A/N: hello all! I know that it's been forever. Hopefully you are all doing well and hanging in there throughout this difficult time. My original plan was to write a "fix-it" extension for season 5 but, quite frankly, I disliked season 5 so much that it was difficult to get inspired. So, instead, you are getting an AU story where I took broad liberties with pretty much everything. This first chapter is a little heavy (see the trigger warning) but I promise you a happy ending (eventually...) and hope that you will stick with me. xoxo - tmtcltb.
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Chapter 1 - Memories
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"And there she is! The woman of the hour - one of the Vaccine Six herself!"
Commander Kara Foster took a sip of her drink, before allowing Bryson Wells to draw her from the bar towards the small knot of people standing in the middle of the crowded ballroom. Not that she was particularly interested in talking to the Alabama Senator, but the man had been a staunch supporter of the restructured military since his election two years ago, and therefore was not someone that Kara could risk offending.
"I don't believe that you have met my wife, Addie."
As Addie reached out to grasp Kara's hand between both of hers, Kara was uncomfortably aware of the tears shinning in the other woman's eyes. "I can't tell you what an honor it is to meet you. I don't know if Bry has ever told you, but our son Travis was on death's door when the cure arrived. He was our last child. I don't know what I would have done if... Well, anyway, none of us would be here without you."
"Amen." Bryson Wells wrapped his arm around his wife's shoulders and Kara felt a spark of compassion for the man who annoyed her more often than not.
"I was only doing my duty for my country, the same as you, Senator," she demurred, the words rolling off her tongue smoothly. Idly Kara wondered when she had come to be so comfortable in the sphere. Circling the room with the Navy Metal of Honor pinned to her dress uniform. Chatting up senators and foreign diplomats and celebrities with enough clout to be invited to the President's anniversary ball. The Navy's go-to person when it came to obtaining critical support or supplies, the person behind the scenes who always got it done, the woman with the connections.
"Duty or no duty, I doubt many people would have volunteered to be deliberately injected with the Red Flu," Senator Wells replied, earning himself a round of nods. And all Kara could do was smile politely, accepting the unwelcome praise graciously and wishing that she had something far stronger than sparkling water in her cup.
xxxxx
She woke with a start, every inch of her body throbbing, the agony unbearable. Then Danny's face swam into focus through layers of protective gear, and despite the sweat pouring off her, Kara felt a chill. There was only one reason why Danny would be here.
Noticing that her eyes were open, Danny leaned forward, gently cradling his hand between his. "Please don't leave me, Kara. Please."
A vague sense of deja vu suggested that this was not their first time having this conversation, but Kara brushed away the thought, instead reaching a trembling hand up to the plastic that covered Danny's face, wishing that she could touch him one last time. "It's okay. You'll be okay."
His head bowed, eyes closing. "I can't do this alone."
"Yes, you can. You will. You don't need me." She was fading again, her eyes closing involuntarily as her body began to shake.
His hands tightened on hers. "I love you, Kara."
She never knew if the next words made it past her lips. "I love you, too."
xxxxx
Drawing the conversation with the Wells to a close, Kara circulated through the room, shaking hands and exchanging pleasantries, but never lingering. Her role as one of the survivors of the successful vaccine trial mandated that she appear tonight. The failure to do so would be noted, and annoying the sitting president was generally something to be avoided. But despite the jovial tone of the evening, Kara had to force the smile to her lips. Tonight, the five year anniversary of Doctor Scott's successful vaccine trial and the development of the cure, was an evening of celebration. But for Kara, tonight was also the reminder of a much more private loss.
And if that was the reason she abruptly ducked into the restroom to avoid a certain hazel-eyed, sandy-haired Navy SEAL, so be it. She was entitled to a moment to gather herself. So she could stop thinking. Stop remembering. Stop wishing...for things that could never be.
xxxxx
The cramping - incessant, unending cramps that had her curling up into a ball - started three days after administration of the cure. But from the moment that Danny told her that she was pregnant, his eyes shining with some combination of relief and happiness, Kara had known that she would never hold her baby. Never even know if it was a boy or a girl. That even if, for a nanosecond, she had held life within her, that life was long gone. Burned up and attacked and destroyed, a final victim of the Red Flu.
As the others began to recover, they took turns sitting with her when Danny was elsewhere. Holding her hand. Talking to her. Telling her stories. Kara learned that Rick had never met his father, the man taking off before he was even born. She discovered that Tex had a child, a daughter who he hadn't seen for years, although he rattled off her pre-pandemic GPA with pride. Andrea revealed her own losses, four in all prior to Lily, her practical knowledge of what was happening to Kara's body unexpectedly reassuring. Even Russ shared a few memories of his daughters. In a way, Kara's loss bound them together more solidly than the trial itself.
