Drew

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It all happened so fast. One moment I see Cupcake donning a tiara and summoning birds, the next Miss Terious popped out of nowhere, running her through with a giant spear.

Remember that door Dane drew to get to Dad's place? It had swung open when Cupcake was doing her thing.

No. The other thing. Fighting the evil bird queen.

I tried to stop her, but I was human and `Misty' just knocked me aside with her spear, muttering something about Jessica not wanting me dead.

Sneezer tried to stop her too, but she slashed him across the chest, and in one quick movement, she shoved the nasty looking blade of her spear through Cupcake's back.

"No!" Sneezer cried. "My queen!"

Misty pulled the weapon out, casually throwing Cupcake to the floor as she stepped out on the roof to face down the reptile.

Since Sneezer's wounds weren't deep, he screamed and ran after her, but Misty just knocked him back.

The evil villainness picked up Cupcake's tiara, placing it on her head.

She transformed into a biomechanical hawk.

Sneezer tried to attack her, but I held him back. "The enemy of my enemy is my friend!" I hissed.

The mouse sighed, giving me a reluctant nod.

Sneezer and I rushed to Cupcake's side.

"No!" Sneezer cried. "My queen! You can't die!"

"I'm sorry, my good looking subject," she gasped. "I am mortally wounded."

She was actually dying. For real. I stared at her bleeding on the shingles, then at Sneezer.

"We were going to share a bed." The mouse began to weep. "All three of us. The Bird King, the Bird Queen, me...It's what kept her going all those days in the Shadow Realm."

"We were not!" I said.

Then, in a less insensitive tone, "I don't do threesomes."

I knelt down, gazing into the bird's eyes. "I'm sorry. I can't help but feel responsible for all of this."

"It's okay," she coughed. "It's not your fault. I would never blame you, my king."

"Drew," Sneezer said. "True love's kiss! It's the only way to save her life!"

"Oh yes please!" Cupcake said eagerly. "Oh yes!"

Sighing, I leaned in close, kissing Cupcake on the beak.

I thought it was fairly passionate, but my kisses didn't stop her from being mortally wounded.

I thought I saw her tiara glowing with unusual brilliance, like that's where the power went, but it could have been a coincidence.

Sneezer frowned. "Would it help if you had sex?"

"If only!" Cupcake coughed up blood. "I'm sorry. It's too late for me. But thank you for making me happy in my last moments."

She dug a ring out of her cleavage, offering it to me.

"Here. Put this on," she gasped.

"No way."

Then, noticing how heartbroken she looked, I said, "I know it might be your dying wish, but what if you come back to life and I'm stuck with a wife I'm not sure I want?"

Tears rolled down her cheeks. "Please, Drew. If you care anything for me at all, you'll do this for me."

I swallowed hard. "Okay. Fine. All right."

I slid the ring upon my finger, and I immediately felt a sort of energy rushing through me.

"It is the signet ring of the Bird Kingdom," she said. "I meant to give it to you...in a more romantic way, but..." She coughed up blood. "A noble heart will unlock the power of the ring."

Honestly, I don't know what was going on at the other end of the roof. I saw a big robot fighting the reptile. The robot looked like a cop, and it had Harris's voice. Whatever he did was working until Misty knocked him off the building. Then Dane made an appearance.

While I and the others had been huddling in the room, hiding behind a wall, Dane had been drawing a guitar, of all things. It all seemed pointless until the robot or someone knocked a spike out of the reptile's clutches, and they had dueling...guitars.

Harris got the bright idea of stabbing Evil Cupcake in the back, but she turned his Voltron sword back on him, and his robot was toast.

I caught a glimpse of something glowing on the robot's chest as Harris and Nails fell below and thought, `You used a spike for that?'

Now, Dane's `ax' was literally an `ax.' It was golden dwarf weapon with guitar strings. Dane swung this at (I think they said her name was Flo?) and took a chunk out of her stomach.

Flo roared and swung her own weapon, and I had a flashback of the grand finale from the first Highlander film, you know, that epic sword battle behind the giant sign on a rooftop.

Flo was animated and Dane wasn't, so she had an unfair speed advantage. Flo axed Dane in the leg, and my friend fell over backwards with a scream.

"Dane!" I yelled.

"I am doing what I can to restrain the birds!" I heard Misty shout. "You must stop her!"

"Wait!" I yelled. "You killed Cupcake! Why the hell should I trust you?"

"The enemy of my enemy is my friend?"

Oh.

So it all came down to me now.

I raised my signet ring, concentrating on...bird thoughts, cartoon thoughts, anything I thought would help.

Nothing. I wasn't even the rodent.

Apparently loyal to the human after their long years in the Shadow Realm, Sneezer charged at the reptile with a scream, drawing a dagger from the side of his loincloth.

The creature pointed her trident, and he became a titmouse.

No, no. The bird titmouse. The bird.

I remained behind, searching for weapons.

Jessica's staff still lay on the ground. It was currently the only thing I had to work with.

As Flo raised her ax to take off Dane's head, I ran at her with this staff, keeping my mouth shut as I did so, as war cries had no effectiveness in this battle.

I swung the staff like a baseball bat, knocking Flo flat on her ass.

"Drew," she growled as she got back on her feet. "You don't want to do this. You still have a choice. Forget all this and rule by my side. We'll share the world. I'll even change your friends back to normal, within reason."

"I'm sorry." I raised the staff to strike her. "You've pissed me off too many times."

She flashed her trident. "I'm sorry too."

I made a passable Highlander. Although not completely animated, my arms kind of resembled the action figures I used to keep in my toy boxes as a kid, like, "Gee, I wonder how this Tri Clops figurine would look with Lion-O's arms?" Or He-Man's blue twin with He-Man's arms.

Unfortunately, the rest of me remained normal, so Flo drove me backwards over a ledge with slashing and stabbing attacks.

I tripped and fell backwards over an edge, and found myself falling past the windows of several hotel suites.

As I screamed, I reflected I would have been better off if I had, in fact, been turned into a bird.

I'm going to die, I kept thinking to myself as I fell. This really is it.

But then I felt warmth spreading all over my body, and I started glowing.

A sea of birds swooped down, enveloping me with feathers. Thousands of tiny winged bodies pushed up from beneath me, stopping my descent.

"You should not be out here, Master," I heard a voice saying.

"Extra!" I cried as I caught sight of his fat little golden body. "Boy am I glad to see you!...Where were you all this time?"

He nuzzled against me. "I will tell you later, Master. Right now we must hurry. We cannot allow Flo to win."