DISCLAIMER: I don't own it
((A/N I would write a note, but my sister is trying to read this over my shoulder twitch and I have to go to Kenjutsu...))
To Love Black (sequel)
It is hard to be in love with someone. To give everything simply to make them happy was a great sacrifice, a satisfactory one. After all, people would not be so prone to falling in love if it did not make them feel so good.
Giving something away is said to be more satisfying then receiving something. But perhaps this is just an excuse humans use to cover for not thinking that way at all, to pretend that they are not selfish. It is a selfish characteristic in itself for someone to pretend that they love someone simply for their own benefit.
'Only human' – why do people say this anyway? With the insistence that they are perfect, that they have morals so pure as to give all they have without keeping anything for themselves, this comment strikes one as contradictory. Did they not just give evidence that they were 'the ultimate beings'? For that to be true, then they would not need to say in defense that 'I'm only human'.
- - - - -
Yuki had been in love with Black Haru for months now. The strange phenomenon of twelve humans turning into the animals of the zodiac when hugged by members of the opposite sex, or when they are significantly weakened physically, is just as out of this world as the effect it has on the present carrier of the spirit of the cow – Hatsuharu Sohma. The curse affects him in that his own personality clashes with the personality of the cow, giving him two distinct personalities, both complete opposites. His split personalities have been dubbed by his family 'Black' and 'White' Haru and contrary to the Sohma families assumptions, Haru was still Haru. He changed 'Black' when restless or angry, but this was just his real personality only more so – simply emphasized. As was his 'White side' – simply Haru when he was feeling calm and controlled, only these emotions are emphasized.
Haru has been in love with Yuki since he was a child, but Yuki never loved him back. Until now. Or… at least, it was a partial love. A half love in return for Haru's devotion. Are either of them meant to be satisfied with that? Is that a satisfactory love? To half love someone with all of your heart, and to only receive a half love in return. Or to be loved devotedly, but only be able to return that love half-way.
Having the one you love reject you only to accept you once you get angry at the denial of ever loving you – is that satisfaction? Is that true love?
Loving someone with all your heart, yet knowing that someone is only half of a whole. To be able to be around the physical representation of the person you love, but not always the 'person' you love – is that giving all to your loved one? Is that big enough a sacrifice to call what you have 'love'?
In answer to both predicaments, there is, of course, a resounding 'no'. And in this case, both parties know it. The cure was surrender. But who would realize this and act upon it first? Would either Haru or Yuki be reluctant to give away that much of their individuality for the other? Surrender, however, could be interpreted in another way then surrendering to love – to surrender love itself.
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It always confused and saddened Haru when Yuki deliberately mad him mad. He had realized why Yuki did it a while ago – to spend more time with Black… but, if I really love Yuki, wouldn't I want him to be happy? No matter if he loves someone that isn't me? And… is not Black partially me? It should be enough for me to simply be part of the one my love would embrace.
But Haru realized that it wasn't enough. The boy who loved with all his heart would not return his love… it made him mad. But… Haru was not even sure his anger was real anymore. If he was really angry or if it was just want to be with Yuki more that made him mad. Was he selfish in that way? Yuki had a right to his own choices after all…
Love, confusion and guilt were eating Haru from inside out. His Yuki loved half of him. For one such as him, should he not be satisfied?
- - - - -
"Haru! Haru you stupid cow-" Yuki smiled as Haru grabbed the school tie he was still wearing roughly.
His lover had been quicker to anger the past few months. Ever since Yuki had admitted that he loved him…
FLASHBACK
Yuki tried to pull back from Haru, stopped by the wall he had (willingly) been backed into. He reached a hand behind Haru's head and pulled on the white hair sharply, and taking large gulps of air before Haru caught his mouth again. In consequence for those quick moments of respite, teeth bit into Yuki's lip, almost drawing blood. At the feel of Haru's teeth Yuki moaned in want – discontented with the almost-pain the pressure brought.
