Title: Confessions Lead to Strange Bedfellows
Author: Kimberly21570
Fandoms: Guiding Light / All My Children
Pairings: Olivia and Natalia / Lena and Bianca
Disclaimer: The characters of Olivia and Emma Spencer, Natalia and Rafe Rivera, Marissa Spencer Randall, and Frank Cooper are owned by CBS/TeleNext and Proctor & Gamble. The characters of Lena and Paulina Kundera, Bianca and Jackson Montgomery, Maggie Stone, Erica Kane, Alexander Cambias, Jr. and Sr., Zach and Kendall Slater, and Michael Cambias are owned by All My Children, ABC/Disney and Prospect Park.
No copyright infringement intended with regard to Guiding Light, CBS/TeleNext, Proctor & Gamble, AMC, ABC/Disney, Prospect Park or any other entity. Dialogue, settings, and story content in these scenes are original. Written for fun, not profit. All other standard disclaimers apply.
Rating: Chapter 9.10 is rated R for coarse language.
Hope you all enjoy the update, and just remember as you read that this is soap opera angst… ;)
Confessions Lead to Strange Bedfellows
Copyright May, 2009
"Honor isn't about making the right choices. It's about dealing with the consequences."
Anonymous
"Wisdom consists of the anticipation of consequences."
Norman Cousins
Chapter 9.10 – When Past and Present Collide:
Tuesday, April 28, 2009… Martha's Vineyard—11:30 a.m. Eastern Daylight Time
"What did Olivia tell you about Jordan's father?" Bianca asked Natalia, as they sat together on the front porch steps. After talking briefly about how Olivia was doing when Natalia last saw her, they had moved on to other topics—a prudent diversionary tactic on Bianca's part.
With the exception of what Bianca had shared herself, she wasn't certain exactly how much Natalia knew about her past, and the decision she and Lena had made to raise Jordan together. She thought, given the brevity of their previous conversation, and all that was happening around them, a more in-depth discussion was warranted.
Still torn about what she thought was the truth, Natalia treaded lightly. "About Alex," she shook her head, "I mean, Zach?" She should have been accustomed to keeping track of two different names for a man from the past, but ironically, she wasn't.
"Oh, no," Bianca replied, shaking her head, "I mean her biological father."
Surprised by the statement yet, somehow not, Natalia shook her head, indicating that she didn't know anything about this mystery man, other than that he was a man from Lena's past with a grudge against the Kane family. "So Zach isn't…" She breathed an audible sigh of relief. "I mean—I thought… well, Jordan calls him 'Daddy', so I just… I assumed…" She was beyond thankful to learn that her assumption had been wrong. She liked Zach, despite the momentary misgivings—ones that she now realized were based upon faulty assumptions. He reminded her of his father—strong, intelligent, genteel. She was relieved to know he wasn't the monster Bianca had described the afternoon prior.
"Oh, God!" Bianca gasped, when she realized what Natalia must have assumed. So much had happened, so quickly, that the thought had not even crossed her mind; though she realized, in retrospect, that it should have. "No, Natalia, biologically Zach is her uncle," she quickly corrected. "His younger brother is the man who attacked me. Zach never would have hurt me the way Michael did."
The air caught in Natalia's chest. She recognized the familial connection immediately—and it wasn't a pleasant experience. "Michael Cambias is Jordan's father?" She remembered Olivia's words regarding the man. "He's a soulless monster, Natalia. A rapist and a baby killer—and those are his good qualities."
Natalia shuddered at the thought, but tried not to sound alarmed. She had known, even then, that Lena and Bianca were the friends Olivia was referencing; but now that the she knew them personally, everything had changed. The full picture was coming into clear view, and she found it profoundly difficult to fathom all that they had endured at the hands of this faceless monster.
"I take it you know who he is?" Bianca surmised.
"I know that he's dangerous," Natalia said, bluntly.
"That's putting it mildly." Bianca's tone was deadly serious. "So you can see why we would rather have her believe Zach is her father," she reasoned aloud.
"Why Zach?" Natalia asked out of curiosity. It seemed rather awkward to her.
"Honestly, it wasn't a conscious decision on our part—at least not at first." Not knowing how Natalia would react, Bianca cautiously edged toward the truth. "I mean, it's not like we felt as though she needed a father, per se. But we did want her to have a strong male figure in her life, like my Uncle Jack was for me. We want that for all of our children."
"How did things come about with Zach, then? What happened?"
"Two things, really," Bianca replied, matter-of-factly. She leaned forward, resting her forearms on her knees. "First and foremost, my sister Kendall." Pausing for a moment, she took a breath as she weighed her words. It wasn't as though the whole world didn't know the truth—her mother's history, and thus, Kendall's truth, had been all over the tabloids. But still, it was a sensitive subject. "She knows what it's like, living with the stigma of being the child of rape," she explained gently.
Natalia's fingers fell to her lips, unsuccessfully stifling a gasp. "Your Mother was…"
"Yes—" Bianca's quiet response came before Natalia even finished her question. "She was only fourteen when it happened, and she gave Kendall away."
Natalia's thoughts immediately went to Olivia and Ava. "I can't even imagine how awful that must have been for them," she said, empathically.
