Sarah and Pete from Ewes Bank were there, as well as the green blackjack dealer bear and his exotic dancer girlfriend Becky (somehow they were never returned to human form), the Vlassic Pickle guy and storks with yarmulkes.

The minister, of course, was a cardinal. The red bird was shorter than us, so it perched on the podium. It was cute. It kind of made marrying a cheesy rat sensei a little more...romantic, if that's the right word for it.

The cardinal chirped out a long wedding speech to me and the audience, which had all the vocal tones and inflections of every wedding speech I had ever heard, making it completely understandable to anyone who was listening, even if there hadn't been a secretary bird giving explanations (it wasn't Cupcake, surprisingly enough).

The cardinal turned toward me, chirping that line about sickness, health, and death do us part. Again, only birds and bird brains could understand that.

I looked at Master Splinter, blushing as he stared back.

Swallowing, I chirped, "I guess."

The cardinal gave me this look that said, "You can do better than that."

I looked into the rat's eyes, swallowing hard.

"We can't do this, Splinter!" I whispered. "I don't even know why I'm attracted to you or if I love you like that!"

"I have heard that love does not come from thinking or understanding," he said in his typical Kung-Fu old guy voice. "Love comes to you by doing!"

A bunch of Valentine hearts burst out of my fancy kimono. "Oh Splinter..."

The cardinal gave me this expression that said, "You're getting cold feet now?"

"Chirp chirp," I answered, though I was more than a little horrified to make such a deep commitment to a childhood...okay, so maybe I was a little okay with it.

The bird turned toward Splinter, and he was asking the question in English, with a voice that sounded like Tom Bosley's.

"Hai," Splinter replied.

The cardinal then gave the same sounds one would expect after both parties said I do.

We kissed, then Cupcake and a team of birds led us to the palace entrance, outside its gates, where a small yacht stood suspended in midair by a group of giant swans.

"What's all this?" I asked.

"For your honeymoon," she said. "I've arranged you a vacation in a little place called Valinor. They have a wonderful bed and breakfast."

I blushed deeply. "Uh, thank you, I guess."

"You seem to be saying I guess a lot."

"I will fix that," Splinter said confidently.

"I'm sure you will!" she giggled. "Have fun, you two!"

And then, in a conspiratorial whisper, "Don't get too wild on that cabin bed. Swans can be easily distracted. They might drop you."

"No, no," said one of the swans. "I promise we'll set them down before we start watching."

I shuddered.

I and my new husband climbed the gangplank, boarding the ship.

We didn't "get wild" at all, but rather just sat on the deck, drinking champagne that tasted like grape Fanta, and watching the scenery.

Valinor, it seemed, lay across an ocean, and it took awhile. Either that, or the birds were flying us in circles until the stars came out, making it that much more romantic.

We saw a fireworks show. Two, in fact,, one behind us at the bird palace, and one coming from an island straight ahead. The fireworks made the shapes of hearts and rings and ninja Chinese symbols and weapons.

The boat touched down along an elegant stone jetty. We disembarked, and a flock of doves led us into the city.

Valinor was like a Paris for birds. All around us we saw bird statues and fountains and buildings that looked like bird houses. Bird bakeries filled the air with various delicious smells.

We arrived at the bed and breakfast, which wasn't like any bed and breakfast I expected, but more like a giant hotel.

Giant swans made of silver framed its gate, with golden beaks and diamonds for eyes, the building itself featuring bird statues on every balcony and rooftop. The interior looked exactly like an Omni Hotel, staffed by birds.

We took an elevator to a suite on the very top floor, a floor which was, by itself, just one ridiculously big suite.

A `living room' stood near the elevator. It had a massive palatial dining room, a jacuzzi, a sauna, a massage parlor complete with avian masseuses, and a bedroom that resembled a belfry with padded walls, pitted with mirrors, beds and bondage stuff at regular intervals all the way up. Cupcake, unsurprisingly, liked to get a little freaky.

The bed on the `ground level' was a nest of solid oak weave, padded all the way around, and full of feather pillows. Master Splinter grunted in approval.

I didn't want this, but yet I did.

The ninja rat undid my sash.

"Master Splinter!" I protested.

"Our skills are evenly matched," he purred. "If you do not want this, you may throw me through a wall."

"Master Splinter!" I breathed.

His muzzle came close, and he started kissing me.

I pushed him back, and we stared at each other for a moment.

"My apologies for my...lack of restraint. It has been a long time."

My emotions were too confused. I couldn't think of anything to say.

He slid a paw around my waist. "You must tell me if I am making you uncomfortable."