Haru chuckled and lessened the bite, leaning back and toying with the weakness the other was showing. Yuki's eye-brows snapped together and he closed his mouth, grinding his teeth together and looking defiantly up at Haru. The cow simply attacked Yuki's neck instead, stretched to look up at Haru. The gasp from Yuki was as much invitation as he needed to claim Yuki's mouth again, the glistening red from finally breaking the skin marking it his territory.
When the kiss was over, Black Haru let Yuki's head fall to his shoulder as the rat gasped for breath that he forever seemed short of and sucked at the salty taste Haru left on his lower lip. "Black…" Yuki breathed into Haru's ear when he had recovered. The shiver that ran though the other boy made Yuki smirk, "I-"
The small smirk of superiority Yuki had allowed himself had not gone unnoticed by Haru, and to remind the purple head who was boss, Haru bore down on the other, looming over him in an almost threatening manner. "-love you." Yuki finished, looking confidently up at Haru, not fooled by the height difference.
"Not gonna' to save you though," Haru replied, and Yuki again contemplated how different the reactions from Black and White were in response to that word – love.
END FLASHBACK
It was empowering to Yuki – the unconscious control he had over the other. It was empowering… but Yuki felt it was deceiving too. White Haru seemed too innocent to trick like that, to do so was immoral and selfish. Every time Yuki caught Haru alone he forgot this though. Is it so wrong to want to be with the one I love? Haven't I suffered enough? I'm a person too. I'm human too.
Nether-the-less, it was not right. To betray Haru's trust and deliberately turn him Black. The turmoil that Haru's emotions must be in because of the constant switches between White and Black made Yuki feel guilty. It was not his place to do that to Haru. Haru had done nothing but love him, and Yuki had taken advantage of that.
Another tug on his tie reminded Yuki that Haru was still in front of him, and the purple head turned a seductive gaze upon him before realizing that he had turned White already. Yuki sighed at the missed opportunity.
- - - - -
Yuki was looking at him so lovingly… so hungrily… then a look of realization came into his eyes, and he sighed, obviously frustrated. It was a scene that had been replayed so many times. The look of disappointment in Yuki's eyes as he realized that it was White he was holding close, that was holding him… or in one case he 'awoke' looking straight into the others eyes as they locked lips. The look haunted him, the disappointment haunted him. It was bewildering to Haru why Yuki changed his look. He was the same person on the inside! Couldn't he see that!
But he did not see it. Yuki his love did not look so far as to see the whole of him. Haru realized this, and finally accepted it.
The two-toned teenager let go of Yuki's tie and walked away. He isn't worth it… He isn't worth the pain I feel whenever I see him. He isn't! Even though tears made tracks down his face at the loss, Haru kept repeating it to himself, Yuki isn't worth the heartache.
- - - - -
Yuki watched from his perch on the veranda as Kyo exchanged insults with Haru, who responded half heartedly or not at all. White just did not seem to want to change to Black.
FLASHBACK
"Kisa?" The tiger looked up at the tentative knock on her door. "It's Haru."
"Oh! Come in Haru-kun." Haru came in flicked on the light.
"Kisa, you shouldn't read in the dark, it isn't good for your eyes." He sat on the chair in front of Kisa's table. "Just wanted to say hi… how is school?"
Kisa looked closely at Haru, "School is alright I guess… Haru-kun, have you not been sleeping well lately?"
"That's good. No more problems with your class mates? No… I have had… a lot on my mind," Haru looked away from the little girl.
"Haru-kun, you shouldn't let Yuki-kun bother you so much." Kisa's sudden directness brought Haru's eyes back to hers.
He sighed, "What if he won't leave? He said he loved me… He loves me Kisa!"
Kisa looked steadily back at Haru's strained face, "You said he loved Black. Don't be fooled by him Haru. You tried your best; now have him fill the last gap. A real relationship takes more then one person, you know."
"But how?" Haru asked, needing the small child's support. Kisa knew more then him in matters like this, so it always seemed to him. He had come to her for advice.
