Drew
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Evil Cupcake turned Dane's boyfriend back into a bird, marching out the front door.
From there she strolled up the sidewalk, waving her trident and singing that Feed the Birds song from Mary Poppins, the points of her weapon shooting waves of white energy through passing cars and pedestrians, causing wrecks as drivers fluttered out car windows or flapped against the glass.
"Feed the birds...Tuppence a bag..."
I pushed my way out from between her breasts, flying around her head. "Cupcake, you have to stop this! It's not right!"
She frowned at me. "And to think, I was about to turn you into a handsome muscular young birdman with a large penis."
I swallowed. "You were?" I shook my head. "You have to turn these people back to normal!"
"Now Drew," she said. "You clearly are in no position to boss me around. In fact, if you keep buzzing around my head like a pesky little insect, I shall be forced to stick you inside my panties until you roll into my intimate regions, and your whole world starts smelling like tuna."
"Forget it, Drew," I heard Whisker Bird saying as he flew beside me. "She's not going to listen to reason. This isn't your Cupcake."
"Actually, she never was `my Cupcake,' and she didn't listen to reason, even when she wasn't an evil twin."
"That's unfortunate."
I flew away from the bird queen clone, gesturing for him to follow.
"What do you suggest we do?" I whispered.
"It's difficult to say. She is channeling the power of the Spike into her weapon. In these wimpy bird forms, we haven't a chance!"
"I heard that!" Evil Cupcake shouted.
She pointed at a tree. "You two. Carve me the image of the Planter's mascot! Now!"
All of a sudden, I lost control of my body. I was essentially a woodpecker, drilling away at a painfully solid oak tree. Already I could see the tophat forming.
"Drew...While you are mindlessly carving that monocle and that trademark nose and mouth, I want you to think about something. It doesn't have to be this way.
"By releasing C.C. Knicknocker's entire avian workforce, you singlehandedly destroyed my only competitor in the industry of wooden goods. For this you deserve my deepest thanks, and a seat as company vice president.
"I understand how you don't like the idea of being Bird King. I don't like being Bird Queen much, either. But we both like getting rich, and being big shot company executives. Am I right or am I right?"
It seemed she released me from her spell just long enough to answer the question.
I whimpered yes. What else was I supposed to say?
"With this Spike," she said. "I don't need to resort to cruel methods to get my birds to do my bidding. I can make them carve grandfather clocks or Michelangelo's David with just a wave of my hand.
"And you, my pet, can rule this wooden empire by my side. All you have to do is be a little more supportive, and maybe finish what we started in your apartment."
"You may think your methods are more humane," I said, "But you're really no better than Miss Terious. You've just made the bullies and the whips invisible."
"Insolent pig!" she screamed, making a stabbing gesture at the oak.
My beak slammed into the bark like a jackhammer, carving out a stylized monocle.
00000000000
Jessica
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I glared at Hitler as he readied the gun to fire through my boyfriend's head.
Deprived of both Spikes, the man was real now, and looking very old. He still moved like a cartoon viper, but his face looked wrinkled and cracked as the dirt around my apartment.
"Let him go," I said.
"Nien! You give me both Spikes, and maybe I won't kill your boyfriend."
I wished I could just whip out a Batarang or shoot him with Superman's eye lasers, or maybe have some random cameo character pop out of nowhere to save me, but it wasn't happening. I'd have to figure this one out on my own.
Suddenly struck by an idea, I pointed four fingers at a spot on the ceiling. "See that?"
Hitler stared at me. "Vas?"
I pointed again, this time at some gear thingy that opened the ceiling. "This?"
He nodded. "Yah. I see it. Why?"
I pointed at the giant death ray with a vague salute. "See that?"
He rolled his eyes. "Yah. Vast is where you must return both Spikes."
I pantomimed hail falling from the sky. "See hail?"
He frowned in puzzlement, so I did it again.
"See hail?"
And then he got it.
Without thinking, he raised his hand in a cheerful salute. "Sieg heil!"
I responded by shooting his gun wielding hand.
Misty's marksmanship, I suppose.
"I told you cartoons weren't good for you!" I laughed.
Hitler screamed and turned his gun on me, but as he was doing this, I actually saw my baby leap from the carrier around Chad's stomach, clawing and biting the little Bavarian in the face.
Isosceles is really tenacious. I think he takes after his mother. Hitler's nose ended up looking like bloody hamburger.
The man's weapon clattered to the floor. Chad quickly snatched it up.
Picking up a real Smith and Wesson, I rubbed my baby between the ears. "That's really good, honey, but now it's mommy's turn."
I picked my boy up with one arm, stomping Hitler's neck with my high heeled boot.
The aged dictator reached for a knife on his belt, but I was quicker, firing round after round into his skull.
I pretty much used every bullet in the gun.
Killing the most evil man in history? Not as satisfying as I had originally thought. Maybe I did it wrong, I don't know.
"Can we...go home now?" Chad asked me.
I sighed. "I know Misty is dead, but she wanted this thing completed, and I do too, if only to see what it does."
I paused. "Also, I think we haven't scoured for local talent enough here. We've got to appease the Blaster."
All of a sudden, I discovered I wasn't alone in my own head.
Jessica, Misty's voice said to me. "I need to take over your body now."
"What!" I cried in alarm. "What? No!"
"Is there a problem?" Chad asked. Of course he couldn't hear her.
"I'm sorry," Misty said. "I didn't have time to explain this properly before, but we're sharing now. You got to use your body with my powers for awhile, and now it's my turn!"
"No, Misty! You can't! It's my body!"
"Jessica. I'm going to have to insist."
A chitinous visor dropped over my eyes.