When I came out the other side of the mirror, I found I had company. First, a chunky feline in a Sargent Pepper uniform stumbled out, then Jessica's eyepatch guy, obviously humanized by the sex act...with a mutant baby.

And then Whiskers somehow found a way to tag along.

The mirror was in a bedroom, but not Dane's bedroom. It was also a mess, but in a different way.

I saw Pringles cans, condom boxes, empty boxes of Cheez Its, jeans and socks and underwear on the floor, piles of fliers for obscure rock bands, a Ouija board, and a bunch of drug related paraphernalia, from bongs to cannabis t-shirts.

Fat Cat picked up a flier, frowning at it. "Are any of these new?"

I flew over to the paper, shredding it in my claws. "No. I'm absolutely certain of that."

"That sure explains a lot. We tried to go to some of these places and kidnap musicians, but they were never there, or the venue was out of business."

"Serves you right for trying to get up to date information from a slob's bedroom."

"Well, mostly we were watching the slob have sex."

"That's really pathetic," I said.

Whiskers Bird shook his head. "The transmogrifier should be downstairs."

"Yeah. Let's go. The smell is making me sick to my stomach."

The weird looking baby was crying.

"I felt like crying too, the moment I saw this mess."

I glanced up at the thing carrying the baby. "So. You're Jessica's boyfriend."

"We are engaged," he said proudly.

I rolled my eyes. "I'm guessing you slept together."

"Is it that obvious?" Mr. Eyepatch said.

"What's your name?"

He told me it was Chad Buckthorn.

"That sounds like a character from Watership Down."

His answer was, "Who?"

"Never mind. What is that thing you're carrying around?"

"His name is Isosceles. He is my baby."

"You and Jessica, I'm assuming."

"Yes."

I felt a twinge of jealousy, but then decided the baby was hideous. Maybe it was better that I did sign those papers.

"There are several more at Misty's base. Would you like one?"

I shuddered. "No...that's...all right."

Then I frowned. "You call her Misty?"

"She and I are friends."

"She tried to kill me."

"You should not get on her bad side."

"I'm thinking Jessica must have picked you for your looks," I said. "Because you're a bit lacking in the brain department."

Chad reddened. "Perhaps it is you, not I, that is lacking in brains."

"Perhaps I should shove one of these ceramic bongs up your nostril," I growled.

"We need to make haste," Whiskers scolded. "Squabble later."

"Right."

The house was as messy as it had been before. I expected Greg to have devoted all his energies to lighting up a bong in bird form, but we found him in his normal body, plucking chords on a guitar.

"Ooh!" Fat Cat whispered to me. "I've got to bring this guy to Master Blaster! He'd make a perfect musical slave!"

"I don't know. He works at Auto Zone. I'm thinking he's not the best musical slave you can find."

Fat Cat shrugged. "Master Blaster wanted me to start finding new never before seen acts. This would be perfect."

"Swell. But could you please find that transmogrifier thing for us first?"

Greg paid no attention to us. He was singing some song or another that he made up. I wasn't impressed.

"What does this thing look like?" Fat Cat asked. "The...transiwhatsit?"

"There!" Whiskers pointed his feathers at the couch.

I saw the gun sticking out beneath a pile of supermarket fliers, takeout menus, bills and napkins.

A second later, the Land of the Lost Stuff chose that moment to acquire a new treasure, dark octopus tentacles wrapping around it.

"Oh no you don't!" I shrieked, beating it with my wings and clawing at it with my feet.

Whiskers joined me in the endeavor.

When Fat Cat rushed to our aid, Greg snatched the gun away. "Ah-ah-ah. I'm tired of cartoon...things busting in my door and taking what they want. You want this anti-birdie gun? You're going to have to do something for me first."

"Name it."

"My girlfriend is still missing, and I want her back."

"I can't help you. She likes Cool World too much. She doesn't want to come back."

"It ain't my problem. It's yours. Bring me my girlfriend, and we'll talk."

"I can take you to Cool World," said Fat Cat. "You can be together there. All you have to do...is...kinda sorta be Master Blaster's musical slave forever."

Greg stared at him. "You mean, like a permanent gig?"

"Uh, yeah."

"How much does it pay?"

Fat Cat frowned. "Well..."

"Not interested."

Fat Cat punched him in the crotch and stole the gun. Before the man could recover, the cat shot me and Whiskers with the ray, and we returned to our normal selves.

"Sorry about that," Fat Cat said. "My offer still stands. Become our musical slave, and you'll see your girlfriend. I can't promise any pay, but we'll give you room and board."

Greg stared at him for a long time, then sighed. "Fine. All right. It's a solid gig, and I get to go to cartoon land to see my girlfriend. Lead the way."