"Force him to accept White. Don't give in and turn Black. Haru," Kisa got up and crawled into Haru's lap, "Stop giving so much of yourself to him – you will have nothing left for yourself. Yuki is being-" a big yawn interrupted her words, "-selfish. It may be hard, Haru, but it will be good in the end."
END FLASHBACK
"Haru! Haru, come over here!" Yuki stood up and shouted to Haru.
"Wha-? Oh… Coming Yuki." The two walked off into the forest, leaving Kyo to fume.
"So…" Yuki sat down beside Haru when the cow sat himself under a tree. "Uh... how are you?"
"I'm good."
Yuki nodded and waited for Haru to say something. He did not.
"…Haru, you stupid cow-" Yuki finally broke the ice, using the same words he usually did to turn Haru Black.
Haru turned lazy eyes onto Yuki, "Sorry, no can do. What do you think I am that I would change myself at your slightest wish? Who do you think you are that you think I would do that for you?"
Yuki was taken aback. "What?"
"You heard me."
The older teenager sat in a sort of shocked silence at Haru's refusal. His next words did not break him of it. "I'm going back." After a few steps Haru turned and looked at Yuki, "You know, you are really selfish Yuki. I'm not your plaything. I'm not a toy." Yuki stared at the tears welling in Haru's eyes, "Stop acting like you own me!" Months of frustration suddenly wanted out, and Haru spun around and his fist sent a tree branch flying.
He had, in spite of his best efforts, turned Black. But… it surprised Haru that he still did not think any differently of Yuki. The rat had hurt him. He had given Yuki everything he had, and finally not receiving anything, not even an honest refusal- had changed his opinion of Yuki. If Yuki found his conscience then Haru would love him. Take the rat back into his heart. Haru did not think he could ever refuse Yuki his heart if he gave his in return. Until then, the cow would use Yuki just as he had used him. Without attachment.
- - - - -
Yuki gasped as he was slammed against a thick tree. Black coming towards him looked threatening. And Yuki did not think that it was a good thing for him to be in Haru's road this time round. Maybe… maybe he had pushed Haru too far this time.
Haru's fist pounded into the tree, just missing Yuki. When the rat tried to slip away the other side, Haru's other fist slammed into the tree, and Yuki had to move quickly to avoid being hit. It soon dawned on him that the cow had him trapped; Haru's arms on both sides and the tree behind.
"You don't like this, do you Yuki." It was not a question. Unlike other situations much like this one, Yuki was not enjoying himself.
"…" Purple eyes flickered over their surroundings, looking for some sort of escape.
The taller boy leaned in closer, crushing Yuki against the tree, "Not thinking of leaving already, are we? But you got what you asked for…!"
"S-stop it, Haru. I-I don't like it." Yuki had his head turned to the side and Haru grabbed his hair to yank the frightened face towards him.
"Oh? But I do. Shouldn't that make it all better? That is what you did to me after all."
Yuki shuddered as Haru ran his fingers though his hair, strands snagging on his fingers and pulling at Yuki's scalp. He squeezed his eyes shut, "I'm- I'm sorry ok! I'm really… really sorry!"
Haru backed off and Yuki grabbed at the tree for support, his knees still weak from fright.
"Sorry doesn't cut it, Yuki." White Haru's voice was sad. "I wish it would, but it doesn't. Please, I know that I still love you. If you can ever love me back, I would probably take you back. Re-think your motivations in calling me yours before that though. I will probably see you in school tomorrow. Have a good night, Yuki-kun. Be well."
- - - - -
Yuki did think. He thought so hard about how he felt for Haru. It shocked him to realize that Haru had rejected his love for possibly the first time – compared to Yuki's earlier treatment of the ox. Apart from the obvious, what was the difference between Black and White? They are still part of the same whole… But, then what was the whole of Haru? Did he have two pieces to him…? It must be hard for him, then, to live in two worlds at once. Yuki's eyebrows came together. But… but then how did Haru know… that one time, in the forest when he… How did he know what Black had been doing? If Black and White were separate beings then…
The thought plagued him for a day… two days… it was a week gone by before Yuki realized his mistake. Haru was not two people. Haru was one person. A vice seemed to squeeze Yuki's heart from his chest, Haru… he never was two people. He was just… Haru. All along. I-I treated him- so badly… How can he forgive me!
