DREW

Okay, so, not cool that Cupcake was turning people in to birds. But I also knew that there wasn't much I could do about it, which is why I hadn't really pressed the issue or fought her about it. If she wasn't going to do anything about it, how was I to reverse their transformations?

Also, I didn't know my neighbors very well to begin with. People were always moving out, so I generally didn't get too concerned about what happened in the other units anyway.

But now I had someone with me, someone who apparently cared about the real world, so I decided to brave the subject. "Uh, Mr. Whiskers..."

"It's Professor Whiskers, if you're being formal."

"Right. Professor...Do you...notice anything...unusual around here?"

He frowned. "Your...friends...do not appear to be what they seem."

"You got that right," I said. "Notice anything else?"

"I, uh, no?"

"Let me just spell it out for you," I said. "A couple of my neighbors have been transformed into doodles. My demonic friend here thinks that's fine, but I don't. Do you know any way I can fix the problem?"

Whiskers rubbed his chin and thought for a moment. "Where are they?"

I knocked on Bertha's door, and the two doodle-fied humans answered.

Whiskers took one look at them, pulled out a laser gun looking thing, and blasted them.

I thought they'd be history, but a second later, I saw a pair of real people collapsed on the floor.

Understandably, they got scared and hurried into their apartment.

"They'll be fine." He turned a knob on his gun, pointing it at Cupcake. "I have half a mind to vaporize you. With all the suspicious activity going on around here, we don't need doodles pulling unwanted transformations."

He glanced at me, awaiting my approval.

"Uh, let's not kill her yet. She's kinda my boss, she likes me, and she's cute."

Whiskers frowned. "As you wish. I only hope it won't lead to a disaster like your father's girlfriend did."

I furrowed my brow, but decided not to mention Amanda.

Cupcake looked a little irritated about her plans being thwarted, but her annoyance seemed to be directed at Whiskers. She still gave me the eyes. Maybe there was a little genuine love keeping her from going full villain mode.

The professor cleared his throat. "Now that our little bird problem has been cleared up, let's get down to business. Two Spikes have been stolen from their rightful place..."

"So what do you want me to do? Drive down to little Germany and kick some butt?"

He gave me this look like he might.

"To me, that's doing a little too much. I'm not a superhero, I'm just an average guy who has the misfortune to have a freak for a father."

"Actually, I have a much simpler task in mind," the little guy said. "I want you to go to a specific address, and make sure the Spike doesn't get stolen."

"Oh no," I said, raising my hands in protest. "No. No. Unh-uh. I'm not setting foot around that prison, or that hotel. I'd rather not get into trouble deeper than I already am."

"Actually, I have a feeling their next target is going to be a house."

"Oh lovely," I muttered. "As if I had enough problems with Romeo in there..." I sighed. "So my dad's old place, right?"

Whiskers nodded.

"I guess...I really wasn't doing anything anyway..."

Cupcake cleared her throat, but that only underscored my point.

"Yeah. I'm not busy."

"He was only having sex!" Sneezer said.

I pretended he didn't say that.

I let everyone in my car (including Cupcake), started the engine, pulled into reverse.

A second later, I heard a series of loud pops, and we were `lowered to the ground', literally.

Using all kinds of cuss words, I jumped out, examining my tires.

I saw nothing but lumpy rubber on rusted rims.

As I examined each tire, I noticed shiny wooden objects descending from the wheel wells like spiders, retracting little knife blades into their bodies as they blinked their ruby eyes at me.

I tried to catch one, but a blade popped out and slashed at my hand. They scampered away into the field across the street.

"I'm afraid the world will just have to end. I only got one spare, and it's a donut. I'd suggest we hitch a ride on demon bird here, but she's kind of sketchy, if you know what I mean, and I'm not sure she wants to carry the added weight."

"I have a much better idea..." Whiskers took out a sketch pad. "I once knew a bubble turret gunner during World War II who swears he saved everyone on his bomber by drawing a pair of cartoon landing gears. You see, the plane was damaged, so the gears refused to extend. They would have died, if not for the cartoonist on board. I did some research, and his plane was involved in the Spike tests."

"Spike tests? So the thing about it being part of an experimental weapon is actually factual?"

"Yes." He handed me a sketchbook and a pencil.

"You got the wrong guy. You want my dad."

"Are you saying you can't draw a circle?"

"Why don't you draw a circle? I don't see the point."

"Mr. Deebes, I merely want to see a demonstration of talent."

"Lack of talent," I corrected.

"I want to see that for myself. Draw me a tire."

Just to humor him, I drew a donut, adding a valve stem and writing Goodyear along the rim for verisimilitude.

The drawing swelled larger and larger, expanding out of the paper. It nearly fell out of my hands and rolled down the street before I grabbed hold of it again.

Naturally, I had to use the tire jack and remove the flat tires to put on these rather suspicious looking ones. Whiskers suggested I also draw a tire jack, but I thought that would be taking this a little too far.

I drew three more tires, embellishing them with patches and candy sprinkles and a crude imitation of the Michelin Man as a joke.

The tires actually worked. They suspended the car, even withstood me kicking them. "I still think this is a bad idea. But it seems to be working..."

We got back in the car, and drove a few blocks.

The car crashed down on the pavement in front of a janitorial supply company and an abandoned Blockbuster.

I looked out the window. "The tires are gone."

"Try singing a song," said Cupcake.

Rolling my eyes, turned on my CD player and sang along to Mystery Walk by Omar and the Howlers.

At first, it did nothing, but then, a couple minutes into the song, the car rose up off the pavement.

The drive got even smoother as we went through the rest of my mix CD, especially Abba's Eagle's Serenade, you know, because of my passenger.

