Title: Confessions Lead to Strange Bedfellows
Author: Kimberly21570
Fandom: Guiding Light
Pairing: Olivia and Natalia
Disclaimers and Other Assorted Ramblings: All characters in this chapter are owned by CBS/TeleNext and Proctor & Gamble. The chapter title is based upon the song "Keeper of the Stars;" original recording on MCA Records, by Tracy Byrd, 1995. The lyrics belong to the writing team of Dickey Lee, Danny Mayo & Karen Staley. My intention was to create a fan video for you all, to accompany this chapter/song. Unfortunately, the disc drive on my laptop decided to be obstinate, and refuses to cooperate; thus, I have no way of importing clips from the show. No copyright infringement intended with regard to GL, P&G, MCA, or any other entity. The dialogue, props, etc. in these scenes are original, with the exception of an excerpt from the 3.10.2009 episode, and smatterings of their conversations from the 6.11.2009 & 6.12.2009 episodes. Written for fun, not profit. All other standard disclaimers apply.
This chapter is shorter than my norm, but I sincerely hope you all enjoy. I promise, longer chapters are forthcoming ...
Rating: Chapter 5 is rated PG-13 for romantic dialogue and subtle intimacy between two women; but subsequent chapters will eventually reach NC-17.
Confessions Lead to Strange Bedfellows
Copyright May 2009
"Loving is a feeling that brings both joy and pain to my heart. Joy from being with you, being filled with an emotion so deep and tender that no other feeling can compare. Pain from knowing that I'm so in love, that I'm more vulnerable than I've ever been."
Anonymous
Chapter 5: The Keeper of the Stars
Natalia heard the distinctive sounds of the frozen snow cracking under the weight of the truck, and the raucous scraping of metal against pavement, as the blade worked to clear the drive; and finally, she was released from the force that held her there against the pillar. Slowly, she stood, her knees popping from the pressure of being bent in position for an extended period of time. And finally extending her body to its natural height, she walked over to the bench; nearly collapsing from the weight of all that had just transpired.
And then there was the familiar snap and creak of the front door; followed promptly by the squeaking, then slamming of the wooden screen, as Olivia stepped out onto their porch. The soft cadence of a country music ballad, emanating from the state-of-the-art sound system that Olivia had insisted upon installing in their living room, told her that the older woman had left the front door open upon her exit.
Much like Olivia herself, the sound system wasn't exactly what one might expect to find in an old farmhouse; but its presence there was one of the many things that made the house uniquely theirs – her old-fashioned wares, perfectly coupled with Olivia's flair for the contemporary things in life.
A faint smile graced Natalia's lips, as she considered Olivia's surprisingly eclectic taste in music. She had expected a woman of Olivia Spencer's prominence to be drawn toward classical music, or opera, perhaps light jazz; and truth be told, Olivia did listen to such genres. But as Natalia had quickly learned in other areas of the older woman's life, Olivia Spencer was full of all sorts of interesting surprises. Natalia had learned much during their months of cohabitation; and she willingly admitted, she was looking forward to learning so much more …
The wooden planks groaned under Olivia's feet, and the familiar sound of her partner's footsteps, as she walked across the front porch toward the bench, brought a sense of calm to Latina. And the soft timbre of her voice brought her the security that she desperately needed after the scene that had recently transpired.
"Hey …" came the tentative greeting; and Natalia could sense the concern in her partner's eyes, without even glancing her direction. "Are you alright, Sweetheart?" she asked quietly; placing a comforting hand on her shoulder. "You've been out here … a really long time …"
When an immediate response wasn't forthcoming, Olivia gently squeezed Natalia's shoulder. "Do you want company?" she asked tentatively, "Or would you prefer some more time alone?"
Natalia turned slightly; glancing up at her; the remnants of her tears still staining the deep mahogany of her eyes. "No … I want you to stay …" she quietly answered; reaching for Olivia's hand. "I need you, Olivia …"
The quiet desperation in her partner's voice tugged gently at Olivia's heart. So many times, she had said those words to Natalia – and every time, Natalia had been right there beside her. And now, wanting, more than anything, to give back to Natalia that which she had received, Olivia sat down next to her; still holding one hand, while wrapping her other arm around Natalia's shoulder. Closing her eyes, she leaned her forehead against the younger woman's temple, nuzzling against her cheek, as she waited for her to speak.
