Jessica

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Being animated is awesome. I seemed to have acquired combat skills I previously had not possessed.

When reptile lady came at me with her magic staff, I struck back. We got into an elaborately choreographed fight sequence. It was kind of cool.

"All right," I said as our staffs went crackety crack against each other. "Look. Snake lady. Maybe we got off on the wrong foot."

She swung at me and I blocked.

"We haven't been properly introduced. I don't even know your name."

"It's Flo."

I fought down a giggle. "I'm sorry."

I supposed this was why she turned to a life of crime.

For a moment, we seemed to be at a cease fire, or a truce, or whatever you call it when two staff wielding ninjas stop fighting.

"So...Flo. What's the big plan? Covering all the world's cars with bird poop so nobody can drive again?"

"No. But that's a great idea."

"So what are you doing with the spikes?"

"Oh? Just using their immense power to turn everyone in the entire world into my little cartoon bird servants."

I looked at her like she was crazy, which isn't hard to do. "Seriously?"

She whirled her trident around, pointing it at me. "Yeah."

Before I could defend myself, I saw a flash and found myself shrinking to the size of a baseball, growing a pair of feathery wings.

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Drew

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"You know," Dad said to me as we marched up the stairs. "Your mother and I always wanted to have a girl."

I was a female rat now, hence the strange topic of conversation. "That's great, dad. Really...great."

We could have taken the elevator, but, in addition to having too many people to fit in there, this way seemed faster, especially with me being mostly a doodle.

Dad, being part doodle, kept up with me, which was kind of annoying.

Chad, Dane and Amanda took the elevator, which was probably smarter. We'd see who beat who to the roof. Holli was with them, as was Cleo and Whiskers, but Riffraff and the Ninja Turtles trailed behind us, followed by my fuzzy brown `boyfriend'.

Harris and his spider pal had chosen to scale the side of the building. Before we went in, I heard them mentioning that there were `no clouds to worry about', whatever that meant.

I frowned, glancing at my companions. "What happened to Extra? Has anyone seen him and Mac Daddy?"

"Not a clue," Riffraff said. "The bird population started getting nutty the moment the queen was out of the picture."

Dad glanced back at the rat, who was doing surprisingly well for an old guy with a cane.

"You sure he didn't kiss your ass?"

I reddened. "I'm sure he'd like to try."

"I would also like to try...bondage," the rat said.

I laughed uncomfortably.

Dad chuckled. "All these noids and doodles to take down one bad guy. It really feels like overkill."

"Maybe," I said. "But she's already got four spikes and is going for another. Whatever we do, we're never going to be evenly matched."

"You got a point."

I turned human the last leg of the journey, slowing everybody down. I eventually turned into the rat and caught up, but it really did us no favors.

At long last, we stood in the top floor hallway of the hotel.

The moment we crossed the carpet, a big fat man in a sport coat and slacks saw us, wrinkling his forehead as he narrowed his eyes in confusion.

He appeared to be suffering from a hangover anyway, muttering incoherently as he stumbled past.

We rushed down the hallway, toward the wall of plywood that covered the demolished section of hotel. I once again turned fuzzy.

The elevator had beat us to the top floor. Dane, Amanda, Cleo, Holli, Whiskers and Chad already waited by the splintery (pun unintentional) boards.

Dane drew a chainsaw on the bumpy pieces of wood, muttering to herself as the others waited.

"I still think shooting it a few times would be just as fast," Amanda said.

"Maybe shooting with a doodle gun," Holli agreed. "With all the chaos going on outside, I'm sure no one would notice." She glanced at me. "Or cutting through it with a Kung Fu chop..."

"I hope Jessica is okay," Chad said. "Isosceles hasn't been fed lately. I'm a little worried."

"If I were you," Holli said. "I'd stay out of harm's way, and get your milk later."

Amanda rolled her eyes. "No, mom. If he were you, he'd leave the baby crying on the floor somewhere while he hatches some evil scheme."