Bianca nodded, solemnly. "It took my Mother decades to work through her pain," she acknowledged. "And as for Kendall, growing up with the knowledge that her birth mother had given her away was hard enough on her. All her life, she felt unworthy, unlovable, because her own mother didn't want her. And then to learn the truth about her parentage, well, that literally devastated her. In her mind, it confirmed what she had spent years believing. It took her a really long time to get past all of that, and finally accept that her value as a person had nothing to do with how she was conceived, or the fact that Mom had given her away."
She paused for a moment, remembering the day she told Kendall she was pregnant with Michael's child. She and Kendall had never been close. They hated one another, in fact. But thanks to a long talk at the Independence Day Celebration that summer, they had agreed to work on their relationship. That happened just days before the rape. And hearing the news of Bianca's pregnancy broke the damn that had been holding Kendall's emotions back for years.
"You know, I told you yesterday that Jordan healed both Lena and me," Bianca finally reflected. "But what I didn't tell you was that she helped to heal Kendall and my Mother, as well. She healed both their hearts and their relationship with one another. Not to mention what her birth did to bring Kendall and me closer."
Natalia's heart ached for these women she didn't even know. "The women in your family are incredibly strong," she declared. "You included."
An affectionate smile graced Bianca's lips. "Thank you," she said, quietly. "Mom and Kendall are two of the strongest women I've ever known," she acknowledged. "And two of the wisest; which is why we agreed with Kendall when she insisted that Jordan never know the truth."
"You're not afraid she'll learn the truth someday?" Natalia wondered.
Bianca was contemplative for a moment before answering. "I don't think I'll ever have a day when I don't fear that," she confessed. Given that she was Erica Kane's daughter, the rape trial had been a public spectacle; and even with his separate sentences for the rape and his corporate crimes being served consecutively rather than concurrently, Michael wouldn't be in prison forever. "But I also don't dwell on it. If I did, I would never have a moment's peace."
Natalia gave an understanding nod. "Like I said, you're an incredibly strong woman, Bianca. I admire that in you."
"I'm no stronger than you, Natalia," Bianca said, sincerely. "A woman's strength is measured by the integrity she shows in facing her greatest challenges. Not in how her challenges measure up against those of another woman."
Pausing for a moment, Natalia considered Bianca's statement. "Not only are you strong, you're wise beyond your years." There was admiration in her tone.
A light blush colored Bianca's cheeks. "Thank you," she said, softly. She thought for a moment, before saying, "The bottom line is we all face challenges, Natalia. And regardless of the nature of the challenge, to the person facing it, more often than not, it feels insurmountable. It shouldn't be a contest about who had it harder. Anyone who finds the strength to overcome such an overwhelming obstacle deserves to be celebrated."
Again, Natalia nodded. "Thank you for that," she said, sincerely. "You made me feel a lot better."
"Then clearly, my work here is finished," Bianca said, teasingly.
Laughing, Natalia said, "Oh, you're not getting off that easy."
"Damn," Bianca grumbled facetiously.
Natalia released another laugh, and turned her attention back to their initial conversation. "What was your other reason?" she asked. "For letting Jordan think that Zach is her father," she clarified.
"Alexandria," Bianca answered, forthrightly.
"What about her?"
"Well, not just her really," Bianca attempted to clarify. "It was about Erick and Ian, too."
Natalia's face wore a curious expression, and Bianca attempted to explain. "Jordan never really paid attention to the fact that the boys had a daddy, and she didn't. But when Alex came along, Lena and I talked at great length about the role we wanted Zach to play in her life; and ultimately, we decided to just stick with the truth. So then Alex had a daddy too, and I think Jordan felt left out. Next thing we knew, she was calling him 'Daddy'."
"And he didn't mind?"
"Zach?" Bianca laughed lightly; almost as if Natalia's question was absurd. "No—he didn't mind at all. In fact, the first time she said it, he got a little teary-eyed." She smiled as she remembered that moment. "He had vowed from the very beginning to be a father to her, to make up for what Michael had done, and he was thrilled that we were willing to let him take on the role."
"Sounds like Jordan is a very blessed little girl." Natalia's softly spoken assertion was filled with emotion.
"She is," Bianca quietly agreed. "He loves her as much as he does Alexandria and the boys. Maybe even more. No one would ever know that she isn't really his, and we're very thankful for that, y'know, because I don't think a child can ever be loved too much." There was an amalgam of fondness and gratitude in her voice as she spoke of Zach, and the affection he held for her eldest daughter.
"I agree," Natalia said, softly. She paused for a moment, thinking through the plethora of information she had received. "So… he's Alexandria's biological father, and the father of the baby Lena is carrying?" She was beginning to put the pieces into place. It felt a little incestuous to her, that Bianca's brother-in-law would father her children. But then again, who was she, the unmarried, pregnant Catholic, to judge? she silently chastised.
"Yes—," Bianca answered, unashamedly.
"How did Kendall deal with that?" Natalia knew it was none of her business, but this entire situation intrigued her. She considered apologizing for all of the questions, but she could tell that Bianca didn't find it intrusive.
"She's okay with it," Bianca answered, candidly. "I mean, she wasn't at first, but Zach made his intentions clear to her from the start. She made the choice to accept his decision when she married him, and she doesn't regret it," she explained.
Natalia nodded, but remained silent.