Dark eyes fluttered closed, as she soaked in the warmth of Olivia's breath on her cheek; her breath puffing out in a cloud of fog, as she exhaled into the cold night air. "That … was the hardest thing … I've ever done …" she whispered; her voice cracking with emotion, as a lone tree branch snapped in the distance; almost as if it were breaking out of empathy for her, and the weight of the burden she carried in her heart.
Olivia signed softly. "I won't pretend to understand what you're feeling," she said; her voice an amalgamation of compassion and comfort, as her thumb gently stroked the top of Natalia's hand. "But what I will do, is promise to be here for you, whenever you need me, and to tell you that I love you, as often as you need to hear it …"
Natalia shifted on the bench, leaning her head against Olivia's shoulder, as the older woman tightened her embrace. "I think I'll need to hear it … constantly … for a really long time, Olivia," she sighed; her vulnerabilities displayed openly before the woman who held her. "I can't believe the mess I've created with my choices," she said; her voice riddled with guilt. "In three days' time, I've managed to send six lives into complete upheaval … and two of those lives don't even know about it yet …"
Olivia's eyes fluttered shut, as she contemplated the weight of Natalia's burden. "You weren't the only one who made less than ideal choices here …" she gently reminded.
"But I am the one who slept with a man I didn't love … to avoid the truth of the one love I couldn't deny, even if I tried …" she said; chastising herself for her flawed choices yet again. "Things would be so different right now, if only I'd had the courage to tell you the truth – or at the very least, allowed you to tell me that you loved me, all those times you tried …"
"What things would be different, Natalia?" Olivia asked; not for lack of self-knowledge, but because she needed the younger woman to see that, with the exception of Frank being hurt, out of everything that had happened, in reality, very little would have changed. "Yes, if we had admitted our feelings months ago, we would have had more time to share … but, really, didn't we share that time anyway?" she asked rhetorically. "The context was different, of course, but the love was there all along, and … it gave us a foundation for our future. We don't have to question whether or not this is gonna work, because we already know that it does …"
"Oh, Olivia, I'm not talking about whether or not we're gonna work," Natalia sighed; shaking her head against the older woman's shoulder. "I know we will, because we already do. There's no question in my heart about that," she assured. "This is about the fact that I hurt you by sleeping with Frank; and it's about Frank, and what my choices did to him …" she said; quiet regret in her voice.
"I know … that if we had been honest with ourselves and with each other, Frank wouldn't have been hurt … And I'm so sorry, that he ended up being caught in the crossfire. I wish there were something we could do, to make things different for him," Olivia said sincerely. "But there isn't, and we have to accept that."
"You didn't see the disillusionment on his face, Olivia," the younger woman argued. "You didn't see the hurt and desperation in his eyes. But I did. Just like I saw them on your face, in your eyes, when I told you what happened with him. You think that I didn't notice, because … I was so wrapped up in my own feelings, but I did … I saw it all … and for the rest of my life, I'll never forget how it felt to look into your eyes, knowing the pain I had caused you …"
Olivia pulled back slightly, drawing Natalia's eyes to meet her own. "You know what?" she asked rhetorically; her tenacious spirit rising. "I'm not gonna keep letting you do this to yourself, Natalia. I'm not gonna let you keep playing this 'if only' game, because … it doesn't change anything, Sweetheart. All it does is keep you shackled to the past," she contended. "And if there's one thing I've learned in life … it's that nothing can ever move forward, when it's shackled to the regrets of the past …"
"But how can you ever forgive me?"
The slightest hint of sorrow cast a shadow across the usual crystal-clear jade of Olivia's eyes. "Don't you understand, Natalia?" she whispered; gently touching the younger woman's face. "This isn't about me being able to forgive you, Sweetheart. There's nothing for me to forgive," she reaffirmed. "This is about you learning to forgive yourself …"
"What do you mean?" Natalia retorted; shaking her head in confusion. "I tried to avoid my feelings for you, by sleeping with Frank," she said pointedly. "How can you say there's nothing for you to forgive?"
