Title: Confessions Lead to Strange Bedfellows
Author: Kimberly21570
Fandoms: Guiding Light / All My Children
Pairings: Olivia and Natalia / Lena and Bianca
Disclaimer: The characters of Olivia Spencer, Natalia and Rafe Rivera, Frank Cooper, and Father Ray Santos are owned by CBS/TeleNext and Proctor & Gamble. The characters of Lena Kundera and Bianca Montgomery are owned by All My Children, ABC/Disney and Prospect Park.
No copyright infringement intended with regard to Guiding Light, CBS/TeleNext, Proctor & Gamble, AMC, ABC/Disney, Prospect Park or any other entity. Dialogue, settings, and story content in these scenes are original, with the exception of a portion of dialogue from the Guiding Light New Year's Eve episode that aired on 12.30.2008. Written for fun, not profit. All other standard disclaimers apply.
Rating: Chapter 9.14 is rated PG.
I hope you're all having a joyous Holiday Season, surrounded by loved ones.
This update takes Natalia on an emotional and spiritual journey, as she searches for absolution. Something that is very in tune with her character. Much of what she has been experiencing has led her to this place, and my sincere hope is that you all find that I have done her justice…
Regards—
Kimberly
Confessions Lead to Strange Bedfellows
Copyright May, 2009
"Honor isn't about making the right choices. It's about dealing with the consequences."
Anonymous
"Wisdom consists of the anticipation of consequences."
Norman Cousins
Chapter 9.14 – When Past and Present Collide:
Wednesday, April 29, 2009… Martha's Vineyard—10:30 a.m. Eastern Daylight Time
As the animated chatter regarding their business plan finally waned, Olivia took note of the distant, almost pained expression in Natalia's eyes. Having no knowledge as to the content of Natalia's recent conversation with Bianca, Olivia immediately assumed that Natalia was upset about the decision to partner with Lena in business. Silently, she chastised herself for not having spoken with Natalia before making such a life-altering decision. Business or not, it would affect Natalia as well, and thus, she should have had a say in the decision. Next time, Olivia vowed, she wouldn't make the same mistake.
Discreetly, she coaxed Natalia into the family room. Once out of others' earshot, Olivia turned to her, offering an apologetic smile. Gently, she brushed her hands down the length of Natalia's arms, lightly grasping her hands.
The sensation of Olivia's fingertips on her skin made Natalia tingle all over; but it didn't stop the warring in her soul. Though her conversation with Bianca had on a light note, Lena's story had rocked her to her core, and she was fighting hard not to show it.
"Are you all right, Sweetheart?" Olivia's voice was soft and filled with concern. "I'm sorry if I caught you off-guard with this plan," she said, apologetically. "I should have spoken with you first. I'm just not used to—"
"Olivia, no—," Natalia was quick to respond. Gently, she squeezed the hands that held her own. "This has nothing to do with your business decision," she said, shaking her head. "The Beacon is your territory, and I—"
"Then what is it about?" Olivia gingerly interrupted. Now she was even more concerned. She would deal with Natalia's erroneous assertion about the Beacon another time.
Tears welling up in her eyes, Natalia's thoughts scattered like a box full of dropped needles, landing in a mass of confusion and sharp edges that jabbed at her soul. The conversations with Olivia, and Jen and Tracy, the evening prior had left her pondering her faith, or more to the point, the lack thereof; not to mention her lingering inability to find inner peace.
Even that soul-baring prayer had failed to provide any sustainable relief, and exhausted, both physically and emotionally, she had fallen into a fitful sleep that garnered her no real respite. The only relief she had felt was that which came from knowing she was safe in Olivia's arms. And even that lasted only until the sunlight poked obtrusively through the blinds, wrenching her back to her own torturous guilt. At least she had still been in Olivia's arms.
Her mood had begun to brighten, as she slowly kissed Olivia awake with a trail of warm, wet kisses along the edge of a collarbone, up the graceful slope of her neck, across a flushed cheek, before claiming those soft, pouty lips.
The hotelier had not even groused in her usual morning way; but rather, she smiled against Natalia's mouth, effortlessly deepening the kiss. And their morning had only improved from there, as they lay together in their bed, talking quietly between kisses, about the plans Olivia had suggested for the farmhouse. They had lingered there together until it was time for Olivia to head out with Lena for their morning run.
With a light kiss to the corner of Natalia's mouth, Olivia left her in their bed, feeling infinitely better than she had when she first awakened.
But then, after breakfast, came the conversation with Bianca, and though it had ended in light banter, still Natalia felt as though she had be pushed over the edge. These women had been subjected to such unfathomable circumstances, and yet there wasn't an ounce of bitterness in either one of them. And now she felt infinitely more guilty about her reaction to the child she was carrying, because she had taken for granted something that they had both suffered to attain.
She briefly shared her troubles with Olivia, who responded with an understanding nod, as she pulled her close, and held her. She knew Lena and Bianca's story intimately, and she didn't need Natalia to explain the heaviness in her heart.
And Natalia pressed her body firmly against Olivia's, seeking the solid reassurance of her presence.
Finally, gently taking Natalia's face in her hands, Olivia pressed a light kiss to her lips, before bringing their foreheads to rest together in that familiar way of theirs. "I know you said I'm not intruding, but I really think you need some time alone to think and pray," she quietly asserted. "Why don't you go for a walk on the beach?" she suggested. "Take off your shoes, and just feel the warmth of the sand between your toes." The light cadence of Olivia's voice made her suggestion sound appealing. "It might help you clear your mind, regain some focus. It always worked for me when something was bothering me."
After a moment's pause, nodding, Natalia agreed that it was a good idea.
Lightly, Olivia's fingers trickled through the ends of raven tresses, as she gazed into those soulful mahogany eyes, veiled in a cloud of weariness. "Sweetheart, everything's gonna be okay," she quietly reassured.
