Is anyone still reading this? I admit, the story wasn't for everyone, and to be honest, it goes downhill from here.

All right, no big deal. I need to tell it, even if nobody is listening anymore.

After Misty's defeat, I and my team marched down the tiled floor of the Ewes Bank building, heading for home. I had just agreed to go out for sushi with Master Splinter. As we walked quietly along, I found a brown hand wrapping around my own.

The rat smiled at me in a way I wasn't comfortable with. I pushed his hand away.

Splinter came to an abrupt stop. "Drew San, if you do not like me, then tell me plainly, and I will go. Otherwise, why do you recoil from me?"

"I..." I stammered.

I had to make a choice, and fast. I either had to get used to being...admired...and touched by Sensei, or not hang out with him at all.

I couldn't not like Splinter. In fact, I remembered watching his show when I first came through puberty, and experiencing feelings about the rat I didn't want to admit, even to myself.

Okay, well, now I was actually female, and a rodent.

Blushing hotly, I took his hand in mine and squeezed it.

"Better," he said.

He was a creature of few words, that Splinter. Maybe that's what I liked about him...Among other things.

"Master," Leonardo said. "Are we going to need to build an extra room in the sewer for her?"

Splinter glanced at me, raising an eyebrow.

"Uh..." I said.

"It is not necessary," he said to his reptilian student. "We can share the same room."

"We can?" I blurted.

He just smiled.

"Master Splinter, don't get me wrong, I like you, but you're moving a little too fast."

Funny me saying such a thing to a speedy Kung Fu rat.

Splinter laughed. "I am sorry. I have been alone too long. I have forgotten my manners."

"Also, I'm not too wild about sewers."

Extra fluttered between us. "Master is king of the bird people!" he said with pride. "Why should he sleep in a dirty sewer when he has a palace with a luxury nest?"

"Uh, thank you, Extra." I turned the options over in my mind. "I had originally intended to just stay at Amanda's again, but..."

"I would like to see this bird palace," Splinter said.

I shrugged. "No problem, sensei."

"Yamato," he insisted.

"Right. No problem, Yamato."

"Master," Extra said. "Are you going to marry this rat?"

"Extra!" I cried. "I love you, buddy, but sometimes you need to back off and mind your own business."

His feathers turned a bit pink. "My apologies, master, but as ruler of the Bird Kingdom, your every act is of great importance to your royal subjects. The...spouse you choose to marry could have considerable impact on our people's future."

I rolled my eyes. "Are you saying I should marry someone you personally selected?"

"No master. Master Splinter is very satisfactory...if you choose to have him as your husband..."

"You'll make a cute couple," Amanda said behind me. "Let me know when you decide to do it. I want to watch."

"Amanda!" I exclaimed in disgust.

"Don't act so surprised, Drew. Remember when I got out the popcorn for you and Sneezer?"

I cringed.

"I...would he honored," Splinter said with a smile.

I was now pretty much completely pink, my embarrassment visible for all to see, as is the custom of many cartoons. Splinter chuckled.

Cupcake, still in her bra, cape and diaper, strolled up beside me, taking my other hand. "My king. I know you seem to be permanently female now, but that doesn't change the way I feel about you. We can still have a good time, if you get my meaning."

I swallowed. First Cleo, now her. What was wrong with these cartoon females?

Splinter chuckled more as he heard this. "It appears I have found quite the treasure."

Cupcake suddenly contradicted herself by going, "Eew!" and wiping her hand on her orange leg.

"Nice of you to join us, Jessica," she muttered to herself.

"I feel like I'm in a body snatchers movie," her Jessica voice said. "When can I stick you back in your pod and shoot you into outer space?"

"When you have become a fair and just ruler."

"Can I watch too?" Sneezer asked me as he stepped in front.

"Would you rather watch, or participate?" Cupcake asked.

The mouse spun around quickly, staring at her. "What do you mean by that?"

Cupcake pointed to her chest, then slapped her diaper.

"What's...the catch?"

"You have to deal with two of us."

"A threesome, eh?" he said with a growing grin. "I'm sure it won't kill me..."

"How about a foursome? If I can get the king onboard...gross."

"If it's gross, why did you suggest it?"

"Sorry," Cupcake said. "It's the other girl, you know. It may take awhile for us to work up to that one, anyway. But both of us think you're scrumptious."

"A bird, thinks that I'm scrumptious?"

"Stranger things have happened...Do you mind that I wear diapers?"

Sneezer pulled up his loincloth, revealing that he wore one as well. "Nope."

"God," Jessica Cupcake muttered. "Seriously?"

