A Petal Down The River

By Rose

:.:In Revenge, Who Wins:.:

I knelt next to to green-tinted river, running my hands through the water. Little voices in my head were filling me with lies, lies that were just there to hurt me more and more. I wanted to smile, I wanted happiness.

The God's forsake me, and I have been damned.

I don't know what my tribe will become, I don't know how we will survive-but somehow, I guess, we'll have to manage. It wasn't love anymore, it wasn't love that pained my heart-but lack there of.

Kouga said today would be the day he returned, and he said he'd make his decision today about conjoining. I both feared and anticipated it, but I think, in the end, fear one. I wasn't scared, no, I hated the idea of him saying yes and me loving him-me giving myself to him again only to be torn apart.

I feared my own emotions.

Grandfather was well on his way to death, old and decaying, but he was still here. Maybe he was holding out, holding out to when he can finally just let go. I wish I could help him, help him drift out to sea in eternal happiness and ease. I couldn't, though, could I? How could I? Look at Kouga, that beast of a man. How dare he! Rage consumed me, and before I knew it, I had splashed the water and began storming around hitting trees and anything. I felt blind rage, rage that only mad me even madder that I felt it. I wanted to feel pain, I wanted pain instead of rage, but it wouldn't come.

He was both nice and mean, bipolar if you will. How could I ever compete with Kagome for him? Kagome was so sweet, so kind and gentle. If Kouga loved her the way I thought he did, they'd be perfect for eachother. Kouga and I would only fight until one of us died… And, chances were, he'd kill me. First on the inside with my heart, and then mental fatigue, and then physical fatigue until I just died completely and shut down. But, he'd be happy then, wouldn't he? He'd get the land, and Kagome…

If I were dead after we mated…

Kagome was human.

It was like all of this had just hit me, just now. Kouga was a perfect leader, and he didn't need me. The only time he'd need me was to mate with me so the pacts would join, and after that, it wouldn't matter if I was alive or dead. If we mated, and I gave myself to him, and the packs joined, that'd be it, he wouldn't need me. I could just die and give him everything he ever wanted…

Was I cynical? Was I a horrible person for thinking this?

Maybe not death…

I stared at the last tree I had hit in my rage, a tall tree, lumbering in height. My hands were bleeding now, but I didn't care. I had the perfect plan now.

I'd mate with Kouga, run away, and live alone while he ran over the packs with Kagome. It was perfect, there were no flaws. No other male would try to take me, so heart ache wouldn't be a matter in this- and since Kouga didn't love me…

I felt a slight pain, even admitting this to myself hurt…

…Kouga didn't love me… I took a deep breath physically, before finishing mentally that he wouldn't follow because he didn't love me. And it was the hardest thing in my life to admit, and I knew that even in the many years to come, I would never get over it.

One night with Kouga…

One night to love him, and for him to…

…

To make love to me.

I ran back then, back home to grandfather hurriedly. I was no longer scared of Kouga's decision. If he said no, I'd live with this pack until we died-which would more than likely be inevitable. If he said yes, then the previous plan would go into action.

I don't know where I'd live, but I was more than sure I could find somewhere.

I smiled when I saw grandfather sitting on a mat outside of his den. He, along with two guards, were waiting for Kouga. I took a quick kneel bowing my head, and then looked up at him smiling.

"Ayame," He breathed slowly, and I nodded for him to continue, "If…"

He just sighed then, and gave me a very earnest smile, reaching out and patting my shoulder.

"Love grows," He said calmly, and my smile was wiped away. He didn't understand that I was leaving, and I couldn't tell him or anyone. No one was to know, they would just know that Kouga was their new leader.

It was only a matter of minutes before the head guards ran up, yelling out that Kouga was nearby and coming quickly.

I took a deep sigh, before taking my place next to grandfather and bowing my head.

"Heya, pops," A cocky voice filtered my ears mere seconds later.

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Disclaimer: I do not own Inu Yasha, the characters, Japan, or so on. You should all know this, though. I mean, seriously.

AN: As I was writing this, I figured that Ayame could "die" but Kouga would still run the pack. As they have mated and conjoined their packs, they have become one pack, and, you know, eventually one of them is bound to die but the pack is to keep going.

In deeper thought on this, I was figuring how it would work out for the kids (usually the predecessor of the royalty) and that Kouga and Kagome mating would have a half-demon. Now, remember, this is a Kouga/Ayame ficlet, so let's not go all into that, hmm? And anyways, it was Kouga would loved Kagome and wanted her, so obviously he must have not cared about breeding half-demons.

This is just so you understand how I was writing this, and I didn't just make it all up off the top of my head without a floor plan.