it was for me?'"

"I'm...assuming...you mean that you're three quarters of the company?"

"Uh-huh."

As if I wasn't already uncomfortable enough.

"What's your baby farm going to say..." she kept repeating under her breath.

Cupcake knew exactly where to go. In seconds, we were at my sister's window.

The trouble was, the window was locked from the inside.

I knocked several times before anyone opened up.

I was greeted by Dane, still dressed in her crazy costume. "You're back early!"

When she saw my companion, she burst out laughing. "I see you've got a new girlfriend!"

"Not as new as you might think," Cupcake said. "Miss...Kookoo."

Dane raised her hands defensively, eyes wide, her mouth hanging open in shock. "That was a joke! I hate kookoo clocks! Honest!"

"May we come in?" Cupcake said.

Dane waved us in, looking visibly nervous. "I dig the new look," she said as Cupcake folded down her wings, fastening her clothing articles back into their original positions. "It's badass."

The bird smiled. "Thank you."

"I agree," I said. "It is cool."

Cupcake blushed a little, tugging her shirt collar open wider. "I am happy to please my king."

Dane giggled. "You made a good choice, your highness."

I glanced around, but didn't see my sister. "Where's Amanda?"

Dane shrugged. "She went down to some strip club. She said she was going to help you pay off the car."

I sighed. "I hate to say it, but that actually sounds like a plan."

I frowned. "Look. I'm going back to the real world. It's only going to be for a few hours. Someone did fraud on my bank account and I need to fix that so I don't get evicted. You want to come along?...You don't exactly belong here..."

"No way," Dane said, her face completely serious. "I'm never leaving here. Ever!" And then, after a pause, "Okay, maybe if I really really had to, but you'd have to have a damn good reason."

Sneezer's head popped out from behind a curtain. "I'll go!"

I rolled my eyes. "That's pretty much a given."

And then I did a double take. "How did you know I'd be here?"

"A little bird told me."

Extra popped out of the mouse's pocket. "Sorry, master."

Groaning, I stepped out the door, into the hallway.

The Bird Queen followed me.

"Look, Cupcake," I said. "I really don't think you should come with me. I'm going to the real world. People will stare. There could be a problem."

"You're letting the mouse go..." she pointed out.

"Well, yeah," I said. "But Sneezer follows me around whether I want him to or not."

Sneezer nodded. "And it pays off! Sometimes he turns into rat woman and gives me passionate kisses. In fact, last night, we almost scored."

Cupcake grinned. "Then I have to come along. After all, someone has to sign off on this manager approved company activity."

That made it even more horrible.

"Fine," I said. "If you want to come along, you can. I guess I owe you."

"Notice how he didn't disagree," Sneezer said. "About the scoring."

The bird queen smiled broadly. "I noticed!"

Trying not to think about all this, I hurried over to Holli's place, knocking on her cardboard door.

A slender goat in a white dress opened it. "I'm afraid there's been a problem with the formula."