"Don't act so disgusted, Jessica," Cupcake Cupcake said. "It was your idea in the first place."

Jessica Cupcake just groaned.

Hearing a sigh, I looked back and saw Whiskers looking rather depressed. "Problem, boss?"

"Oh, it's nothing."

"It's Miss Terious, isn't it?"

Whiskers nodded sadly. "Indeed. Once more I am alone. She was my one true love. I had great hopes for her. I thought we had something together. If only she hadn't attempted to conquer the world!" He shook his head.

Amanda rubbed his bald head. "You'll find another. I'm sure someone will show up eventually. You just got to keep your eyes open. Just look at Drew!"

Whiskers shuddered in disgust. "You're not helping."

"What I mean is, he pursued one woman, and found me instead."

"He also changed sexes."

Amanda shrugged. "I have that affect on people. Still, I think it wouldn't hurt to keep your eyes open."

He had this look like he were considering her as a candidate, but then looked down. "I...suppose so...but not every woman enjoys a good book or a soccer game, or tea and scones, and knows how to do technical things..."

"Like hooking up cable TV?" I said in a half jest.

He stared at me. "I...suppose that would be technical..."

I opened my mouth, then closed it again. "Nah..."

Whiskers looked hopeful. "Do you know someone?"

"Um...not really."

"What do you mean, not really?"

"She's not really your type."

"How do you know what my type is?"

I sighed in frustration. "It's an alligator, okay? It lives in the sewer."

He frowned. "Oh."

"Wait," Cupcake said suddenly. "Where's Chad?"

"Not sure," I muttered.

Between where I was and the plot hole at the end of the hallway, I couldn't see him or the baby.

"Chad?" Cupcake called.

No answer.

"I think he's still at Bartle Hall," I said.

For a moment, she looked glum, but then she suddenly laughed, clapping her hands. "One of the perks of the job. Completely forgot."

A crow and a sparrow popped out of her bra, giving her a salute. "Your majesty?"

She whispered something to them, and a second later the hallway filled with a cloud of flapping wings.

When the feathers cleared, Chad stood before her, looking disoriented. "Cupcake! Where's Jessica?"

"Chad," she said softly. "I'm here."

"I know you're here, Cupcake, but what happened to Jessica?"

Cupcake pointed to her chest. "She's in here. Cupcake took over her body, and changed it to this. But your girlfriend is still in here."

Chad frowned. "Nice try, Cupcake."

"You don't believe us?"

He shook his head. "Perhaps if you turned into Jessica."

I saw tears rolling down Cupcake's beak. "I...can't do that."

"As I said, nice try."

Cupcake started crying. It sounded like chirping. "But I'm the mother of your child!"

"No you're not. You're the baby farm woman."

"You didn't see me transform?"

"No I did not."

Cupcake rushed up to him, grabbing him by the shoulders and shaking him. "It's me, you dumb kangaroo! Jessica! I'm in here!"

"Jessica doesn't wear diapers," he said.

"It wasn't my idea," she growled through her beak. "Mostly. It's me! Cupcake, I mean Jessica! Jessica!"

Chad just frowned at her.

"Wait," she blurted. "At least let me take care of Isosceles, until she returns."

He shook his head violently. "I am sorry. I am not comfortable with that. I will care for him myself, until she comes back."

"You idiot. I should have known." She dropped to her knees and sobbed.

"Please don't do that," Chad said. "I don't like cry babies. I already have one in my carrier."

On cue, Isosceles also started crying. The kangaroo hurried away from the bird.

"That's not fair!" Cupcake moaned. "You stupid bird! You ruined everything!"

"Now now," she answered herself. "Keep it up and I'll put you back in the unicorn."

"It's my body!"

"I know. You'll get it back once you show yourself to be an honorable queen."

"After Chad finds another woman," she muttered.

"Perhaps. This wouldn't have happened if you hadn't tried to conquer the world."

"Stupid bird brain. I hate you."

"How do you think I felt when you practically destroyed my baby factory?"

"You helped kill Misty. I hope you have a plan for all those so called aborted babies."

"Now that we have a king, and your memories, I'm sure, between us, we can handle both operations."

Cupcake marched up to me, giving me a little bow. "My king."

"Your...highness," I stammered.

Her other personality screamed. She scampered off down an adjoining hallway.

Sheep had remade the front of the building in ink and paint. I don't know where the real money went to, but it wasn't to that. I guess it shouldn't surprise me. The interest banks take out of your checking for minimum balance don't necessarily translate into quality service, or anything else you think it will go to.