But slowly each was released, until only Kara remained, waiting for Doctor Scott to run the final tests, to confirm what she already knew.
"I'm so very sorry." The woman's eyes glittered with unshed tears. "I'll give you a few minutes alone."
Next to her, Kara could see Danny rubbing at his face, eyes red and puffy. Yet all she could do was stare at the bulkhead, wondering what it meant that she was the only one who hadn't cried.
xxxxx
After taking a moment to splash water on her cheeks, Kara exited the bathroom, relieved to note that Danny was nowhere in sight. Instead, she spied Andrea Garnett and Tex Nolan standing with Mike and Christine Slattery, apparently discussing the difficulty in obtaining a babysitter for the most desirable event of the year.
"How is Liam?" Kara inquired, still somewhat bemused by the relationship between her mentor and the Nathan James' favorite hitchhiker, who could best be described as a loose cannon.
"Teething," Andrea replied, sighing. "Kat agreed to keep him for the night. Bless that girl. We booked a room here at the hotel in order to take advantage and get some sleep."
The way Andrea stressed the last word left no doubt that Tex had alternative plans. Kara suspected that he would get his way. As part of Sasha Cooper's team, Tex was gone more often than he was home and, although the engineer said little, Kara knew that Andrea missed her husband.
Christine Slattery laughed. "I don't miss those days. The twins are finally sleeping through the night and there is no way I am starting over again. Although teenagers do have their moments. Last week Shaylyn asked if we would let her get a nose ring."
That drew a flurry of laughter. Following their return from the Arctic, Mike and Christine had decided to make up for lost time, and were now the parents of four girls, including three-year-old twins. At seventeen, Shaylyn, their oldest, was apparently pushing every boundary. Mike took a swig of his beer. "I have to give her credit. She put together an entire presentation explaining why she should be allowed to make her own decisions and express herself in appropriate ways."
"So you agreed?" Kara inquired, bemused by the idea of Slattery being bamboozled by his teenage daughter.
"Hell no," Mike sputtered. "So long as she lives in my roof, there will be no piercing or tattooing or anything of the sort."
After a few more minutes of chatter, the group split, each knowing their role tonight. Mike, along with Tom and Russ, were on the hook for speeches. Tex, Andrea, and Kara were spared that requirement but, as members of the Vaccine Six, as the media had dubbed them, they were expected to shake as many hands as possible.
No matter how painful that requirement might be.
At least Tex and Andrea had each other. It was true that Sasha Cooper was a taskmaster, her team constantly flitting from hot spot to hot spot, but somehow they never failed to make it home for the ball. Eyes drifting towards the front of the room, where Admiral Chandler stood with his wife, Kara wondered whether Tom was really the one who made the decision to recall the team, as was the official party line, or if Sasha simply made it happen. According to Tex, Sasha had no problem disobeying orders that she found unnecessary, especially when those orders happened to be coming from her husband. Either way, Kara was thankful that, tonight, Andrea wasn't alone.
Hours passed before the crowds finally began to thin, and Kara made her way towards a familiar group of uniforms. She had seen Tex and Andrea sneak out the doors thirty minutes earlier and - despite Andrea's exaggerated yawns once the clock hit midnight - Kara doubted that they were sleeping. Hooking her arm through Carlton's, she leaned her head against his shoulder, once again cursing her height, or lack there of, and the need for three inch heels.
"Long night, baby girl?" Carlton teased, but his arm snaked around her to pull her closer to his side. Providing the comfort, the support, that she so sorely needed.
xxxxx
"You don't have anything to prove, Kara."
Kara continued folding - or to be honest, re-folding - her clothes, wishing Carlton would go annoy someone else. "Yes. I do."
"Nobody cares about that shit with Green," he continued doggedly.
She ignored that, recognizing bullshit when she heard it. "You put your name in, didn't you?"
Carlton shuffled. "It's different."
"Why?"
He paused. "Because there are 218 people on this ship and 199 them are men. Doctor Scott wants three men and three women. You do the math."
Kara finally glanced up, seeing the strained look on Carlton's face, realizing that this was his awkward, exasperating, but endearing way of showing how much he cared. "I know. But...I have to do this, Carlton. You know that."
She could see the conflict on his face, and then he nodded, reaching forward to hook her into a sideways hug. "Just promise me that you'll be okay. Okay?"
Silently, Kara blinked back tears. Knowing that was a promise she could not make. Because she had done the math. Nineteen women. Four of whom were in essential positions, not eligible to volunteer. Six who had pre-existing conditions that excluded them from Doctor Scott's very exacting parameters. And, of the remainder, only one was a white women under thirty.