"Like I told you before … Yeah, it hurt like hell, knowing that you had been with him, but … the fact is, we weren't together when that happened. And we weren't together, because I hadn't been honest with You, either. I'm not chastising myself; I'm merely stating a fact. Yes, things would have been different, if either one of us had been honest; but the fact remains that we weren't; and now this is where things stand. We can't change the past, Natalia, so we have no choice but to move on from here …"
"So you can really just forget about the past … and move on, that easily …" Natalia wondered.
Olivia considered her words carefully before responding. "It isn't so much about forgetting the past, as it is learning from it …" she asserted. "And if anyone knows about learning from past mistakes, it's me. That's why I've never judged you or faulted you for your mistakes, Natalia … because seriously? What right would I have to do that, given my own history?"
"You're not that person anymore, Olivia," Natalia reminded.
"No, I'm not …" Olivia readily agreed, "and … I don't mean that to sound self-deprecating …" she was quick to explain.
"Kinda sounds that way, whether you mean it to, or not …" Natalia gently pointed out.
"Yeah, I know it does. Especially given the conversation we had earlier today …" Olivia quietly sighed. "I guess it's just easier to see the speck in someone else's eye, than the log in one's own ..." she recognized. "Or … something like that …" she added timidly; attempting to cover her awkwardness, as she realized the incongruence of having used such a reference, given the dearth of her spiritual knowledge compared to Natalia's.
Natalia turned to look at her; a mixture of surprise and pride flashing in her eyes. "Olivia Spencer just made a Biblical reference …" she grinned. "Will wonders never cease?"
Olivia laughed softly; relaxing, as she sent out a nod of appreciation for Natalia's handling of the comment. "Oh … I've read a few Bible verses in my day …" she admitted nonchalantly; winking playfully at the younger woman.
"I kinda thought so …" Natalia said quietly; nudging Olivia's side with her elbow, as she cast a knowing grin toward the older woman.
"Don't start planning family Bible studies just yet …" Olivia teasingly warned.
"Oh, I wouldn't dream of it …" Natalia volleyed; raising her right hand in oath, as she smiled at Olivia; instinctively knowing that the older woman's armor was slowly cracking.
Olivia smiled softly at her; thoughts turning back to their original conversation, as she pulled Natalia closer. "I won't lie to you, and tell you that I don't ever have self-deprecating moments, because, quite honestly, it wouldn't do me any good anyway. You know me better than anyone," she openly admitted. "And … you're one of the few people in this town, who isn't afraid to call me on my crap," she grinned. "Well, you, Doris … and Reva …" she said, with a slight grimace and a roll of the eyes. She thought about her former nemesis for a moment; remembering the rejuvenating sense of satisfaction she always found in sparring with buxom blonde, and grinned. "I hate to admit it, but … I really actually admire the old broad, for her spunk."
Natalia arched an eyebrow. "Did you just call Reva O'Neill a spunky Old Broad?"
A pensive expression covered Olivia's features for a transitory moment, as she considered Natalia's question. "Yeah, I did …" she replied; a proud smirk on her face, "and she probably wouldn't like it very much; which is … exactly why I find the little term of endearment so utterly appealing …" she said, arching an eyebrow.
Natalia shook her head; laughing at Olivia's humorous candor.
"Ya know …" Olivia said, those jade eyes twinkling with mischief, as a devilish grin invaded her lips, "I'm actually looking forward to the snarky remarks that are sure to flow, when she finds out about us …"
"Oh, Olivia …" Natalia sighed; rolling her eyes.
"What?!" Olivia exclaimed; feigning innocence. "You know it'll be fun …" she grinned, winking at the Latina.
"Oh, what, you mean fun … like you had with Becky's and Owen's moms when we were at Towers that afternoon?"
"Don't lie … you thought I was Hot, the way I got all worked up that day …"
"As I recall … You were the one who called me a Hottie …" Natalia winked.
"Ohhh, and you were, too …" Olivia literally grunted. "I just wanted to nail you right there on the bar!"