"I know it seems rather unconventional. Even I find it difficult to wrap my head around sometimes," Bianca admitted. "But we really wanted Jordan to have biological siblings, and Zach was our answer. He was as close as we thought we could get."
Attempting to process the information, Natalia asked, "How does it all work?" She was more than just curious. "I mean, how much weight do his opinions carry when it comes to your girls?"
Clearly, Natalia was searching for some sort of roadmap for where her own life was headed. Bianca understood, and sought to help her. "Legally, we all have equal standing as the girls' parents," she revealed, "but we have boundaries in place, and Zach respects them. He knows that his opinion matters to us, and that we listen to what he has to say; but ultimately, Lena and I make the decisions together."
"And Zach's okay with that?"
"So far, so good," Bianca grinned. "He even laughs at us, and says he's not getting in the middle of things when Lena and I disagree."
"Like with the pony?" Natalia presumed.
"Exactly," Bianca chuckled. "He knows I'm right," she said, with a smug lilt, "but he won't say a word."
Natalia laughed at the feigned hauteur in Bianca's tone; receiving a smile in response. And then she grew quiet, studying the pattern of swirls in the concrete sidewalk, as she contemplated how Frank might respond to not having a say in decisions about the baby. "I hope that Frank will be as open-minded as Zach," she finally said, as she glanced toward Bianca again.
"This is really weighing on your mind, isn't it," Bianca surmised. There was no question in her tone.
"It is." Natalia sighed. "It's just that… with Rafe, all the decisions were mine, you know? I never had to consider what Nicky thought or wanted, because he disappeared before he even knew I was pregnant. And with Emma, it's just so easy, because for the most part, Olivia and I agree on what's best for her."
"But you're concerned that maybe Frank's opinions will conflict with yours and Olivia's when it comes to the baby?" Bianca's tone sounded like both question and statement.
"Yes, I am. I'm very concerned," Natalia admitted.
"Well, like I said before, you need boundaries," Bianca said, wisely. "Talk honestly with Frank, and let him have some input," she recommended. "That way, he won't feel left out. But put them in place and start enforcing them before the baby is even born, so there's never a question about where the lines are drawn."
Nodding, Natalia indicated her agreement. "I take it that's experience talking."
Bianca nodded. "It is, and it worked out really well."
Natalia smiled, and lightly bumped her shoulder against Bianca's. "Thanks for lending your wisdom."
"Anytime," Bianca smiled.
"Care to lend a little more?" Natalia asked, tentatively.
"Sure—" Bianca easily agreed. "What about?"
"Olivia…"
Standing there in front of Zach, once again, Olivia felt her insides begin to shake. She nodded, acknowledging that she had indeed asked to see him, and Zach stepped closer.
"I'm sorry I ran out like that," she said, a bit sheepishly. "It just… it caught me off guard, seeing you with the girls."
"You didn't know, did you," he said, rhetorically. "That they were mine."
"I think, um… I think Lena was trying to tell me this morning," Olivia answered. "But you were early…" She allowed the implications to follow without words.
He responded with a nod and a grunt. "I'm sorry I interrupted." His tone was gruff, but sincere.
"It would've been nice not to be caught so off-guard." There was cynicism in her tone, as she wondered why Lena had waited so long to tell her.
"Why would it bother you to see me with my girls?" Zach asked, thinking her comment a bit out of line. And then the possibility dawned on him. "Surely you don't think I'm the one who…"
"Of course not," Olivia answered, interrupting his question before he was even finished. Her tone changed then, from chastisement to compassion. "I know Jordan isn't yours, biologically, but I understand why you're involved in her life."
Shoulders hunching forward, Zach shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans. "I couldn't let what my brother did, hurt that little girl." She could hear the emotion in his voice. "I adopted her after Alexandria was born. She deserved to have a real father, just as much as Alex and my boys."
Olivia knew his words were heartfelt, but they sliced through her own heart like a razor-sharp blade. She grimaced; forcing herself to turn away from him. Everything in her wanted to snap at him about how nice it was for him to be so concerned about a child that wasn't even his, and ask why he couldn't have been so likeminded with his own firstborn son. Hell, forget about civility. She wanted to scream that her boy had deserved a real father too. But she knew that wasn't fair of her—Zach didn't even know the child existed; and their boy had been raised by a man who was a wonderful father to him. And so she bit her tongue, fighting the urge to be sarcastic and passive-aggressive.
Cautiously, Zach stepped closer. "Did I say something to upset you?" he asked, concerned by the change in her demeanor.
Perceptive bastard, isn't he? Olivia thought sarcastically. But what came out of her mouth was decidedly different, and not at all the way she had planned. "I was pregnant when you… died." She blurted it out, emphasizing the part about his death with harsh cynicism.
"What?" Delivered on a gasp, Zach clutched his chest. He looked positively dumbstruck.
She spun around on her bare heel, boring a hole in the sand beneath her foot. "You heard me," she snapped. "I was pregnant when you left me."
"Olivia, I—I didn't lea—"
Her hand shot up, halting his argument before he could even finish. "Oh, save it, Alex," she said, brusquely. "I don't care how you spin it—You. Left. Me." Her tone was harsh, unrelenting. "I was all alone, pregnant, thinking that your crazy brother had killed you, and that our son would be next."
"We have a son?" Zach's tone was an amalgam of shock and awe. "Where is he? What's his name? When can I meet him?"
