TRIGGER WARNING abortion. Stop at the first set of stars and continue to the second set.

CLANN - The Stolen Child (getting home, taking the test) 27:20 (album)

- Once Again 3:10 (Damage control)

- Hold You

It's a really great album and it strangely suited the vibe of the story to me. So I can't help but list what song helped with which part, maybe it'll supplement the story for you. But definitely listen to Hold You.

I drove up to the house and got inside in a daze. Everything in the house seemed fine, but of course it was. Charlie's cruiser wasn't in front. So he's not home. Good.

Do I do it now or later? I almost didn't want to do it at all. But I have to know.

I marched up the stairs lifelessly. With each step, I had a depressing thought. An ominous air swallowed me.

I skimmed the instructions and got it done. The stick sat on the sink. 2 minutes. I tried to wait patiently. Then I started counting seconds. I'd pace and turn to look at it several times, chewing on my nails. I listed reasons over and over why it couldn't be possible. I thought of the different ways it could go wrong.Tears flowed. I wiped them away, and tried to stay calm until it was time, but sobs escaped here and there.

Finally, trembling, I looked. Then let out a strangled scream.

My fate was sealed. My life was over.

I dropped to the floor and screamed.

Pain. I screamed and screamed. Immense pain tore me to shreds. I shook my head. No no no no...

I couldn't catch a breath through the sobs. I was breathing water, drowning.

I wish I was dead. I wish death took me now.

Why did you leave me? Why did you abandon me! I shouted at the mental images of the Cullens.

I need you...I sobbed.

I said the same things I did as when they left.

What am I going to do?

I cried til I exhausted myself and ended up lying on the cold floor. This was my life because...? Was loving Edward this costly?

I stared at the bright florescent light, gone from my head.

* * *

Inside me was a baby, swimming, floating. Tiny. I had an awful thought. I should kill it. 'Get rid of it', 'abort it'. It didn't matter how nicely it could be put. It could happen to anyone but not me. Not me.

I never thought about having children. I was young, why would I? I never thought about it when I was with Edward because it was impossible. But 'for better or worse', it happened. It was his. Somehow that hurt more than him just leaving.

I wasn't oblivious to how abortions were done or what it meant either. I dont think I can do it.

But if I wanted to keep my life- as useless at it was- my parents, I would have to. A life for a life. I felt the bump with my hand. It was firm. Images of gestation from science class flashed in my mind.

I drew in a breath. Phantom heartbeats rang in my ears.

I can't tell them. I can't. It would solve the problem, but I can't. Charlie would be subjected to ridicule. Everyone would talk about it. And even though Reneé wasn't the greatest parent, she didn't want this for me. And I would be relentlessly criticized by the whole town unless I left. This wasn't supposed to happen.

If I kill myself, I'd fix everything and pay the price.

* * *

Thoughts whirred over and over in my head. I went in circles. Charlie would be here soon. I could lie on this floor forever. It was like time stood still. Surreal. But this was real. Time stops for no one. My mind quickly went into damage-control mode.

I cleaned up in the bathroom, put the stick and instructions into the box and hid it in my nightstand. I washed my face in cold water and dabbed it dry to not make it redder. I have to make a decision, but I can't decide on something right this moment. I have to think, but I can't. I don't even have time.

I ran downstairs and started the dinner I had prepped this morning. I had to pause to remember what I had even planned to make.

By the time Charlie came, dinner was ready and I had it plated on the table.

"Hey, Bells,"

"Hey Dad." It was like any other day.

We chit chatted a bit as usual. Work was uneventful, and so was school. I went to my room right after, letting Charlie do the dishes when he offered. I was relieved to be able to hide.

I paused against my closed door and moved to double check the test. It hadn't changed. I sat, crushing the box in my hand, trying to accept it.

I tried to do that day's homework, but mostly I was banging my pen against my binder.

I was able to eat everything but it came back up hours later. I really don't want to go to school tomorrow, I thought, rinsing out my mouth. I have to keep up the pretenses. Charlie can't know anything's wrong. Not now, just not now. I have to go to school.

I worked hard to get enough school work done for tomorrow. I didn't get much sleep. The next morning, I rifled through my closet and found a bunchy sweater that could cover it up. I found the loosest I owned but I thought if I wore it now, the difference in style would be to jarring.

I did my best to stay calm, said goodbye to Charlie in the same usual fashion when he left. I climbed into my truck a little more carefully.

My stomach was in knots. The parking lot was full. That wasn't unusual, my anxiety was. It was awful, feeling like I was being watched but not knowing if I actually was. It got worse when I realized it was just me, Jessica, and Lauren. Tyler, Eric, and Austin were there but besides them, I was the only girl. I grabbed something packaged from my tray and dumped the rest.

PB and J, I realized. I had retreated to the truck. It seemed to taste fine but felt too mushy. I stopped at the first bite.

