Title: Confessions Lead to Strange Bedfellows
Author: Kimberly21570
Fandom: Guiding Light
Pairing: Olivia and Natalia
Disclaimers and Other Assorted Ramblings: The characters of Olivia and Emma Spencer, Natalia and Rafe Rivera, Gus Aitoro, Frank Cooper, Mel Boudreau, and Father Ray Santos are owned by Guiding Light, CBS/TeleNext and Proctor & Gamble. The character of Alexander Cambias, Jr. is the property of All My Children, ABC/Disney. No copyright infringement intended with regard to GL, CBS/TeleNext, Proctor & Gamble, AMC, ABC/Disney, or any other entity. Written for fun, not profit. All other standard disclaimers apply.
Chapter 8 consists of 9 updates that will be presented in smaller segments than what you're generally accustomed to receiving. I find this to be the most prudent presentation because, while there is an overarching theme, each major segment has its own specific purpose. The segments will be posted weekly over the course of several weeks, which will allow me to continue providing you all with regular updates through the end of my semester. I will endeavor to post on the same day each week. Dialogue in this chapter is original, with the exception of the 5.19.2009 conversation between Natalia and Father Ray, and a few shades of her follow-up conversation with Olivia. Some of the dialogue from this scene has been altered to suit areas where this story has diverted from canon.
Rating: Chapter 8.8 is rated PG.
Confessions Lead to Strange Bedfellows
Copyright May, 2009
"Nothing spoils a confession like repentance."
Anatole France
Chapter 8.8 – Confessions and Confrontations | This is Not a Confession:
Late Sunday Afternoon—the Farmhouse of Love…
Upon their arrival home, Emma hugged Natalia one more time before sprinting off to her bedroom to play. Olivia called after her, asking if she was still hungry; but she said she wasn't—food didn't sound very appealing to her anymore. She just wanted to play, and forget what Rafe sounded like when he was angry.
Olivia offered to get Natalia coffee or a glass of wine; but she declined both, as she sank onto the sofa, feeling defeated in more ways than one. Olivia sat down beside her, pulling her close. "I'm sorry things didn't go well with Rafe, Sweetheart," she said, empathically. Her heart was breaking for the other woman.
"I didn't really expect this to go well," Natalia admitted. She sighed, frustrated. "But I didn't expect it to be this bad, either. He's really angry, Liv."
"I know," Olivia said, pressing her lips to Natalia's temple in a comforting kiss. She didn't ask if Natalia was all right—she knew damned well she wasn't. Instead, she simply tried to offer a port in the storm. "Whatever you need, I'm here for you."
A slight smile played on Natalia's lips. "I know you are," she said, quietly, "and I love you for it." She burrowed closer against Olivia's body, seeking the offered comfort.
"Any regrets about telling him?" Olivia asked, tentatively. "I wouldn't blame you, if you did."
Shifting in Olivia's arms, Natalia looked up at her; their eyes locking. "Never." Her tone was resolute. "I'm not ashamed of loving you, Olivia. And I won't let Rafe's anger stop me from being with you."
Olivia released a breath she had not realized she was holding. Natalia had no way of knowing how much she needed to hear that. She didn't tell her that, though, because right now, the focus needed to be on Natalia.
"It's just… it's time for him to grow up, and realize that the whole world doesn't revolve around him," Natalia was saying.
"I agree," Olivia said, gently. There was no judgment in her tone. "But that doesn't mean it'll be easy watching him struggle."
"I know it won't be easy," Natalia readily concurred, "but it's necessary. It's time for him to take some responsibility for his own life. He'll always be my baby, but he's not a child anymore. He's a grown man. I've sacrificed everything for him, Olivia. His whole life, I've never done anything for me—it's all been for him. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret the decisions I've made, or the way that I raised him. Not at all," she quickly clarified. "But it's time for things to change."
Literally unable to believe her ears, Olivia simply nodded, and allowed Natalia to continue.
"I know it may sound selfish, but it's my turn now," Natalia declared. She glanced at Olivia, who was struggling to hold back a grin. "What?" she said, sheepishly.
Olivia could no longer hold back the proud smile that tickled at the corners of her mouth. "You simply amaze me, that's all," she said, softly. She brushed errant strands of raven hair from Natalia's slightly flushed face. "It's not selfish at all, Natalia," she assured. "It's about time you take something for yourself! I wanna see you take whatever you want, from now on. No apologies."
Natalia felt empowered; but cautiously so. "I think that's a little extreme, Olivia," she teased. "But the one thing I am taking for myself is you, and for that, I'll never apologize." She sealed her declaration with a kiss that Olivia willingly accepted and returned.