Olivia said nothing. Her mind was back in that delivery room in London; watching the nurse take her child away. She remembered the ache in her heart; the longing she felt to hold her son, even if only for a few moments, and then sobbing in Paulina's arms until sleep finally claimed her.
And then she remembered how incredible Natalia had been when she shared that memory with her. She had never told the story, never shared the emotions, with another living soul after the day her son was born. When Paulina or Marissa would ask her how she was doing, she brushed their concern aside, refusing to even acknowledge his birth, let alone any lingering emotions about giving him away. It was the bottling up of those feelings of loss that prompted changes in Olivia that would have repercussions in her life for nearly two decades. But that afternoon, in her suite with Natalia, she had broken down in a way she never had in the past, finally letting go of all the years of longing for the child she had never been allowed to hold.
"Where is my son, Olivia?" Zach was demanding. The last thing Olivia remembered about that afternoon was Natalia pulling her close, holding her as she cried, as the sound of his voice startled her; ripping her from the past.
"He's somewhere safe," Olivia answered, vaguely. "No thanks to you."
"What do you mean, 'somewhere safe'?" Zach sounded uncharacteristically anxious and confused. "You're not planning to keep him from me, are you?"
Her face was filled with incredulity. "This isn't about you!" she barked. "It's about your brother. I gave our son away to protect him from that sadistic bastard!"
"You did what? Why in hell didn't you go to my Father?" Zach harangued. He knew he had no right, given his decision to walk away; but the thought of his child being raised by someone else infuriated him.
Olivia's anger quickly escalated. "Oh, no!" she screamed, waving her finger in front of his face like a dagger. "You do not get to be angry, Alexander!" She spat his name from her mouth like a putrid piece of meat. "You're the one chose to run away."
"My name is Zach!" he roared, his own anger rising. He was glad they were on the beach, far away from the cottage—he would never want his little girls to hear him in such a rage. "Unless you really want me dead this time; and Lena and Bianca's daughters along with me."
Despite her anger, immediately, Olivia was drawn back to her earlier conversation with Lena. "Look, the bottom line is that Michael can never know Alex is alive, because Alexander and I are holding his 'death' over Michael's head to protect Jordan," Lena had explained.
"That worthless fucking son-of-a-bitch came after your daughter?" Olivia said through gritted teeth.
Lena nodded her head. "He threatened us, to keep me from testifying against him at his embezzlement trial. But what he didn't know was that I was working with Alexander to take control of Cambias Industries."
"Ahh… the corporate takeover you mentioned when we talked in February," Olivia recalled.
"Exactly," Lena confirmed. "I kept Bianca safe from him while she was pregnant, by sending her here to the Vineyard with Maggie." After the rape, Bianca had been unable to handle being with Lena—it was simply too emotional for her. As a result, Lena arranged for Bianca to have the cottage as a refuge—a place not only to heal, but also to shield her from Michael's overreaching grasp. At Lena's insistence, Maggie had accompanied Bianca as a source of support, and had remained there with her throughout the entire time. That, in and of itself, had been a miracle, given that Lena's relationship with Maggie had been contentious at best, prior to that time. But caring for Bianca during her recovery had become the foundation of a strong friendship between the two women—a friendship that they both cherished.
"Once he was in prison for her rape, I took over his company so he wouldn't have the financial means to go after Jordan," Lena explained. "And then I threatened him with prosecution for Alex's murder, if he ever came near any of us again."
"So that's why Alex still goes by an alias," Olivia surmised. She should have known he was protecting more than just himself. "Michael can't know Alex is alive, or Alex, Jordan, and the boys will be in danger."
"That about sums it up," Lena confirmed. "We didn't know he was alive when we used the information to threaten Michael," she expounded. "He showed up in Pine Valley nine months after Jordan was born, looking to make amends for what his brother had done."
Nodding, Olivia said, "That sounds like something he would do," she said, reflectively. She paused for a moment, taking a sip of her coffee. "What about Cambias Industries?" she asked, setting the mug back on the table.
"He never intends to claim his place as heir," Lena reported. "All of his holdings under the Slater name will be split between his children and Jordan," she explained, "but the Cambias Empire belongs solely to Jordan. She's the only one who can be documented as a Cambias heir, as long as Michael is alive."
Olivia's thoughts returned to the present; to the man standing in front of her. So much more of that conversation made sense now that she knew the extent of Zach's involvement in their lives. "You know I would never wish any harm on their children." Her tone softened at the mention of those two precious little girls.
"But you wouldn't really mind if I just disappeared again," he accused.
"I wanna hug you and strangle you in the same motion, if that tells you anything," she admitted, albeit angrily. "I can't believe you let me think you were dead for eighteen goddamn years!"
"You know why, Olivia," he said, coolly.
"And that's exactly why I didn't go to your father," Olivia barked. "If he couldn't protect you, then how the hell was he going to protect my son?"
"Our son," he corrected, icily.
"Damn you, you Bastard!" she cursed, her lower lip quivering, as she pounded her fist against his rock-hard chest. Tears burned behind her eyes, and she fought them; but she was no match for them in her weakened emotional state. "I wouldn't have had to give him away, if only you hadn't—" She hit his chest again for emphasis, as her legs gave out beneath her.