"Olivia!"
"I'm just sayin' …"
Natalia rolled her eyes. "Weren't we having a serious conversation here?"
Olivia smiled softly and nodded her head. "Yeah, we were," she readily agreed. She paused for a moment, pondering that thought. "You know … that's one of the things I love most about us – The way we can move from serious to lighthearted and back to serious again, without ever missing a beat …"
"Yeah …" Natalia said wistfully; a light smile gracing her lips, "that is one of the best things about our relationship – That natural sort of ebb and flow we have with one another …"
Catching Natalia's eyes, Olivia's expression turned from thoughtful to serious. "And speaking of that ebb and flow …" she said, breaking back into their previous conversation, "Really, I wasn't being self-deprecating at all. I was just being honest about who I am, and what I've done, because … acknowledging the past, helps remind me of how different my future can be, if only I make the right choices …" she explained. "And that's really my point …"
"What is?"
"My point is that … Having you in my life, loving you, has changed me, Natalia. It has given me a reason to make right choices. Your example has taught me things that I never really understood before – Like … how it feels to fight for someone, or have them fight for you, not because you have to, and not for personal gain, but for the mere fact that you want to … that another person means so much to you, that you would give anything to make their world a better place …" she said. "And you did that for me … you fought for me, when I didn't have the strength to fight for myself …"
"You fought for me …" Natalia quietly acknowledged; remembering all the times Olivia had come to her rescue; all the times she had fought so valiantly for Rafe.
"Well, I certainly fought with you …" Olivia said; eyes sparkling with mischief, the corners of her mouth curling up into that barely-there smile.
"Ohh, you fought with me a lot …" Natalia grinned; eyes widening in emphasis; causing Olivia to laugh. "You did …" she smiled.
They laughed together then; remembering all the fights, and acknowledging the underlying feelings that had caused them to clash with such passion.
And then, with the memory of those fights fresh in her mind, Olivia turned to the other big precept Natalia had taught her: Forgiveness. "You know, I understand why we fought so much, Natalia," she said; reflecting on the depth of their feelings, even then. "The passion in our fights was a direct reflection of the love we felt; at first, for Gus, and then, for one another …" she quietly acknowledged, "But … even knowing that we were fighting out of love, it doesn't change the fact that we said some incredibly hurtful things to one another. And yet, no matter what I said to you, no matter how acrid my words, somehow, you always forgave me …"
"Well, of course I did," Natalia quietly replied. "I understood the reasons why …"
"And that's just it, Natalia … You taught me about forgiveness. Not only did you teach me the importance of it, but … you taught me how to do it. So, I know you know how to forgive others, because you taught me, once again by your own example. But like I said before, this has much more to do with an inability to receive forgiveness from others, an inability to forgive yourself, than it does with God, or anyone else, being unable to extend forgiveness to you …" she quietly pointed out. "I fully admit that I don't know much about your God, but … I know enough to know that He has already forgiven you for whatever it is you think you've done. And Frank will forgive you, too. That's what he does. But you, Natalia … You have to find it in your heart to forgive yourself, before you can move forward, and truly embrace your life …"
Natalia turned silent, as she pondered Olivia's words, and after several minutes of non-responsiveness, Olivia nudged her gently. "We should go inside, Sweetheart," she suggested. "It's freezing … and we've been out here a long time …"
Natalia knew she should probably acquiesce; but the air was crisp; the sky clear, as she gazed out across their farmland on this moonlit winter's night, and she wasn't quite ready to relinquish the tranquility she found within its comforting silence. "No … Not just yet …" she gently countered, "I know it's a bit unpleasant, but … winter, even with all its fierceness, as the winds whip around; slapping us with a cold, unrelenting hand, has a gentle side … a quiet repose, and a clarity of mind that comes with the brisk night air …"
Olivia smiled softly; leaning her cheek against Natalia's temple. "I didn't realize I'd fallen in love with a poet …" she whispered; her gloved fingers gently caressing soft raven tresses. "You gonna write me a sonnet?"
