Jessica

[0000]

So. We beat Flo. Drew and his friends were surprisingly helpful.

Having the Ninja Turtles as allies helped, of course, that and the fact that Drew is pretty strong when he turns into Ninja Mouse (or should I say `she turns'? Transgender stuff is confusing, especially how the directors of the Kardassians blur out Katylin's chest like there's something to conceal, but I digress).

Drew and his goody two shoes buddies were going to just, I don't know, put Flo in Arkham asylum or some other dumb comic book prison, like she wouldn't just break out and ruin everyone's lives again.

So I cut her head off, ending one epic struggle of good versus evil right there.

I hope.

I guess if she comes back as the Horseless Headsman or Nearly Headless Flo, or something, it might not be too bad...

What followed was sort of a self congratulatory circle jerk, with all of Drew's buddies patting each other on the back, saying farewell ("Sniff, boo hoo, I'll see you in Cool World") as they disappeared into a magic portal the professor guy created with a spike.

The cop came up to me, offering his hand. "I gotta admit, I was a little suspicious of you at first, especially when you broke the law, but with the exception of some baby incidents, it looks like you're the same sweet little girl that helped me save the world a decade ago. Thanks for helping us stop...that creature."

I shook his hand. "My pleasure."

Of course, I was checking out the other spikes, seeing who had them, where they were.

I paused before Cupcake's lifeless body, saddened that it came to this.

A flock of birds gathered around her body, chirping their last respects. I decided I would, too.

Kneeling by her side, I placed my hand upon her back. "I'm sorry Misty did this to you. Although I thought you were kind of stuck up and maybe still think that wood shop is a good idea, this is no way to treat someone that tries to save your life and destroy a dangerous enemy. I could have helped you find a real boyfriend, and told you about all the different kinds of kinky sex, but now it's too late."

I sighed and stroked her head.

The flock looked at me strangely, half in anger, the others puzzlement, maybe a couple in lust.

They picked up their dead leader, carrying her through the portal.

As it passed, a stupid looking buzzard (one of the lusty ones), kissed me on the mouth and flapped away.

Is it wrong to say I kinda enjoyed it a little? Maybe I've been spending too much time with Chad or something...

All right, so, back to the spikes.

Now, I cleverly volunteered to hold onto all three of them. The fourth, of course, having to remain where it was to hold the portal open.

Drew's dad was the real selling point, because, well, young innocent Jessica actually did want to save the world, and that animated old guy was kind of my buddy...up until the point where the world went back to normal and I was stranded for ten years in a boring universe where the only cartoons you could find were on TV, and I had to endure my asshole mom yelling at me night and day about how I have to give up the art business and "get a real job."

The old bastard didn't even open a portal to send me a crummy animated Christmas card.

Once certain that all of Drew's friends and family were back home where they belonged (See? I'm not a total bitch!) I rushed up to the top of the hotel sign, snatched Spike Number Four, then, grabbing Misty's wing (she still hadn't removed that stupid bird crown), ripped Number Five out of its machine and dove through the portal just seconds before it closed.

A huge flood of black animated `stuff' came pouring out of the hotel sign like a waterfall, but hey, not my problem anymore.

Actually, not a problem, period. I thought it was damn cool the first time it happened.

The professor had connected his dimensional porthole to a place that looked like Sealab, but designed by the people who made Myst. An underwater sea base, giant glass dome looking out into an ocean full of exotic fish.

...Including Sorry Charlie, Finding Nemo's friends, and Jabber Jaw.

It had fancy pillars, ornate walls decorated with gold, fine art, and inventions of unclear purpose. It could easily be King Triton's vacation home, if you filled the place with water and petite Disney mermaids.

For a moment, I wondered how I would get out of there, but then I found elevators.

The first thing I did when I got in was grab Misty around the throat.

"What the hell were you thinking!" I shouted. "Cupcake was going to help us and you stabbed her in the back! Did you not want to conquer the world, or what! You saw me floating there, as a bird, you saw Cupcake, fighting the other bird queen...what the hell made you think that killing Cupcake was a good idea?"

Misty still looked like an alien bird, but her voice hadn't changed.

Well, maybe a little on account of the choking.

"Me and Cupcake have a history," she gasped. "And I wanted the crown."

