I cannot apologize enough for the extreme wait on this chapter. My only escuse is that it was excrutiatingly hard to write. Not because of what happens, but because I couldn't seem to make it work in any format that I liked. My original idea for this story tied in with thetitle and supported the story's final outcome. Well, it doesn't really do that anymore. If you're confused, its ok, so am I. I considered deleting this chapter and starting over completely but that would take way too long and I know everyone was already mad at me for not updating in let's see...almost three months! So I bit lip and got through it, for you guys. The ending scene is not as good as I would have liked. I don't like this chapter at all though, because I know its stinky and bad. So I beg you, please read it anyways and I promise the next chapter will be ten times better!
On a positive note, I got my Prom Dress today:)
I forgot to give a disclaimer to the song used in the last chapter (Jesse's POV). It's called 'Just Friends' by Gavin DeGraw.
The song used in this chapter is 'Undiscovered' by Ashlee Simpson. However, she only sings it (when she's not lip syncing). I'm willing to bet money she didn't actually write it.
Disclaimer: Meg Cabot would have put out three novels in the time it's taken me to make one lowsy update.
I'm so tired of running. Seriously, you'd think my legs would have given out by now. Well, they did. I collapsed after running at least a mile down the beach. You have to give me credit; running barefoot in the sand with no previous conditioning is not easy. I tossed my shoes somewhere a couple hundred yards back. They were slowing me down.
After at least twenty minutes of crying I stopped. I sit now, doing nothing and pretending that my life wasn't screwed beyond belief. The sun is just about gone. The beach is quiet and barren. I can still hear my heart pumping, chasing my pulse.
I lazily drag my hand through the damp sand. Tiny crumbs scrape against my raw skin. My thumb carves a thin line through the grains while my other four fingers produce a thick streak above it. I look down at my creation, a simple form of idle behavior. Then I laugh without humor.
A thin line. There's a thin line between love and hate. You see it in movies and TV shows all the time. Two characters hate each other so much and live for the insults they dish out when really – as one of them soon realizes – they're spending all their energy focusing on this one person whom they claim to have nothing but hostile feelings towards when its just a subconscious cover for their desperate need to be with that person, and near them, and next to them. You hate everything they do, but you're crazy for them to do it.
Like the way I feel for Paul. But I hate how he makes me feel. Don't get me wrong, the good stuff is good, but right now I'm sitting in the sand all alone after spending nearly two days on the run.
Because I can't feel anything for him. I can't give him anything when giving him my heart means breaking some one else's.
I shake the thoughts from my head, just trying to let go and think of nothing. I glance towards my other sketch, the thick line. That's not how the saying goes. There's a thin line between love and hate but there's a thick line between… what? Nothing? Something? What's the purpose of having a thin line to catch you off guard if there's no thick line for you to be sure of?
Whatever. I don't have the mind capacity to even attempt to figure that one out.
Instead, I decide to channel my therapist from New York. Despite the fact that my mother made me feel like a complete sociopath when she signed me up, I amazingly learned something. I learned that when you have a problem, you should go to the root of it.
First of all, my problem seems to center around two people. Obviously those people would be a certain Jesse DeSilva and Paul Slater. Step one is identification. Now that that's over with, I'm not sure what to do next.
This all started when I let Paul drive me to his house after school, two days ago. It was supposed to be an impromptu shifting lesson. Paul promised pizza and managed to coax me into his car with praise of how good my speech had been. I was a little surprised, seeing as I was attempting to overthrow his personal play kitten, Kelly, from her reign as my class's student body president.
But I went with him, nonetheless. Partly because I thought it would be fun. CeeCee was busy after school with the paper, covering the election – but promised to take me out celebrating if I won. And partly because I honestly thought Paul was seriously happy for me.
I wasn't thinking of Jesse then…because Jesse just didn't understand the whole student council thing. He thinks it's juvenile because its not real politics. And after listening to me complain about how much of a popularity contest it is with Kelly, I guess I can't blame him. But still, he didn't say anything to me that morning while I was getting ready, no words of encouragement.
Then when Paul started kissing me, I just…gave in. It seemed rational enough, Jesse was ignoring me ever since that kiss in my bedroom. I felt even more distant from him than ever. Paul was just…there. He was there, and he was willing, and… my god he definitely knew what he was doing.
Out of frustration with myself I threw a nearby pebble forcibly into the water. Sure, Paul was there, willing, but he wasn't Jesse. He wasn't the guy I spent hours thinking of during classes. Or the one who closed my window every night after I fell asleep. He wasn't the one who saved my life numerous times.
