Issues of Trust

A/N - So much for this being a short drabble. Wrote this just after I read Vol. 8, as you should probably be able to tell, since all the conversation is direct quotage. It is sooo cute! Vol. 8, not this so much. And I just finished reading chapter 112 (well, looking at the pretty pictures and then reading the translation - I loveth the splash page! It really does look like he got splashed! Heh… Hot guys are hotter when wet….) so I could compare this and that. And I'm…. sort of…. pleased to announce that I'm thinking… I'm thinking I'm somewhat right. Waaaiii… Fai-chaaaan…. (huggles)

Not KuroFai! Do I really need to keep saying it? It never is.

And yes. I am trying to get out of writing just these two characters, but they're great fun and anyways I love them to pieces. I am TRYING. I've planned other pieces with other characters, but I don't know quite where to put them. I'll figure something out. I'm trying to go into other characters, but I do love my Big Kitty and my Big Puppy. (smirks) I've always been such a softy for animals.

Disclaimer - Don't own, wish I owned Fai so I could give him a great big hug. (cough)

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Almost morning... and I wish it would hurry up and be dawn.

"It doesn't matter what I think." His expression is pensive, but not particularly angry. It seems to be more that he's trying to get me to tell him something. "You aren't gonna tell me about it, right?" It's almost accusing. Almost.

I'm silent, unsure as to whether the drink is making him sulkier than usual… or if he's just tired of chasing after my butterfly answers to everything, if he's merely annoyed and wishes I would smarten up and be straight with him, or anyone, about anything… just for once.

I can't tell. His tone suggests the second, but that alone seems weird. No matter how much he'd drank last night, I doubt it was enough for him to seriously care about what I'd have to say to him. Kuro-pon just doesn't like secrets, or lies; and I guess I'm guilty of both.

I know that if he really is interested in hearing me talk, it's only because he hates people hiding things from him, not for any other reason. Like concern. I don't think Kuro-chii really likes me all that much.

Heh… I lie even to myself.

I know he hates me. And I know he's not trying to get me to talk because he wants me to trust him. He's not the sort of person to ask for trust, especially from someone like me. Besides, hearing him say that is about as unlikely as him figuring out that I'm not, actually, called, "that damn magician," "the skinny guy," or, "you bastard." I'm not a bastard; I was legitimate, thank you very much… although I think he uses that word to mean something else, besides a comment on my parentage. And in that case I guess he is getting closer to the truth, whether he realizes it or not.

Besides… Kuro-tan has his own troubles in the trust department.

I know he tries to make me angry, make me scared, get any reaction out of me other than a smile. He's so blunt and direct about it, too. I can just glide past his questions, smiling at how clumsy he can be. Kuro-ji is like a bad archer using an enormous crossbow; just by moving aside I can make him shoot himself in the foot.

But I don't underestimate him; he might not be much of an archer, but… that Puppy-chan knows how to stab right to the heart.

I know he hates me. I know he doesn't worry about me, because you don't worry about the people you hate, or the ones who hate you. I'm everything he's not - his complete opposite, really - so he hates me. I… can't say the same. I see the differences; even a blind man could. But I also see beyond those. To the core of him, if you will… well, as best as anyone can! - and I think he's really not so different than me, under it all, under the mask. Except that for him… what's under that mask has stayed pure. So, I don't hate him.

But I guess I'm maybe a little jealous.

I should hate him because of that, I guess… but I've never been very good at hating people. Loathing them… yes. But hate?

I respect Kuro-chan. I really do. That's why I tease him so mercilessly. Because I do rather like him, in spite of it all. He really is a good guy, even if he likes to think he isn't.

I know all this. And I know he wants me to answer, but I can't, because no matter how I respond to his challenge he will hate me all the more because of it.

So I just smile, see his eyes narrow, and say, "Who knows? You may be wrong."

He can ask - I'll let him - and I'll see… I'll see if I'm brave enough to answer.

"It may be just a statue, but they started talking about Yasha. And the name of Ashura came out, too." His eyes fix on mine as though he's trying to pin me in place, keep me from worming out of this one. "It was just at that time that I saw your face lose colour." His tone is quiet, hard… cold.

I feel my smile fade… melt into something sad. I hadn't even noticed that, and yet he had. Oh, what things have come to…

It wasn't even the Ashura that I know. Just the name was the same.

So. He wants me to tell him why the name Ashura affects me so.

I know Kuro-rin is smart. I know he picks up on more than most people would ever give him credit for. People see the muscles, the looming figure, the Glare, and don't bother to look any further.

I know that. So why should his observation surprise me? What had I just been thinking? Puppy-chan knows how to stab right to the heart.

I'm positive that he hates me… so why does he keep asking questions, why does he keep prying and trying to make me take responsibility for myself and live - as though he cares?

He still hasn't taken his eyes off of me. Kuronta has a stare that would give a statue a headache.

Why ask, why pry, if you don't really want to know? If your only reason is not liking secrets? Everyone should have some secrets. And it's not like my own secret will threaten him, or any of the others, not if I keep them from getting any more involved with me. Why won't he let me be? Does he like to see me squirm so much? Is he that callous that he finds it amusing to pry into my private, separate life when I so clearly don't want him - or anyone - to?

His eyes flicker momentarily… soften ever so slightly at the corners?

It has to be my imagination, but it throws a wrench into my logical reasoning for not telling him.

Am I wrong not to trust him? Am I wrong to not give in, give him the answers he wants, let go of the weight of secrets that I so badly want to, be straight with him as I've never managed to do with anyone else since… Celes? Is he trying to help me, trying to open me up?

I think it would be nice to be able to trust someone. I really do. I think it would be nice not to have to hide, to stretch the truth. I think it would be nice to find someone I can just talk to, someone who would listen and not judge me, someone who wouldn't draw away, eyes wary and mistrustful. So nice…

But if that person exists, I doubt that it's Kuro-puu. If I'd even want it to be Kuro-puu. And I won't have Sakura-chan or Syaoran-kun take on that weight. They have enough to worry about on their own. Finding Sakura-chan's memories is heavy enough... especially for Syaoran-kun, who knows she will never remember him again, even if he finds them all. I know how that must hurt him.

And... I'm no longer sure that I know how to trust. Not after what's happened.

So I don't say anything, until I see his eyes narrow again in disgust and exasperation. I don't change my expression. I don't look away.

It's better this way. Better that he doesn't know what he's really asking for.

And the knock on the door is a welcome intrusion into our silence.