I grabbed him around the neck, kissing him passionately.

Our paws slid into each other's Mandarin outfits, peeling them away from our bodies.

And there I was, displaying my...other silk things.

Crunch, chomp, chomp.

I glanced back and saw Riffraff, Cleo, Amanda, Sneezer, and Cupcake sitting in a little opera booth, munching popcorn as they watched us, like they were at the movies. My sister crossed and uncrossed her legs.

"Ignore them," Splinter growled. "Do not let it ruin the moment."

I swallowed. "Can't you throw a suriken or something and close down the show?"

He grinned. "And where is the fun in that?...Besides, you are royalty."

I responded with a shudder. "F-fine. Okay..."

Yamato pulled me close, helping me out of my bra, removing my panties with his tail.

"Uh...sensei?"

"It's Yamato."

"Sorry. Yamato. Don't you think we should, I don't know, use some protection?"

He pressed his silken boxers against me. "You and I are strong martial artists. We will protect each other!"

I groaned. "Okay, fine. I guess I always wanted to know what motherhood feels like."

Then I paused. "No. Wait. That's right. I signed away my child bearing rights."

I gulped, suddenly feeling guilty.

When he didn't understand, I explained the paper I signed with Cupcake.

"It is okay. I still love you." He took me in his arms and kissed me.

"This isn't something I've ever done before," I said between kisses. "I mean, sleeping with a guy. I really never thought it would be something I'd do."

"You are female. And I am male. Let your body tell you what to do."

That simple. Like he were telling me a Kung Fu move.

"That's not what I'm afraid of."

"Afraid that you'll lose control?"

I shook my head. "No. Afraid that I'll like it."

I saw his muzzle curl into a smile. "I'm afraid I'll like it too."

I closed my eyes and kissed him, my paws roving around his chest. I never pictured him having much muscle there, but his pecs were pretty firm.

His paws slid around my hips, tracing the curve of my buttocks. I decided I didn't mind. Especially when I got to touch his, and pull off his boxers along the way.

Splinter bumped into the nest, my nest, and I gave him a shove.

It didn't work as I planned. Being a ninja master, he used my momentum to throw me onto the mattress, and he was on top. Sexy mistake?

My bare breasts tingled as his body pressed against me. As a doodle, I thought I wasn't supposed to feel things, but maybe something got rewritten, or maybe it was the fact I was part human, somewhere.

"Be gentle," I whimpered. "It's my first time as a woman."

He chuckled softly. "We shall do it...Tai Chi style."

He rolled me over on top of him. "Perhaps this will help?"

"Better," I said with a slight smile. We both laughed.

The next part wasn't so funny. I kinda lost all self respect and did what felt good to me.

Let's just say I enjoyed it on Splinter's `like meter' a lot more than I thought I would. It goes without saying that he liked me.

I let out high pitched girly moans as I rode up and down on his lap, the sensei responding with sounds like a lazy guard dog growling half heartedly at a burglar.

"Sensei," I said in a shuddering gasp. "Do me a favor. Please don't say `cowabunga' while we're doing this. Ever."

I thought he looked hurt, but he merely gave me a nod. "As long as you never call me sensei."

I swallowed hard. "I...suppose I can live with that."

I relaxed and let my body do what it wanted, as much as it wanted. I heard pattering wings, saw birds perching on the belfry fixtures to watch, but I'd stopped caring. I felt too good.

As our movements quickened, and I felt a climax approaching, I got a little too carried away and found myself blurting, "Oh sensei!"

I covered my mouth, but it was too late.

Splinter let out a mischievous chuckle, making me blush all over my body.

"Oh no," I muttered, but we were already there.

I rode his thrust once more, and then I felt a geyser of tingling warmth erupting into me.

"Cowabunga!" the rat shouted as pleasure exploded through my body.

Oh God, seriously? I thought, but only moaning came out of my mouth as the sensation rushed through my body.

I was glowing, the brightness radiating outward from my crotch to the ends of my fingers, toes and tail.

I collapsed, sated, into his arms.

My audience broke out in applause. Amanda gave me a wolf whistle.

I was still glowing as the throbs of pleasure subsided.

"I am happy to have you as my empress," Splinter said as he smoothed the fur on my buttocks.

"Ditto," I moaned.

That's when Nurse Cupcake fluttered down from the belfry, perching on the side of our literal love nest.

She opened her briefcase, giving me a pen and clipboard with a stack of paper on it.

"What's this?" I groaned.

"This is a birthing and reproduction renewal form. This re-enrolls you into NBF, if you so choose."

Swallowing hard, I took the pen and clipboard into my trembling hands.