But at the same time, Jesse wasn't the one who congratulated me first after my speech. He wasn't the one who told me everyday of the week leading up to elections that I was sure to win. He wasn't the one who told me I was beautiful – continuously, whether I liked it or not. He wasn't the one who knew what my body wanted…needed.
But Jesse wasn't like Paul. He didn't play mind games. He wasn't out for himself. He didn't have an ego bigger than the Pacific. Jesse was a man. He was older, yeah, but also sure of himself. He didn't need the approval of everyone else. Jesse had confidence. And unlike Paul, he didn't get that confidence by demeaning everyone around him. There was maturity in Jesse that Paul could only hope to achieve.
Jesse was just naturally, honestly, and completely a good person. He wasn't a variable. He was a constant - well, up until a few weeks ago. Jesse was like…the perfect man. Never too forward. Never too assuming. He didn't take advantage of anyone, and he was always looking out for other people.
But in way, that's not such a big attribute seeing as he couldn't really look out for himself – he's already dead. It didn't matter if Jesse got stabbed in the head, he can't die twice.
I blinked a few times as the sun rays became blindingly bright. In just a few minutes the sun would be below the horizon and the rays would all disappear. Why did they only reach their most beautiful state – the brightest shine – right before the end?
Tears had been slowly building behind my eyes again. I could not believe the mess I was in. I had basically runaway from home. That wasn't my intention in the beginning. I do plan on going back, I just don't know when. There will be questions and punishments and too much that I can't handle right now.
For the first time since I first moved to California I felt alone. Really alone. The two people that I would call in a situation like this are the two people that caused it. I never realized how much I depend on each of them. How much I knew, in the back of my mind that I could count on either one of them for anything.
Paul said it was because he liked me, and his devotion to prove this had lead to a lot of compromising situations – and positions. With Jesse it was that kiss in my room, and him staying in this world even when he had to the chance to go on. Talk about ironic: Paul would probably die for me, Jesse stayed alive – sort of – for me.
Something was nagging at me, struggling for observation and contemplation. But I kept pushing it away. Deep down, I knew I would have to decide. But I couldn't. It just wasn't that easy. They both offered me so much. But there was one thing that Paul had over Jesse: life. Do I forsake Jesse, simply because he's dead? What kind of person does that make me? Do I feel the way I do for Paul simply because he's alive?
I noticed him walking towards me out of the corner of my eye. I blinked ferociously and fought the tears back as far as they would go. He had seen enough of my weakness. I had to start taking the offense.
"What are you doing here Paul?" I asked, not looking at him as he sat down a few feet away. I guess my previous assault had shaken some fear into him. Great, now he's scared of me.
Maybe it's better that way.
"I really don't know," he replied, his voice soft and blank. That answer was surprising enough that turned to look at him. When I did I gasped in shock. The whole left side of his face was covered in a thick, white bandage. I could see faint red stains where there must be blood underneath.
My mouth hung open in shock. Had I done that? Were brass knuckles really that dangerous? I felt a sting in my chest as guilt crept in. Sure, Paul was an ass that successfully managed to turn my life upside down. But he'd never hurt me physically. I had no right to go and disfigure him.
Slowly I recovered from my shock. Then awkwardness flowed in. What do I say to him? How do I explain everything? How do I describe all the pain that being with him caused me even after all the pleasure it brought? How do I tell him about Jesse? How do I explain what Jesse means to me?
How do I explain that to myself?
Apparently I didn't have to, because Paul started the conversation.
"What did I do wrong?" he asked, still not looking at me. But his posture and the way he shrugged his shoulders showed me that he honestly didn't know the answer. Neither did I. In truth, Paul hadn't really done anything wrong. He just acted on his own feelings…and although I have told him more than enough times that I have no interest in being with him, I kind of didn't tell him that two days ago.
So its not like out little make-out session was non-consensual. But all the same, he knew my feelings for him couldn't have just changed overnight? Right? Paul wasn't that desperate was he? It's not like he couldn't have any other girl in the school.
In a feeble attempt to say something I whispered, "I'm sorry about your chin."
He didn't respond, didn't flinch, and didn't blink. There is the slight chance that he just came down here to sue me for bodily harm. But I doubt it. He knows that he caused me just as much pain. Paul was hidden in his deep green sweatshirt with the hood pull up. I couldn't tell what he was thinking any more than I could figure out my own thoughts.
Being in his presence was, in a way, calming. I'm tired of being of alone. Paul might not be my number one choice for company, but it was nice to know someone cared about me – still cared about me. Paul never gave up.