I took a step in that direction, but Splinter pulled me back. "That way is to Las Vegas."

I frowned. "Oh."

That got me thinking...I'd never work at my old job again.

My apartment...gone.

Bank account...forget it.

Family reunions? I don't think so.

That old me was gone forever.

"You...look unhappy," Splinter said.

"...Nothing. It's nothing."

"Good job, Bird King," Riffraff said as he passed me.

"You weren't so bad yourself." I glanced at Cleo. "Both of you."

His wife winked at me. I quickly looked away.

The cats marched out.

Mr. Guillotte had been watching us as we passed through the hallway. He...seemed to recognize me. "Weren't you in the Legal Action Matrix?"

"No," I said.

"Wait, no. I got it. You were the genius who disappeared after that one training class. You know, we could still use some help. If you wanted to go through training again..."

"I'll...think about it. This place kind of damaged my work ethic."

"Tell me about it," he said with a roll of his eyes. "That, and my appetite."

It was daytime, around noon, I believe, though it felt much later than that.

In our absence, April O' Neal had parked the Turtlemobile outside the side entrance. When she saw Splinter and I walking hand in hand to her door, she laughed.

"What!" I snapped indignantly.

"Nothing," she said with a grin. "It's cute. I'm happy for you. Maybe now he'll stop lurking around my shower."

Splinter cleared his throat. "I bring her towels."

Suddenly feeling uncomfortable, I relaxed my grip on his paw.

"You must teach me to be better," he said in an apologetic tone. "You must be my love sensei."

"Anything else I should be warned about?" I asked the woman.

"He's lactose intolerant. You should get him something before he starts chowing down on pizza."

"Bad habit from my sons," he said. "Rice is much healthier."

April opened her mouth to say something else.

"Please," I groaned. "I think I've heard enough."

Splinter took my hand. I didn't resist.

A ride in the Shellraiser (or whatever it's called) is not exactly as romantic as a limo, but in Cool World, stuff like that tends to be kind of cheesy anyway. Honestly, a ride in a grungy van filled with turtles and weaponry made me feel more special, like `one of the guys.' Okay, that sounded bad, but it's pretty accurate.

We sat on padded benches. Only April and Leonardo got seats, because they were up front.

Amanda came along...to watch. Sneezer and Cupcake, same reason.

I half expected Riffraff and Cleo to join us, but they had run off somewhere. Thankfully, this was the end of my spectator list...well, except for the birds.

As the wagon drove along, Jessica Cupcake started crying again. "How can he be so stupid? He knows it's me! Why can't he see it?"

"I don't know," Amanda said.

"Nobody can tell that Clark Kent is really Superman with glasses," I suggested.

Donatello stared at me. "You're saying that reporter for the Daily Planet is actually Superman?"

Michelangelo shook his head. "That's ridiculous. That dork? A superhero?"

"He can't take care of a baby on his own!" Jessica Cupcake sobbed. "He's a man! A baby needs his mother!"

Amanda sighed. "I wish I could help."

A lightbulb popped on above Cupcake's head. "Maybe you can, sweetie. Maybe you can. You want to be my delivery gal?"

She shrugged. "How much you paying?"

Cupcake twisted her beak. "Honey, I'm the Bird Queen. I'll make it worth your while."

"I'll think about it." Amanda turned her attention to me. "Drew...Since you are female, and living here long term...you think you might try out the Halftone Club?"

"I did try it," I said.

"I mean, as an employee."

"Um, no."

"You're right," she sighed. "You're the Bird King, or Queen...you think you'd feel differently about it if you weren't?"

"Not really. You see, there's a bank. I, uh, stripping isn't my scene."

She looked disappointed. I think my new boyfriend may have been too.

I glanced at him. "So. Splinter. You like birds, don't you?"

He nodded. "When I am not otherwise occupied or being observed, I like to go outside with my binoculars and watch them. They are very beautiful."

I cringed a little at the thought of Splinter with binoculars, but didn't ask what else he did with them.

"When I heard about what you did at C.C. Knickknocker, I was pleased. I was not aware that such cruelty was happening."

"So you could have helped," I muttered.

"You did not ask."

"Well, after that beating you gave me, when I fell on your pizza..."

"It is understandable. But you did not need my help, it seems. You impressed me."

Extra's brothers landed on the other rat's shoulders, nuzzling against his neck. He smiled pleasantly about this. I found myself liking him even more.

"Sensei," Leonardo said. "About this date...Look, it's great that you found someone, and want to go out, but we've spent most our life living in the shadows and wearing disguises...you know, so people don't recognize us...and arrest us, or put us on the news, or alert Shredder to our presence..."