Holli sighed. "Do we have to do this now?"

"You really think she got on the roof without going through the wall?" Dad asked.

"I don't see how things could look so spooky otherwise."

Amanda crossed her arms, giving her father a look that said, `Really, dad. Changing the subject much?' She puffed a rabbit ear in annoyance.

"I regret not bringing my tools along." Whiskers gave Holli an expectant glance.

"Don't look at me. I'm ninety percent human."

Whiskers frowned at Cleo. "And you don't have anything either?"

The bride shook her head. "I lost most of my fun stuff in the shadow realm."

From down the hall, I heard a voice shout, "Drew!" I got knocked against a wall by a white body in a loincloth and a furry vest.

"Oh, my sexy karate mouse," he breathed as he touched his muzzle to mine. "I knew you were in there somewhere, just waiting to come out!"

He wrapped his arms around me, sliding a paw around my buttocks as he kissed me wildly.

I tried to push him back, but my resolved weakened a little bit, and he kissed me deeper.

Master Splinter was not oblivious to all of this. I saw him clenching and unclenching his fists as he watched.

I met his gaze with both an apologetic `I'm sorry I'm cheating on you' and a 1Help me, please!' expression.

In a flash, the sensei whirled his cane and struck Sneezer with its end, hurling his loincloth wearing ass through the plywood barrier.

"Maybe you should kiss his ass," Dad muttered.

Splinter wiggled his eyebrows.

I glanced at the rat uncomfortably for a moment, then entered the professor's dusty old suite, looking around.

Someone, it seemed, had already gotten rid of the wall with an explosive. Seeing the enemy with the glowing staff on the rooftop beyond, I pointed a claw in that direction. "There!"

Splinter twirled his cane dramatically, then raised it above his head in a bold martial arts pose. "Hah!"

"Cowabunga!" I heard the turtles shout in unison, also brandishing weapons.

The half shelled heroes and rat stared at me expectantly, as if to say, `Your line.'

I blushed. "Um...YOLO?"

"YOLO!" they cheered in unison, charging out the hole with a flurry of weaponry.

"My king!" a voice cried as I followed after them.

Having suddenly reverted to a human being again anyway, I had paused near the damaged wall, waiting for my body to regain its animated form. As I did so, a hand grabbed my shoulder.

Surprised, I whirled around and found a blue bird staring back at me. "Cupcake? Is that really you? Or is this another evil clone?"

She shoved me down on the dusty bed, kissing me on the lips. "Would an evil clone do this?"

"Yes," I coughed, waving away a gray cloud. "I guess you don't care that these sheets haven't been changed since the Roosevelt administration."

Dad muttered something about it being exactly the wrong time for something like this. I couldn't agree more.

To my chagrin, Amanda, Dane and Whiskers came along shortly afterwards, giving their two cents.

"Not my idea!" I protested, but I'm not sure they believed me.

Behind the wall, I heard shouts, and the noise of weapons clattering and clanging together.

Cupcake straddled my hips with her legs, rubbing her body against me as she pulled off my shirt. "How about this? Would a clone do this?"

"Yes. She'd definitely do that."

All of a sudden, she stiffened, looking furious. "Did she?"

"Almost."

The shouts and clanging abruptly stopped, replaced by a chorus of angry chirps. I don't know what was going on, but Cupcake's focus was all on me, and she didn't seem to want to let go.

Outrage crept into Cupcake's voice. "But you had to know it wasn't me!"

"Not really. Not until she went crazy and stole the Spike."

"What! Another one?" That must mean there's..."

"Only one left," I finished. "We should go."

I heard a couple loud feline yowls as a flash of orange and white rushed past me, but that offensive also appeared to be short lived.

Dane, Holli and Amanda took up positions around the hole, firing shots. Whiskers dug in his safe.

A second later, Holli swore, lowering her gun. "She can stop bullets!"

"It's just like The Matrix!" Dane cried in amazement.