"I'm gonna get him out of there, Sweetheart," Olivia vowed, as she nuzzled against Natalia's cheek. "Things will be better once he comes home. Once he has a chance to really see how good we are together." She caught Natalia off guard with words spoken like a promise.
"How can you know that?" In the moment, Natalia was having serious doubts.
"I have faith that you're gonna pray it into being," Olivia said, simply.
Natalia answered with a wobbly smile. "I'm afraid you're far more optimistic about that than I am at the moment."
"That's a first," Olivia laughed; drawing a chuckled from Natalia. She tipped Natalia's chin; her expression turning serious as she met those dark eyes. "Everything's gonna be okay." She had no choice but to believe that, because the alternative simply wasn't acceptable. She couldn't bear the thought of losing Natalia. Not now. Not after everything they had been through to get to where they were.
"I'm gonna have to take your word for it—at least for now." Natalia sounded understandably skeptical.
"That's perfectly all right with me," Olivia said, reassuringly.
Natalia sighed softly, and sent up a silent prayer that Olivia would be proven correct. "How are you gonna get him out? His attorney said there's nothing more we can do," she reminded. "We were lucky to even get him into a safer facility."
"I have a plan." Olivia sounded confident.
Mahogany eyes flickered with concern. "Should I be worried?"
"No—" Olivia's laugh was hearty. She hoped it would make Natalia smile. "Nothing dastardly, I promise. Just the right incentives, to the right people."
"That sounds like bribery to me," Natalia observed.
"Not at all. It's more like a business deal," Olivia contended. "I have something that will benefit the Governor's campaign for reelection this coming November, and he has the power to get Rafe a parole hearing."
"Okay, now that sounds like blackmail." Natalia's tone was lightly admonishing.
"I promise, it isn't," Olivia countered. "It's not like I'm gonna threaten him. I'm just gonna approach him and ask if we might make an agreement to help one another out."
"No threats?" Natalia said, seeking assurance.
"You have my word," Olivia said, sincerely.
Natalia's agreement was a crooked smile.
Olivia released an audible sigh of relief. "I talked with Mel Boudreau about it a few weeks ago, and she said if we can get him before the parole board, she thinks she can get him an early release. He'll probably have to live in a halfway house for the remainder of his prison term, but at least he'll be out. He can work, and go to school, and he can even come to visit."
"You've been working on this for that long?" Natalia couldn't believe what she was hearing. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"I've actually been working on it for months," Olivia confessed. The grin on her face was slightly sheepish. "It took some maneuvering to get my hands on the information for the Governor. I just… I didn't want to tell you about it until I was certain I could work it out."
"What kind of information, Olivia?" Natalia's tone was wary.
"The details aren't really important," Olivia minimized. She read the expression on Natalia's face, and added, "I promise it's nothing illegal."
Natalia wasn't so sure she was convinced, but despite a few misgivings, she felt better. She still wished Olivia would share the details—just for peace of mind. But she knew that wouldn't happen.
Olivia smiled, and gently tucked raven tresses behind Natalia's left ear. "You worry too much."
Olivia was too protective of her sometimes, but Natalia didn't really mind. She liked the way it felt to be loved so completely. Her touch was gentle on Olivia's face. "I just worry about you, Honey," she said, softly. "I don't want you doing anything crazy just to prove to me that you care about Rafe. I know you do."
"You talked me down from crazy the other day, Sweetheart," Olivia reminded.
"Phillip." Natalia needn't say anything more.
"Yeah—," Olivia sighed. "I would've taken a gun to him, if you hadn't calmed me down. But he's the only person who could ever get me to do something truly crazy. What I'm doing for Rafe is… strategic, not crazy."
"I can't believe you would do anything to help him, after the way he behaved today," Natalia said; clearly disgusted with her son.
"He's angry, and he's hurt, Natalia," Olivia said. "Can't say that I blame him for that. I mean, think about it… Even if we take everything I did to hurt you in the past, out of the equation, he's still faced with the fact that our relationship goes against everything you've ever taught him."
"I know better now," Natalia said, determinedly. "And his anger doesn't give him the right to treat you the way he did."
"Perhaps not," Olivia agreed, "but we still have to respect his right to his feelings—even if we don't agree with them."
"How can you be so understanding?" Natalia sounded mystified.