She let out a chicken cluck. "Now that I'm mentioning it, it's a royal pain in the ass. I keep thinking about bird unions and dismantling the shops. Could you please help me remove this thing?"

I pulled the crown off her head, and she returned to normal, pointing a gun to my head. "Choke me like that again, and it'll be the last thing you ever do!"

"Now look here," I growled. "Who is the idiotic bitch who almost screwed her own plans for world domination for petty revenge? I shouldn't even give you the spikes. All you'll do is cock it up like you've done everything else."

Misty pulled back the hammer on the weapon. "You take that back!"

"No. I'm going to put those spikes in that stupid missile of yours, and I'm going to conquer the world, according to your plan, and you'll be lucky if I'll even let you stand back and watch it!"

Misty swallowed. "Not if I blow your brains out right here."

I was nervous, but you know what they say, `Fake it until you make it.' "I've heard if a doodle kills a noid, the noid automatically becomes a doodle forever."

Technically it was a noid gun, and we'd killed Nazis as doodles and they stayed dead, but I was hoping she wouldn't call my bluff.

Misty sighed and put her gun away. "You're a bitch."

"Ditto." I offered a hand. "Friends?"

She frowned. "Once you arm it, will you be keeping the missile locked on the same exact target I originally built it to target?"

I smiled. "You know it!"

She shook my hand.

I tucked the bird crown into my bikini, looking around the room.

I didn't see Chad anywhere. I assumed he was already taking care of our babies.

Jack and Holli were...making out. Holli, it seemed, had started it, for it was his back to the pillar.

"Whoa," he cried, breaking away for a moment. "What's this about?"

"I was wrong, Jack," she said, caressing his chest. "I'm tired of being a villainess. You're a real hero, and that bird lady was a douche. I don't want to be like that. I want to settle down and raise a family. I want that house with the white picket fence you told me about."

Jack narrowed his eyes. "What's the catch."

"No catch."

"With you, there's always a catch. You lead me around by my dick so you can carry out some crazy scheme."

"That was the old Holli. I guess it's all this time being with you, and other noids. I'm experiencing some real character development, and I want to be different."

"Not that I'm complaining, Holli," Jack stammered. "But I'm not sure you're thinking clearly. Are you sure that bird transformation didn't pinch your brain a little?"

"I don't know. How many times has yours been pinched?" She sighed. "Look. Even separate, we've raised our daughter into a good, intelligent young superhero, and you've saved both our worlds, twice. You know what harm crackpot supervillain schemes can do to the real world, and you try to stop them. I'm really starting to respect that."

She wrapped her arms around him, bringing her face close. "I'm just wondering if you can erase that boy toy of yours and try to be a family."

"Amanda's almost an adult," Jack said. "What kind of family would we be?"

"I never finished that baby farm paperwork," she said. "We could have another."

Pressing her mouth to his neck, she added, "I have never slept with anyone but you."

Jack frowned, his expression saying volumes. He opened his mouth to contradict her.

"I mean, not once since we first met."

"You've been flying too close to my tail feathers. This isn't you."

"Isn't it? Get rid of Chori, and you'll see how me it really is!"

Drew's dad lowered his voice. "You know, I only pretended to be sleeping with Chori. She's only my maid. We never did it."

After that, they didn't talk. They just kissed. I rolled my eyes.

That `Dane' kid from the real world reclined on a sofa that looked like a golden seashell, drawing demonic seahorses that floated through the air playing little guitars. When she saw me, she got up and ran to me. "Just the doodle I wanted to see! A little bird told me you could take me to see that Master Blaster guy and find my boyfriend! You've got to help me!"

I glanced back at Misty.

"Fine," she said with a shrug.

Now, Officer Harris and his spider friend had been lurking in this room, smoking cartoon cigarettes and eavesdropping on me, apparently, for now he approached us, looking rather grumpy and serious.

"I couldn't help but overhear your conversation about a missile...one involving five spikes. Now, I'm not entirely certain how you'd put five spikes into a weapon, if Professor Whiskers is, even now, in the process of burying each and every one of those damned things in secret undisclosed locations in the real world."

"It's a figure of speech," I said. "We're going to use radioactive rods from one of the nuclear power plants in Cool World."

He gave me a smug smile. "Right. That's why your bikini is glowing." And he snatched a spike out of my top.