A second later, all those bullets came zinging back at us. Holli cried as one hit her in the shoulder. "Dammit, that hurt!"

While all this was happening, the real Bird Queen did nothing to help, busily kissing me, touching me, undoing my pants.

"Cupcake," I prompted. "Could you please stop? Now?"

The bird rubbed herself against my crotch. "I've been fantasizing about this for decades. It's almost a shame not to let things take their course..."

"Cupcake...This really isn't a good time."

She ignored my protest. "Sneezer and I were discussing your phobia about diapers. We both think you'd really enjoy them if you gave them a try."

"So it is you," I groaned. "Look. Can we discuss this later? When your evil twin isn't trying to turn the entire world into a giant C.C. Knicknocker factory?"

The birds eyes flashed a solid yellow. "She what!"

In a fury, she jumped from the bed, glaring out the hole in the wall.

"That whore! She stole my staff!"

"That explains a lot," I said as I pulled my shirt back on.

"That staff contains all the power and authority of the great Bird Kingdom. Transformation was supposed to be a gift unto the most worthy, the most deserving of all non-birds." The look she gave implied that she would have bestowed the favor on me.

"...And in some cases, punishment for those who were cruel to my subjects, so they could fully understand the bird plight."

"So we're screwed," I said.

She shook her head. "Although this severely limits my power, I am still the ruler of all birds."

She reached into her loincloth, pulling out a gold tiara with an image of Extra on its center, placing it on her head. "If the birds will not listen to me now, they never will."

She put her fingers to her temples, looking like she were smoothing out a headache.

Out on the rooftop, I could see Evil Cupcake swatting at four green parrots, a brown buzzard, and a strange looking blue-black raven.

"It's me, my subjects," Cupcake said in an echoing voice, rubbing her temples. "Gather your strength and fight this impostor."

The swarm of birds became agitated.

"Fight them. Resist. You are free as a bird. And this bird will never change."

"Skynard," I remarked. "Nice."

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Jessica

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Henry David Thoreau wrote a love letter to the thrush, extolling its beautiful singing.

The robin is a common but lovely songbird, one that can `outbop the buzzard and the oriole.'

Wrens, sparrows and finches also produce their own special kind of music.

I'm a hundred percent positive that Flo, in her long sordid history of avian enslavement, has never before heard the loud chirpings of the North American Bitch Bird.

Using all sorts of (no pun intended) foul language, I went Hitchcock on her ass, throwing everything my little bird body could muster into the attack.

It seemed Flo wasn't used to having disobedient pets trying to peck and claw her face off. For a few glorious minutes, I took her completely off guard, leaving her swinging her trident ineffectively at me like a fly swatter.

Flo raised her staff, concentrating really hard as she mumbled something at me.

My head got swimmy, like I'd had too many Jell-O shots, and I found myself flying toward the big sign with its exposed sparking wires.

I tried to fight, but the swimmy feeling pushed me closer and closer to danger.

Then the Ninja Turtles appeared, hollering as they made their bold charge at the enemy.

Okay, that's ridiculous, I thought. But not any more ridiculous than anything else I'd seen.

The distraction freed my mind from the force that held it like a vice, so I flew back for a second attack.

The turtles and their rat sensei were mighty, but Flo had all the spikes. She raised her staff, chanted something, and they all went flying back.

Splinter, Donatello, Michelangelo, Gauguin, Raphael, they all grew feathers and shrank to my size, flying around like a bunch of parakeets in a fog.

"Nice try," Flo laughed.

A minute later, I noticed two cartoon felines charging at her with Viking weapons. She made short work of them, too.

I heard gunshots. The real police department had arrived.

A bullet grazed Flo's leg, but she waved her trident at the shooters, and that was it.

I thought all was lost.

All this effort uncovering all the spikes, and I would end up stuck as a dumb little...whatever forever.

Since I could see no other way out of this, I decided to go back to my old standby, "If you can't beat them, join them, then beat them."

I flew up to the reptile with a pleasant smile plastered on my beak. "All right, Flo. You win. You can have the spikes."