Yuki got up, intending to go straight to the main house and talk to Haru- He had almost stepped out of the house before remembering how late it was. And it was a good thing too. All Yuki had worked out in his mind was that Haru was not simply 'Black' and 'White'; that he was a person too.
He had never made clear in his mind whether he loved him.
- - - - -
Kisa sat with her head on Haru's shoulder, pretending that she did not see the clear drops of water that ran down the other's cheeks – Haru would not like that he exposed her to his pain.
"He will love me again, won't he, Kisa? I didn't think it would be this hard letting him go…"
"…" All Haru needed was silence, to work things out in his own mind.
She could give her friend that much and more. She could talk to Yuki. It would be hard… Kisa was, after all, a shy person… but her loyalty to Haru won out. Kisa would see Yuki tomorrow.
- - - - -
Yuki watched as Kisa quietly walked out of his room, intending to see Tohru before going back home. She had stuttered and blushed at first… but finally got her reason for coming across: Haru wanted him back. Haru loved him, and was only waiting for him – Yuki.
Haru loves me… Do I love him back?
I love part of him… but that isn't good enough. That was the reason he gave up on me in the first place. Now that I know he is the same person, is he easier to love? …Maybe- maybe he is easier to love now that I know that he is one person. After all… there are always some qualities in that you don't like in a person… Could I get used to Haru's 'White' side? Is simply 'getting used' to a person good enough?
- - - - -
Haru came to Yuki a week later, just after the student council meeting finished. It had gone for longer then usual (into the next lesson), and even though the day was only half done, Yuki was already exhausted.
Coming to get his books from the locker room, Haru was already leaning against the locker beside Yuki's. "Hi, Yuki. How was your meeting?"
Yuki tried to relax from the instant tension that the sight of his now 'ex'-lover had incited in him. "…Haru…"
"Yep – my name is Haru. You are Yuki!"
Haru's teasing did not do much to calm the older boy, as was evident from his wide, purple eyes. Haru jerked a thumb at Yuki's locker and the other remembered what he was there for. He quickly fumbled at his lock.
"Yuki?" Haru used two fingers to turn Yuki's head towards him, his chin tilted up. "Yuki? Did- Have you decided yet? C-can you love all of me?" This time it was Haru who was stumbling over words.
"…" I don't know! I wish I could say yes, Haru! I wish I could say those words you so desperately want to hear! Haru's face slowly crumbled as the seconds ticked by that Yuki did not answer. His fingers dropped.
"…Oh…" he trailed off and turned to leave.
Without thought, Yuki grabbed Haru's shirt, "D-don't leave…"
"Why shouldn't I leave?" Haru looked over his shoulder.
"Because…" Why did I do that? I should just let him go… But, why did I grab him in the first place? Haru is White… His face looked so sad…
"Yuki, I have to go to class."
"Sorry won't do it – I know. I give in. I give in to love- love for all of you. Forgive me, Haru, for not realizing it sooner."
"…Are you fooling with me?"
"No."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes I'm sure Haru! Believe me!" Yuki spun Haru around then stared at the small smile on the others face. "…huh?"
"I love you too – 'all of you'," Haru's smile widened into a rather cheesy grin.
Yuki grinned back as he felt Haru's hand trail butterfly soft up Yuki's arm. They both watched as his fingers came up to his shoulder, then passed out of sight, over the material on his back to rest on Yuki's hip. The purple haired boy was blushing, and Haru was still grinning… but they were in love. And it may not be fate or 'love at first sight'… but, they were happy. They had given everything for love of the other – and that was true love.