"I'm sorry Paul," I whispered. There was no use in delaying it. I would have to explain everything sooner or later. For his sake, I might as well do it now. "What happened between us…shouldn't have happened. I shouldn't have gone home with you. I shouldn't have kissed you." I swallowed. Why was this so hard? It was the truth, so why did my heart feel like someone was ripping it out – again?
"I don't know…it was just wasn't right," I continued uneasily, "While I was there… things were good. But later, when I realized what I had done…I couldn't remember why I felt happy. How could I be happy when Jesse had seen? I hurt him so badly. I just…" I trailed off, not knowing what to say.
Paul took it all quietly, starring blankly at the ocean. But I knew he was listening. There was finality to what I had said. To him, that day at this house might have been the reward for the months he'd spent chasing me. For all I know that could have been the best afternoon of his life. I had just told him that to me, it was my biggest mistake.
Five minutes later he turned to me, and leaned over so his face was level and there were only inches between us. I felt heat rise to my face. I didn't want to be this close to him. But instead of shrinking back, instead of getting small, I held my ground and kept my chin up.
"You felt happy because you were," there was no question in what he said. His voice had an edge that solidified the words as facts and not just hopeful thinking. My confidence and sureness gone, I bowed my head, hiding my face. But Paul wasn't done. "And Suze," I looked up, "You hurt me too."
That did it. I could feel the bullet in my chest, the pain constricting around my heart as guilt and regret set in. His face, his eyes – the ice was melted. He was looking at me with complete openness. These were his last words. Paul had nothing left to lose. He just handed me his emotions on a silver platter, naked and vulnerable.
But before I had time to react there was a shimmer behind me. Paul instantly got up and began pacing, shaking his head and avoiding my gaze. I tried to shake the image of his eyes out of my mind – the hopeless pleading, the silent reminder that Paul had been thinking with his heart the whole time.
The shimmer behind me belonged to Jesse. I turned and saw him, crouched down to my level. I looked up into the face I had been dying to see for the past three days. I missed him so badly.
Take it back, Take it all back now
The things I gave
Like the taste of my kiss on your lips
I miss that now
Jesse knelt so he was in front of me. "Querida," he said, Latin-accented words slid off his tongue like Spanish-flavored chocolate. "I'm so sorry." My head snapped up to look at him. What on earth was he sorry for? I was the one who betrayed him.
"I shouldn't have yelled at you the way I did," he continued. "I reacted badly. You should not be sorry for…for kissing Slater. I would never ask you to reframe from doing something that makes you happy."
I hiccupped. No, no Jesse your completely wrong. It was my fault. I'm the bad guy here. Where was my voice? Why couldn't I tell him? There was a lump in my throat. My Jesse, always trying to help me no matter what.
"Susannah, please don't cry. I understand now," he lifted a hand to my cheek and I felt my body temperature rising. "After I left something happened. And – and now I've found a way…"
No. He couldn't mean – not that. Finally my voice was unleashed in rushed pleas, "No, Jesse, please. It's not…it was my fault. I shouldn't have…you had every right to be angry. Please, don't blame yourself. I should have held back. I wasn't thinking. You mean so much to me Jesse. Don't –"
"Querida," his thumb began slow stroking motions up and down my cheek, "It's okay, everything is alright. There's no need to be sorry now." He swallowed, and looked me straight in the eye. "Susannah, I am going to move on."
I feel heavy. Air – too thin. Heat, cold. Very, very cold. Something's in my throat. Black. Blurry. I can't see straight. Head – spinning.
"What?" I croaked, my voice barely audible above the tearing sound in my chest. "What!"
"Susannah," this time both his hands are on my cheeks, but I could barely feel them. "This is a beautiful thing. My time on this earth is long over. I've been stealing space for the past 150 years. And you…I've taken too much from you already. I can no longer be so selfish and play with your heart, keeping you from being the people you want to be with and denying you the feelings of love you deserve."
"No, no Jesse. You didn't -," I tried to explain. I never regretted anything I did for Jesse. How could he say that him moving on was a beautiful thing?
I can't try any harder than I do
All the reasons I gave
Excuses I made for you
I'm broken in two
"Shh," he tried calming me. "Susannah, the thing that was holding me back… it was love. You care enough about me to put your own happiness second. No one, except my own family, has ever done that for me."
A sob escaped my lips. Jesse was moving on because of me? I caused it? I didn't mean to! I didn't know that was holding him back!
"Oh, querida," Jesse repositioned himself so he was holding me against his chest. It felt so warm there, but I couldn't enjoy it. This could be the last…the last time. "Susannah, when Maria had me killed she felt no pain. She literally broke my heart, but her own heart showed no remorse. That's what was holding me back Susannah. I was willing to give up all my dreams to marry Maria, for my family's sake – before I knew of Diego of course. But she wasn't. Maria wanted nothing to do with me."