Kara wasn't putting her name into the draft. She was volunteering to go.
xxxxx
Kara sighed, eyes closed. "My feet are on fire and the Speaker of the House felt me up in front of his wife."
"He wouldn't," Eric Miller began sputtering, somehow the only sailor in the Navy who managed to hold onto that farm-boy innocence, only to be cut off by a gravelly voice that Kara knew only too well.
"He totally would. Everyone knows that Hamilton is a pig."
Eyes popping open, Kara found herself staring directly at Commander Daniel Green. He nodded, his eyes piercing her as though searching for the answer to an unspoken question. But tonight she was too tired, too emotionally worn, to figure it out. Closing her eyes again, Kara fought to keep her breathing steady. As though Danny were no different than any other man here tonight, as though she hadn't spent the entire evening dreading this very moment.
xxxxx
"You're early." His voice rumbled against her ear, the only warning she had before his arm slid around her waist, pulling her back against him.
"You're late," she retorted without heat, eyes closing as his lips began a slow decent to her neck. One hand held her hip, as the other one slid under her shirt. Her head fell backwards onto his shoulder and she pressed her bottom against him more firmly, feeling more than hearing the resulting hiss.
"I'll have to make it up to you. Any suggestions of how?"
His hand rested on her stomach for the briefest of moments before sliding north to cup her breast, thumb grazing her nipple at the exact moment his lips hit her collarbone. She gasped, body arching, already aching for more.
Kara whirled, wrapping an arm around his neck. "I might have an idea or two."
"Oh yeah?" He brushed his lips across hers, the teasing touch driving her insane.
Slipping a hand between them, Kara managed to unzip his pants, enjoying the way Danny jerked as her fingers slid inside. "Oh yeah."
xxxxx
Forcing herself to focus on the present, Kara turned to the willowy blonde standing next to Danny, his arm looped casually around her back. "Laura, how are you tonight?"
"I suppose you get used to these events after a while, but I'll admit that I'm dead on my feet," Laura replied with a slight laugh.
"I don't think today could ever feel normal." The words - too real, too honest - slipped out.
"Of course, I'm sorry." Laura rushed, her eyes darting between Danny and Kara. Because she knew. Of course she knew. Everyone here did. Even Courtney must know, Rick certainly having told her at some point. "I didn't mean to suggest..."
And that was the problem with Laura wasn't it? Even if Kara did want to dislike the woman - and, really, why would she? - Laura was just too damn nice. A third grade teacher who lost her husband during the first stages of the Red Flu, she was the perfect Navy girlfriend. A partner to keep the home fires burning while Danny traveled. A companion to join him at official events. Someone to drop off homemade cookies for the team. And never, not once, had Laura ever been anything but kind to Kara.
xxxxx
Danny buried his face in her hair, shoulders shaking. She squeezed him as tight as she could, her own eyes empty.
"I could picture her."
The words were a surprise and Kara pulled back. "Wha..."
"The baby. I could see her. I even had a nickname picked out. Jellybean."
As a nickname, it lacked originality, but something about the fetus having a name broke through Kara's detachment. Her voice cracked. "Danny, I can't...I can't even think about that..."
"Shhhh." He pulled her back to him. "I know. I know..."
Breathing shallowly, almost gagging, Kara fought the urge to vomit as the truth hit her like a punch.
She hadn't just killed her baby.
She had killed his.
xxxxx
"Please, don't apologize. I'm simply tired. It's been a long night." Kara kept her gaze firmly on Laura and away from Danny. Pretending that she couldn't see the way his jaw shifted, teeth grinding together, arms folded across his chest.
Courtney reached for her husband's hand. "I'm thankful that I can be here tonight to support Rick and to remember Maya's sacrifice."
Carlton raised his glass, and they all drank. "To Maya."
"No Stephan tonight?" Courtney inquired a moment later. With anyone else, Kara would have been annoyed by the question. But between Eric's naïveté and Courtney's own natural optimism, they tended to view all of Kara's boyfriends as permanent additions.
She shrugged. Stephan had been an experiment in dating civilians. A political fixer, Alisha had suggested that he would be the perfect window dressing for Kara's career. And that had been fine, until Stephen started hinting that window dressing required a wedding ring. "We aren't seeing each other anymore."
"Sorry it didn't work out." Danny spoke quietly, and there was something about his voice. As though she wasn't the only one struggling to keep the memories at bay.
xxxxx
"What?" He reached for her, but she pulled away, staring at a spot just past his shoulder.
"This is for the best, Danny."
"Saying that we should see other people is for the best?" He demanded, and she could feel his anger, hear it in his voice, see it in the way his hands balled into fists. But behind that was something else, something she refused to recognize. Something that made it hard to breathe. Something that made her want to throw herself into his arms and tell him that it was all a mistake.