Instinctively, he grabbed her, steadying her, and then she was in his arms, crying. But she felt no comfort there. Not like she did with Natalia.
"I didn't know—" He made shushing noises as he held her. "I'm sorry, Olivia. I didn't know…"
"You never gave me a chance to tell you," she sobbed. "I was gonna tell you that night. And then you were dead!" Her words were swallowed up in gulps of air, just as all those years had been swallowed up by loss.
Even in the torrent of emotion, he couldn't help the slight smile that tipped the corners of his mouth. It was a bittersweet smile. If only. "I had a ring in my pocket, Olivia," he said, softly. "I was going to ask you to marry me that night…"
If only life could have been that simple. But then he realized that despite the loss of raising his eldest son, he wouldn't change a single thing about the life he had with Kendall. He loved her, desperately. He loved their boys, and he loved his little girls—Jordan wasn't his, of course, but he had made a promise to Lena and Bianca that he would be a father to her, and love her as much as he loved Alexandria. And love her, he did, maybe even more so.
Olivia pushed away from him, angrily. "And you think that makes it all better?" she barked. "All the rings in the world, all the best intentions, don't make up for the fact that I never even had a chance to hold my own son!" she screamed. The veins in her temples bulged, as hot tears poured over her cheeks, dripping down into the sand. "They took him from me the minute he was born, and I've never seen him again!"
"I'm sorry, Olivia," he gasped out. "I'm so sorry."
His words had never been more sincere, but she didn't care. They made up for nothing. "He's nearly a grown man now, and I never got to hold him." Her tone was icy, as she swiped at the tears. "Not like you got to hold Erick and Ian. You got to watch them crawl for the first time, watch them take their first steps; hear them say their first words. But I have nothing, Zach. Nothing but an empty place in my heart, where my son should have been. And I hate you for that," she spat, emphasizing the emotion. "I fucking hate you!"
The pain in her eyes, in her voice, was overwhelming to him, leaving him no choice but to face his responsibility. Devastated by the weight of his own choices, Zach sank down on the boulder, burying his face in his hands. "I don't blame you," was all he could say before his own tears began to fall.
Taking a sideways glance at Natalia, Bianca gently prodded, "What is it that concerns you about Olivia?"
Natalia studied the sidewalk again, as she weighed the question carefully. And then she sighed, almost resignedly. "Mind if I answer your question with a question?"
"I think you just did."
There was humor in Bianca's tone, and it made Natalia smile, despite her melancholy mood. "Touché."
Bianca laughed softly. "I think I just discovered the fundamental difference between you and Olivia," she asserted.
"What's that?"
Grinning, Bianca answered, "Olivia would've called me a smartass. Or worse…"
It was Natalia's turn to laugh then. "True," she conceded. "And then she would pay the swear jar." She glanced at Bianca with a slight grin on her lips. "Y'know, Emma told me she pays even when I don't catch her." She sounded amazed.
"I don't know how you did it, but somehow you've managed to tame the beast, Natalia," Bianca said, humorously. "I hope that fact isn't lost on you, because it's quite an accomplishment."
"So I've been told," Natalia chuckled.
After a shared moment of levity, Bianca sobered a bit, and said, "So, what did you want to ask?"
Natalia bit her bottom lip. "It's rather personal," she said in a cautionary tone.
"I'm an open book for you, Natalia—I'll answer as honestly as I can."
"Thank you for that," Natalia said, sincerely. She paused to think; taking in the warmth of Bianca's smile. "You said you were afraid of losing Lena when you got pregnant with Jordan." She paraphrased their previous conversation. "I just wondered how the two of you worked it out. I mean, how did you and Lena come to terms with it? And… how do you live with the constant reminder of what happened?"
"I was terrified of losing her," Bianca openly admitted. "I didn't think she would want to be with me anymore. Not because of the rape—she blamed herself for that, actually." Her tone said that even the notion of that made her heart ache. "But because I was carrying Michael's child. I was afraid she wouldn't want that constant reminder—not only of what he had done to me, but of what he had done to her."
Natalia gave a slight nod of recognition. "I have a similar fear," she confessed. "Not because Frank did anything wrong, of course, but because I did."
Bianca paused for a moment, considering all that Natalia had said in their various conversations. "What I'm hearing from our conversations are some strong messages about being able to accept this child—not because you don't want a child, but because the child is Frank's. Does that sound about right?" She was more than willing to share her story with Natalia, but at that moment, she felt it more pressing to address the situation directly.
"Yes—" Natalia nodded, ashamedly.
"Our situations are very different, Natalia." Bianca edged forward, cautiously.
"Oh, I know they are," Natalia quickly conceded. "And please don't think that I'm equating my situation with what you and Lena have been through, because I'm not. I just—honestly, I feel like what I'm dealing with is a cakewalk compared to what you and Lena have been through…"
Bianca raised a hand, "Whoa, wait a minute," she said, with a gentle firmness. "Don't do that, okay? Don't minimize your pain just because it's different than mine. Remember what I said about challenges?"
Natalia responded with a nod and a sheepish smile.
Bianca offered a reassuring smile. "I know you're not equating our situations," she said, as she gently squeezed Natalia's hand.
"I'm glad you understand," Natalia said, quietly.
"I do," Bianca assured. She paused for a moment, gathering her thoughts. "I think I would be better able to help you if I knew more about how you're feeling."