Natalia offered a tentative smile in return. "Somehow, when you say it, I actually believe it's true. I'm just not quite there yet."
The corners of Olivia's mouth twisted upward. "You will be. I promise." She sealed that promise with another light kiss.
Wrapping her arms around Olivia's neck, Natalia hugged her tight. "I love you," she said, pecking Olivia's cheek, as she released her from the embrace.
"I love you," Olivia responded in kind.
The grin on Olivia's face told Natalia she was amused. She kissed Olivia again. "I'll be back soon."
Taking Natalia's hand into her own, Olivia intertwined their fingers against her chest. "I'll miss you while you're gone," she whispered, as lips brushed against fingertips.
The haziness in Natalia's eyes gave way to sparkles when she smiled. "You make me not wanna leave when say such sweet things to me."
"Incentive for you to hurry back to me," Olivia claimed. "Now go," she playfully ordered. "Remember to take your phone—call if you need me."
"I will," Natalia smiled. She pressed one more light kiss to those soft lips, and then retrieving her phone from where she left it after locating it that morning, she was off.
When Natalia headed out for her walk, Olivia took the opportunity to call Grayson McAlister's office in Chicago; making good on her promise to Jen and Tracy. Cutting through the niceties, she breezed through his receptionist, past his office administrator, going directly to his paralegal; only to be informed that he was out of the office, and unreachable even via cell phone, for the duration of the week. Much to her chagrin, no amount of cajoling obtained her any information beyond the fact that he was vacationing in an undisclosed location for spring break with his wife and children. Fortunately for her, the woman knew who she was, and that she was a personal friend, or she wouldn't have obtained even that much information.
Her base compulsion was to enter a tirade, to get what she wanted. But then she heard Natalia's voice in her head, something about catching flies with honey, and the compulsion waned.
Cursing under her breath, she checked herself, and politely asked the woman to leave him an urgent message to contact her upon his return. The only satisfaction she derived from the conversation was the knowledge that Natalia would be proud of her for not losing her temper. That put a contented smile on her face, as she called Jen's cell to give her an update.
Leaving the cottage, Natalia slipped off her shoes, draping the straps over her middle and index finger. Purposefully, she sank her toes deep into the sand where she stepped off the deck. Though still a bit foreign to her, it felt warm and soothing, and immediately, she felt a smile forming at the corners of her mouth. The feel of the sand between her toes certainly wouldn't solve any of her problems, but it would give her something to focus on, until she was ready to face truth.
Setting out, she followed the increasingly familiar coastline as it meandered southward toward the cliffs at Aquinnah. As she walked along, skillfully dodging the waves as they broke against the shore, she smiled to herself, thinking about Olivia, and how relaxed and playful she had been since their arrival at the beach. She loved that part of Olivia—sweet, tender, playful. Then again, she loved every part of Olivia—even the parts that made her crazy. Sometimes, she thought, she loved those parts even more.
Everything about Olivia Spencer attracted Natalia, both emotionally and physically, in a way that no one else ever had. The woman was intelligent, articulate, beautiful, and though Natalia was loath to admit it, she was also funny as hell—not to mention sexy, alluring beyond words. Simply stated, everything about the woman turned Natalia on—the way she negotiated a business deal, the way she walked, the way she smelled, the husky pitch of her voice when she whispered against Natalia's ear, that sexy smile, those smoky jade eyes, how alluring she looked, regardless of what she was wearing… The woman could make a well-fitting pair of old jeans look just as sexy as a low-cut dress; and the things she could do to a pair of shorts and an old t-shirt were practically criminal. And don't even talk about what she could do to skimpy lace and silk. She was the entire package, and she belonged wholly to Natalia; a fact that caused Natalia's breath to catch, every time she paused to even contemplate it.
Releasing a low groan, Natalia blushed as she realized where her thoughts had taken her. Every inch of her body tingled from nothing more than thinking about Olivia. For the first time in her life, she understood what it felt like to lust after another human being. To her delighted surprise, with all the things she felt guilty about, that was not one of them. Rather than feeling guilty about wanting Olivia the way she did, she felt validated. She knew as much as she wanted Olivia, she loved her even more, and to her, that made her desire acceptable in God's eyes—especially since she knew in her heart that their love was God's design.
What she questioned were the things that didn't seem to fit into that design—a baby created with a man she didn't love, and a son who refused to speak with her simply because he disapproved of the woman she did love. Where was God in all of this? And when would He show himself to her again?
Noticing a lone seagull perched on a nearby stump, she paused to study it. It preened itself, and then let out a screeching cry, as if calling out to the flock that swooped to skim the rolling waves, in search of their next meal. The return call came, and the gull took flight, gliding effortlessly through the rifts of air that swirled above the sea. Wild and free.
Wild and free, Natalia silently mused, as she watched the seagull fly. It wasn't lost on her, how perfectly those words described the way Olivia made her feel inside. Never in her life had she felt so liberated, lived so freely, loved with such wild abandon. She felt so young and invincible in Olivia's arms. If only they could make the world go away…
Dropping her sandals onto the beach, she sank down onto a nearby rock, folding her hands in her lap. Staring out over the water, her focus fell to the foamy white caps of the waves as they rolled toward her. She was far enough from the shore that they didn't reach her, but she remembered what Olivia had said about the tides, and knew that only a few brief hours prior, the rock had most likely been swallowed up by a torrent of water.
And now, it stood proudly on the beach, gleaming in the sunlight, beckoning to her. She wondered if the changing tides weren't some sort of metaphor God had created for life. If they were, were they meant as a warning: any sense of security was fleeting, so be on your guard at all times? Or were they meant as a promise: troubles may come, but they wash away again with the tide, and then hope springs new?
Throughout her life, she had endeavored to project a positive attitude; an attitude of faith. But she had realized the previous New Year's Eve, when Olivia argued with her about taking that shift at Towers, that sometimes she tended to anticipate the worst, rather than believing for the best. The tone of Olivia's voice, the expression in her eyes, were still clear as day to Natalia, as their conversation resounded in her mind.