"It is...time to stop hiding," Splinter said.

"Thank God!" April muttered. "I hate sewers."

All four turtles glared at her.

"No offense, but you guys can do better."

Leonardo looked dismayed. "So...you're not afraid of...the police, or our enemies finding us."

"We have...defeated many such things in the past."

"I know. But what happens if they come at us all at once?"

Splinter put his paw on the front passenger seat. "Leonardo, my son. Last Saturday, did you or did you not catch a fly with chopsticks?"

"Um...I did."

"Leonardo. Man or turtle who catches fly with chopsticks can do anything."

"Drew and I have an army of birds," Cupcake added.

Leonardo fell silent, staring at her.

Sneezer, in the meantime, lay pressed up against the bird's body, running his paw down her side, her legs, her diaper.

Cupcake slapped his paw away. "Sneezer, honey, don't do that."

"You don't like it?" he said with a disappointed pout.

"I wouldn't say that. It's, um, you know. I already have a boyfriend."

"But he doesn't know you're in there!" Sneezer protested.

"Something might change. Shut up, Cupcake."

His paw was on her thigh again. She grabbed it. "So, let's work on boundaries for the time being, shall we? Keep your grubby paws to yourself."

"They're not that grubby, are they? I washed them..."

Cupcake shook her head and smirked a little.

"Admit it. You like me touching you."

The bird squirmed on her bench. "It's very distracting, and I'm not sure if it's the Cupcake part of me that likes it."

"It's Jessica," he said. "Cupcake only has the hots for Drew."

"So I'm just supposed to hop in the sack with you."

"Yeah."

"You must think I'm just some weak minded floozy, some shallow bimbo who never commits, and sleeps with whatever random guy she happens to be with!"

"...Maybe?"

She glared at him, but then had this expression on her face like she had just lowered her standards.

"No," she said at last. "I couldn't."

"You're not Jessica anymore," Sneezer said. "No one will know."

"I'll know."

The mouse waggled his eyebrows at her. "So will I."

Cupcake opened the slot the turtles used to fire their net gun through, dunking the mouse through the hole.

She slid it shut, giving me a cheesy grin. "So...Still not happy about you thwarting my attempt at world conquest, and ruining my life."

"I'd say I was worry. If I was."

"It is okay, my king," she contradicted herself. "It is her fault for attempting to conquer the world to begin with."

I just stared at her in silence.

"Anyways, don't mind her. She's just mad because she learned the hard way that crime does not pay."

"Honestly, I wouldn't call global domination a crime. It's war, and evil, but technically not a crime."

The bird smirked. "Jessica likes that."

The restaurant Splinter chose proved to be stereotypically Asian. Giant brass dragons, a front entrance that looked like a Japanese torii, gold painted vertical sign boards saying something I couldn't read in Chinese.

When I and Splinter stepped out, the turtles stayed in the wagon, looking rather uncomfortable.

Amanda, Cupcake and Extra came with.

The interior was another cliche. More brass dragons, a jolly fat guy statue, Chinese brush paintings. Canned Chinese music. The place was run by ethnic stereotypes.

One such stereotype, a young man in Mandarin clothes, with a braided ponytail, probably from Avatar the Air Bender, stood at the check-in desk.

I guess, to be honest, I was technically dating a racial stereotype, but he was at least a cool stereotype.

The man looked past me to my sister. "How many?"

Amanda nodded back to me.

"Two," I said.

The man looked down and frowned. "We don't serve rat."

"Great," I said. "Because that would be cannibalism."

The man stared at me in dismay. I'd just deflated his whole joke.

"Right this way." He lead me and my date into the restaurant.

I glanced back and saw Amanda talking to a girl with a red-gold kimono and chopsticks in her hair. "Oh no. We're not eating. We just want to watch."

"I'm sorry. This is a restaurant."

"Fine," she sighed. "Table for two, maybe three if you count the little bird."

And then Sneezer popped up next to her.

"Make that four."

I got led to a low table with no seats, one of those traditional things where you kneel at the table.

"This is rare," I muttered. "Well, not rare for a cartoon..."

To my chagrin, I discovered Riffraff and Cleo had a booth nearby. I could already guess the conversation we would be having. "Oh, I just decided to take the wife out for sushi. I had no idea you'd be here. We are totally not spying on you."

I rolled my eyes, pretending they weren't there.

I ordered sushi, and Splinter ordered sake. Amazing Chan didn't ask me what kind of sushi I wanted. Maybe their selection wasn't that good or something.