"What would you like to know?"
"Well, I think the most prudent question is: Are you more concerned about your ability to accept the child, or Olivia's?" It was a daring question, but it needed to be asked.
"I don't know," Natalia hedged.
"You don't know?" Bianca gently prodded. "Or you're afraid to say?"
Natalia laughed, but there was no humor in it. "I'm afraid to say," she answered, begrudgingly. Bianca was far more perceptive than Natalia realized.
"What do you think will happen if you answer honestly?"
The silence between them was dense, as Natalia weighed her response. "I just… I don't think God is very happy with me right now," she finally answered.
"Because?" Bianca's tone begged the question.
"Because I don't know how I'll feel about this baby, if it costs me Olivia." Natalia's tone was low, and soaked with shame.
"What makes you believe you'll lose her?"
"She says she's okay with having this baby," Natalia relayed, "but we haven't talked about it since the morning we found out, y'know? It's like she's avoiding the conversation, except when we're with you and Lena. Then she acts like she totally fine."
Bianca nodded, indicating that she heard what Natalia was saying, and was processing it. "Is it possible that she's trying to give you time to adjust?" she postulated. "You said this is really new for both of you, and she knows your feelings are conflicted."
"I suppose she could be," Natalia considered.
"But your concerns run far deeper, don't they," Bianca said, more statement than question.
Natalia nodded. "What if she can't handle the fact that Frank is a constant in our lives? He hasn't been very supportive of us since I told him I was in love with her," she reported. "In fact, he's been a real jerk towards her since then. She doesn't know it, but I've heard some of the nasty things he's said to her—and about her. What if she isn't willing to deal with a lifetime of being treated like that? She certainly deserves better, and I've told him so. But he just doesn't seem to get it. What if she changes her mind because of him? Or even worse, what if she can't handle the constant reminder of what I did?" she wondered aloud.
The pressure Natalia was under was so palpable that Bianca could actually feel the weight of it. There were so many ways to take the conversation that she just had to choose the one she thought was most pressing. "And what is it that you did, Natalia?"
"Isn't it obvious?" There was an uncharacteristic hint of sarcasm in Natalia's tone. "I ended up in Frank's bed, because I was terrified of the alternative, and what that would make me."
"What was the alternative, Natalia?" Bianca gently pressed. "What would it make you?" She knew the answers, but she also knew that acknowledging things out loud stripped them of their power.
"Olivia's bed." Natalia's voice was barely a whisper. "The alternative was Olivia's bed. I was terrified of admitting what I feel for her because I thought it would make me a lesbian, and that would send me to hell."
"But you don't feel that way now," Bianca inferred.
"No, I don't," Natalia said, forthrightly, as she met Bianca's gaze for the first time in several very long moments. And just as quickly, she dropped it again. "Now all I feel is guilt for having slept with Frank. And guilt over being unmarried and pregnant—again." She emphasized the part about her being a repeat offender. "And I know God doesn't expect me to be perfect. We talked about that the other night. I'm still working my way through that, just like I'm working through the guilt I feel for hurting Olivia."
"But she doesn't hold what happened with Frank against you, right?"
"No—," Natalia answered, shaking her head helplessly. "And I know it's completely irrational for me to feel guilty, when she says she understands why it happened. But she told me once that emotions have nothing to do with logic." She laughed at the irony—that conversation had been about Olivia's guilt over Gus. "I feel guilty, and there's nothing I can do to stop it."
Natalia's comment was followed by an understanding nod from Bianca. "Guilt is by far the strongest emotion we ever experience, Natalia," she said, wisely. "It's easy to feel and impossible to ignore. It clouds our judgment, and it makes us believe things that aren't true."
"You think my guilt is clouding my judgment, making me believe that Olivia won't be able to look past the mistake I made with Frank, and embrace this child as her own." Natalia's response was both statement and question.
Bianca shrugged, allowing Natalia to take ownership of what had just come out of her own mouth.
"Obviously, I can't speak for Olivia, but I can tell you what I see," Bianca offered, after giving Natalia time to sit with her own statement.
"And what is that?"
"I've never seen her happier, Natalia," Bianca answered, with warmth and appreciation in her tone. "And neither has Lena. We can't get over the difference in her, and it's all because of you."
"We make each other happy." Natalia's smile told Bianca just exactly how happy Olivia made her. "She's everything to me, Bianca, and all I want is to be with her."
"Then tell her that—and then make it happen," Bianca said, forthrightly.
Nodding, Natalia processed Bianca's comment. "I'm more accustomed to things happening to me, than making them happen for myself," she confessed.
"Then it's about time you become a mover and a shaker."
There was humor in Bianca's tone, and Natalia laughed in response. "I'll get to work on that."
"Know what I think?"
"What?"
"I think you're already well on your way," Bianca declared.
"What makes you say that?"
"Olivia doesn't act like a woman who's ready to bolt, Natalia," Bianca pointed out. "She acts like a woman who's in it for the long haul—and that's something Lena and I had never seen in her before you."
"So you really think she can overlook the past, and just love this baby." Natalia sounded hopeful, as she glanced down at her abdomen, pressing her palm firmly against it.
"Lena and I loved Jordan before she was even born," Bianca shared. "So, yes, I believe it's more than possible."