"Natalia, what are you doing?" Olivia sounded both concerned and disappointed as she followed Natalia into the farmhouse kitchen.
"The heating bill is gonna be really high this month, and I can always use the extra money for gas," Natalia posited; explaining why she had agreed to take the New Year's Eve shift at a restaurant that had recently fired her.
Before she even stopped speaking, Olivia was saying, "Natalia, for once in your life you have enough money. I pay you enough rent, and Rafe's attorney fees are covered. Why don't you just relax for one night?"
It was neither question nor suggestion, but more of a plea from Olivia; and the depth of her concern reflected in the shadowy haze of those soft jade eyes. As Natalia reflected upon Olivia's countenance four months later, she couldn't deny the sense of longing, shrouded within.
"No!" Natalia refused. "Because the second you relax, something goes wrong. You drop your guard a little bit because you think everything's okay, and that's when a bill comes in that you can't afford, or you get sick, or the house needs repairs…" She ticked off the list of possible calamities; smacking her hand against her right thigh for emphasis as she finished.
Olivia cut in, saying, "Or… your husband is killed in a motorcycle accident, and your son goes to jail, and…"
The tone of Olivia's voice, the expression in her eyes were ones of genuine empathy wrapped in love, and Natalia looked as though she was about to cry. She sighed softly, averting Olivia's gaze. "I have to go," she murmured with sad resolution.
"We've had a hard year; both of us, okay? And it's no wonder that you think that way," Olivia said, gently.
God, Olivia's tone was filled with such tender emotion that it actually made Natalia nervous. She had to make it stop, lest she be forced to face the feelings she had so-long denied. "Why don't you?" she deflected.
"Because I know it's a terrible way to live, just sitting around and waiting for something bad to happen, instead of letting yourself be happy." Olivia's response was just as straightforward. "You know, for someone with such strong faith, you have so little in yourself," she had asserted, not out of judgment, but out of concern.
Olivia had been so right—it was a terrible way to live. And that night, thanks to Olivia's firm but gentle honesty, Natalia made a decision not to live that way anymore. And yet, she had been doing the same thing again, as she worried about what Frank might do, how he might react. Thanks to Olivia's reassurances when they talked the night previous, Natalia had made a vow to her not to worry about Frank's reaction. But that was proving easier said, than done; especially in light of the news they had received from Jen and Tracy not long after. As she stood from the rock, she still wasn't certain whether the metaphor of the tides was meant as a promise… or a warning.
Retrieving her shoes, onward, she walked, and without her even realizing it, her mind began mulling over the deeper things; the things that were holding her back the most. Was it the intensity of her love for Olivia that had her feeling so guilty? Not that she loved her, of course—that battle had already been conquered. But that she loved Olivia so much that she actually felt resentment toward the child she was carrying, because it might cost her that love. She was grateful to know that wouldn't be the case, but still, she felt guilty for ever lending voice to such shameful feelings.
The newly-acquired information about Lena and Bianca and the traumas they both suffered, was certainly adding fuel to an already raging inferno of guilt and shame. How wrong was it of her to be bemoaning the creation of a child, knowing what these women had survived? It made her heart ache just pondering it.
And then there was the truth she couldn't even bring herself to acknowledge: She loved Olivia more than she loved God, and she feared that she would have forsaken her faith to be with her, had she not found a way to reconcile the two in her heart.
Ignoring the truth that was tugging at her, she continued walking southward, allowing the steady din of the waves to drown out her thoughts for a few solitary moments. Until suddenly, an inexplicable force snapped her back to reality, and she felt it drawing her further inland. The only force stronger than the one that was currently pulling at her had been the centripetal force that was Olivia Spencer—the force that drew her in, and centered her. Instinctively, she knew there was no use in fighting it. Instead, surrendering to it, she slipped into her shoes and followed as it led her over the dunes, beyond the beach and onto a gravel road, moving westward toward the center of the island.
She didn't know how long or how far she walked; her feet seemed to propel her forward without conscious effort. But finally, emerging from a grove of trees, she found herself in a clearing. The field reminded her of the farm; prairie grass with wildflowers blowing in the light breeze that wafted in off the waters of Vineyard Sound. She found it a bit odd that flowers would be blooming so early in the season, but she didn't question it. Lena had said they were experiencing a rather early spring that year. A transient thought crossed her mind, causing her to wonder how often in life an early arrival meant an early departure. Not certain exactly what the thought meant, she hoped that wouldn't mean an early winter.
Casting a glance across the clearing toward the horizon, she noted the vast expanse of crystal clear blue skies. The sky was a deeper shade of blue here than it was near the ocean, and it made her wonder what the sunset would be like from this vantage point. And then her eyes fell to an image in the distance—a tall structure rising from beyond the horizon. Again, she felt that force, this time pulling her toward it.
At the far edge of the clearing, the source of the edifice that had caught her attention came into clear view. It was a beautiful stone church, with a bell tower that looked as though it should be attached to a medieval castle. The courtyard was encased in large stones that looked as though they had been hand-chiseled, they fit together so perfectly; and the color of the grass was so deep, so lush that it might well have been rolled out like a carpet. Natalia had never seen a shade of green like that before. With colors so vibrant between the earth and sky, she wondered if she had stumbled upon a little glimpse of heaven.
At the base of the bell tower were stone steps, worn and cracked with age. Her line of sight followed up those antiquated steps to a set of heavy wooden doors. The doors were painted in a deep redwood, and together they formed an ogival arch, pointy at the top—a classic characteristic of gothic architecture. The windows in the bell tower repeated the ogival arches high above the original, and there were clocks on each of the four sides. It reminded her of pictures Olivia had shown her of that tower in London. What was it Olivia had called it? Oh, yeah, she remembered with a faint smile, it was called Big Ben...
