I wasn't permanently a doodle! It was all placebo effect!

I got so overwhelmed with joy that I pressed my muzzle against my sister's lips and gave her a French kiss, stopping only when she started undressing me.

"Okay. Let's...not go there," I squeaked. "I was just happy."

"I was too," she said in low breathy tones. "Really really happy."

I swallowed, deciding to change the subject. "How come you're a solid doodle still, instead of totally human? I mean, look at me, I'm back to the way I was..."

"My mouth was open when that wave hit me," Amanda said. "I thought I would drown, I swallowed so much."

I frowned. "So...I really could have just scooped some of that stuff into my mouth, if I wanted to get doodle powers and stuff."

"Yeah. I'm not sure why I didn't think of it, but it's a good thing I didn't. Who knows if you would have been able to hit that chalice like that if you were a complete doodle?"

I nodded. "You're right."

I briefly wondered what would happen if I slept with her again, but decided it would only make her a quarter doodle and me not human, so I tried not to think about it again.

I turned my attention to Whiskers. "There's something I don't understand. I would have missed that giant thing, if not for those buzzards bouncing it into his head like pinball bumpers. It seemed...awfully convenient. I just don't understand how or why it happened. Any ideas?"

"One..." The professor took a device resembling an RC car controller out of his labcoat pocket. "Did you see the collars?"

I frowned. I did see collars around those buzzards' necks. "So you have bird powers too?"

Whiskers laughed. "Not exactly. it's just an invention. You see, I baited those buzzards with the carcass of a dead chipmunk, fitted them with those collars, and have been trying to summon them with this device ever since Flo's spell was broken. My guess is they found their way into the noid world through this very bank."

"Wait," I said. "What happened to all those people who turned doodle after Flo killed them, you know, knocked them off the roof and everything?"

Whiskers just sighed and shook his head. "I'm sorry."

"Are you aware that this is private property?" a voice called from the double staircase.

I looked up. A purple haired doodle clad in a white furry one piece bikini with a collar, long fuzzy sleeves and furry dog ears stared back at me through her round glasses. Her purple boots stomped fiercely down the steps, gloved hands clamping the railing tight with anger.

She must have noticing me ogling her, or the little hearts floating out of my body, for she glared at me. "You are trespassing. Please vacate these premises at once, or I will be forced to call security."

I swallowed, fumbling for words. "I'm Drew Deebes. I...used to work here. I..."

The female adjusted something on her glasses several times, like they were binoculars or computers or something. "Ah yes. The executive indiscretion. You will enter the Disciplinary Matrix immediately, and meet with Mr. Guillotte this evening to go over the rest of the material you missed."

"Yes, ma'am," I squeaked without understanding the order.

"The rest of you trespassers must leave at once, or I will contact the authorities."

"In case you haven't noticed," Amanda said. "The world almost ended out there."

"We came in here for safety," I stammered. "Sorry about the mess, by the way. This thing was about to wipe us all out of existence, so we were in a hurry to get in."

The stranger reddened, quickly marching to the lobby to survey the damage.

As she passed me, she caught me admiring the seam lines on her costume. "Mr. Deebes, I understand you have been absent for the majority of your training class, but that is no excuse for your behavior. Please refer to page 105 in the Employee Handbook regarding our sexual harassment policy."

I looked away quickly. "Sorry."

When she saw the mess we made, she slapped her left breast, and a pair of antennae and a microphone shot out of her neck like Brain's collar on Inspector Gadget.

"Sarah Botts to security!" she cried, the microphone amplifying her voice to a booming volume. "Drones assemble!"

In seconds, a group of large unfriendly looking Battletech robots surrounded us.

"The responsible parties will accompany me to the Legal Prosecution Matrix."

"So either way we're entering the matrix," I muttered.

"Only the responsible parties."

Sarah clapped her hands, and one of the `mechs' smashed the Cat-Illac flat, wadded it into a ball, and devoured it with a robotic belch.

"My baby!" Riffraff cried.

Cleo wasn't happy either. "Hey! That was our ride!"

Sarah only shrugged indifferently.

A tick-like robot crawled down Sarah's shoulder, wrapped around her arm, and transformed into a cannon.

In one quick motion, she shot both Riffraff and Cleo with a glowing beam. They froze in mid movement, expressions of surprise locked on their faces as they floated a foot above the floor.