"But… how?" Natalia sounded as though she were in complete awe of the two of them. "I mean, really, Bianca, how did you and Lena do it?"
Bianca's smile was warm, genuine. "Sometimes God challenges us, and out of that challenge, comes an unexpected blessing… And sometimes, He blesses us, and then uses that blessing to challenge us to learn and grow," she declared. "Jordan was both blessing and challenge. And more importantly, she was completely innocent of the entire situation. We simply chose to love our daughter, accepting both the challenge and the blessing for what they were: Gifts from God. And we left the rest of it in the past, where it belongs."
Natalia stared at her in awe. "I'm just… you and Lena are the most amazing people." Her proclamation was delivered on a whisper.
"You and Olivia can make that choice, too, Natalia," Bianca said, gently. "I know it's complicated, and I'm sure you still have a lot weighing on your mind. And that's okay. It might not happen overnight," she cautioned. "But it will happen, if you focus on the blessings a child can bring, embrace the challenges as opportunities for growth, and leave the past in the past where it belongs."
Natalia offered a lighthearted smile. "Y'know, you're pretty good at this therapist thing," she commented.
Grinning, Bianca feigned arrogance, "So I've been told." And then she laughed. "But you know what I'm better at?"
"What?" Natalia found herself laughing at the playful lilt in Bianca's tone.
"Building sandcastles," Bianca declared. "Your girlfriend is so goin' down. She doesn't stand a chance at this one."
"Hmm… that's some kinda smack-talk you've got goin' on there, my friend," Natalia teased.
Bianca laughed. "Smack-talk?" She couldn't manage to stifle the surprise in her tone.
"What can I say?" Natalia shrugged. "I grew up on the South Side of Chicago."
Amused, Bianca casually draped an arm around Natalia's shoulder, giving it an affectionate squeeze. "Okay, South Side, what do ya say I buy you a cup of decaf, and we go check on our girls?"
Natalia grinned at the nickname. "The grown ones? Or the ones who actually know how to behave without supervision?"
"Exactly," Bianca chuckled.
Natalia just laughed.
Torn between anger and empathy, Olivia watched as Zach struggled to regain his composure. It had been the amalgam of intelligence and business prowess, and the underlying sense of vulnerability in Alex that had drawn her to him all those years ago. Her brief time with him since his arrival had shown her that despite complex circumstances and the passage of time, he was still that same man inside.
Stepping closer, she crouched down in front of him. Her small hands fell on his much larger ones, and a wistful smile teased at her lips, as she remembered how safe she always felt with her hand tucked into his. It had been comforting to her back then, to feel the protective touch of this strong but gentle man. But now she preferred the perfect fit of Natalia's hand, the way those long, lithe fingers meshed with her own. Now she found her comfort in Natalia's touch; and in the knowledge that they were equal partners in their relationship—a two-person team, as Natalia had once so aptly called them, despite her grappling for words. It was the first time in her life that Olivia had experienced that kind of relationship, where one-upmanship didn't exist, and there wasn't a constant battle for control. To her delighted surprise, she found that she preferred it that way.
"I don't blame you for hating me," Zach acknowledged again. He hated himself for the choices he had made, and even more so for what they had cost Olivia. "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed me."
"I don't really hate you, Zach," she said, quietly. "I just hate what circumstances stole from us, and from our son."
"Do you know where he is?" Zach asked, tentatively.
"I didn't. Not until Lena told me you were alive," Olivia answered honestly. "It just wasn't safe." She paused for a beat. "Not that it's any safer now," she mumbled, wryly. "But I knew I would have to tell you about him, and…"
"And I would ask where he was." Zach finished the thought for her. "You've always known me so well. Even when we first met, you understood things that no one else ever did," he recalled. "So you have to know that I never would've left the way I did, if I had known you were pregnant."
"So, it was okay to leave me," she snapped, crossing her arms in defense, "but your son would've been worth sticking around for. Is that what I'm hearing?"
"That's not what I meant, Olivia," he backpedaled. "I meant I would've found a way for us to be together, and still keep you both safe."
"Why wasn't it enough to find a way to be with me, and keep me safe?" she wondered aloud.
He could hear the pain in her voice; that sense of her wondering why she wasn't good enough. That had been one of the most difficult hurdles to overcome with her all those years ago—proving to her that she was truly worthy of being loved. He realized now that his choice to disappear had unraveled all the progress that she had made. The realization made him wonder how hard she had struggled with the issue in subsequent relationships, and whether or not it played a role in her relationship with Natalia. Not that it was any of his business, but he genuinely cared for her, always had, and he hoped that his choices hadn't been detrimental to her overall well-being. Somehow, though, he knew that they had been.
"I knew it was a mistake, leaving you, as soon as the decision had been made," he said, remorsefully. "And I wanted to come back for you. But it was already too late. Everyone thought I was dead, and it wouldn't have looked right if suddenly you disappeared, too. Michael's a dangerous man, Olivia. He's diabolical. But he's also smart, and he would've figured it out."
"And by the time he did, we could've been an ocean away—and I wouldn't have been forced to give my son away." There was anger and regret in her tone. The anger was about him; the regret, about her son. "You managed to hide just fine all these years."
"Because everyone thought I was dead!" Zach barked, emphasizing the death part.
He made his point, and her tone softened, as curiosity momentarily took control. "What made you come out of hiding?"