"Excellent! I'll take you there at once!"

Greg took the cat's paw, looking like a parent from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory being led to the juicing room by an Oompaloompa.

I turned to follow them, but Whiskers said, "Wait. We should turn the other humans back to normal."

"That's not going to matter. Not as long as that thing has the Spikes."

Whiskers sighed. "You're right. Let's go back."

I rushed up to Greg's bedroom, but when I got there, I found the mirror had been smashed to bits, Fat Cat cowering nearby, looking miserable.

"Seven years bad luck," I muttered.

"I pushed him through," Fat Cat said. "And then something happened. There was glass flying everywhere! How are we going to get home now?"

"I don't know. We'll figure out something."

"I suppose we'll have to walk," Whiskers said.

And so we all left the house through the front door.

Outside was a mess. Cars overturned, crashed over curbs, windows broken, stores lightened of merchandise, trash cans knocked over, garbage spilled all over the place.

Whiskers immediately set about firing the transmogrifier at every bird he could, which was great when they were actually animated. When they were real regular birds, they just became cartoony and really confused.

He really had his work cut out for him. People fell from the air, painfully at times, others staggering, with woozy steps, out of their cars.

He got a bit carried away with it, not noticing he had demons stomping around him. He ran up ahead before I could stop him.

A blue-black demon hand clamped around the little guy's neck, lifting him off the ground. Another claw snatched his device away, and a cloven hoof smashed it to pieces.

"Whiskers!" I yelled, running to his aid.

My face had a toucan beak now, but the rest of me was normal, like a kid on a Fruit Loops commercial. I wasn't sure if it were due to the power of the transmogrifier being destroyed, or just me being a half doodle, but I did know that the professor needed help, so I punched the demon in the stomach and kicked him.

The creature just laughed and grabbed me around the throat, grinning and chuckling evilly as it looked at me.

"Bold move, Bird King!"

I grabbed at the demon's claws and swung my feet, trying to kick him, but to no avail. I became light headed, stars blinking before my eyes from lack of air.

All of a sudden, I saw a flash, and a big black rectangular shape erupted from one of the many glowing pentagrams.

At first, when I saw the fender, wheels and chassis, I thought it was the guy from Evil Dead, but no.

It was the Cat-Illac. With a brand new paint job...involving skulls.

Incidentally, someone had also nailed a number of skulls to the shell, weird looking monster skulls that looked like demons or goats with alien eyes.

A female cat in a ripped wedding dress made out of animal skins, with head wreath woven from blinking alien jungle plants, and a squat little cat dressed like a Viking popped out of the car.

"Put the Bird King down!" the Viking shouted.

"Riffraff?" I gasped.

My captor just laughed at him. "You going to stop me, squirt?"

"Me and some friends," he said.

My sister hopped out of the back seat, clad in a weathered leather bikini, boots, and a mantle of white animal fur. She still had on the bunny ears.

She pointed a chrome plated gun at the demon, a gun that looked like Snoopy. A Desert Beagle, I supposed. "Let go of them now!"

Then Dane, dressed in a replica of the costume Tina Turner wore in Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome, stood up, aiming her rifle. "Drop the tax man! Now!"

000000000

Jessica

000000000

The bird twirled her staff, knocking Misty to the floor.

Deciding enough was enough, I picked up a gun and aimed it at her blue fuzzy head.

I didn't realize she brought help.

The moment I clicked back the hammer, a white figure knocked me to the floor. The gun went off, accidentally shattering a mirror.

I stared at my attacker, a mouse with a glowing club, dressed in a fur vest and a loincloth.

Oddly familiar, and kind of cute.

"Sneezer?"

"Hey," he said. "Aren't you that girl that was going to do it with Drew?"

I grinned. "I might have at one point..."

I ran my finger up his chest. "...But I really have a thing for doodles."

I pulled him close and kissed him.

When he kissed back, I snatched away his club, knocked him to the floor, and beat him unconscious. I could tell because doodles always have a big pointy hump poking out of their head when you do it right.

Then, for good measure, I threw him through a random mirror.

"Sneezer!" Cupcake cried, momentarily forgetting the battle.

Taking advantage of the situation, Misty picked up a staff from what looked like a scifi cartoon, knocking the bird across the face.

Cupcake stumbled backwards, but she regained her bearings, and returned with a flurry of spinning staff attacks.

I picked up the gun again, trying to stop her, but she barked, "Attack!" and all those weird birds came flapping at me.

I fell backwards through a mirror, landing on a dusty hotel floor.

The mirror toppled over sideways, the glass shattering. "Guess I'm not going back that way."

A white body jumped on my stomach, and I was again looking into two beady black dabs of paint.

"Now." His loincloth rubbed against me. "Where were we?"