The food got brought out with cartoon speed, but I ate slowly, gazing into Splinter's eyes, not so much out of love as trying to figure out what I saw in him.

As he gazed back, I saw hearts popping out of his robe. He grabbed them with chopsticks and swallowed them, which made me chuckle a little...as I tried to ignore my own...and stares from Amanda's table.

I thought I saw Leonardo peeking through the window, then April, but they vanished when I looked that way.

"So, uh, Yamato..." I said. "Your...sons go on a lot of missions without you...I've heard. What do you do with all that time by yourself? Um...besides Kung Fu."

"I have a nice garden of bonsai trees. Donatello has made me a nice generator for the plant lights."

"That's cool."

Why am I dating Splinter? I asked myself. Was he just a project to work on? How did this childhood obsession turn into romance? The answer eluded me.

Does anyone understand why they fall in love? I kind of doubted it. "I understand you only had one woman in your life."

"Hai. It was a long time ago. After I turned into this, she did not recognize me."

Maybe I felt sorry for him. Was that what it was?

"She sounds a little...closed minded."

He smiled a little. "Perhaps you are right. I'm glad you are not."

Hearing a chirp, I turned my head and saw a sparrow flap down on a little set of carpeted steps nearby with a wooden letter K in its beak.

I watched, with some annoyance, as six more birds slowly brought in blocks.

KISS HIM, the letters said. One of the S's was backwards, but a bird fluttered down, fixing the error.

"Seriously?" I groaned.

On a whim, I waved at the wooden letters, as if to somehow telekinetically scatter them.

To my surprise, it worked. The birds lost control of themselves and flew into the letters. I grinned a little.

Splinter chuckled, making me blush.

Master Splinter didn't have that much to teach me, I thought. I know too much about him.

...Or do I? "Can you read and write Chinese? Or Japanese?"

He nodded. "Hai."

"Okay..." I pointed to a brush painting of fish, with calligraphic writing along the side. "What does that say?"

He squinted at it. "It says...`I am tired of making this shitty kitsch for Americans.' Kitsch is an approximation of what that word means."

"I see," I said with a smirk. "What's the one next to it say?"

"`Mountainscape near Fuji.'"

"Seriously?"

"Yes. It was painted by someone else."

He was a rat. He wasn't Sneezer, and he knew Kung Fu. Was that why little hearts were popping out of my clothes? Or was it just his body? "Splinter, um, remember when I fell through the ceiling of your place and ruined your pizza, and you and your sons kissed my ass?"

He frowned. "That...sounds interesting. You would think I would remember something like that."

"Kicked. I meant kicked my ass. I got beat up. Ring any bells? I was human. A male human."

He twisted his lip. "You have already mentioned this to me once before. The answer is yes. You learned your lesson, did you not? Do not lay on people's food."

I reddened, surprised at how distracted I was getting. "Uh, yeah."

Maybe that's why I...liked him so much. He didn't care what I used to be or anything. He liked me just as I am. Unconditionally.

After another sushi tray got brought out, wherein we stared at each other again, I heard someone singing a tune from Little Mermaid, with altered lyrics: "Shannanananana, don't be shy! You want to kiss sensei..."

It was my little feathered friend. I shot him an irritated glare. "Could you please not do that?"

A second later, Splinter leaned over the table to kiss me.

Well...

Ahem. To be honest, I can't say I was entirely displeased...

In fact, I might have kissed back a little enthusiastically.

I stopped when I heard applause, pulling away from him.

Splinter was grinning.

I tried not to, but was still kinda smirking.

"You should not be afraid to have an audience. You are...royalty."

"I...I've never been royalty before," I whispered. "This is really awkward. I'm used to being a nobody tax guy. Plus, these guys are perverted."

I glanced up at Sneezer. He looked a little glum, like he was going to cry and run out of the restaurant, but then Cupcake started whispering in his ear. He blushed, his Adam's apple bobbing.

Was I with Splinter just to avoid him?

'You're thinking about him?" Splinter asked.

Cupcake and Sneezer started kissing. I looked away, shaking my head violently. "...No. He needs to go somewhere."

Amanda gave me a thumbs up.

Splinter passed me a little jar. "You have not touched your sake."

I was a little afraid of being drunk around Splinter. I didn't want to say anything awkward, or make a big mistake. Still, I drank a little anyway.

The stuff tasted like milk. I wasn't too surprised at this. I was at least glad it didn't taste like rice scum. "You know, maybe you could show me around your place. I've never had a really good look at your subterranean lair."

"It would be a pleasure," he said with a smile.