Natalia exhaled a quick puff of air; more than just a breath, but not quite the fanfare of a soft laugh. "Not a poet. Just … a person who could use some of that clarity of mind …" she quietly replied, "but just so you know … I could write you a sonnet, every single day, for the rest of our lives, and never run out of reasons why I love you …"
"Now who's being sappy?" Olivia teased; bending her head down to meet Natalia's eyes.
Natalia smiled at her. "You know, the interesting thing is … I learned something tonight about who's truly sappy in this relationship – and who isn't …" she teased; her voice lowering an octave at the end, as one eyebrow raised.
"What are you talking about?" Olivia asked; eyeing her with teasing suspicion.
"I'm talking about you, helping Frank … woo me …" Natalia replied; eyes widening for effect as she used the antiquated term.
"Ohh, who uses that word anymore?" Olivia snarked; grinning at the young woman with the ancient vocabulary. "It's like using satchel or tomfoolery …" she teased. "I mean, nobody uses those words anymore …"
"Are you finished?" Natalia asked flatly; pinning her with that 'then shut-the-fuck-up' look, before she even answered.
"Yeah, pretty much," came the machine gun reply, before Olivia snapped her mouth shut.
"Good, then I'll continue …" Natalia said, in a monotone voice.
She smiled at Olivia then; but it was a smile that teetered on the edge, somewhere between serious and snarky; and the older woman couldn't quite decide, on which side it would land.
"All those times, when I thought it was him; when I thought he just … instinctively knew what I needed … it was you …" the younger woman said quietly. And then her lips twisted just slightly before she spoke again, "Should I start calling you Cyrano?"
Olivia wanted to laugh, but decided it would be more fun to play deadpan. "Are you saying I have an unusually large nose?"
Natalia laughed softly. "No …" she said; her voice turning serious again, as she tipped Olivia's face, to meet the soft jade of her eyes. "I'm saying … you have perfect insight into the inner workings of my heart …" she whispered softly; before slowly bringing their lips together in a sweet, tender kiss.
As their kiss ended, Olivia gazed out across the winter skyline; noting how brightly the stars shone against the quiet darkness that cloaked their farmland. Slowly, her eyes scanned the constellations, and when she heard the soft cadence of guitar strings and tinkling of piano keys wafting from their living room, she smiled, recognizing the song; silently acknowledging just how perfectly it fit this precise moment in time.
"Do you remember, that day in my suite, when … you told me that you knew there was a reason Gus had to go …"
A mixture of nostalgia and anticipation played on the faint smile that graced Natalia's lips, as the whispered words met her ears. "And that I hoped one day I would understand the reason?" she quietly said; finishing Olivia's thought. Her thoughts turned inward for a moment, as she considered the revelations that had come to her during her conversation with Frank just a short time before. "Yeah …" she breathed softly. "I remember …"
Without any further question or explanation, Olivia looked at her; the expression on her face conveying more than mere words could ever say. "Dance with me …" she whispered softly. It was question, request and demand, all three; rolled into one ephemeral phrase that floated out into the cold night air, as she held out her hand; silently willing Natalia to accept.
Natalia smiled softly at her, and without saying a word, accepted Olivia's hand.
Olivia stood from the bench, gently tugging Natalia with her. The rock salt crackled under their feet, as she slowly led Natalia off their front porch and out under the stars, where she pulled her into strong, welcoming arms.
Soft jade eyes slowly caressed the smoothness of Natalia's face, before landing in those dark, shimmering pools of brown, as the opening stanza of the Tracy Byrd classic, The Keeper of the Stars began to play …
It
was no accident, me findin' you
Someone had a hand in it
Long
before we ever knew
"You
know, I never believed
… in Divine Intervention … until you
came into my life …" Olivia whispered softly; that barely-there
smile playing on the tips of her mouth, as they moved slowly with the
music.
Now
I just can't believe you're in my life
Heaven's smilin'
down on me
As I look at you tonight
"But here tonight … with you in my arms; looking at me the way you do …"
I
tip my hat to the Keeper of the
Stars
He sure knew
what He was doin'
When He joined these two hearts
"I wonder who I thought I was, to ever … question His wisdom …"
I
hold everything
When I hold you in my arms
I've got all I'll
ever need
Thanks to the Keeper of the
Stars
"Because you are … everything to me …" she whispered breathily; jade eyes glistening with unspent tears. They felt warm against the brisk air that collided with them, and Olivia's eyes fluttered open and closed several times before finally fixing on Natalia's visage again.