I punched him in the face and snatched it away from him.

I looked back to warn Misty, but she was already pulling through a glowing circle on the floor.

Harris tried to follow, but she shot him in the knees, and while he bled ink on the floor, and his spider came after us, those giant metal hoop things from Stargate dropped down around our bodies. We vanished in glowing light.

As the room disappeared, I heard Dane shouting, "Hey! What about me!" but I didn't get to find out.

I blinked, and we stood inside Master Blaster's jukebox again.

His cat friends were dressed in bronze Egyptian apparel, bearing those Joffa laser staffs like they had in all the Stargate shows and movies. Master Blaster wore a similar costume, though considerably more Pharaoh-like, with too much exposed belly. "I thought it would be more intimidating. What do you think?"

"You're probably the most accurate representation of Egyptian nobility to date," I said. "Bloated from the excesses gained from exploiting the poor and lower castes."

Misty elbowed me. Hard.

"Sorry. It looks...nice. Thank you for rescuing us from that cop."

"We are prepared to assist you in moving this floating vehicle into the real world," Misty said. "I only ask that you would beam up our weapon, to be discharged upon our arrival on the other side."

Master Blaster frowned. "And how much does it weigh?"

"It's a missile," Misty said. "So...roughly the weight of an elephant."

I thought about making a fat joke, but I didn't want to step on any...sandals.

"I'm sorry. If I put something of that size onboard, I don't think any amount of spikes will allow for its passage. My jukebox is already too large as it is."

"Maybe it should go on a diet," I muttered. When he glared at me, I pretended to be having a coughing fit.

"Fine," said Misty. "Here's the deal, then. We help you get your jukebox into the real world, we leave you there to capture as many musical slaves as you can find, and we in turn take the spikes back to arm our missile, maybe give you what's left of the energy once the weapon is deployed. How does that sound?"

Master blaster rubbed his fake Egyptian beard thoughtfully. "It is fortunate that I have no higher aspiration but to amass as many musical slaves as possible. I agree to your terms."

I took out all the spikes and placed them in Master Blaster's machine. I suspect he did some renovations to the device in our absence, to allow for the spikes, for I think there weren't that many slots before.

Master Blaster played some notes on the pipes, which sounded oddly like that bone organ thing that they had in Goonies, kind of a loud protesting moaning, like a semi truck horn.

The whole vehicle shook, the masonry, statues and stuff crumbling and breaking off all around us.

Things were getting real. The jukebox, once made completely out of ink and paint, took on more and more attributes of a real building. With all that glass and metal, it was no wonder the thing couldn't escape the pull of Cool World without help.

The jukebox vibrated like crazy, the walls glowing all sorts of different colors. I heard a weird grinding noise, then everything took on the appearance of a film with a fish eye lens.

There was a deafening pop, and then suddenly the interior became like a jumbo jet remodeled in the rock glamorous style of the Hard Rock Cafe, its huge glass windows displaying a spreading view of the Vegas Strip.

"At last!" Master Blaster shouted. "We have broken through the barrier! No more mirrors!"

"Actually," I said. "We may need something to get back with."

This gave him pause. "You're right. My pets will eventually have to do a supply run."

"He means ice cream," Fat Cat said.

"Well..." Misty brushed imaginary dust off her hands. "It looks like you're situated. If you wouldn't mind, I have a planet to reformat. With those spikes."

Master Blaster frowned. "And you're saying I'll still be able to fly around the world and enslave musicians without the spikes."

"Yes."

"And the musicians will not at all be affected by your transforming weapon."

"Of course."

It seemed the man was changing his mind. He looked very...suspicious.

I decided to throw in my two cents.

"Listen. You're an unidentified flying object, which will make it a teensy bit hard for you to not be shot out of the sky by anti-aircraft weapons and the United States Air Force.

"If you allow us to launch that missile with the spikes attached, you won't have to worry about that again. They'll all be under Misty's power. In fact, they'll have you registered on all Federal databases as a protected treasure of national culture. Isn't that right, Misty?"

Misty looked hesitant, but still blurted, "Yes."

Master Blaster paused in thought for a long time. "You must first remove a single spike, to see whether or not it affects the vehicle's performance."

