The Price of Caring
A/N - major spoilers for Vol. 13. Please do not continue if you do not like spoilers. I decided it was time to do Syaoran-thoughts with reference to a manga volume… the opposite of the Kuro-thoughts in No Weaknesses. Wow. I actually tried to write someone different! (cheers) No pairings.
Disclaimer - Don't own, enough said.
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I feel as though I know him now. Kurogane-san. I think I can see things that were hidden to me before - things that I would never have guessed were there. I wish I hadn't intruded on what are obviously still painful memories for Kurogane-san… but… I'm also thankful that he doesn't seem to mind. It's shameful to admit it, but I'm glad I know. I'm glad he isn't angry. But mostly I'm glad that he seems to trust me, with the knowledge of his past, with other things.
Kurogane-san is always so strong, so proud, so completely certain of what he is and where he's going, and why he's doing it that way. I've… always admired him for that. But I never understood how someone so supremely confident in his own abilities could never ease up or smile.
Now I see why. I've seen that he wasn't always like this. It's because of what happened that he's so different now. He used to smile. I think that's why I didn't realize that the boy in the book was Kurogane-san at first… he had such a warm, glad smile. It's so strange to think of him like that. It's odd to think of Kurogane-san being innocent - but he was, once - and that innocence wasn't just cleanly broken. It was torn and maimed beyond repair. I can't imagine what it did to him - but I can see some of its effects.
Kurogane-san has always seen himself as protecting the ones who meant the most to him. He and I are alike, in that respect. And so I know that it's because he feels that way that he also sees himself as responsible for… what befell his parents.
I know why when he fights he gives no mercy. Somewhere, deep inside, I think he decided that no one he loved would ever die because he wasn't quick enough to act ever again. Maybe he doesn't even know he made that promise. But it's obvious to me, in his quick, immediate response when any of us are in trouble, in his worry that the princess he serves will not be there to greet him when he returns. He can't trust to fate to keep his most important person safe. I can't blame him.
Fighting is what he does best, he'll claim. And it's true that he's very good at it, but I think that what he does best, what he does most naturally isn't quite so narrow - it's protecting those who can't fight to protect themselves. He grumbles and complains about it, but I… I don't think it bothers him as much as he lets on.
Somewhere between fighting monsters and learning to trust each other, we've all become important enough to him that he'll fight to keep one of us from dying, or to revenge someone's death. I found that out in the place called Fairy Park, when he decided to fight Seishiro-san because he believed that Fai-san and I were dead. He swears and yells and threatens to kill Fai-san and Mokona, and I've heard him call me 'brat' when he doesn't think I can hear… but I don't really mind, because I don't think he really means it. Maybe he meant it at first - he unnerved me through those first few worlds, when I didn't know him well enough to see that that's just how he was - but I don't think he really does mean it any more.
I think he's afraid.
I can only imagine his anger if he knew I'd thought that about him, but as odd as it sounds - almost odder than knowing he was such a happy child - I think that's what he is.
I saw what happened to him, you see.
I saw him weep. I never, ever thought I would. It let me see something he's never let anyone see. He's human. He's loved.
I… I wept too, because I could feel the pain and the loss that he was trying so hard to control, trying and failing. I know this, too: if I ever lost people that I loved in such a rapid, stomach-churning manner, I would be terrified to let anyone else get close to me ever again. Even just thinking about it… about losing Sakura-hime like that… about losing Fujitaka-san like Kurogane-san lost his father… I don't know if I could be strong enough to go on, even if I thrust it away from me, even if I held it all inside, far from conscious thought.
I think that fear is partly why Kurogane-san refuses to act as though he really cares what happens to us, refuses to relax around me and Sakura-hime, Fai-san and Mokona. Because losing someone is too hard.
Yes, I know he does care what happens to us. He hides it, but every now and then, in the middle of an attack, I can catch a glimpse of that fear in his eyes.
I don't know if any of the others see it, although Sakura-hime has always had a special sense for that kind of thing. She sees much that would be hidden from most of us. I wonder if she already knew? And I think that maybe Fai-san might be able to tell. I've seen the same fear in his eyes once or twice as well, in Oto, in the world with the cyclone, a momentary flash in Piffle during the Dragonfly Race. Does he know that he's not the only one with that fear? Does he see it in me, in Sakura-hime, in Mokona, in Kurogane-san? It's so hard to tell with Fai-san.
Kurogane-san told me not to take his old scars onto myself. I know he meant it, but I also know that I can't keep that promise not to remember, and hurt for him.
I have that same fear. And that's the price we all have to pay when we start to care about someone.