Better to focus on his anger. "Things are too complicated."
He threw his arms in the air. "And what, breaking up helps that how?"
Her own temper erupting, Kara snapped back. "You should know. Remember Guantanamo?"
The silence stretched and stretched, and then Danny turned and left without another word.
xxxxx
Carlton snickered, drawing curious glances from the group. "Captain here named the EMATT after him. Apparently the guy tried to pretend that he was bigger than he really was."
Rick winced. "Oh, that's cold."
Kara rolled her eyes. The insult was meant to refer to Stephen's ego, but trust a man to assume that everything was about dick size. Apparently noticing Laura's confusion, Courtney enlightened her. "Kara and Carlton nickname things on the Nathan James after their exes. It is generally not complimentary." The slight disapproval in her voice was amusing, as close to a criticism as Kara had heard from Courtney.
"So what did she name after Danny?" Laura asked. Kara blinked, wondering if the woman was being snarky, but she looked so damn sincere.
Fortunately Carlton broke the awkward pause. "Off limits by mutual agreement. I already know waaaay too much about Green's dick." He cocked his head at Danny. "How long are you stateside?"
Danny took a moment too long to respond, as though his mind was elsewhere. But his voice was unruffled when he finally spoke. "The boss hasn't confirmed, but the plan is a couple weeks. Enough time for everyone to get some R&R."
Laura smiled brightly. "We have tickets to La Bohème next weekend. I'm just dying to see it."
"Oh! I love the opera," Courtney exclaimed. "And La Bohème is supposed to be amazing. Rick tried to get tickets but they sold out so quickly."
"See?" Laura swatted at her boyfriend. "I told you people like the opera! Anyway, if the team gets called up, you can be my date, Courtney. Let me get your number."
As the two women swapped cell phone information, Carlton leaned towards Kara, speaking quietly. "Only one reason for Green to attend the opera voluntarily."
Vaguely, Kara could hear Courtney and Laura discussing the performance, but the words felt very far away, muffled by the pounding of her own heart. There was no reason why she should care whether Danny proposed to Laura. Wasn't that what Kara wanted for Danny? A woman who would love him, take care of him, raise his children?
Do all of the things that Kara couldn't do?
xxxxx
He strode into her office without bothering to knock, as though they hadn't spent the last month avoiding each other. "You aren't shipping out with us?"
Kara opened the drawer to her right, pulling out a pen and lining it up perfectly with her notepad. Anything to avoid looking at Danny. "No."
"Why?"
"Doctor Scott hasn't cleared me." Damn. She hadn't meant to admit that.
"Wait, what? Everyone else is back." He sounded so confused, and she made the mistake of glancing up. God she had missed him. Even now, the sight of him glowering down at her made her want to throw her arms around him, to take back everything, to drown herself in him for as long as he would let her.
"My situation is different."
"Is something wrong?" He pressed, and she wanted to tell him everything. About the bleeding, the anemia, the constant exhaustion. Common side effects of a miscarriage, apparently. But even as the thought occurred, Kara knew that she wouldn't. She wouldn't put Danny through more than she already had.
She sat up straight. "Of course not. It just has to do with regulations. Besides, the Admiral needs help here and I volunteered."
xxxxx
"Carlton!" Kara moved just in time to avoid being flattened when Alisha flung her arms around Burk. "When did you get back?"
"Just yesterday." He chuckled. "So let's see that sparkler."
Without further prompting, Alisha displayed her ring, her free hand keeping a firm grip on her fiancé. Despite being relatively appropriately dressed, wearing something that looked vaguely like a tuxedo, Val seemed as out of place tonight as she always did at these events. It was a strange relationship, but no odder than others that Kara had seen flourish in the last five years. And after everything that she went through with Amy Granderson, Alisha definitely deserved some happiness.
"A toast!" Rick held up his glass. "To Alisha and Val, may today be the least happy day of the rest of your lives."
As the glasses clinked, Kara found her thoughts drifting to Danny. Wondering how long it would be before they were toasting Danny and Laura. Would he have a long or short engagement? A big wedding or small? Would the children appear immediately, or would they wait?
How long would it be until Danny had everything that she took from him five years before?
Because maybe then she would stop seeing the ghost of a towhead four-year-old with an impish smile every time he walked into the room.
xxxxx
"Are you sure?"
Kara's blood was pumping frantically through her veins, every cell shrieking at her to leave the tent. To tell Doctor Scott that she had changed her mind. To do anything and everything to escape. To live. But instead Kara held out her arm.
"I'm ready."
xxxxx
Kara lifted her glass to her best friend, hoping that nobody would notice the tears shimmering in her eyes. "Cheers."