"Because I've been where he is, Natalia," Olivia admitted. "I've been scared, and hurt, and angry—when my father died, and my mother abandoned us emotionally… after Jeffrey… when I found out I was pregnant with Ava… after Alex died, leaving me with such impossible decisions… when Phillip kidnapped Emma. I experienced those feelings in different ways, but I still felt them. And no, those feelings didn't justify the actions I took in response, but I was still entitled to feel them. We don't have the right to deny him his feelings," she declared. "But the flip side of his right to have those feelings is his responsibility to take ownership of them."
Natalia nodded her head as a sign of her agreement. "You really understand my son, don't you," she said. It wasn't a question.
"Yes, I do," Olivia confirmed. "More importantly, I understand you, and that's how I know, as long as we're here for each other, everything will be all right," she gently reassured. "No matter how angry he gets, we're gonna love him and support him through this, and in time, we'll all be okay. I promise," she whispered.
Finally, Natalia smiled. "Have I told you today, how much I love you?"
"You have," Olivia smiled, "but I'll never grow tired of hearing it." The tips of her fingers glided along Natalia's cheek, curling under her chin, drawing her into a tender kiss.
Sunday Evening—the Church…
Concerned about the intensity of Rafe's reaction, Natalia felt an urgent need to pray—and given the gravity of the issue, prayer at the Church seemed most prudent to her. It baffled Olivia—she didn't understand why prayer wasn't prayer regardless of where one prayed, but she was supportive of Natalia's need to seek God's intervention and guidance in His house. She offered to take Natalia there—she didn't want her to feel alone; but Natalia declined, saying that she needed the time to process her feelings. Assuring Olivia that she would be fine, she kissed her lightly, and headed out into the cold, dark night.
Twenty minutes later, she knelt at the altar, rosary in hand, as she prayed fervently for her son. His anger seemed even more volatile than when Gus died, and given his history, if Olivia succeeded in getting him released, she feared where such anger might lead him. With this fear in mind, she prayed first that he would choose to seek God in his time of anger and confusion, rather than resorting to violent outbursts as he had in the past. And then she prayed that God would guide him, show him the things that He had showed her, during those long weeks and months that she sought His wisdom and guidance regarding her feelings for Olivia. Surely, if God showed her His ultimate plan, He could let Rafe in on it as well, she reasoned.
As she finished her prayer, she sealed it with the familiar sign of the cross—a declaration of her faith in the Trinity, by lifting her right hand, touching her forehead. "In the name of the Father…" she said reverently, before moving her hand to touch the center of her chest, "and the Son…" she touched her left shoulder, "and the Holy…" moving to touch her right shoulder, "Spirit. Amen."
Taking a deep, cleansing breath then, she rose from her knees, and moved to a nearby pew, where she lingered; her hands clasped in her lap. And that's where Father Ray found her, lost in thought.
Sitting down beside her, he gently touched her shoulder. "Natalia, is everything all right?" His voice was quiet, and filled with concern.
She looked up at him, her eyes bright and clear. "Everything is fine, Father," she said with conviction. Her time in God's presence had given her the peace she sought.
He arched a skeptical eyebrow. "It's fine?" he questioned, emphasizing her chosen adjective. He may have spent most of his life as a priest, but he still knew enough about women to know that when they said something was "fine," it was rarely meant in a positive connotation.
Natalia smiled sweetly at him. "It really is," she assured. "I was concerned about Rafe—he's very angry right now. But I prayed about it; gave it to God, and I know now that everything will be all right."
"May I ask why he's so angry?"
"You may," Natalia granted, with a single nod of her head. She took deep breath. "I've fallen very much in love with someone, and he's not at all happy about it."
Father Ray nodded. "Is Rafe upset that you're moving on?" he postulated. "Perhaps because he thinks loving someone else will diminish the love you felt for your husband?"
"No—," Natalia answered, shaking her head. "He doesn't approve of the person I love. He thinks sh—"
Father Ray's eyebrows adopted a confused contortion. "But Frank is such a good man," he interrupted. "He was a close friend to Gus, and from what I've seen and heard, he's been good to both you and Rafe since Gus's death."
Natalia was shaking her head frantically. "No, no, no, Father Ray, you've misunderstood," she said, adamantly. "I don't love Frank! He's just a friend. I love Oli—"
"I thought you and Frank had been dating for awhile?"
Natalia sighed, frustrated. This man was as infuriating as Frank, with his refusal to actually listen to what she was saying. "That was Olivia's doing," she explained. "She was coaching him, telling him what I needed to hear, so that he could charm me. But it didn't work, because every time I was with him, all I could think about was going home—going home to be with her…"
"With Olivia?" Father Ray sounded incredulously confounded. His eyebrows looked like caterpillars, crawling up his forehead.
