Unwell

by quixotic-hope

Harry reflects on life post GoF. Another fic I transferred over. Used to be a songfic shocking, I know! Me, write a songfic?. Not slash, but it is funny seeing how I used to write compared to now.

This used to be a songfics to Matchbox 20's "Unwell" but I didn't want my account to be deleted so I had to get rid of the lyrics.

Sixteen-year-old Harry Potter lay on his bed at Privet Drive, thinking about that night in June. It had taken him this long to realize that June was his least favorite month. Everything bad happened in June. Voldemort almost got the Sorcerer's Stone in June. Both he and Ginny nearly died in the Chamber of Secrets in June. He let Pettigrew escape, causing Sirius to have to flee for his life, in June. Voldemort came back, killing Cedric Diggory, in June. And then this last June. It was definitely the worst June of his life. The June that he was told the reason Voldemort appeared at his house and killed his parents all those Halloweens ago. The June that he heard the prophecy. The June that Sirius died.Harry couldn't sleep. It was all up to him. The fate of the world lay in this sixteen-year-old's hands. The mere thought of it made Harry feel sick. They were all counting on him to kill Voldemort. Everyone was, whether they knew it or not. They were all thinking that someone must kill him. And that someone was Harry James Potter.Harry blinked back the tears that were struggling so hard to escape. He rolled over on the bed and buried his face in the pillows. He couldn't do it. No matter what Dumbledore told him, he couldn't do it. Voldemort had chosen wrong. Harry wasn't the one to kill him. Maybe the prophecy was wrong. Hermione was right, Trelawney was a big fake, the prophecy probably wasn't true.

But then again, hadn't her last prophecy come true? Hadn't Pettigrew, who was stuck as a rat for twelve years, broken free that night? Hadn't Pettigrew also gone crawling back to Voldemort, and brought him back? Greater and more terrible than ever before... His parents wouldn't have gone into hiding, and Dumbledore wouldn't have been so afraid to tell him the prophecy if they hadn't believed it to be true.

It was all his fault. No matter what Dumbledore said, it was Harry's fault that Sirius was dead, not Dumbledore's. It was Harry's fault that everyone he loved was going to die. He couldn't kill Voldemort. There was no way that he could do it.Sirius was dead. Gone forever and there was nothing Harry could do about it. Maybe Voldemort had had it right all along. It was better not to care about anyone. Think only about yourself. If Harry hadn't cared so much about Sirius then he wouldn't have died. If his parents hadn't loved him as much as they did they would still be alive. Dumbledore had said that it was Harry's heart that had saved him from Voldemort. But what good was living if everyone you loved was dead?

For they would all die because of him in some way or another. They would either die trying to protect him or die because he had failed and Voldemort had taken over the world. It was a lose/lose situation, a Catch 22.

Everyone stared at him. Wherever he went he was stared at. And then the whispers would start to break out. He was getting sick of it. If they knew the truth about him and his life, they wouldn't act the way they did. No, they'd act worse. They'd all fuss about how much he ate and tell him to sleep. The Weasleys would do that now, of course, but if the entire world knew about it, the whispers would surely last forever, even after he was dead.He was going crazy. There was no escape from the emotional torture that was being placed on him. All during the day, his thoughts were of Sirius. Had he just listened to Lupin, Sirius, heck, even Snape, and learned Occlumency, then he wouldn't have had that dream about Sirius. Or if he had listened to Hermione, when she told him that it was a trap. Or that mirror Sirius gave him. He had been so sure he was going to be able to talk to him again that he had overlooked the obvious. He could have used that mirror to see whether Sirius was at Grimmauld Place or not. Then he would have known that Sirius was alright, and not had to rely on the word of that lying traitor, Kreacher. Why hadn't he opened the mirror when Sirius gave it to him? It took Harry a minute to come up with the answer, and when he did he was even more furious with himself. He didn't want to be the one to lure Sirius out of hiding. A lot of good that did...Oh what he wouldn't give to start it all over. To have learned Occlumency like he was supposed to. To have Sirius back. The things that Kreacher told the Malfoys rang through Harry's ears. It made him feel worse than anything else did, even the prophecy. The person Sirius cared most about in the world was you. And look how he thanked him. He killed the one person on Earth that could understand what he was going through. Who knew what it was like to have nobody believe you. To live with a "family" that hated you. To be trapped in a house that you hated. He had killed the one person on Earth who had meant the most to him.

Did Sirius blame himself for Harry's parents' deaths. Yes. The answer was simple, he had told Harry in the Shrieking Shack back when they had first met. Harry I as good as killed them. Tears streamed down Harry's face as he remembered. Sirius blamed himself for their deaths, yet it was Harry's fault they were dead. He had never told Sirius that he didn't blame him. He would never get a chance to.

One day soon Voldemort was sure to come after Harry again. And one day he would succeed. And then Harry would get to see Sirius again. He would get to tell him how sorry he was, and beg his forgiveness. Sirius would forgive him, he knew it. And for the first time in over a month, Harry fell into a dreamless sleep.

Please review and tell me what you think. I transferred this to my new account (well, not 'new,' really, but newer than the account this used to be on.