Natalia couldn't stifle the smile that percolated on her lips. She knew why she was there—sometimes God was more subtle than others, she thought, wryly. Slowly, but with measured purpose, she ascended the stairs, and stepped inside.
The sanctuary was comparable in size to her church in Springfield, yet it felt far more intimate. And despite its' small stature, in some ways it also felt huge, powerful; like it held a connection with something much larger than itself. Glancing around, she surveyed the sanctuary, taking in every facet, every nuance. The stained glass windows reached toward the high wooden beams in the ceiling, peaking in those familiar ogival arches, and the scenes depicted in the glass were a breathtaking sight to behold. They reminded her of the famous Cathedrals in places like Paris and Rome; places she had only ever seen in picture books.
And then there was the music that filled the room, suffusing it with such warmth and excitement. It certainly wasn't the kind of music she was accustomed to hearing in a church. It reminded her more of a rock concert, only the songs were about God—almost like the Amy Grant concert Nicky had taken her to see when they were teenagers. How ironic, she thought, given her reason for being in this place, that she be reminded of the night Rafe was conceived. She tossed that wry thought aside, and focused on the music—it sounded like a million voices, joined together as one. It made her feel like dancing, despite her melancholy.
The unusual music sent her in search of the familiar, as her eyes fell to the pews. There were Bibles in the racks, but no hymnals. And when her attention was drawn back toward the altar, she found no evidence of any antiquated organ pipes. Rather, there were electric keyboards, and guitars, and a set of drums. Clearly, this place was very different. She found herself curious, almost excited.
Along the front edge of the altar, candles flickered within crimson glass, causing shadows to dance. She felt that force again, drawing her forward. As she surrendered to it, moving toward the altar, her focus was drawn toward the stained glass that illuminated it from behind—and the image of The Cross emblazoned within. It was beyond breathtaking, with beams of light splaying from its core, and the power of it threatened to bring her to her knees.
Pausing midway down the center aisle, Natalia ran her hands along the smooth surface of a nearby pew; an effort to keep herself upright. It was almost as though she could feel the rich heritage of faith; the legacy left by worshippers who had come before her. It bolstered her, giving her strength to move forward. And then she was there, kneeling at the altar, and her prayers began without even a moment of forethought, as she clutched the beads of her rosary in her hands.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009… The Cottage—11:00 a.m. Eastern Daylight Time
"Where's Natalia?" Bianca's tone held curiosity when Olivia returned to the cottage without the other woman in tow.
Releasing a heavy sigh, Olivia sank into the chair at the kitchen table. "I sent her for a walk," she answered, looking every bit the worried partner. "She needed some time alone, to clear her head."
Passing closely on her way to the pantry, Bianca brushed a supportive hand across Olivia's upper back. No words were necessary.
The subtle touch felt comforting, and Olivia's taut muscles momentarily relaxed. Offering a wan smile, she picked at the tablecloth.
Bianca regarded her with knowing eyes. "Care to work some of your culinary magic for us this evening?" she suggested, by way of distraction. "I won't tell Natalia, if you don't." Her eyebrow was arched, her tone light, teasing.
The comment drew a slight flush and a soft chuckle from Olivia. "Lena told you about that, huh?"
Grinning, Bianca nodded. "She couldn't stop laughing. And neither could I."
"Mock me if you must," Olivia sighed, feigning resignation. "But I have two words for you…"
"Oh, yeah?" Bianca bantered in return. "And what are they?"
"Hotel purchase."
The corners of Bianca's mouth curled into a roguish grin. "Trust me, it was worth every penny."
Judging by the endless noises of pleasure that emanated from the bedroom across the hall, morning and night, Olivia wasn't the least bit surprised. "So I've heard," she said, dryly.
The play on words not lost on her, Bianca simply smirked. "If I didn't know any better, I'd swear you were jealous."
Though the accusation was teasing, muscles tensed beneath the weight of truth. "If you swear, you'll have to pay the jar," Olivia warned; an attempt at deflection.
"I think I can afford it," Bianca countered with a grin. "Besides, it'll give us more cash for that trip to Europe."
Relaxing, Olivia smiled at the comment.
Bianca noted the rapid shifting of Olivia's demeanor, and took the opportunity to steer the subject back to dinner. "So… what's on the menu, Chef Spencer? Something of the French persuasion, perhaps?" she posed, adopting her best French accent. And then she slid into an Italian inflection. "Or maybe a little something to remind us of Old Italia?"
Olivia grinned at Bianca's playfulness, and then pursed her lips, contemplating. "What do we have by way of ingredients?"
Immediately, Bianca was on her feet, searching. She and Lena had both developed their culinary skills over the years, but nothing compared to a meal prepared by Olivia Spencer. Regardless of what the chef-turned-hotelier elected to create, Bianca knew it would be beyond fabulous. The woman was a genius in the kitchen, and she was salivating just thinking about it.
Pursed lips morphed into a satisfied smirk. Olivia could create a mouthwatering feast out of seawater and kelp if need be, and she damned well knew it. But watching Bianca scramble for the perfect ingredients was far too entertaining. Leaning back in her chair, she crossed her arms, settling in for the show.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009… The Stone Church—11:45 a.m. Eastern Daylight Time
"Well, you're a new face around here…" an unfamiliar voice echoed through the rafters of the provincial little stone church; startling Natalia as she finished the Sign of the Cross after her prayers. She hadn't a clue how long she had been there; only that she finally felt as though she had found the place she needed to be.
Natalia looked up. The usual clarity of her mahogany eyes misted over with tears, as they met with pools of pale blue. The eyes that gazed back into her own were almost the color of a well-worn pair of faded blue jeans, and filled with a gentleness that spoke of a compassionate spirit, cultivated through personal affliction. She surveyed the owner of those eyes—a lightly-tanned woman, approximately Olivia's height, with a stylishly kept head of short, wavy blonde hair, who appeared to be in her mid-fifties. The blonde wore a crisply starched, long-sleeved white shirt with three inch cuffs, an equally-well-pressed pair of khakis, and a pair of suede ankle boots; russet in color. Natalia smiled to herself, thinking that, aside from the blonde hair, the woman bore a slight resemblance to Olivia, both in features and style of dress.