"Good. Because you couldn't take them from me anyway."

Right. So, kinda pissing me off, but I didn't want to ruffle her feathers anymore. "Look. I'm sorry I cussed you out. I was, I don't know, stressed out from being changed into a bird.

"Now look, I'm the one who got all the spikes to begin with. I actually like the idea of conquering the world, even if I'm not the person doing the conquering. I really think a regime change is in order, and you seem to be the best choice."

"Why thank you." But then she opened her mouth, shooting a frog-like tongue into a cloud of birds. A pigeon disappeared down her gullet with a human sounding scream.

It seemed her agenda was making a giant bird buffet to supersize her own scaly ass.

Uh-oh, I thought. That's not good.

Still, maybe she wouldn't eat me if I played my cards right.

"So...um...is there any way...I can help you achieve your goal?"

"I'm good. But you're sweet for asking. Once I get this city taken care of, I promise I'll find a nice big cage for you to play around in, and we can talk some more."

"Wow," I said facetiously. "Thanks. I think we've really got a rapport going."

"Well you're the one that called me a bitch and hit me with your staff."

"I did say sorry. But I'll have you know I'm not your average human, or doodle. I'm not some peon that wants the world to go back the way it was so I can work at some low paying job at a tax office. I want to do something with the planet."

"I see you know Drew."

I laughed. "Small world."

"Did you two have sex?"

"No," I said with a grin. "Did you?"

"I got close, but someone stuck his checks all over a telephone pole, so we never got anywhere. It seems someone broke into his apartment and stole everything."

I snickered, covering my beak. "Oops!"

"Wait," she said. "You did that?"

"I consulted that. For Miss Terious. I'm a villain's consultant, and to be perfectly frank, you're not respecting my credentials."

Flo's hand suddenly shot out, clamping around my neck. "You sneaky conniving bitch! How dare you ruin my poor vice president with such cowardly underhanded scheming!"

"Now I know you're crazy," I gasped, my wings making pathetic attempts to pry the claws away. "You're conquering the world, and you're talking about making that weenie your vice president? And who is vice president over an entire world anyway?"

And then I heard Freebird.

A strange wave of power rushed through my body, allowing me to break Flo's grip by merely puffing my body outward. I flew to a safe distance. "Drew is very particular. What exactly did he see in you?"

"Besides thinking I was Cupcake?"

She suddenly turned into a cute little black chick. An actual person. "He likes to keep things real. He didn't know that I didn't need chemicals to look this way."

I nodded appreciatively. "I admit, you're no Holli Berri, but I bet that turns some heads."

"Now!" a voice yelled in my head.

Without meaning to, I feel my whole body swoop down and slam into her face.

Flo stumbled backwards, falling over the side of the building.

She reached out and gripped me by the throat as she fell, laughing in an evil sounding voice as she slowly strangled me.

When we had dropped a couple stories, Flo gave me a nasty grin, and a pair of leathery wings burst from her back.

She shot up in the air above the rooftop, one hand on the staff, the other on my throat.

"You know," I grunted. "You could probably wield that staff better if you stopped choking me."

"I can do both adequately well. Thank you very much."

Um, voice in my head? I thought really hard. I could really use your help right now!

`If this is who I think it is,' the voice said. `We are going to have a long talk when this is over.'

And then I saw her. Miss National Baby Farms.

She had a little tiara on her head, and she was doing that facial expression they do on Scanners.

`Boy am I glad to see you!' I thought. `A little help please?'

`Flo is strong,' the voice answered. `I will do what I can.'

That's when I saw Misty creeping up behind the bird queen, armed with a spear with an ugly looking serrated blade at the end, a real one, drawing back for the kill.

"Misty! No!" I shouted, but it was too late.

Misty's blade erupted from Cupcake's chest, causing the bird to spit up blood and collapse on the roof. Her crown rolled off her head, clattering on the tar and gravel surfacing.

"Misty...you idiot."