Sarah pointed the weapon at me, and I was blinded by dazzling green light.

When my eyes focused, I found myself staring up at a ceiling made of twisted branches and shiny objects.

I was naked.

No.

Wait.

I was in...diapers.

Still, mostly naked.

I lay in a nest, that very same bed-like nest that the bird queen had tried to force me into sharing earlier.

Speaking of which...a blue, similarly clad cartoon figure held me in her arms, bare feathery breasts pressed against my unclothed skin. A yellow beak nuzzled against my neck.

My first thought was, Oh God. How did this happen?

"Cupcake?"

She smiled and nodded.

I pulled back with a start.

"Cupcake! You're alive!"

She batted her eyelashes at me, gazing lovingly into my eyes as she opened her mouth to speak.

"Unexcused absences," she said in Sarah's voice. "Absences are not permitted during introductory training periods, for any reason. Disciplinary action may include restriction of pay and penalties up to and including early termination, as determined by management."

I screamed.

The moment the sound escaped my lips, I found myself waking up in a desk in the Ewes Bank training room. Apparently I'd been sleeping.

I sat up with a start.

A group of Serta mattress sheep laughed at me.

A bearded face looming over me. "Having a nice sleep, Woolma?"

I looked around myself in confusion, prompting more laughter.

I glanced down and saw I was covered in white wool, and I wore a bright yellow dress.

"Oh good Lord," I muttered, not really surprised at all.

Pete cleared his throat. "Ms. Lamb, can you please explain to the class what the acronym FDCPA stands for?"

"Fair Debt Collection Practices Act," I blurted. It was a good thing I used to work collections.

"ECOA."

"Equal Credit Opportunity Act." My voice came out sounding like a little girl, but again that was nothing earth shatteringly new.

"Explain it," he said.

And so I did.

"Describe an example of misrepresentation."

I could have been a smartass and said "You as a teacher," but I instead gave him a serious answer.

He asked me a few more things, like what a deceptive practice was, spousal laws, and how to verify and account. I was a little rusty, but even my fumbled answers seemed to be satisfactory enough.

Pete stared at me, seemingly at a loss for words. At last he laughed and said, "I've gotta hand it to you, Ms. Lamb. You've actually convinced me that you learn better with your head on your desk!"

I heard somebody clapping. Everyone in the room froze like sculptures in a museum.

Ms. Pantless Furry Jumpsuit materialized in front of my desk. Clap clap clap. "I believe I have underestimated you, Deebes. You're an idiot savant. Why didn't you notify management that you weren't...feeling challenged?"

I shrugged. "The nail that sticks out the most gets hammered."

She frowned. "So you're an alcoholic."

"No, no. I meant if you stick out, you often get nailed."

Sarah rolled her eyes. "You needn't worry about that. You're really not my type."

I gave up on the metaphors. "Can you please release me from the Matrix now?"

"It's not The Matrix. It's the Disciplinary Action Matrix."

"Okay, okay," I groaned. "It's like the Matrix but not as cool. Got it. Can I go please?"

She snapped her fingers and the classroom was gone.

I blinked, and I stood in a courtroom, amidst an audience of felines and familiar doodles. To my left, I saw Amanda and Splinter, to the right, Sneezer, Mungo, and a flock of cartoon birds. Riffraff and Cleo sat in the defendants' box, with Hector serving as attorney.

Hector looked strange in a suit, especially with a Viking helmet as an accessory, but nothing surprised me.

The prosecution consisted of a sheep, Ms. Botts and a little pink rabbit, with Harvey Birdman as lawyer.

A horned demonic bulldog from the Dogface cartoon served as judge.

"I have a sneaky suspicion this isn't going to be a fair trial," I muttered to my sister.

"It could be worse," she whispered. "The prosecution could have been Two Face."

On cue, the deformed Batman villain stood up, trading places with Harvey.

Two Face had on his trademark two color tux, black and business-like on one side, party on the other, the mutant side of his face leering at us as the other gave a bemused smirk. He idly flipped a quarter.

"Oops," Amanda said with an embarrassed blush. "I shouldn't have said that out loud."

It seemed the Legal Action Matrix `had us'.

The judge banged his gavel, ordering the court to silence.