"Welcome…" the woman greeted with an amiable smile; extending a hand toward the newcomer. "I'm Reverend Amanda Weston."
Given her Catholic upbringing, Natalia was more than a bit taken aback by the minister's attire; not to mention the fact that she was a woman. But she quickly rallied, and responded to the warm welcome the Holy woman had extended to her. "Natalia Rivera, she greeted; rising to her feet; "and yes… I am new… Just visiting friends here on the Vineyard," she explained; offering the minister a shy smile, as she accepted the proffered hand. "I hope I'm not intruding," she said, quietly. "I'm Catholic, not Protestant, but... when I saw the church…" she attempted to explain; clutching her rosary to her chest.
Reverend Weston smiled softly. "All who seek God are welcome here," she said, reassuringly.
"I have to wonder… if you really knew me, whether that 'all', would still include me…" Natalia uttered quietly; her face stricken with guilt and shame.
The minister studied her carefully; assessing her body language, the changing expressions on her face, and the mixture of sadness and confusion in her dark eyes. "You have much weighing on your heart…" she quietly surmised. Denim eyes filled with empathy as she watched the younger woman.
Natalia's eyes shifted down toward the rosary she still clutched in her hands. Effectively avoiding the minister's gently probing gaze, she silently nodded her head.
Reaching out, the minister tenderly touched Natalia's hand. "My afternoon is open… Perhaps you might like to sit with me for a while?" she posed; extending an unspoken invitation to talk if Natalia so desired.
"I'd like that a lot," Natalia admitted; cautiously meeting those kind denim eyes with the conflicted darkness of her own. "Thank you."
The Reverend's response was a simple nod.
They sat in companionable silence for quite a while; Natalia lost in a sea of conflicting thoughts and emotions. Then, finally, she sighed heavily, issued forth a silent prayer for strength, and began. "Which do you think is worse in God's eyes: being pregnant out of wedlock, for the second time—this time with the child of a man you don't even love; or… resenting the child because it might cost you the person you do love—a person who just happens to be my closest friend, and… a woman?" she quietly posed; nervously twisting the beads of her rosary around her fingers.
Without a moment's hesitation, the minister reached out again, gently patting Natalia's hand to ease her nervousness. "It's no wonder your heart is so heavy," she quietly empathized.
Natalia gave a somber nod. "The thing is… my heart wasn't heavy at all anymore, when it came to loving Olivia—Not until I learned I was pregnant," she explained. "I fought my feelings for her; prayed for nearly a year, that God would take them away. And when He didn't, I finally came to a place where I was able to accept my love for her for what I believe it to be—a gift from Him. And then, I found out I was pregnant…"
"What was it about the pregnancy that altered your feelings for her?" Reverend Weston asked.
"I'm sorry, Reverend, that came out wrong," Natalia apologized. "My feelings for her haven't changed. They never could," she quickly clarified. "What I questioned was God's purpose, His plan."
"How so?"
"When I first realized I was pregnant, there was a moment when I wondered if it was God's way of punishing me for loving her, and choosing her over the baby's father—of showing me I should have accepted his marriage proposal," Natalia divulged.
"Do you really believe you should have married him?"
"No—," Natalia immediately answered. "I don't love him. I never did, and I never will. My heart belongs to Olivia, and something inside me tells me it always has."
"You sound quite certain of that."
"I've never been more certain of anything in my life," Natalia declared. The clarity in those dark eyes in that moment spoke volumes.
"Then I think you may have answered your own question," the minister pointed out.
"Honestly, Reverend, I think I answered it before it was even asked." Natalia shook her head at the irony. "And like I said, it was a fleeting thought."
"But that didn't stop you from asking," the minister astutely pointed out.
"No, it didn't," Natalia conceded, "and it made me wonder why."
"Any thoughts on that?" the minister asked.
"Fear of losing Olivia," Natalia answered honestly. It had taken her some time to really label the source of her momentary doubts, but now she was certain.
"Is she upset about the baby?"
"Oh, no… Olivia is really excited about the baby," Natalia quickly clarified. "It's just… at first I was scared she wouldn't want a child that belonged to him," she shared.
"But you're not scared now?" Reverend Weston sought clarification.
"No—," Natalia answered forthrightly. "When she told me it didn't matter to her how this baby came into our lives, I felt so much more secure in our relationship, but…"
Stalling, she bit her bottom lip.
"But what, Natalia?"
"But… even knowing how Olivia feels about the baby couldn't stop me from feeling so… ashamed."
"Ashamed of what, exactly?" the Reverend asked, gently. It was better for Natalia to lend voice to her feelings.
"I feel ashamed of so many things, Reverend. Of resenting my own child, of feeling sorry for myself over something I caused, while others have suffered innocently," Natalia confessed; her thoughts never far from Olivia, Lena, and Bianca. "And, of course, of being pregnant out of wedlock—again. I feel more ashamed now than I did the first time," she said in self-recrimination. She lingered in thought for several moments. "I mean… with my son, Rafe, I disobeyed God's commandments out of youthful foolishness, but this time I have no excuse. I knew better, and I did it anyway."
"Guilt and shame are powerful emotions, Natalia. They overwhelm us to the point where we can't ignore them, and they cloud our ability to think rationally," the minister said, gently.
Natalia released a soft laugh. "My friend Bianca basically said the same thing to me yesterday."