"Bianca—" Zach quietly admitted. "I heard about what he did to her, and I wanted to find a way to make it right."
"No one can make what he did right, Zach." Olivia's voice was distant, pained. "There's no undoing something like that once it's done. It stays with you forever."
With a few simple words she confirmed to him what he had suspected all those years ago—someone had hurt her, the way that Michael had hurt Bianca. Dark eyes, filled with compassion, locked on tumultuous pools of jade, and reaching out, his fingertips touched her chin, as his thumb gently caressed her cheek.
His touch brought back distant memories, so familiar, yet different; and still so far away. Closing her eyes, she leaned into it for one brief moment, and then she pulled away. It was Natalia's gentle, reassuring touch that she wanted and needed now, not his. She ached to feel it right then.
Standing, she turned from him, leaving marks in the sand as she moved toward the water's edge. Peering down, she watched as the waves broke, and tendrils of cool liquid reached out like fingertips emerging from the ocean, tickling her toes.
Zach moved from the rock, quietly approaching her. He stopped near enough to see her face clearly, but far enough away to be respectful of her space. Shoving his hands into his pockets, he released a pensive grunt. "Will there ever be a way for me to make things right with you?"
"Can you give me back the years I lost with my son?" Her tone was sarcastic, biting.
"You know that I can't," he answered, regretfully.
"Then I think you've answered your own question," she replied. She sounded resigned. "Nothing can make it right. We just have to find a way to move forward."
"How do we make that happen?" His question was sincere. "I'll do anything."
Minutes ticked by, as her eyes scanned the horizon, as if she were hoping to find the words emblazoned in the sky. "Promise me you won't interfere with his life," she finally said. "Promise that you won't take away his sense of stability. He has a wonderful family, and they love him very much. I don't want him to lose that."
"How do you know what kind of life he's lived?" He was curious.
"Money talks, Zach," she answered, almost drolly. "Private detectives can work miracles if you give them the right budget."
"Tell me everything you know about him, please, Olivia?" Zach implored. He felt an aching need to know about his eldest son.
"First, you have to promise me you won't interfere," Olivia insisted.
"But don't you want to be part of his life?" he asked, gently.
"Of course I want that, Zach! I want that more than anything," Olivia answered, icily. She crossed her arms again, setting him on his guard. "But you took that chance away from me, didn't you?"
Dropping his head, he nodded guiltily.
"Reneging on my decision now would be pure selfishness. And I'm not that person anymore. Not since Natalia," she said, quietly.
"You've never been that person," Zach gently contended.
Olivia barked out a caustic laugh. "You have no fucking clue what I turned into after you left me," she spat. She felt as though she were on a rollercoaster, her emotions shifting from anger to empathy and back again, as quickly as the steep inclines and drop-offs of the track.
Startled by her outburst, Zach flinched. He had to agree that he had never seen her act or sound the way she had during certain moments in this conversation. She had never been cold or harsh, only occasionally distant. Now she was a study in contrasts. "You're right. I don't," he agreed, ruefully. "And I'm sorry, Olivia, so sorry for the damage that I've caused. It's clear that I've caused a great deal."
"Now that's what I'd call the understatement of the century, Mr. Slater," Olivia said, sardonically. "Don't you get it?" she snapped. "Everything changed when you… died!" The part about death was drenched in acrimony. "I moved on with my life, got over you," she said, pointedly, "but I was never the same, because I never got over losing my son."
His expression turned to anger then. "You didn't lose him, Olivia, you gave him away," he accused.
"Fuck you, Alex!" Olivia snarled. "I gave him up to protect him, while you just ran away like a coward."
"What is it that what you want from me, Olivia?" he snapped. "I'm not going to keep apologizing over and over. I fucked up. I know it. And I'm sorry. I can't change what I did, and as much as I'd like to, I can't change the consequences of my choices. But I acted out of love for you. Doesn't that mean anything?"
"What you just loved me so damned much that you had to leave me?" Olivia's brow furrowed, and the pitch of her voice rose, rife with sarcasm. "Is that what I'm hearing?"
"The accident that 'killed' me was a warning, Olivia," Zach informed; his anger waning. "There was a cryptic message to my father—a blatant threat against you—in the fireproof box in the car. It wasn't signed, of course, but I knew who it was from because my father, Michael, and I were the only ones who knew the combination to that box."
"Why would he threaten me?" Olivia sounded baffled. She couldn't fathom why she would have been a threat to Michael Cambias.
"Because he saw the ring, Olivia. He knew I was planning to propose, and a marriage meant the possibility of children," Zach answered, quietly. "In his twisted mind, that was a threat against his inheritance. I knew what he'd done to Lena when he found out she was pregnant, so I had no doubt he would do the same, if not worse, to you. I couldn't risk coming back. With me out of the way, you were safe from him."
"Oh, my God," Olivia gasped. Instinctively, her hand covered her mouth. "It's almost like he knew…" She felt an intense weight settle on her chest.
"You know he didn't," Zach said, decidedly. "If he had, you never would've succeeded in hiding our son. You would both be dead."
She knew it was a fact. That forceful weight pressing down more intensely, her heart began an erratic pounding, and her breathing turned to rapid panting, as her body temperature spiked, and she began to sweat profusely. And clutching at her chest, she sank to her knees in the sand.
TBC…