"The defendant stands accused of causing property damages to the Ewes Bank company in excess of two hundred thousand dollars, as well as the erasure of several valued employees. How does the defendant plead?"

"Not guilty, your honor," Riffraff said. "That property damage was done out of self preservation."

Judge Bulldog growled in annoyance. "How can you possibly claim innocence when you just admitted to causing the property damage?"

"Your honor, if I may..." Hector said.

"The defense attorney may speak," the judge sighed.

"Before I begin deliberations..." Hector said, marching before a jury box filled with kangaroos. "I'd like to do an impression of Donald Trump."

Removing, his Viking helmet, combed his hair down over his eyes, puffed out his cheeks, and waved his fists around angrily, grumbling about immigration.

Sarah jumped to her feet, glaring at him. "Objection, your honor! Irrelevant!"

"Oh I don't know," the judge said with a smirk. "The impression seems relevant enough to me. Heh heh heh."

"Your honor," Hector said. "The forces of nature conspired against my clients. A massive stream of energy was about to erase my friends from existence, and their only hope of survival rested in them driving through the front of your building."

I stared at the cat in shock, deciding he must have gone to law school during his time in the Shadow Realm...or caught a couple courtroom dramas somehow.

"Your honor," Two Face shouted. "Even if you believe this fiction about an energy wave, the building featured a revolving door, which, incidentally, had been unlocked at the time."

"And how was he supposed to get his car through that?" Hector asked.

"Cars don't belong in our lobby!" Sarah shouted.

The judge banged his gavel in irritation. "Order."

"Your honor," Two Face said, smugly flipping his coin. "My client wants the jury to understand that the defendant could have simply parked his vehicle, gotten out, and hurried through the front entrance with a minimum of damage to himself or the building."

"And let my car get destroyed?" Riffraff blurted.

The judge scowled. "Please explain to the jury what you mean."

Hector turned toward the judge. "What my client is saying, is that the wave of dangerous energy could have not only destroyed him and is passengers, but it also could have destroyed his Cat-Illac, for it is also an animated object, one worth several thousand dollars, I might add."

"Inform the court of the nature of this so-called `energy wave.'"

"Yes sir. For this I call witness Drew Deebes to the stand."

Rolling my eyes, I got up and marched to the witness box.

The dinosaur from all those public service announcements about oral hygiene held out a bible, asking me, "Do you swear to tell the tooth, the whole tooth, nothing but the tooth?"

I gave him my best `you're an idiot' face. "You mean `the truth'?" I prompted.

The dinosaur frowned. "This isn't...Gleem Toothpaste v. Cavities, is it."

"Wrong room?" I suggested.

The dinosaur turned a bright red, hurrying out the door.

Deciding I'd been `sworn in' enough, I seated myself in the box.

Hector leaned over the box. "Please tell the jury, in your own words, what happened before the front end of the building...collapsed."

I started describing the events as they happened, from the time Jessica pulled the spike out of the hotel roof.

"No no no!" Hector groaned. "You're boring the jury! Show them what happened in the form of a flashback!"

"I'm part noid. I can't do that."

Looking frustrated, Hector rushed to the defendant box, pulling a helmet larger than his briefcase, out of his briefcase. It looked like a colander with light bulbs stuck into it. This he placed on my head.

"Now. Remember the events as they happened."

I did. The memories appeared in the air above my head, in a large cloud.

Being my memory, it wasn't a continuous narrative. I skipped over parts that seemed trivial, then lost track of what I was doing, started fantasizing about getting my old job back, sleeping with Cupcake, getting under Sneezer's loincloth, or remembering my first time with Amanda.

"Mr. Deebes, could you please focus on the case?" Hector scolded as I imagined myself removing Splinter's robe.

I blushed. "Sorry." But as I said this, before getting back on track, I found myself fantasizing about running my hands down the sides of Ms. Bott's costume, much to her outrage.

The jury saw enough. They saw the oozing creature, the myrrh wiping out everything. I was dismissed.

"Based on the evidence we have witnessed," the judge said. "It seems unreasonable to prosecute the defendant for the erasure of employees."

"Your honor, I disagree," Sarah said. "If the front of the building had remained intact, the employees would have remained protected by the shielding."

"It didn't work so well against the car!" Hector challenged.

"Objection!" Two Face growled.