This we did. I stuffed a spike into my bikini, waited five minutes, and saw no change in the jukebox's stability. It still floated on fat beats and p-funk.

So we grabbed another, giving it the same kind of test. Master Blaster's orders.

Misty was fuming and stomping her foot angrily, but I convinced her that a great deal of reward can come by the simple act of waiting, reinforcing my point by showing her the spikes I already earned.

At last, I had them all, and Blasty opened a mirror portal to Misty's high rise.

Sleezington was overjoyed to see his girlfriend again. They were so busy kissing that I had to clear my throat and remind them they had a world to conquer.

"How romantic," Sleezington muttered. "We shall conquer it...together."

Misty clutched his hand tightly. "Yes."

Chad met me in the living room, with Isosceles in the carrier. We kissed just as passionately as the other two, but I was more aware of the time. "Honey, I'd love to continue this, but it's going to have to wait a minute."

I pulled out a pair of spikes. "This needs to be taken care of first."

He groaned, but nodded appreciatively.

We took the elevator down to Misty's underground Bond villain base (it really should have a name, but I never asked her to make one for it) and we entered the missile command station, preparing our weapon.

The room containing the device looked like a hangar merged with a silo.

Misty's Minions, groups of mutant animal creatures with oddly realistic shading, and, strangest of all, animated birds, all in lab coats and radiation gear, all busied themselves preparing computers and rocket fuel and computer guidance equipment and other weapon components for our mad plan, making me wonder if A: I was underdressed, and B: If I were going to get cancer from carrying around glowing spikes in my bikini.

Oh well. I handed all five spikes to Misty, watching her servants screwing them into strategically built sockets along the plating.

The rocket rose into a launching position, the ceiling opening to reveal a glowing portal leading to real clouds in a real sky.

Chad grabbed me around the waist, pressing his muzzle into my neck. "Let's go upstairs, wildflower," he purred.

"What, and miss the launch?"

"We can watch from my suite. I have a large screen monitor. High definition. We have ten minutes before the rocket goes off. We can make those minutes interesting, if you like."

"Well," I said, half heartedly.

He tugged my arm. "Come. I have much I wish to tell you."

I groaned and rolled my eyes. "Okayy... I hope I get a good view."

As Chad led me to the door, Misty gave me a Nazi-esque salute.

"Misty. Do me a favor. Never do that again."

"Sorry. It was popular where I crash landed."

"Is this in one of those numbered comic books that I'm supposed to have read?"

"Not this one."

Misty showed me her origin story in a flashback. It wasn't quite what I expected.

It seems that she had an existence outside Cool World, and the stories she told me about her family had been slightly modified to cover the real information.

Apparently she had a fling with the little professor guy, before he became a toon, and one of the framed pictures was actually of him and her, though altered a bit to conceal the truth.

She touched something on her outfit, and she was a glowing squid-jellyfish thing, floating in the air.

"So. You're going to turn everyone in the world into copies of...that."

"Does this disturb you?" Misty said in a disembodied voice.

"Not really. Whenever I watch an alien invasion movie, I often think that the world might be better if the humans didn't fight back."

Misty nodded, which is an odd gesture for a tentacled ball of jelly. "Then enjoy the show."

"She means we can go upstairs and have sex if we wish," Chad whispered.

"Don't ruin it. And no, I don't think she meant that at all."

"I might have meant that," Misty said.

"That, uh, really ruins it," I groaned. "Let's...go, Chad."

We went into the elevator leading to the suite.

After a moment of silently standing and listening to the lift, Chad muttered, "Jessica, are you finished with conquering the world now?"

"I might be. It's really a lot of work. I had no idea it required so much effort."

"So what now?" he said.

"I...I'm not sure. Maybe I'll draw a few landscapes, see where they take me."

"Would you consider settling down?"

I stared at him. "What?"

Chad dropped to one knee, pulling out a ring box, which opened to display a disproportionately large diamond that couldn't have fit into such a small box. "Will you marry me?"

I swallowed hard. "Uh...Chad...I...I really need to think about this a little."

I saw an X-ray of his chest, showing his heart shattering into a million pieces. I grabbed his hand and squeezed it. "Oh Chad. It's not like that. I just need to think about it a little, okay? We already slept together..."

He smiled a little and straightened. "Perhaps you would like to decide over some champagne."