After a couple of days, Angela was back. I was relieved to see her. Only a couple of days and she was all better, but for me the nausea got much worse. I vomited each time I tried to eat something. I tried everything. Nothing would stay down. And I couldn't hide it anymore. The house was small, the walls paper thin. Charlie heard me. I blamed it on the flu and he seemed to believe me easily enough at first.

"You alright, Bells?" He stood out of view outside the bathroom.

"Yeah. Maybe the flu finally got to me." I said, flushing the toilet. "Did Jacob call back?"

"No...Did you guys have a fight? You haven't been over there in a while,"

"No, he's just busy." I said, rushing past him.

"O... Kay."

I shook behind my closed door. I really wanted to talk to Alice. I wished I could. I didn't have a plan, and I needed one. I needed Jacob.

I called again. Nothing.

Days passed and I still hadn't heard from him. I gave up.

Things got harder. I could barely focus, move. My body trembled constantly, and it was weak. I was suffering. I could barely make it through the day. I constantly worried that I would pass out in school or at home.

I got bigger. I was using my loosest sweater now. I could swear Lauren was staring at me all the time. But the others didn't seem to notice anything different, just that I looked like shit. I tried to reassure them it was just the flu being stubborn.

I googled photos of baby bumps of certain weeks and tried to match mine to one. It was close to six weeks since Edward and I had sex, but I was already looking like I was 5 months along. I was horrified.

It's growing fast.

Cold rushed through my ever trembling body. At this rate, I won't be able to hide it for much longer. Why was this happening? Wasn't it...human?

If it kept going like this, I'd have to leave. I cried endlessly at the thought. The situation was worse and weighed heavily on me.

I wish Carlisle was here. He'd help me. He was the only one who could help, who would know what to do.

The next day Charlie came into my room. I decided not to go to school today and use the flu as an excuse to hole up awhile.

"Want me to stay home with you? I could call the sation-"

"Dad, I'm fine. I'll just stay home today."

"You sure?"

"Yeah, dad. All you'll be able to do is watch. Just go." Please leave. I want to be alone. I squeezed my eyes shut.

I want to stay in bed and die a little.

"Alright. But call me if you want to go to the hospital. Don't drive yourself there."

"It's just the flu Dad. They'd tell me that and send me home anyway." I explained. "It's ok, I got it." But I should be enjoying Charlie's presence right now.

He finally surrendered and went to work.

I curled up in bed. The numbness I had been trying to keep away, since reconnecting with Jacob, since he stopped seeing me, returned.

I had been going through the motions, doing my best to hide I wasn't alright as if Edward had left all over again.

But soon I wouldn't be able to do that anymore, I thought. If I didn't starve to death, have a heart attack, or keeled over, someone would notice my belly.

I went through different possible scenarios that could happen if I tried to get help. None of them would work. Nothing would if I didn't know what I was carrying. I have to leave.

Charlie would check on me from time to time, but otherwise didn't disturbed me. He assured me I could rest, that he could take care of dinner til I felt better. I smiled through my tears. That in a small way he was trying to help me.

...what if I died before I could deliver?

I imagined the terrible sight Charlie would find. A wasted body and a dead fetus. Awful. Tragic. Disturbing.

He would be confused and devastated. That it was a likely scenario scared me.

With the Cullens gone, who could help me?

After a couple days, I noticed Charlie was getting worried. He knew I wasn't eating and was becoming less convinced it was just the flu. I got out of bed the next day, and ready for school. I put a smile on my face and told him I was ok to go back.

"I'm as healthy as a horse," I said. I shook my head and wore a you're-being-riduculous expression.

Angela was happy to see me back but thought I should have stayed home longer. She was the most perceptive of them all. I tried to convince her that I looked awful because I was tired.

I was in the bathroom often. I looked at myself in the mirror each time, inspecting how much more of a skeleton I was becoming. I don't have time. I have to do something.

There wasn't much money left from when I worked at Newton's store but it was all I had. I'd get any job, waitressing, cleaning... Figure out how to raise a child on the run. But could I deliver on my own? In the woods, an alley, motel room- I couldn't go to a hospital, Charlie would find me electronically.

I need help.

I need Jacob. I wish he was here.

I want to feel good again, go back to when we were spending long days together, and stargazed.

Jacob. Memories flashed in my mind, down to the first one.

The stories.

"Did you know that we're supposedly descendants of wolves?"

"Wolves? Like, real wolves?"

"It's just a story Bella."

A story. I remembered Edward saying something about Billy being related to the pack they met when they first lived in Forks. That's why Billy never accepted them. He didn't just believe the stories, he knew. That's why he always looked at me suspiciously, waiting for the day I became one of them.

In a way I have. He might reject me, but what if he pitied me, Charlie? I have to try. It's the only card I have to play.

I have to talk to him.

It's inventory week at work starting tomorrow and some dude's car alarm went off early today after a crappy night's sleep. I don't know what I'm feeling, but I'm not happy. Send some love, I'm sending love back.

If you ever had to have an abortion, all I can say is I'm sorry because it's impossible to convey all of the comfort I'd like to give.

Please don't take anything I say as offense, I never intend to hurt anyone.