Just as long as you don't show me straight to the bedroom, I thought.

It seemed Amanda and Cupcake had paid for everything, including tips. This I learned when we were leaving.

Splinter had one of those Turtle Phones, you know, the shell that opens to show you a video screen. He asked Leonardo to bring the van around, and it showed up a few seconds later.

Sneezer, to my surprise, was not paying attention to anything. Instead he and Cupcake kept kissing, the mouse pawing all over her. It was a little strange because he was shorter than her, but they made it work.

Soon she whispered something in his hear, and she was flying him off in the air somewhere.

"So what next?" Amanda said to me.

"I thought you were eavesdropping," I said.

"Well..."

I told her about touring the sewer.

She rolled her eyes. "Tell me when you're about to have sex."

"No. I definitely won't be telling you that."

"I'm your sister."

"I know. A good sister would give me some space."

She looked hurt.

I opened my mouth to say something, but Extra darted out of my clothes and whispered in her ear.

She giggled and rubbed his head. "Thank you."

"Is he going to tell us?" Riffraff asked. "I mean, she?"

Amanda muttered in his ear. "Oh! All right."

He in turn told Cleo.

Since they didn't have a car anymore, the two walked away. Amanda asked them what they were doing, and when they said shopping, she joined them on their walk.

That left me alone with Splinter and his gang.

The tour of Splinter's lair was interesting. I got to see all sorts of neat stuff, the training room, the garage, complete with helicopters, boat and submarine (it makes no logical sense in terms of city planning or architecture), the den, the bonsai garden, a basketball court, and the turtles' individual rooms.

"This room belongs to Donatello," he said as he showed me a chamber full of strange gadgets, probably for closing dimensional portholes and tracking robots while simultaneously cooking pizza. "I would not touch anything. The last time I flipped a switch on a toaster, I ended up in the Shadow Realm."

"Popular place," I remarked. "Where does he get all his materials from?"

"He...takes things from junk yards."

"That's kinda illegal, isn't it?"

"It is not illegal to steal trash. It is public domain."

I shook my head. "Okay..."

The turtles were in the den, eating pizza and watching an old black and white horror movie. I asked them if they'd ever seen newer ones, like Elm Street or Saw, but they said no.

"So, I've always wondered, how do you guys get the money to pay for your pizzas? Or do you just steal them all the time?"

Splinter sighed. "Sadly, my sons have turned to minor crime. They only steal out of necessity. April and the others have helped us pay for things. Also, sometimes pizza delivery men have make deals with us. Do you judge us for this? The theft?"

"Um, no," I said. "I...imagine it's hard for a giant talking animal to find work."

"I have made efforts to make us self sustaining, but my sons do not like it. Here. I will show you."

Splinter had a miniature farm, growing rice and mushrooms and some other things, mirrors and fluorescents giving the plants light. The water, of course, was easily accessible.

At the end of this little farm, I stumbled across a small bedroom.

"And this is where I-"

I held up a paw to stop him. "I'm sure it's lovely. This has been...nice. Look, how about I show you my palace?"

He chuckled. "We have only just arrived. My sons may not wish to go driving again."

"It's not like you're saving the world or anything."

Extra popped out of my kimono. "Master, I will gladly summon transportation for you and your boyfriend. In fact, you are wanted at the Bird Palace."

I nodded, eager to be out of such an awkward situation. "You've never been to the bird palace before, have you, sensei?"

"I...have not. Please-"

"Sorry. Yamato."

I took his hand. "C'mon. Let's go."

Extra flapped in front of my face. "Master, it would be more convenient if you came to the surface first."

I glanced at sensei.

"I will show you."

As he lead me down a tunnel, I suddenly caught sight of Whiskers, riding on the back of the...friendly alligator, with a scone in his hand, relaxing on her spiny back like it were a couch.

When he saw me, he casually took another bite and waved to me like he wasn't doing anything unusual. He rode off into a nearby tunnel.

Having already told the turtles what he was doing, Splinter led me up a ladder to the surface. Extra chirped a few times, and a giant swarm of birds swooped down and carried us into the sky, over the city, to the giant ball of twigs the birds called a palace.

Trumpets announced our presence the moment we flew through the gates. Thousands of birds bowed their faces almost to the ground as we touched down and walked into the main chamber.

We marched ahead, and as we did, I heard the trumpeters, and birds with trumpeting beaks, doing the Star Wars coronation theme.

When we reached the end of the room, I froze, staring in shock at what I saw.

Four wooden thrones had been set up on the royal dais, two elevated, two on either side, on a slightly lower level. All empty.