The corners of Reverend Weston's mouth curled into a soft smile at mention of that familiar name. She felt infinitely better knowing that Natalia was in such caring hands. "Bianca is a very wise woman," she granted. Pausing for a moment, she collected her thoughts. "The thing about guilt and shame is that, while they're interrelated, they're vastly different. You see, in our subconscious mind, guilt says, 'I've done something bad,' while shame says, 'I am bad;' and sometimes it really difficult to separate those two feelings in our heart."
"Yes, it is," Natalia quietly agreed.
Reverend Weston reached over, gently touching Natalia's arm. "Good people make poor choices sometimes, Natalia. But we don't have to allow our choices to define us. And that goes for you, as well. You're not a bad person just because you made a poor choice."
"How can you believe that, Reverend?" Natalia's emotions were palpable. "I broke the promise I made to God when Rafe was born, because I was confused about the feelings I was having for Olivia. And worse than that, I felt resentment toward my own child simply because it exists. What kind of Mother does that?"
The Reverend's gentle eyes swept over Natalia, as empathy flowed from her lips. "You're feeling incredibly overwhelmed right not, Natalia, and that can lead to desperate thoughts. Please hear me when I tell you you're not a bad person for feeling overwhelmed. You're simply human, and God doesn't judge you for that."
Natalia sniffed back tears, as she nodded.
"You've prayed and asked for forgiveness, I assume," the minister said, by way of clarification.
"Yes—," Natalia quietly confirmed. "I've prayed over and over again, begging for forgiveness, but I still don't feel as though I've received it."
"Why do you think that is?"
Drawing in a deep breath, Natalia exhaled a quiet confession. "Because I don't feel as though I deserve God's forgiveness a second time; especially given the way I felt when I first learned about this baby." Without conscious thought, nervous fingers worried the beads of her rosary. "It wasn't the baby's fault that I chose to sin."
"It sounds more to me like it's you who can't forgive yourself," the minister said, gently.
Natalia simply nodded. She had no argument to that.
"Natalia, the Bible teaches us in John 3, verses 18 and 36, that the only unpardonable sin is that of permanently rejecting Christ," Reverend Weston tutored. "Clearly, you haven't rejected your Savior…"
A stifling lump formed in Natalia's throat, and she swallowed hard around it. God certainly had a way of forcing one to face the truth, no matter how deeply they tried to bury it. "I could have, though," she shamefully confessed, finally giving voice to her deepest-held secret. "If God hadn't shown me a way to reconcile my love for Olivia with my love for Him, I would've forsaken Him to be with her. I've no doubt about that."
"But He did show you a way, and you didn't forsake Him, Natalia," the minister said, gently. "If you had, then you certainly wouldn't have been here praying. You're here for a reason; one that only you and God know."
"I know—," Natalia quietly acknowledged.
"And as for loving Olivia the way you do…"
Natalia stiffened, bracing for the worst.
"Finding that kind of love with anyone is a priceless gift from God," the minister said, "and… finding it with your closest friend is an even greater gift—regardless of gender…"
"My son and Father Ray certainly don't see it that way…" Natalia's voice was tinged with anger and resentment.
"In the spiritual realm, God's opinion is the only one that matters, Natalia," the minister said, compassionately. "The Bible says nothing about living our lives to please our children or the clergy, or anyone else for that matter; only Him."
"But, it's not okay for me to love her more than I love God," Natalia asserted.
"You're right, Natalia, it isn't," the minister agreed. "The Bible makes it clear that we're to place nothing above God." She paused for a beat; then asked, "But are you really guilty of that? Have you ever actually placed Olivia above God?"
"Well, no—" Natalia was shaking her head. "But that's because He intervened, and fixed things before I had to make that choice."
The minister nodded. "Don't you think that maybe He knew what He was doing, arranging it so that you would never have to choose?"
Natalia smiled for the first time since their conversation had begun in earnest. "Divine intervention?"
"Our God is a God of the Eleventh Hour, Natalia," Reverend Weston said with a gentle smile. "He often arrives in that crucial moment, where we've finally come to the end of ourselves."
"Just in the nick of time," Natalia said, softly.
"Exactly—" the Reverend confirmed. "He is our saving grace in times of trouble. And I can tell you without a doubt, that not only did He save you from forsaking Him, He has forgiven you—for everything. He wipes our slate clean the moment we first ask His pardon," she assured.
"Even if Father Ray insists that he can't absolve me of my sins as long as I stay with Olivia?" Natalia asked in a small voice.
"The Bible says nothing about requiring the intercession of clergy to attain either salvation or absolution from God, Natalia," Reverend Weston gently tutored. She neither meant nor showed any disrespect toward Natalia's priest, but rather endeavored to impart the truth of God's Divine Word. "Those are personal issues between you and God, alone. If you've gone to God and asked for His forgiveness, it's a done deal."
She looked upon Natalia with eyes of compassion then, and reached over, gently squeezing her hand. "But you have to be the one to let go of the guilt, and accept the gift of His forgiveness. Our God is a God of second chances, Natalia—second chances to an infinite degree. Remember, seventy times seven."
Natalia nodded. She knew her Bible well, and thus, she understood what the Reverend meant: Jesus taught that His people should forgive their trespassers not just seven times, but seventy times seven, meaning not the specific number, but that their willingness to forgive should be boundless.
"He doesn't want us to live our lives through a veil of guilt," the minister said, quietly. "It isn't a prerequisite to salvation."
"Would you mind telling my Priest that?" Natalia said, with an aberrant hint of sarcasm. She felt guilty before the comment was even out of her mouth.
"Crisis of religion?" It was more statement than question.
"I guess you could say that," Natalia sighed. "I never questioned the tenets of my Catholic faith, until I fell in love with Olivia," she shared. "And I'm not blaming her for anything," she quickly clarified. "It's just that it took this… unconventional life I find myself living, to help me see that sometimes God and His Church aren't exactly on the same page."
Nodding, the minister indicated that she understood. "It can be heartbreaking, realizing that those we've looked to for spiritual guidance aren't always being guided by divine knowledge, but rather, by their own faulty interpretation of the Scriptures."
