A Foolish Life
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I know it's not written in the conventional way (aka the way I always do it) but bear with me just a little, give it a try!
The writing might be a bit difficult to fallow, but it occurred to me that people (when thinking) aren't all that coherent, are they?
Oh, I don't know if anyone's done this before, I'm sure there's someone out there who wrote about Kakashi talking to the stone and… alright I'll do the rambling part at the end.
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I come again today… as I always do.
But perhaps today is different, perhaps…
Remember when we met? Oh… I hated you. Did you hate me too?
You were so different. You were as opposite as it could be from me, but then… you always did tell me it was just happiness that separated us… did I look that sad? was it just that?
I guess it doesn't really matter uh? It's just that… I guess I'm just old now; I spend the day thinking of the past more than ever before, did you ever see me getting to this age? I sure never did. I never planned to. I'm a ninja, am I not? I am… I was an elite ninja, wasn't I?
It all feels like a dream.
Don't take into account my words… I'm in a weird mood today.
…
I feel week. And it isn't just about this… this old bones, stop chuckling, I know you are.
Answer me…
Can a soul be week?
Can a soul crack?
Bear with me… just this once.
I know I promised I wouldn't let you see me sad anymore, but I failed miserably these past years, and so… so I thought you wouldn't mind if it happened just once more.
Look at me… and old failure… crying his sorrows away. You will not tell, will you? It took years for me to cry in front of you… I'm still not sure I should… will you hate me for that?
I'm so tired…
This pain…
I don't understand why I'm still here you know?
Stop that patronizing look. You wouldn't understand.
Why didn't you stay?
This life… this life you gave me… it wasn't for me to have. You were the one with love, family… hopes. I never ambitioned anything other than that I knew I could get. And you loved her… you should at least had stayed for her… she cried for you the most, did you know?
But you always made right decisions; at the end she followed you
I didn't cry then either.
Then again… I didn't cry much back in those days, did I?
And look at me now… crying like there's no tomorrow… but perhaps…
I haven't been completely honest with you, and I know you know that.
Remember the last war? I was such a fool…
Don't worry; I'd long ago stopped blaming myself for their deceases. I know there wasn't anything I could have done… I know…
In my heart, I always thought I would be at his service at the end… he yearned it so much, he made me believe he could… and he really could have, we just made the wrong decisions… the wrong connections.
I know you would have never accepted them… not as easily as I did anyway… and they called me a genius… I should have known better.
You told me once, that if you ever made a mistake, then you have to spend the rest of your life trying to mend it… Well, that's what I'm trying to do now.
I trusted and helped the wrong people, I believed the wrong people.
I'm sure you know how life is now, what Konoha is like… at least, what's left of it.
They should have never gained power, and no… I won't enter into a diatribe of how I handed it to them either… but it weights you know? it weights.
I'm so old… and I never felt like it so much as I do now.
If I could just lay here for a bit… If I could just join you…
Don't call me selfish… and don't you dare look at me like that. Haven't I done enough? Haven't I lead the insurrection for so long? Didn't I start it?
What do you want from me? Don't you see there's nothing else left of me to give?
I feel like quitting, but don't you worry.
Every day I say to myself it will be the last one, but everyday someone comes and reminds me what I'm doing and why… they're not many though, you know? People are sick of wars… times have changed, we've become obsolete… now there's a new army… ninjas are nothing more than a memory of times people don't like to recall.
…
I've been messing with the wrong people apparently; at least that's what they told me yesterday.
They cannot make it pass as a delusional old man's speech anymore they said… delusional… if anything, I could have lived without that adjective… don't you laugh at me… I have my pride after all, I'm sure you remember.
They say I still have an important influence on people… that they look at me as some sort of icon, a legend as they put it. They said that they wouldn't like to take me down of those altars, that I still could have a place in their heaven… can you believe them? How haughty of them…
They said I should do a public apologise, that that could be enough. They want me to tell an audience how much I admire the work done for the Hokage and his administration… they don't want me to lose, as one of them put so eloquently, the public respect. One of them even had the nerve to tell me how some lines were diffuse, and that even though he respected and remember me from old tales, that maybe, it was better for me to just bend some of my believes.
