DREW

[0000]

I hurried out of my apartment, checking to see what Sneezer was talking about.

Cupcake almost came outside in her underwear but I told her not to.

Sure enough, entire checkbooks and deposit slips had been stapled all over nearby telephone poles, complete with forged signature.

Worse, many had already been removed, leaving tell-tale stubs of ripped paper, some identity thief already on their way to buying who knows what, with my money.

The bank, of course, was closed for the day. You could still call to change the bank account number to protect against fraud, but that required a phone.

I mentioned this problem to Cupcake. "I wish I could borrow one from somebody..."

"How about I go inside and knock on people's doors?" Sneezer asked.

He still looked human.

I stared at him for a moment. "Would you?"

He nodded, darting through the entrance.

The queen bird leaned against the glass window next to the front door. Her reflection looked strangely lizard-like, but she was already black, with horns, so I wasn't really that surprised.

What did surprise me was how she suddenly reached down into her underwear, pulling out a sort of gold trident with rounded points, affixing it to a jeweled bird ornament she had tucked in her top, then pulled a long staff out of her throat like a sword swallower, screwing it into the ornament.

I wondered why I hadn't felt any o those items when she was getting all friendly and rubbing her breasts and crotch against me, but I guessed her clothing still possessed elements of Hammerspace.

"And what will you be doing with that?" I asked.

A little black girl in overalls, with cornrowed hair braided in little beads drew pictures with chalk on a nearby section of sidewalk.

Cupcake pointed the staff at her, mumbled something, and the child got enveloped by bright glowing light.

A second later, the girl became a little red cartoon bird with braided hair hopping and chirping on the pavement.

The bird examined its wings, chirped merrily, and flew to the rooftop.

I stared at the queen in horror. "Cupcake! How could you! That was a little girl!"

Cupcake shrugged. "Drew. I didn't hurt her. I just made her into a bird."

The red bird flew down, alighting on my shoulder.

It chirped and nuzzled against me, seemingly without a care in the world.

"See?" Cupcake said. "She looks happy, don't you think?"

I furrowed my brow in dismay. "I...I guess."

"From what I've seen of this area, this is a place for the financially struggling. If you could choose between a life of poverty and being a cartoon bird, which would you pick?"

I sighed. "Yeah, but what about her family?"

"I'm sure we'll get to that eventually..." Cupcake pressed me against the door frame. "Where were we..." She kissed me passionately.

"Did someone need to borrow a phone?"

I looked up and saw a big fat woman in a polka dotted dress. The orange cat sidled out around her swollen calves.

Her name was Bertha Featherstone. I knew this only because we got our mail mixed up a few times.

She was a nice enough neighbor. We never really talked that much, but we weren't enemies or anything. Sneezer had brought her outside.

"Yes," I blurted. "I'm sorry for the inconvenience, but someone's trying to do bank account fraud with my checking account."

The woman shook her head, making tsk sounds. "It seems like everyone's having problems these days. Why, only last month someone hacked into mine..." She frowned, stared down the sidewalk. "Sissy! Sissy! Where did you go!" She frowned at me. "Have you seen my daughter? Little thing with braided hair and overalls?"

"Uh, no," I stammered. What was I going to say, yes, we turned her into a bird?

"I'm here, mama," chirped the red bird.

"Sissy!" Bertha cried, apparently not seeing my little animated companion. "Where are you!"

"I'm here, mama!" the little bird cried.

"Sissy!"

"Mama!"

The scene would have played on like a Twilight Zone episode, except at that moment, Cupcake grew impatient, blasting Bertha with the staff.

And then there were two birds, a little red bird and a big fat cartoon chicken in a polka dot dress. The two hugged each other and chirped happily.

"How's that for family?" Cupcake said.

I was too shocked to reply.

She smiled. "Gotta love a happy ending."

I frowned. "I'm not sure that's what this is."

Ignoring this comment, Cupcake twirled her staff, planting it on the ground. "You know, this also doubles a sex toy."

She clicked a button on the side of the trident, and it vibrated.

Sneezer raised an eyebrow.

I cringed.

"A shame we had to get interrupted," she said. "I was hoping to surprise you. It could have made our lovemaking interesting."

"Tragic," I muttered facetiously.

The cartoon chicken handed me her phone like everything was still normal.

"Um, thank you, Bertha," I said.

I called the bank, and did manage to change the account number. It would have to do until the following day.

"There!" Cupcake said with an air of triumph. "Everything's finally getting back to its proper order. What do you think? Are we happy now? Ready to...go back to our love nest?"

I still felt unsettled. "Not quite."

Sighing heavily, she placed a hand on my shoulder and said, "Drew. We'll take care of your bank account tomorrow."

"That's not what I'm worried about. Can you please change these people back to normal?"

"They're better off this way."

"No. They're not."

She glared at me. "Drew. I'm your boss, your queen and your lover. Don't piss me off."

"What, or you'll go away?"

"C'mon, Drew," she said, pressing me against the door frame again. "I see how you look at me..."

We kissed.

"What happened to you in that Shadow Realm?" I asked.

She grinned. "I already told you."

"You're different. I thought I liked that, but now it seems you're a little too different."

"Drew," she said. "I spent ten years in the Shadow Realm. It's not like I'm some sort of demonic impersonator from the region of Kral or anything."

I stared at her in suspicion. "The what?"

But then I realized comic books always tend to go in that sort of direction. "Never mind."

She unscrewed the trident from the rod, slipping it back into her panties. "Let's go back downstairs. I think we'll both be in for a very interesting time."

"Excuse me," cried a strange voice.

I looked around for a moment before noticing an incredibly short figure clad in a hat, a scarf and a rumpled coat.

I frowned at him. "Uh...hello?"

"Are you Drew Deebes?" the stranger asked.

"No," Cupcake said. "He's the Bird King."

"I might be Drew Deebes," I blurted. "Who wants to know?"

The little person lifted their hat and I saw a bald peach colored cartoon guy with Coke bottle glasses and a round nose.

Sneezer gasped. "It's Professor Whiskers!"

The little guy nodded. "I need your help, Drew. The lives of everyone in the real world could very well be in danger."

I rolled my eyes. "Is this real danger we're talking about? Or are we talking about rescuing little birdies from a sweat shop?"

Cupcake scowled at me, putting her hands on her hips.

"Oh, the danger is real, all right," Whiskers said. "I only wish that it wasn't."

"Does it have anything to do with Disneyland?"

"Mr. Deebes," Whiskers said. "In a matter of hours, what happened in Disneyland will look like...Disneyland, in comparison."

I furrowed my brow in puzzlement. "I'm not sure I follow."

"Two Spikes have already been removed from their rightful place. You have to stop that woman from taking any more! The power will weaken the stability of both universes, ending life as we know it forever!"

"That sounds dangerous," I deadpanned, not quite taking him seriously.

Whiskers turned red, narrowing his eyes at me. "Are you going to help me, or are you going to mock?"

"I don't know. I'm leaning toward the mocking right now. What could be worse than smashing a bunch of tourists with Spaceship Earth?"

"Mr. Deebes, Have you heard anything about Ghermanntown?"

I gave him a blank look. "Is that part of the theme park?"