He turned me around so I was facing him. Chocolate brown eyes, so sweet and honest looked down into me. "But you, you Susannah, even with your obvious feelings for Paul you cared enough about me to feel guilt, and to force pain upon yourself for hurting me even when you were only acting with your heart. I needed to feel that. I needed someone I cared for to care back, even when they didn't have to."
"Well of course I care about you Jesse," how could he not know that? "I always have." That's not what I want to say. I want to grab him by the collar and scream at him not to go. He can't leave. How can he just up and decide that NOW is the time to move on?
All the things left undiscovered
Leave me empty and left to wonder
I need you
All the things left undiscovered
Leave me waiting and left to wonder
I need you
Yeah I need you
Don't walk away
"Don't leave me Jesse," I whispered. After all this time, everything he's done for me…I knew this day would come eventually. But I wasn't expecting it now. I guess I just assumed that if he managed to stay here for 150 years, he could stick around for a few more.
Jesse was my first friend when I moved to Carmel. He was the first thing that made me feel safe. Closing my window at night, waking David to come and rescue me, and keeping Michael Meducci and the Angels from killing me – all those things made me like him more and more. Jesse was a constant. I've said that before.
Now he was doing the most unpredictable thing imaginable.
Jesse was leaving me. He wouldn't be here tomorrow. The past three days he was absent. He wasn't really gone. He was still here. He just wasn't with me. But I still knew that if I really needed him, he would come. Now though…now he really would be gone. No more Jesse?
There's a millions reasons why I cry
Hold my covers tight and close my eyes
Cause I don't wanna be alone
I was blubbery and sniffly by the time he finally released me from his embrace. I didn't want him to let go. I wanted to always hold on to him. Why now? Why now, when everything is falling apart?
"Querida," he smiled, so honest and pure and radiating. His was happiness evident. After all this time, his soul finally got to go to rest. "I owe all this to you." Even though these were his final words, I couldn't stop crying.
When I looked up through my blurry tears I saw Jesse, without his glow. There was color in his cheeks, a glint in his eye that hadn't been there before, and a simple, breeze flowed through his hair. He took up space. Jesse was no longer a ghost.
But even as I took in his new appearance, a blindingly white light appeared behind him, blanking out all of the beach and shore. Jesse stood, and I rose as well, maintaining eye contact with him the whole time.
"You freed me Susannah, thank you." With a smile over is shoulder at the door to the beyond, Jesse took one step toward me and leaned in close to my ear, whispering, "I will always be with you." Then he kissed my cheek, a gentle, kiss meant to leave me with his friendship and everything we are to each other.
Then he turned around and, walking with his head held high, stepped into the light. The light pulsed brighter as it enveloped his body, causing me to shield my eyes. But before I looked away I saw Jesse's silhouette, rising into the air…with a pair of wings on his back.
I felt a wave of warmth and content wash over me. Then I lowered my hands and saw the beach, just as it was before, with no sign of Jesse ever being there.
Cause I'm so in love with what we were
I'm not breathing I'm suffocating without you
Do you feel it too?
I just stood there, starring out the ocean. For a moment, there was no feeling in my body. No thought, no wonder, nothing. My eyes were glazed over and my mind was gone. There was no contemplation or anger or hurt.
Then I crumpled, crying uncontrollably. I could feel my chest convulsing as I sobbed, racking my lungs with uneven spurts of air. My head felt numb. My body felt hot. Everything tasted like salt. There was no sense in anything.
Then Paul was there. And he was holding me. His hand pulled my head protectively against his chest where nothing could hurt me. Another arm wrapped around me and he rocked me back and forth as wave after wave of tears came flowing out relentlessly.
I lost track of time. Even when the cold night air from the beach threatened to attack me and Paul slipped his sweatshirt over my head I wasn't aware of anything happening around me.
I lost a friend today. But he had to go. It was his time. The exhaustion of running for the past three days overcame me and exerted itself with tears. I cried for me, I cried for Jesse. I cried for anyone who ever had to feel this horrible. When I ran out of tears I fell asleep, dreaming of the stars.
All the things left undiscovered
Leave me waiting and left to wonder
I need you
All the things left undiscovered
Leave me empty and left to wonder
I need you
I need you
Don't walk away
So there it is. I'm sorry for any pain this may have caused you. I think its my longest chapter yet. There will be one more chapter after this one that will sum up everything thats gone on so far and leave ample questions for the sequel - that I been dying to write ever since I started this fic. So, please review! And Happy early St. Patrick's Day!