"Sustained," the judge said. "It is a valid point."

He banged his gavel. "Dismissing erasure charges in favor of two hundred thousand dollar property damage claim. Proceed with the case."

"Your honor!" Two face protested. "If that noid hadn't attacked the creature with that...myrrh, those employees would still exist!"

"This trial is Ewes Bank v. Cleo and Riffraff, not Ewes Bank v. Drew Deebes," the judge said. "Erasure charges dropped." And he hammered the gavel down.

"Great!" I commented to my sister. "They only need to admit their guilt and offer to reimburse the bank! No big deal!"

"But they're not guilty," Amanda hissed.

I rolled my eyes. "If I broke into a house to escape a serial killer, I'd still have to pay for the damages to the house. That's just how the world works."

Two Face shook his head, looking angry. "Prosecution would like to bring Master Splinter to the stand."

I scrunched up my face in bafflement.

When the ninja rat was in the witness box, Two Face asked, "You were present in that flashback we just viewed, were you not?"

Master Splinter nodded. "Hai."

"Did you see anything...unusual? Possibly inaccurate?"

"I admit I am confused about one thing," Splinter said.

"Please enlighten the jury."

The rat shrugged. "I cannot tell if Drew prefers to have me or that loincloth wearing simpleton as boyfriend."

Two Face grimaced in disgust. "No more questions for the witness."

Next he called Becky to the stand.

"What did you think of that flashback?" he asked. "I remind you, you're under oath."

"It was weird, but it actually explains a lot," she said. "Also, I think Drew and Caveman Mouse would make a cute couple."

"Your honor," Hector said. "The prosecution is clearing digging too hard for inconsistencies in the witness's flashback, when the only thing wrong I see is thinking he has a chance with the Ice Queen in the prosecution box...And hat diaper thing."

"Agreed," said the judge. "Anything else from the prosecution?"

Two Face gritted his teeth.

His next witness was the horse from Ren and Stimpy, but a long dramatic pause and "No sir, I didn't like it," is not a very compelling testimony in any court.

"I'd like to call Michelangelo to the stand," Hector said.

The turtle got sworn in by Bart Simpson, who asked him to "cross his heart and hope to die, stick a needle in his eye" and so on.

Hector pointed at the prosecuting attorney. "Mister...Angelo. What do you think of that suit?"

"I think the dude does most of his work standing in doorways."

Two Face rapidly became Red Face. His mouth was already in a perfect shape for snarling, with that deformed monster lip, so now it became twice as pronounced. "Objection!"

"Sustained," the judge said. "I've been wondering about that myself."

"Another thing," said the turtle. "Does the dude use different kinds of shampoo for both sides of his head? Maybe dry scalp on the left, and oily on the right?"

"If he were a Frosted Mini Wheat, which side would be the whole grain?"

"I'd probably say the plain human side, but I can't stand Mini Wheats."

"Oh dear!" Whiskers shouted as he stared at a small device. "Oh this won't do at all!"

A dead silence fell over the courtroom. Everyone turned and stared at him.

"Something you wish to share with the court?" the bulldog said with annoyance.

"Unfortunately yes. This affects every one of us."

"Bring it forward," the judge groaned.

Whiskers hopped off his chair, pushing through the crowd to the defendants' table, knocking all the papers and drinks to the floor as he shoved a large machine in front of Riffraff, a machine that looked like an oscilloscope with a giant satellite dish attached to it. "My apologies for the interruption, but you all need to see this."

Whiskers pushed a button, and a huge hole opened in the side of the room, revealing the smashed front entrance of the Ewes Bank building.

"I see nothing but two hundred thousand dollars worth of property damage," Sarah said.

Whiskers pointed to the sky. "Look there! See that?"

It was a white vapor trail, like something from a rocket.

"So what. It's only a jet flying overhead."

"That's what I thought at first, too. Until I saw this!"

Whiskers turned some dials on the device, enlarging our view of the object until we could all see it clearly.

It was a missile, bearing five glowing attachments.

"This object is bearing six times the power of an atomic bomb, and it is bearing a straight course for the midwest."

"What happens when it hits its target?" Sarah asked.

"Best case scenario, the entire North American continent will be reduced to an immense crater."

"And the worst case?"

Whiskers shook his head sadly. "You'll be wishing for the other one."