"I didn't see this coming," Natalia said, "You know, the feelings that I have for…"
"Olivia." Father Ray sighed, disbelievingly.
"All I know is that they're real."
"Natalia, there's nothing wrong with what you're feeling," Father Ray empathized. "I understand the connection. She's got Gus's heart—you care about her daughter," he reasoned. "But the Church is clear on this matter—for you to act on these feelings would be—"
"It's a sin?" Natalia challenged. Her gaze was hard as steel.
Father Ray dropped his head and sighed heavily. Clearly, he was in for an uphill battle.
"But God is love. Right? Love?"
"God gave them over to shameful lust. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones," Father Ray quoted. "Romans 1:26-27. The scriptures say…"
"I—I know… I know what they say," Natalia interrupted; "but I don't feel in my heart that what I'm feeling is wrong."
"I can offer you support. I can give you guidance," he patronized. "The Church has counselors…"
"You know what, this, but this is not a confession, Father," Natalia said, straightforwardly, her dark eyes locked determinedly upon his. "I didn't come here for absolution—I've done nothing wrong. I came here because I'm concerned about my son, and about how he's handling the news about my relationship with Olivia."
"Well, it's no wonder he's reacting in anger, Natalia," Father Ray said, condescendingly. "Your relationship with this woman goes against everything you've ever taught him. It goes against God's teachings…"
"I have thought about this, and I have prayed and prayed about it, and I am still the same person, no matter who I love," Natalia insisted. "I wanna help you with your Church charities, and I wanna still go to Mass every Sunday. My faith in God is still as strong as it was before any of this happened; I still believe in Him and His teachings…"
"Not all of them," Father Ray said, accusingly.
There was a pregnant pause, and then Natalia met his eyes with determination. "I love Olivia," she declared, firmly. "And I love my faith. And I don't see why I have to choose between them."
"The Bible is open to interpretation, but the Church believes—"
Natalia covered her face with her hands. "I understand…" Her voice was riddled with pain, and she sounded as though she might cry. But then, she gathered her resolve, and clasped her hands, saying, "But the Bible also says, 'Test all things, and hold fast to that which is good'." He could look up the reference himself, she thought, defiantly.
Father Ray nodded his head. He had no choice but to reluctantly concede that she was correct. The Bible did, in fact, say that.
"I respect the views of the Church, Father," Natalia said, gently, "but I respect what His Word says, even more…"
"Then how can you…"
She held up a hand to halt his impending argument. "Please, let me finish…"
He nodded. What choice did he have? He had never before seen such determination in her.
"There are many instances where the Bible contradicts itself," she pointed out. "There's no way you can deny that…"
Father Ray nodded again. "No, I can't deny that," he conceded, "but—"
Natalia cut his explanation off cold. "So in those areas where I find contradiction, I choose to take what I know of God personally, and apply it," she explained.
"What do you mean?" She had his full attention now.
"I know that above all else, God is love," Natalia answered. It was simple, yet profound. "And I also know that God doesn't make mistakes. Gus's death wasn't a mistake—it was predestined. I know that now. And it wasn't a mistake, or even a coincidence, that his heart was a perfect match for her. I know that God had a plan, and that plan was to bring Olivia to me, because she needed someone who could love her unconditionally. And I do. I always will—regardless of the Church's opinion. God's opinion matters more—and He has given me peace. I won't allow the Church to take that away from me."
Realizing that he was getting nowhere with her by arguing the Church's position, Father Ray changed tactics. "Natalia, this life that you're choosing is a difficult one," he attempted to persuade. "I just don't understand why you would do this to yourself."
"Are you suggesting to me, that I pretend that I don't have feelings for Olivia, because it would make my life a little bit easier?" She was angry now. "My life would have been a lot easier if I had aborted Rafe and never told my family, or given him up for adoption the way they wanted me to! But just because something is easier, doesn't mean that it's right…"
Father Ray sighed. "I'm saying that you can love Olivia unconditionally, without acting on that love in a sexual way. It's the sexual act that will bring condemnation upon the both of you."
"I don't think you understand. My love for her is not the agape kind of love that exists between friends in Christ, Father Ray. And neither is hers for me. It's the Eros kind of love—the kind of love that evokes intimacy and passion," Natalia said, clearly.
Father Ray looked seriously discomfited by Natalia's candor, but that didn't stop her from speaking her truth.
"God has shown me that our love was a part of His plan, and He has given me peace. So why should I deny either one of us the pleasure of physical intimacy, just to please the Church?"
