Chapter 10

The night air is cool on his body. Lifting his head up, watching the stars and the moon… He leans over carefully, picking up his weapon. Lifting his bo, Don grips the familiar wood, feeling along it's length. He swings it around experimentally.

Flawless.

His senses are all on high alert as he spins his bo. His hands grip it tightly; there is no weakness in his right hand anymore. His breathing is easy and steady, and he is not afraid anymore. His mind…

He is happy.

Suddenly, he fumbles and breaks the rhythm. He drops his bo. The clatter reverberates across the rooftop. He drops to his knees, putting his head in his hands. His mind clouds. He can find no words to explain how he feels. His mind, once his greatest asset, has left him… failed him.

He has nothing.

Without it, he is nothing.

With a cry, he stumbles to his feet. He walks to the edge of the building, looking down. He's thought about this before. In broken words and thoughts that he hated. Taking a deep breath, he pushes off, in his last graceful dive.

The air whistled past him, and he closed his eyes against the approaching pavement and ground below.

He was free.

Raph jolted awake. It took him a moment to get oriented to just what had woken him this early in the morning. It only took a moment to get him to remember.

He closed his eyes against the screams emanating from his brother's room. He'd been doing so well with the nightmares.

He got out of bed, and made his way towards the noises. Passing Mike's room, he glanced in. Mike sat in the corner of the room, hands up on his ears. Looking up, he caught his brother's eye. Mike's eyes pleaded with Raph's, and Raph, sighing deeply, nodded.

He'd take care of it. Again.

Walking past Leo's room, he felt his blood boil. Why the hell wasn't he doing this?

He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. Then he opened Don's door the rest of the way.

Walking over to his brother's bed, he reached out to gently shake his shoulder. "Donnie…" He whispered. Then again, louder, as his patience met it's end. "Donnie. Don." He grabbed his shoulder, shaking him a bit harder now.

"Let me go." Don whispered. Raph blinked. Don rarely spoke in his sleep. He must be in deep. "Don…"

"Let me go, please… Just let me go." Don screamed. Raph backed up a few steps, then Reached forward, grabbing Don's wrists. "Snap out of it."

This time, Don awoke, moving defensively to the other side of the bed. Raph almost grinned. His brother may be injured, but he was still a trained ninja. He was fast.

Looking up, eyes wide, Don breathed heavily as he stared at Raph. He blinked a few times, focusing his eyes.

Raph stared back, unmoving. Don put his head in his hands, rubbing his face roughly. A sob left him, and Raph jumped.

"Why couldn't you have j-just let m-me go?" Don sobbed. "I was so cl-close…"

Raph swallowed hard. He moved to sit on the edge of the bed. He didn't say anything for a long moment, just listened to the cries coming from his brother. Swallowing again, he spoke finally. "Don, I…" He whispered, then stopped. "Was it…" He couldn't even bring himself to say it.

Clenching his mouth against the sick feeling he suddenly had, Raph got up from the bed and left the room quickly, nearly colliding with Leo as he did.

"Whoa, whoa." Leo grabbed Raph's shoulders to steady him. Once he did, he got a better look at his brother, and was shocked to see how pale and distraught he looked.

"Raph…"

"Where the hell were you!" Raph cried suddenly, pushing away from him. Leo's mouth opened to answer, but Raph went on.

"I can't do this no more, Leo." He went on, shutting his eyes. "I can't deal anymore. I can't go in there and see him like that anymore…" He let out something that sounded between a sob and a cry, but no tears came.

Leo looked at his brother carefully. His eyes were still shut tightly, and his hands were clenched at his sides.

"Raph." He put a hand on his brother's shoulder.

"I hate you." The words were low, and full of venom… And Leo heard them perfectly clear, taking a few steps back.

"You…" Raph looked up suddenly, pointing a finger at Leo and walking towards him. "You abandoned us… You left us when we really needed you. You are our brother and our leader, and you don't give a damn about us."

Leo backed up until his shell hit the wall. He expected to duck a swing from Raph, but none came. Raph sank to his knees, breathing deeply.

Leo swallowed.

"We are losing him, Leo." Raph whispered. "And you're not even trying to stop it."

"What's wrong?" Leo asked. "Is he ok? Is he sick?" He looked back towards Don's room.

Mike looked out of his room. "What's going on…?"

"Only what's been going on for months now." Raph spit out. "Our leader has left us to fall apart."

"I didn't... leave." Leo got in.

"Like hell."

"I didn't leave." Leo finally snapped. "I'm not that monster you keep making me out to be."

Raph let out a cry; of anguish or frustration, Leo didn't know. But it cut through him like a knife.

Leo leaned down, putting a hand on Raph's shoulder, kneeling next to him. "Then tell me." He whispered. "Tell me what's going on, so I can help."

Raph was silent, so Leo pleaded again. "Please… if you can't do it yourself, tell me. I want to know what I've missed."

"He has given up, Leo." Raph said softly. "He's been on the edge for a long time now… And I… am afraid for him."

Mike, wide-eyed, looked from Raph to Leo, then back again.

"What…"

"It's like talkin' him down from a ledge… only he's here…" Raph looked up again. "If not for the screamin', sometimes… I'd be afraid to look in his room."

Mike covered his mouth. "What are we gonna do?" He asked. "I… We can't watch him constantly. Maybe we should call April… Have her come stay for a bit."

Leo sighed looking down. "I had no idea things were this bad…"

Mike grabbed Leo's shoulder. "It's ok... We'll deal with it now."

Leo looked up at Mike, and nodded slightly. "Call April… See if she can come down." He looked at Raph. "I think we need a bit of help… A bit of a break."

Mike nodded, then left to call April.

Leo sighed softly, leaning down to Raph again. "Raph?" His brother moved away from him a bit, and Leo sighed again. "Thank you." He whispered, leaning his forehead against Raph's and putting a hand on his neck.

Raph's eyes remained closed, but his mouth quivered, and Leo could see moisture beneath the lids of his eyes.

"I'm scared, Leo."

"Me too, Raph… But I… God, Raph. I thank you." Leo whispered. "And we'll deal with this now… it'll be okay." He said, but he was trying to convince himself as much as anyone.