The gentle, yet impassioned cadence of Olivia's voice brought tears to Natalia's eyes; and she reached out, tenderly touching the taller woman's cheek, as she watched those jade eyes fluttering open and closed before finally landing in her own. "Olivia …" she breathed, the softness in her voice floating like feathers on the wind, "you are every hope and every dream, everything I've ever wanted or needed, wrapped into the most beautiful package I've ever received …"
The moonlight glistened against the smooth olive skin of her countenance, as dark jade eyes softly caressed the familiar contours of a perfectly tanned face; a gentle finger following in their wake.
Soft moonlight on your face
Oh, how you shine
"God, you are so … beautiful …" Olivia whispered breathily; the timbre of her voice sounding like a prayer, as the golden flecks in those shimmering eyes flickered in the soft moonlight, illuminating the depth of love and desire she felt for the woman she held in her arms. Nothing had ever felt so perfect; nothing ever so right.
It
takes my breath away
Just to look into your eyes
"You make me feel beautiful when you look at me that way …" Natalia whispered; smiling softly into the eyes that held her captivated. "The love I see in your eyes …" she sighed, "Oh, Olivia … You just … you leave me breathless, the way you look at me …"
I
know I don't deserve a treasure like you
There really are no
words
To show my gratitude
"I've never done anything … in my life, to deserve a love like yours …" Olivia quietly confessed, "but … I promise you, I'll spend the rest of my days, showing you … how thankful I am to have you, to hold you in my arms …"
So
I tip my hat to the Keeper of the Stars
He sure knew what He was
doin'
When He joined these two hearts
I hold everything
When
I hold you in my arms
"There's a gentle voice inside you that calls to me, Olivia … it draws me to you, and I could just stay here forever in your arms, just gazing into your eyes, and be … completely content …"
I've
got all I'll ever need
Thanks to the Keeper of the Stars
She touched Natalia's cheek with the back of her hand, and even through the glove, the younger woman swore she could feel fingers touching her skin. "You know, being here, with you, like this, is all I need too …" Olivia quietly confessed; tipping Natalia's chin, to meet her eyes. "Not that … I don't want to show you, physically, what I feel for you … because I do – But even if we never had anything more than moments like this, I would still be completely happy; totally content, just knowing that you love me enough to want this life with me …"
Placing her hand over Olivia's, Natalia smiled softly. "I know you would be," she quietly affirmed, "but I want more than this for us … I want it all, Olivia. I want everything that two people in love share …" she confessed.
It
was no accident, me finding you
Someone
had a hand in it
Long before we ever knew …
"I want it all, Olivia … and I want it with You …" Natalia whispered, "because I finally understand the reason …" she breathed; tears trickling down her cheeks, nearly freezing in the cold night air, as she gently placed her hand atop Olivia's heart. "The reason this … The reason is you and me, Olivia … The reason is us …"
Hot tears flooded Olivia's eyes, causing those golden flecks to shimmer in the moonlight, as her heart reveled in Natalia's impassioned acknowledgment of their love. Her breath caught in her chest, and a quiet sob escaped her lungs, as Natalia's gloved hand touched her cheek; wiping away the tears that flowed.
"I love you, Olivia Spencer …" Natalia whispered in promise, "and that's all I need to know …"
And as the music faded, Olivia slipped the gloves off her hands; dropping them to the ground; her eyes never leaving those dark, expressive orbs that beckoned to her. She reached out then, gently taking Natalia's face in her hands; feeling the coldness of the Latina's cheeks against the warmth of her own skin. "I am so … Completely in love with you …" she breathed, drawing her into the most meaningful kiss they had ever shared.
As they lingered there in the cold night air, hearts and bodies fused in endless embrace, their wordless exchange became a shared promise, carried on a whisper, from one thankful heart to another; a promise that reached out from within the depths of their souls, extending immeasurable thanks to The Keeper of the Stars …