I don't know what annoys me the most, them talking to me like you'd do to a toddler or them actually bringing up how old I am… they don't know what respect means… they don't know of how many different ways I could have killed them… we could have killed them… remember?
This world is so full of shit… This life is meaningless…
And I'm feeling the pain invading my body again.
Remember I thought pain could only be physical when I was younger? I was such a retard… I couldn't understand anything more than that… But I swear to you that as time passes by I begin to think that perhaps I wasn't all that deluded, I swear to you that I can almost feel the pain flowing through my veins… going to my chest, invading every little cell of my exhausted body… wrapping itself around my heart… clutching it…
But pain is just pain isn't it?
Nothing special, nothing poetical… not the proverbial knot in the throat people used to talk about… nothing worth mention I guess… at least not the pain from an old fighter.
Fight… you know that's one of the reasons they hold against me? They say I'm nothing but a dusty memory of war history… a warrior they called me, and as such I couldn't understand peaceful times they said. Maybe they're right.
Didn't sensei used to say I was destined to fight?
He also used to say how fate had brought us together… was it fate that tore us apart?
I don't know what fate is anymore… or if destiny ever existed, I don't even question god existence… I know it's impossible.
I've been a fool through life… and much to my pain… I'll be a fool through death
The world will keep moving, keep changing.
Why couldn't I change along with it?
I came to visit you today… and perhaps it will be my last.
I won't surrender… Are you happy?
That was always the big difference between us uh? I'm sure you are happy now, just as I'm sure I'm sad.
I'm afraid… and for once I won't say otherwise, I'm afraid as I've never been before… I'm afraid of death… I'm afraid of disappearing… I'm afraid of being forgotten.
Do you think me vain now?
But what do you know? You will forever live through this stone, I… they won't even give me that.
And why?
Because I've been a fool all along… a stupid…
Because I decided to support ideas instead of people…
Because there weren't any people left for me to support…
I guess I was born this way, always a fool… supporting the foolishness of what today is considered stupid… the foolishness of assuming our enemies… the foolishness of living without having a price.
So… I admit I really don't know what fate is, I admit I don't know if destiny is what had me doing everything I did…
I just know that I walked and I walked, without even realizing if it was my path that I followed… maybe it was yours… maybe it was theirs.
But if by walking them I became who I am… then…
I guess I'll gladly die… just the way I lived.
Goodbye my friend… let this God of yours unite us in death as we couldn't be in life.
I'll die the way I lived…
Will you smile for me once more?
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Author's note: at this point I don't know if I should call myself an author still, I mean… honestly! Well, this is yet another fic based on a song haha, I think I don't do anything else anymore… I'm lazy
The thing is, I was sitting in front of my computer ready to write the next chapter of my other fic, but it occurred to me that it would be nice to have some music while waiting for inspiration to come, and… have you heard of Silvio Rodriguez? Well you should! Shame on you! Anyway, because I really don't think I could translate the pain on his lyrics, I did the next best thing, although I'm not that happy with it… I've noticed inspiration for writing isn't at all like inspiration for other forms of art… too many ideas… too much of a little head to hold them. Bad self called author bad!
Well… you people do like drama right? Was it dramatic? Or just mildly sad? Hopefully not sad for the way it was written! XD
Oh… it was Kakashi talking to Obito, I did make it clear right? I never know… and, well… he's old… yeah… as I said in "Bizarre girl" fear of time really is my biggest weakness, so for me, the story viewed that way, was sad.
And for the first time ever (I think… probably not though) I'll ask for REVIEWS! Because I'm feeling a bit underappreciated here… well maybe I don't deserve them, but I'll ask for them still! I am a vain person after all, yep, I have a heart you know?