"I can see it won't do any good to try to reason with you," Father Ray said, frustrated. He hated to see such a good person go down such a sinful path; but his words were clearly not reaching her.
"God's love defies all reason, Father," Natalia said, softly; her frustration with him easing a bit. "You of all people should understand that."
"You understand that you won't be allowed to receive Holy Communion as long as you choose to live in this sin with her," he warned.
"Loving Olivia is not a sin, and I'll never agree that it is," Natalia said, determinedly, "but I'm willing to accept the Church's stance on Holy Communion."
"So be it, Natalia," Father Ray said, quietly. "I pray that someday you'll see the truth." And with that, he stood from the pew, and walked away.
Covering her face with her hands, she drew in a deep breath, releasing it slowly. The encounter with Father Ray had been difficult; but not as difficult as she had imagined. She was thankful to God for giving her the fortitude not only to tell him the truth about her relationship with Olivia, but to stand up to him when he attempted to shame her. She wasn't angry with him—she understood his position—the Church's position. But she had long-since learned that God tended to speak to her more clearly when she listened without benefit of the Church's distorted lens.
Satisfied with the outcome of her visit, she bundled up in long, black leather coat Olivia had gifted to her, gathered her things, and walked out the door. Home was calling to her—and Home's name was Olivia Spencer…
Sunday Evening—the Farmhouse of Love…
Natalia entered their house through the mud room, breathing a sigh of relief as she discarded her winter accouterments. Sock-footed, she sauntered into the living room; finding Olivia relaxing on the sofa with her laptop and a glass of red wine.
Olivia's lips adopted a smile that reflected clearly in her eyes the moment Natalia came into view.
The corners of Natalia's lips curled upward in response—nothing could've welcomed her home with more genuine warmth than Olivia Spencer's smile.
"You feel better about things?" Olivia's tone was both expectant and sincere, as she set her laptop aside, holding her hand out for Natalia.
Taking the proffered hand, Natalia allowed herself to be pulled into Olivia's lap, and wrapped into her warm embrace. "Mmm…" she sighed, as she melted against Olivia's body, "I do now…"
Nuzzling into Olivia's neck, Natalia brushed her lips against soft skin, causing Olivia to squeal. "Your nose is cold!"
"But my mouth is warm," Natalia murmured, kissing her way to Olivia's lips.
Olivia sighed into their kiss. "Sure is…" The fingers of her right hand tangled in Natalia's hair.
The kiss was brief by comparison to their usual kisses, but still it was deeply satisfying, and Natalia sighed contentedly, as she laid her head against Olivia's shoulder. Reaching out, she pulled the hand that had tangled in her hair toward her, placing it on her thigh. "I saw Father Ray this evening," she quietly reported. Her fingertips slowly traced the contours of Olivia's hand.
"Oh, yeah?" Obviously Natalia had something to say, and Olivia was certainly curious, but she didn't press.
"I, um…" Natalia smiled a little, "I told him about us."
"You did?" Olivia sounded surprised, though not disappointedly so.
"Yeah, I did," Natalia confirmed. She sounded rather pleased with her accomplishment.
"And?"
"And it felt good, Liv," Natalia declared. "Really good."
"No regrets?" Olivia checked in.
"None whatsoever," Natalia said, with absolute certainty, her gaze firmly locked on Olivia's.
Olivia reached out; brushing the knuckles of her right hand against Natalia's left cheek. "You have more courage than anyone I've ever met," she quietly acknowledged. "And I admire that more than you know."
"Well, I couldn't lie to him," Natalia said with a nervous laugh, "Not to a priest…"
"Oh, heavens no." The exhalation of air was accompanied by a roguish grin.
"Stop it!" Natalia tried to scold. But she couldn't hold back the chuckle that tickled in her chest.
Olivia laughed softly, but her eyes were filled with sincerity. "I still admire you, Natalia," she said. "I'm sure he wasn't exactly supportive; and it couldn't have been easy for you to open yourself up to more ridicule, after what you went through with Rafe today."
"It wasn't easy," Natalia said, forthrightly, "but it was worth it." Taking Olivia's face in her hands, she searched those sparkling jade eyes. "I love you, Olivia. And I will do whatever it takes to be with you," she vowed, "as long as you're willing to do the same for me."
"I am, Natalia," Olivia quietly pledged. "I promise you. I am."
Natalia grinned and kissed her. "Yeah, just keep it legal, okay?" she teased.
Olivia wasn't laughing when she promised, "You have my word."
TBC… in Chapter 8.9: Comeuppance and Candor…