"What's this?" I cried.

"Master," Extra muttered in my ear. "I think you know."

I swallowed. "One of those is for me?"

"Yes, and one for Splinter, if you so choose."

I took a deep breath. "So who are the other two for?"

Extra didn't answer.

For a moment, we just stood staring.

"What now?" Splinter asked.

"I don't know. Make ourselves at home, I guess."

As I walked around these strange thrones, I suddenly heard moans and giggling from the door behind the throne.

Rolling my eyes, I asked Extra to get his bird friends to open the floor hatch, so we could go downstairs.

Instead of doing that, he pecked at the door.

A moment later, I heard the sound of a crossbrace being slid back, and Cupcake stepped out the door, hitching her diaper up as she walked. Sneezer followed close behind, looking suspicious.

She nodded to me. "My king."

"Um, Cupcake? About that. I'm having difficulty...figuring out...how this ruling thing will work." I would have said `our relationships', but that would have sounded bad. "Could you explain these thrones?"

She chuckled a little. "Certainly."

She climbed the dais, seating herself in one throne, patting the one next to me. "This one, of course, is yours."

"And...the other ones?"

"Those are for the royal concubines, or, I guess, husbands, in this case."

She pointed to the one on her left. "That one is Chad, I mean, Sneezer's..."

Splinter smiled and seated himself in the other one.

He must have noticed me turn scarlet, for then he blurted, "I am sorry. I was tired."

"No, no, you're fine," Cupcake said. "Now, we just have a few things to go over, to make it official." She clapped her hands, and the birds opened the floor panel, flying us down into the royal dining room.

I and Splinter took seats at the head of this table, Cupcake and Sneezer adjacent. The other spots had been occupied by rather official looking birds, including the feathery sorceress from He-Man, Scrooge McDuck and Launchpad/Robo Duck, the snooty toucan from The Lion King, the owl with glowing eyes from Rats of NIMH, the argyle clad owl from Animal Crossing, currently asleep, a dark and brooding owl from Legend of the Guardians, and one of those red robed creatures from the junkyard, a bird, of course.

Other birds flocked around our table, on the floor, listening in.

Cupcake twisted the tail of a red tailed hawk, and it shrieked out loudly enough to get everyone's attention. "Ahem. I call the Council of Birds to session. It has been a hard and difficult rule, but I believe I have found someone, a partner, to share the burden, if she doesn't object."

"None whatsoever," I said. "As long as this is a purely political arrangement."

The Council stared at us.

"That's negotiable," Cupcake said quickly.

I cringed, but decided to say nothing.

"Is the candidate committed to rule the bird kingdom as long as she lives?" asked Mufasa's toucan.

The permanence frightened me. I momentarily couldn't speak. I got stares. "Well, I don't have anything else to do with my life." I sighed. "Yes. I commit."

Scrooge's adviser whispered in his ear.

"How is this candidate on finances?" McDuck asked.

Cupcake smiled. "Quite exceptional. He used to be a tax man."

Scrooge rubbed his beak thoughtfully.

"Does she smoke or use drugs?" the sorceress asked.

"No," Cupcake said.

"Is she a good friend? Does she always look for the good in others? Does she enjoy reading?"

"I assure you, Sorceress, that Drew has many desirable heroic qualities."

"I agree," said Splinter. "I do not see drew as the type who joins with the forces of evil."

Except Fatcat, I thought to myself.

"He's a pussy," Jessica Cupcake muttered, but then she slapped herself, apologizing to everyone.

"Is the candidate wise?" asked the NIMH owl.

Cupcake frowned, looking like her beak had stopped working. "Jessica doesn't want to comment on this subject."

"I admit I'm not the wisest..." I said.

Cupcake burst out laughing.

"Stop it, you!" Cupcake hissed to herself.

"...But I'm capable, I know stuff, and I have you guys' well being at heart."

"What do you know about...fossils?" Mr. Argyle said groggily.

I groaned. "A little."

"You're the perfect pick," Jessica Cupcake said. "You're a total bird brain." And then she smacked herself. "And so am I, apparently."

"Drew saved us from enslavement," Extra said. "And fought valiantly alongside our army against Miss Terious at the Bartle Hall convention center. Surely we need no other reasons to crown her."

"I disagree," said Mufasa's bird. "I'm not getting a sense of commitment here. What's more, he spurned the queen's affections, attacked several birds, then banished our queen to the Shadow Realm!"

"I've forgiven her," Cupcake Cupcake said. "I've had much time to...think about such things."

The toucan frowned. "Those Drew attacked during her first visit are not so forgiving."