In fact, my car actually grew feathers, as did the tires, which should have screwed up the traction, but didn't.

We arrived at dad's old place a couple minutes later.

Of course, the car collapsed on the driveway the moment I turned off the car.

I really didn't want to knock on the door, but Whiskers did, several times.

Cupcake assembled her magical staff.

"The pot's not mine!" a muffled voice yelled from behind the door. "I don't know how it got in the car! I swear!"

"That's what you get for knocking like a policeman," I muttered.

Greg must have looked through the window or something, for then the door cracked open, I found myself being yelled at. "I thought I told you not to come back here!"

Cupcake turned him into a woodpecker.

"Stop that!" I cried.

Whiskers changed the guy back to normal. "Our apologies, sir. We're trying to save the world."

Greg just gawked at us, struggling to find an adequate response.

Whiskers took out a little computer, following a glowing diagram to the back of the building.

It wasn't a big basement, and there was junk all over the place, broken bicycles, boxes of old clothing, broken guitars, picture frames, used art supplies, vinyl LP's that would have been valuable, had they not been in such poor condition, and a collection of Dane's art in a variety of media.

Whiskers led us across the concrete floor. He stopped in the middle.

"Aha! There it is! Still secure in its hiding place!"

He pulled out a pair of chairs that looked like discards from a bar. "Now we wait."

We just sat there, staring at each other.

I'd say this was pretty much a wasted day, from the moment I left Cool World to now, and it wasn't getting any less pointless.

Cupcake sat down in my lap, rubbing her body against me. Sneezer, in the meantime, just sat in his chair, giving me this look like he were expecting me to turn into the rat at any moment.

"So, uh, Whiskers," I said. "Did you draw all that weird shit all over that hotel room? The cat eating the mouse, the juggler and all that?"

The professor frowned. "I...may have. That room was supposed to be sealed."

"So you made the spikes, and Cool World."

"It was an experiment, with unforeseen consequences. I believe Cool World existed long before my tests, but our worlds weren't in communication until we detonated the experimental weapon."

"Can any of this be reversed? Like the spikes, for example?"

"Not without destroying everyone and everything in Cool World, including your sister." He dug an abstract painting out of a box, staring at it absently. "I'm over one hundred years old. The spikes are the only thing keeping me alive and healthy. You can understand why I would be hesitant to end this."

"So how are we supposed to stop these things if we can't reverse their power?"

"I believe returning them to where they belong is a step in the right direction."

"But what happens if someone else comes along and removes them again?"

"I have been studying this matter for decades, but it is difficult without an actual Spike to examine."

"Perhaps this will help." Cupcake spun her staff upside down, slamming the tines into the concrete.

A crack appeared in the floor around it, spreading out, expanding into dozens of spiderweb cracks.

"What are you doing!" Whiskers cried in alarm.

Cupcake picked up a shovel, tossing aside pieces of concrete. "What does it look like?"

"No!" Whiskers cried. "The Spike must remain where it is!"

Cupcake picked up the trident, pointing it at his head.

"I'm sorry, professor. I'm going to have to disagree with you on that."

The staff flashed, transforming Whiskers into a tiny green bird with glasses, flittering around the room in a state of nervous agitation.

Sneezer made no protest, but I certainly had one of my own.

"Hey!" I shouted.

Cupcake aimed her staff at me. "My king. Although I love to admire your handsome physique, I must warn you that if you impede my mission in any way, I'll shrink you to the size of a golf ball."

I froze, and for a few moments, I just anxiously stood and watched her toss aside chunks of concrete, uncovering a glowing head piece.

Trembling with excitement, the bird creature knelt down, placed her paws on the object, and her whole body exploded in glowing light.

When my eyes focused, she wasn't a bird at all, but a green demonic serpent creature, similar to a dragon.

Still in the same costume.

Still kind of cute.

"You're not Cupcake at all, are you?" I said.

The reptile grinned. "I was wondering how long it would take for you to notice! But I did spend several days studying her mannerisms and behavior patterns.

"At first, I really didn't get what was so appealing or sexy about you, but after a few memory probes, I found the motivation." She let out a happy sigh, like she were relieved at finally getting all that off her chest.

"So...you really are a clone from...whatever it is."

"Kral," she corrected.

I shook my head. "You know, I used to think that diapers were a turn off, but I think your lying is far worse."

Instead of getting offended or ashamed or something, she only asked, "So you do like diapers."

"I knew it!" Sneezer said.

"It sounds like we're going to have lots of fun back at the royal nest!"

The reptile picked at the Spike with the shovel, trying to pull it out of the ground.

I picked up the handlebars of a bicycle, just the handlebars, brandishing them like a bat. "I'm sorry, Cupcake, or whoever you are. I can't let you take the Spike."

She turned the trident on me. "I'm taking the Spike and that's final."

I didn't reply, I just marched closer, waving the handlebars threateningly.

"You don't want to do that, Drew. You really don't. I have a magic staff. What do you have? A piece of bent aluminum?"

I charged at her, swinging it at her head.

In one quick motion, she knocked the handlebars out of my hand with the staff, and then the trident was pointing in my face.

"Hey! That's my rat girl!" Sneezer shouted.

I looked up just in time to see a distressed copy of Harry Winkler's debut album knocking the evil clone in the side of the head like a Frisbee.

Seizing my chance, I grabbed the staff.

The clone whipped it out of my hand before I could do anything.

I saw a flash, then my body shank smaller and smaller and smaller.

A large green hand grabbed me, and I found myself being shoved into my enemy's cleavage.

She got Sneezer a second later.

I could only watch helplessly, from her bra, as she yanked the Spike out of the floor, causing a stream of black ooze to come gushing out of the ground.

With Spike in hand, she marched upstairs, to destroy the world.