Jessica

[0000]

I got put through a musical montage in which machines stripped me completely naked and slapped me into a Ghostbusters costume.

I got the boot, tumbling down a slide, which, ironically enough, dropped me on top of the other Ghostbusters vehicle, from the other cartoon.

I thought I'd at least pull a Fred Flintstone and land in the back seat, but I instead rolled off the shell and landed on pavement. The car sped off without me.

No biggie. I didn't want to bust ghosts anyway.

I changed back into my other clothes, enduring the wolf whistles and catcalls that were apparently unavoidable in this world, even in a darkened alley, with no audience anywhere in sight.

When I exited the alley, I noticed a flock of birds flying overhead, bearing the body of their queen.

The time progression didn't seem quite right to me, but I supposed that cartoons always tend to have problems with `real time', often conveniently so, as in James Bond's Incredibly Slow Moving Death Trap.

This one proved convenient for the birds, for once I'd spotted the funeral procession, I found myself being swept up into the air with them.

They carried me over a really big suburb, one that probably shouldn't be called a suburb on account of its size, but hey, it featured nothing but middle class white people houses...

Past this place, I saw a picturesque forest where, I believe, they filmed all those Keebler Elf and Jolly Green Giant commercials...and maybe Bambi type stuff.

They took me to the middle of this scenery to a huge ball of twigs. The bird palace.

A lot more impressive on the inside than the outside. The interior looked like a castle made entirely out of bent wood.

The moment my feet touched ground, my hands got clamped behind my back with shiny sparkly handcuffs, and I got marched through a crowd of animated birds from every conceivable cartoon (Chillee Willy was pissed!), to a large throne at the end of the building.

Cupcake's body lay before this throne in a coffin of bent twigs, looking calm and peaceful as Sleeping Beauty, despite the fact she had just been stabbed to death.

I found myself standing face to face with that big dark scary owl from The Rats of NIMH, clad in a red robe and a crown.

"Uh...hi," I said. "How are you?"

The owl didn't reply, his glowing eyes slightly unnerving me as he regarded me in statue-like stillness.

I decided to clear the air a bit. "I want to give you guys a formal apology. I told Misty not to kill your queen, but she did it anyway. I had nothing to do with it. She was just being a mean stupid bitch."

Mr. Owl didn't speak. He just stared.

"Do you actually smile sometimes? Like if someone tickles you?"

At last the owl said, "Your friend has left a great void in our kingdom. This void cannot remain unfulfilled, or it will destroy your world."

I swallowed. "What are you saying?"

"We need you to rule the kingdom of birds in Cupcake's place."

I looked around the castle with nervousness. "No offense, but I don't like birds that much. Their mouths really aren't that expressive, which makes them kind of creepy."

"You apologized for the Queen's death. You have remorse, meaning that you still deeply care for all of us."

Suddenly a hundred birds were giving me sad `puppy dog eyes'.

"Thanks, but no thanks. Don't you guys already have a king? Isn't that what Drew is?...I thought I heard that somewhere."

The owl nodded. "He is our king. But we cannot have a monarchy without a queen to rule by his side."

I cringed.

"Oh no." I took several steps backwards. "Oh God no. No way."

"Yes way," he said.

"You are both part noid," said one of the blue birds that used to flow me around, Tito, I believe. "You both care deeply for birds. You are perfect for each other."

Well, I thought. I had originally tried to sleep with him...

Still, this kind of scene really wasn't my thing.

"You showed great creativity and innovation at the baby farms."

"In a way a computer hacker shows promise when caught by corporate security," the owl agreed.

"So," I groaned. "You want me to beef up your infrastructure."

"Precisely."

I turned to run, but I was still handcuffed, and quickly got buried in flapping wings and feathers.

When my vision cleared, I found myself in a little house designed to look like a bird cage, suspended above a bottomless chasm.