"I've spoken to them," Cupcake said. "It was a misunderstanding. I was being too forward. They will be compensated."

"You're technically not king and queen. It's more like queen and queen. It's highly irregular."

"It's 2019," Cupcake said. "I believe my subjects are open minded enough for a new kind of rule."

Despite how lame the argument was, there were reluctant murmurs of agreement.

"How about this?" I said. "I was turned into a bird, and forced to carve Mr. Peanut out of a tree with my beak, so I know how your enslavement feels, firsthand...or wing."

The birds muttered loudly amongst themselves.

"Master Drew brought me back to life," Extra said. "He sheds tears over birds."

The room fell silent. I got stared at.

"I...like birds a lot," I said with a smile.

After an even longer silence, the NIMH owl announced, "I would like to raise a vote."

"Do we have a second on the suggestion?" Cupcake said.

The museum owl raised his wing, followed by Scrooge.

"Very well. We will hold the election by the ancient traditions of Gahoolie."

All of a sudden, the birds around the table appeared to be coughing up hairballs. NIMH owl hacked a few times, and a black pebble lands on the table, wet with saliva.

"One for," Cupcake muttered.

The museum owl regurgitated his own. Black.

"Two in favor."

Okay, so the regurgitating owls made sense, but now I saw the toucan gagging, and the red robed bird...and, weirdest of all, Sorceress.

They all voted in favor, even the toucan. I guess he had a change of heart.

...Well, ninety nine percent of them, at least. One of the owls spat up a Batarang, and the theme song to Batman started playing.

"So we are agreed," Cupcake said. "Drew is the new king."

"Not...exactly, my queen," the NIMH owl said. "We have decided upon a restructuring..."

"What!" Cupcake cried.

"We have decided to make Splinter and Drew into the new king and queen only to allow you to devote your full energies to the baby farms."

"But..." she stammered. "You can't do that! I'm the queen!"

"It's a two thirds majority vote. You will always be the queen of our hearts, majesty. Your rule remains absolute, but the throne will now belong to the king and his consort. Drew has shown strength in defending the interests of all birdkind. You, highness, are unparalleled in the management of the baby farms."

"That's sexist!" Cupcake cried. "I am the monarch of all birds!"

"It is not sexist. Drew is female. Additionally, you appeared powerless to stop the cruelty of Miss Terious. We need a strong monarch to defend our people from future incidents." The toucan leaned forward. "Do we have the turtles onboard for this?"

Splinter took a deep breath. "I...do not believe they will object."

"Wait," I blurted. "I, uh, we're just dating. This sounds...permanent."

"Drew," Cupcake said. "I think your friend can help us, even if you decide not to go steady."

I blushed.

"Though it would help to continue the royal line..."

"I have a question," Splinter said. "Must we be king and queen, or can we be emperor and empress instead?"

I heard a chorus of delighted oohs.

"I see no problem with a minor change of terminology," the toucan said. "We wish to be as culturally accommodating as possible."

The others nodded.

"Oh brother," Cupcake groaned.

"We must begin the coronation immediately," said NIMH owl. "Too long has the throne been left unoccupied."

"It's only been a few days," I said.

"It's been longer than that. First came our queen's long absence in the Shadow Realm, then came the war against Flo and Miss Terious..."

"Prepare these two with the finest of royal outfits," said the toucan.

"You sound like TV's Benson," I said.

"I refuse to comment on that."

I got whisked away to a small nest-like dressing room by a cloud of birds, who stripped me naked and put me in a fine silk Chinese outfit with a fat waist sash and ornate bird prints all over it. My hair got pulled back in a bun with golden rods stuck into it. They, uh, had dressed me in some other silk things, but I wasn't sure I wanted to put them on display...for anyone, at the moment, at least.

They were all designed for display, which made this whole thing rather awkward and embarrassing.

Before I could think about it too much, I got half pushed, half tugged out of the `changing nest', back up to the main entrance...where a line of birds chirped out Mendelssohn's bridal suite.

Oh God, I thought.

It got worse.

Someone had apparently sent out invites.

Everyone was there. Dad, Holli, Amanda, the Cat-Illac Cats, Sneezer, Whiskers, the alligator, Dane, her boyfriend, the floating Spacely guy from the flying jukebox, hell, even Jessica's boyfriend, the kangaroo eyepatch guy, was there with his baby.

In a normal wedding, people have jobs and things to attend to, and can't just pop in at a moment's notice. Not here.

"Let me guess," I muttered to Extra. "A little bird told them."

"Actually, Master," he said, blushing pink. "I told them."