"Yeah—," Natalia sighed softly. "But what do I do? I don't know anything other than the Catholic faith." She sounded almost desperate.
"God is neither Catholic nor Protestant, Natalia. He's simply God. He doesn't care where we go to church, or what clothes we wear when we go, or how long or short our hair is, or even who we love, as long as we honor Him in all that we do," Reverend Weston explained.
Glancing up at the minister, Natalia offered a tentative smile. "Really?" After an entire lifetime of Catholic doctrine, she wondered if things could truly be that simple.
Reverend Weston smiled in return. "Really," she affirmed. "It's not about following man-made rules, it's about honoring Him. And it's clear to me that you strive to do exactly that."
"I fail a lot," Natalia said, sheepishly.
"As do we all," the minister said, reassuringly. "Remember what Paul says in Romans 3:23-24, 'For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by His grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus'," she quoted from memory. "There is a freedom when we realize that we all fall short and are in need of God's help. We can stop trying so hard to be perfect, and realize that what we couldn't do, God has already done in Christ."
"God doesn't expect us to be perfect. He only expects us to try," Natalia said, with a knowing smile. "Bianca and I were talking about that just the other day."
"And Bianca is the friend you're here visiting?" the minister surmised.
"Yes," Natalia confirmed. "She and her wife Lena are friends of Olivia's from way back."
A soft smile brightened those denim eyes. "I'm glad to know you're in such capable hands."
Natalia arched an eyebrow, as she studied the Reverend curiously. "You sound as if you know them."
"That's because I do. I've known them for several years, actually."
Dark eyes sparked with recognition. "Wait a minute—are you the minister who officiated at their wedding? We were just talking about that the other day."
A soft chuckle fell from the Reverend's lips. "That would be me," she acknowledged with a smile. "It was a beautiful ceremony, out on the cliffs."
"So I heard," Natalia commented. "Jordan was christened that day, wasn't she?" she asked, making polite conversation. It was a nice way to segue from more intense subjects.
A warm smile illuminated the Reverend's face. "Yes, she was," she confirmed.
And then they were chattering about how beautiful Jordan looked in the christening gown her Grandma Paulina made for her by hand; and how Alexandria had been christened in it as well, right there in the sanctuary of that old stone church. That topic led to others—some of a spiritual nature, and other not, as they weaved back and forth between the extremes.
Before they even knew it, more than two hours had passed, and Natalia found herself feeling infinitely better. Father Ray had always been kind to her; and yet, his messages to her in their personal interactions always felt somehow judgmental, condescending. It felt good, right, spending time with a woman of God—one who found ways to encourage her, to validate her feelings, rather than condemn her at every given opportunity.
Natalia thanked the Reverend with sincere gratitude and a warm hug as they finally parted ways that afternoon. The Reverend graciously accepted both, inviting Natalia to return anytime she desired. Natalia lingered in the sanctuary for a long while after the Reverend departed, pondering all of the truths that had been imparted to her. God wasn't Catholic, He was simply God. And she didn't need Father Ray's pardon in order to receive God's forgiveness. She only need open her heart to accept what was already extended to her through God's grace, the moment her heartfelt petition fell upon His merciful ears.
A deep sense of relieve flooded her soul, pouring through her veins and into every crevice of her being, and she knew in her heart that she had finally found absolution. Standing from her seat, she made her way back down the aisle.
That familiar force stopped her, causing her to pause midway. She turned back toward the altar, and it was then that she saw it—the scripture etched in the glass beneath the image of the cross—Jeremiah 29:11-13, it read: "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me, and come to pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all of your heart.'"
Though she didn't realize it until that very moment, this was the message she had needed to hear all along. Miraculously, the burden lifted from her heart, instantly replaced by a sense of indescribable joy. And with a smile on her face, she raced down the aisle, pushing open the heavy wooden doors of the old stone church with a sense of purpose. And escaping into the bright afternoon sunshine, she bounded down the steps, breaking into a full-fledged run.
She couldn't wait to get home to Olivia.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009… The Cottage—2:45 p.m. Eastern Daylight Time
Olivia sighed contentedly, as she wiped her hands clean on the blue gingham dishtowel. She had just finished placing the final touches on an Italian-Jewish style brisket, which would soon be slow-roasting over an open flame. Inhaling deeply, she drew in the scent of herbs and spices, delighting in the way the recipe combined the traditional Jewish brisket with favorite Italian ingredients—the rosemary and red wine blending flawlessly for a heady, slow-cooked, fork-tender masterpiece that simply exploded with flavor. She couldn't wait to set the pan on the open flame of the outdoor grill. But first, it needed to marinate.
Setting the dishtowel onto the counter, she lifted the pan, placing it on the open shelf in the refrigerator,. Closing the refrigerator door, she jumped with a start, as Bianca popped in from the back deck, announcing that Natalia was running, at breakneck speed, in their direction. She had been keeping watch while Olivia prepared their dinner.
"Thanks," Olivia said with a smile, her heart still pounding. "Dinner will be ready for the grill in an hour," she reported, as she bounded out the back door to greet her partner.
She reached the mid-level deck just as Natalia did, and was beyond surprised when the practically breathless younger woman threw herself into her arms without preamble, kissing her with wild abandon.
Hands that began on Olivia's back, stealthily slipped into soft chestnut, fingers tangling, as Natalia's tongue forcefully tangled with the hotelier's.
That forceful urgency was rewarded with deep, throaty groans, and the wish-fulfilling contact of their bodies, as Olivia slipped her fingers into Natalia's belt loops, pulling her impossibly closer. Matching Natalia's fervor with a passion all her own, Olivia held her with a crushing force. And long, and deep, and fiery, the kiss continued on.