I nodded. "That...sounds...like an idea..."

The doors opened to his suite, and he led me into the kitchen, pouring me champagne that tasted like that "Mexican" apple flavored soda pop they serve at Taco Bell. I smiled politely, and he pushed a button, making a movie theater sized monitor slide out of his living room floor.

The rocket wasn't doing anything. We were still counting down.

"I and Sleez have been busy while you were gone," Chad said. "My lovely rose, would it disturb you greatly if I said that all of our children, with the exception of Isosceles, have been genetically modified into alien soldiers for Misty's army?"

I paled. "It might. I mean, I was okay with her changing some into evil soldiers for the empire, but not all of them. I kinda thought I'd have some babies left of my own, to raise as babies."

"I was having difficulty taking care of them all. They did nothing but cry all the time."

"That's what babies do."

He shook his head. "Not doodle babies. Not generally."

I sighed. "As long as we have Isosceles, I guess I'll be all right."

"I thought you might say that."

I reddened. "And what else did you think I'd say!"

"Love blossom. I have not been entirely honest with you. It is thanks to Misty that we came together. She...arranged for our romance. We've been planning this for some time. The moment you arrived in Cool World, she planned to use us to create babies she could experiment with, to make an army of half doodle noid soldiers."

"So you've been lying to me this whole time?"

He gave me this look like he had.

"Your eye, the tutu, your dolls, you being lonely?"

"No, actually all of that is true. I was lonely, and I do like dolls and ballet. But I...am shy around females, and this as the only way I could...find love."

He didn't seem that shy to me, but I didn't press the subject. "Still, this was an act...is all this S&M gear yours?"

Chad blushed. "Maybe?"

He pointed to my bikini. "Would you think me less of a man...if I told you...that is my favorite costume to wear?"

"Actually...yeah." I shuddered a little, stepping back from him.

Spotting a book laying open on a table, Chad hurriedly shoved it under a pillow.

"Chad..." I said in a suspicious, scolding tone. "What was that?"

His face turned neon pink. "It is nothing."

"Chad..." My tone was firm. Even. I held out my hand.

The kangaroo bashfully handed me the book.

When I read the title, the first thing out of my mouth was, "Oh my God."

`How to Talk Sexy to a Noid Woman and Make Her Fall Madly in Love With You,' it said. Inside were...several pick up lines he used on me, and advice on how to get into my pants.

The funny thing was, every word of it was right. "How much of this have you read?"

"Some," he said.

When I looked skeptical, he added, "A little," then, when that wouldn't do, "Cover to cover."

"Where did you get this!" I yelled, waving it in his face.

Chad trembled, raising his arms defensively. "Please do not harm me. There is a store. They make these kinds of books for every occasion. You could find one for me, if you so desire."

"But how?" I said. "How did you know about me?"

"I found a mirror. One that allows me to see things. You looked very sexy as you drew me."

"Okay. Now it's getting creepy. Admittedly, not as creepy as a human stalking me through a mirror, but creepy nonetheless."

"I am sorry. I do not wish to be so."

"Too late." I covered my crotch, but yeah, like that really does anything. "So. This has all been a scam."

"A very enjoyable scam, but yes."

"Wow. I...um...I've kinda been used, huh?"

"You did not object to it so much, did you? You already wanted to conquer the world. You seemed very eager..."

"True..." I stepped further back, toward the elevator.

"Where are you going?"

"Out. I, uh, have to talk to Misty."

He tried to follow, but I said, "Please, Chad. I...need time to think. Alone."

"Will you also think about marrying me?"

"I'll also think about that," I said, careful not to say anything that could be construed as a yes. "I'll...I'll be going now."

"Passion flower! I still love you! I have loved no one else this way!" Please say you will stay and help I and Misty conquer the world!"

"I'll definitely think about it."

I stepped into the elevator, staring at him longingly, yet conflicted, not ready to take that plunge into his darker side. My heart said yes, but my brain said wait, and it was time to use my brain.

As the doors closed, he gave me a sad pouty look that made me want to run to him and wrap my arms around him, but it was too late.

I also realized, much too late, that I had entered an elevator that looked like a skull, and the Go-Go Ghostbusters music was starting in the background.

The elevator dropped like all the cables had been cut.

I screamed.