Natalia's entire body flushed with liquid warmth, when the tongue that had been lightly tracing her bottom lip stealthily slipped inside; filling her mouth with its ardent heat. Olivia emitted another low groan when Natalia latched onto her tongue, sucking ever so lightly. The mere insinuation of what the woman might do to other parts of her body made her flush with liquid heat.
And when finally mouths slowed, passion turning sensual, Natalia exhaled a soft moan, as she relaxed against Olivia's body. Her fingers slid along soft skin, taking Olivia's face in her hands. Lightly, she nibbled a bottom lip, soothing it with her tongue. And then slipping it into the warmth of Olivia's mouth, this time more gently, she gingerly scraped it against the roof, causing Olivia's entire body to tremble.
"Jesus, Natalia," Olivia murmured. Delivered on a breathless moan, it wasn't a complaint. Every nerve ending in her body pinged with arousal, as she staggered backwards, pulling Natalia with her.
Finding her purchase, Natalia deftly maneuvered Olivia back farther, pressing her against the nearby railing. And it was there that she gradually, reluctantly, brought the kiss to an end.
Their lips slowly parting, Olivia released a fettered breath, as Natalia wrapped her arms around Olivia's neck, tightly; nuzzling against the warmth of her skin.
Olivia pulled her closer, fingers tangling in soft raven tresses. "Not that I'm complaining," she whispered against Natalia's ear, "but what's gotten into you?" There was a touch of humor beneath the husky tone.
"I found absolution, Liv—absolution!" Natalia's voice was brimming with emotion, as she forcefully choked back tears of joy.
An opening such as that held myriad opportunities for one-liners, but it didn't even occur to Olivia to make light of Natalia's words. She could feel it in the trembling of Natalia's body against her own, and in depths of her own soul—this was a defining moment for both of them, and for their future.
Gently, she pressed her lips to Natalia's temple. "What happened, Sweetheart?" she murmured softly. "Where did you go?"
Natalia relaxed against Olivia's body for a moment longer, and then released a slow, contented sigh, as she pulled away from their embrace. Meeting the sparkling jade of Olivia's eyes with the shimmering darkness of her own, she smiled softly into their depths. Her hands moved slowly, gliding across muscular shoulders and down sculpted arms, until she grasped Olivia's hands in her own; squeezing gently. "I found the most beautiful old church, Olivia," she whispered in awe. "And I met a wonderful woman there—a minister."
Her tone told Olivia that this made her happy, and Olivia smiled in response. "Oh, yeah?"
Natalia grinned excitedly, and the joy reflected in her eyes. "Yeah—the minister who married Lena and Bianca, actually. And we had the most insightful talk."
"So I'm gathering," Olivia responded, that sexy grin teasing her lips. She reined it in, so that Natalia wouldn't think she was being disingenuous. "What did you talk about?"
"Absolutely everything!" Natalia practically gushed. And then she began to ramble in that adorable way that she always did, sharing every last detail of the conversation she had had with the Reverend, and the life-changing ways in which the woman's words had touched her soul.
Olivia listened intently to every nuance of every single word. She couldn't stop the light in her eyes, or that sexy grin that toyed so insistently with the corners of her mouth.
The combination of the two told Natalia that Olivia was both relieved and amused. She continued on, and when she finished sharing the details, she whispered to Olivia, telling her how thankful she was for all that they shared. And finally she came to the issue that had bound her heart, her soul, in shackles. "I don't feel ashamed anymore, Liv. Not about anything," she shared, dimples blooming. "And I realize now that God would never use a baby as a form of punishment."
"Of course He wouldn't, Honey," Olivia affirmed, as her lips curled into a full-blown smile. "Babies are a gift, not a punishment." If only she had understood that before Ava was born, she thought, sadly.
Natalia's smile was effervescent, and there was laughter in her eyes. "We're gonna have a baby, Honey," she excitedly announced, almost as if it were breaking news. "Can you believe it? A baby!"
Exhaling a spirited cry, Olivia declared, "Ohhh… yes, we are, Sweetheart!" She sounded beyond giddy. The love in her eyes shown bright; and she released a hearty laugh as she lifted Natalia up, spinning her around. "And I'm so excited, I can hardly wait."
Natalia squealed out a laugh, ordering Olivia to put her down before she hurt herself. But as much as she protested for the sake of Olivia's health, she loved the carefree exuberance of being spun around in those strong arms. God, this woman, this love, made her feel so young, so alive, so free.
Olivia laughed in response, as she set Natalia on her feet. And then she kissed her with a playful passion, drawing more laughter from already burning lungs, as Natalia flung her arms around Olivia's neck.
Holding her close, Olivia nuzzled against Natalia's ear. She whispered to her, telling her over and over how happy she was, and how much she loved her.
Natalia cried softly, as she whispered those same sentiments in return. And then she kissed Olivia again, before settling her tearstained gaze on shimmering pools of jade. "You knew exactly what you were doing, bringing me here, didn't you?" Her tone was quiet, knowing.
Olivia reflected a quiet, knowing smile in response.
Tenderly taking Olivia's face in her hands, Natalia searched those beautiful eyes, penetrating the very depths of Olivia's soul, as she whispered to her. "Thank you, Liv, for loving me, for knowing me the way that you do. For bringing me here, to this place; these people. You knew what I needed, even when I didn't."
She leaned in, pressing her lips to Olivia's in a tender kiss. And then, with tears in her eyes, her voice brimming with passion, she whispered, "I love you, more than you could possibly comprehend."
First with kisses, whispered across Natalia's face and lips, and then with words, whispered against her ear, Olivia imparted those very same emotions right back to her. And then she pulled her close again, nuzzling against the sweet fragrance of her hair, as she reveled in the nearness of her. Nothing in the world had ever felt as good, as right, as holding Natalia Rivera in her arms. And nothing else ever would. Her love for this woman was as vast as the ocean, and twice as deep, and in that moment, she vowed to never let a day go by without telling her, in a thousand different ways, exactly how deeply she was treasured.
TBC…