EXCERPTS FROM THE AUDIO JOURNAL OF QUI-GON JINN, JEDI KNIGHT
Coruscant, Jedi Temple, 13:10:20
Another day has elapsed without hearing from Anakin and this waiting is driving me mad.
My Padawan is still alive, I can sense it from the bond… but I need to see with my eyes how he is…now…now that I have lost my son…I cannot bear to even think about losing Anakin too…
Coruscant, Jedi Temple, 13:10:21
Mace has been here to visit Lianne and I today. He wanted to hold a memorial service for Obi-Wan along those for the other Jedi died on Jabiim, but my daughter-in-law refused.
Or better she has thanked Mace for his kindness, but asked him to postpone the ceremony until the baby is born.
"So that he too can participate," she said simply. Then added, with a chilling calm tone, "After all, there is no hurry…we don't even have a body to burn."
Mace has agreed to her wishes and shortly afterward she has left my quarters to retire in hers.
My friend watched her go, and I could see the admiration on his face when he murmured, "She is reacting well, I think. Even if she seems too controlled…Normal people should be more emotional…"
I smiled sadly at his words. "She seems to have taken it well, but it is not so. She has lived for fifteen years with… a Sith… and she has learned a things or two about shielding her feelings. It is only a façade, Mace. She is suffering and it is only her perceived duty to Obi-Wan's memory that makes her act so controlled…She thinks it would not be appropriate to be emotional in front of you or the other Jedi. But I know he cries herself to sleep every night…and that her son is the only thing that makes her go on…"
Mace nodded slowly. "And you, my friend? How are you feeling?"
"How do you think I feel, Mace? I am devastated. And angry. Angry with the Separatists. With Dooku. With The Force, for it took my son away…for it took him away before he was even able to hold his boy in his arms…"
"You must release your feeling to the Force, Qui-Gon," Mace said gently, putting a hand on my shoulder. "And you must take comfort in knowing Obi-Wan is now in a better place. Remember, there is no death-"
"-there is the Force." I completed, but they were empty words. "I know, Mace. But it is not easy. Not easy at all." I raised my eyes to look at him. "Sometime I tell myself this is why the Code forbids attachments. I think that maybe it would have been better if I had never found Obi-Wan again. Had it been so, I would be still here, wondering about how he would look like now, imagining him as a doctor, a lawyer, a pilot. Imagining him alive and happy. However, these thoughts never last long. Getting to know my son, living and working with him for the past ten years has been the most beautiful gift the Force has ever given me—after Obi-Wan's birth, of course. I have felt blessed all along because of the bond I shared with him, a bond no other Jedi has experienced in centuries. But now that my son has been taken again from me…I feel lost. As a part of me died with him. And I feel angry at the sheer unfairness of this."
I took a deep breath and added, "I know the Force is still there, Mace. I know I should release my anger, my pain, my regrets, but it is too soon. These feelings have given me the strength to go on and I am afraid I will break down if I let them go. I am aware it is not the Jedi way—but it is how I feel. One- one day I will release my pain, my sorrow and my desperation to the Force, and maybe I will be able to rejoice because my son is now part of it… but not now. Please, understand me, my friend."
Mace nodded and squeezed my shoulder. "I understand, Qui-Gon, I really do. I know some people think I am unfeeling, but I am not. Obi-Wan was a dear friend and I miss him very much. Please remember that I am your friend and that will always be here, should you need to talk."
I forced myself to smile. "I know, Mace. I know—and Obi-Wan knew it too."
Coruscant, Jedi Temple, 13:10:22
I talked with Ki-Adi-Mundi. He is leading his battalion to Jabiim and he told me he received a brief message from Anakin this morning.
My Padawan is well, unharmed and fighting along a group of Jedi apprentices…they call themselves the Masterless Padawans and it seems they are doing much to keep the enemy at bay, at least until the reinforcements arrive. Chancellor Palpatine has ordered to leave the planet and the evacuation should happen within a few days.
I hope the ships arrive quickly, for I will nor relax or rest until I know my Padawan is away from that forsaken planet…
Coruscant, Jedi Temple, 13:11:8
Anakin is safe, Force be blessed. He has been evacuated from Jabiim today.
I have not yet talked with him, but I know for sure he is on the ship Chancellor Palpatine sent and that he is fine.
I trust he will call me as soon as he is able to.
I long to see him again…I am missing him so much. I want to see with my eyes how he is and how much this disastrous campaign on Jabiim scarred him.
ADDENDUM- late evening
Anakin has finally called.
The transmission has just ended and I am exhausted because of it.
Anakin is physically fine, albeit thin and tired, but he is emotionally broken…As soon as our eyes have looked through the screen, he has thrown himself to his knees and begged me to forgive him because he was not able to protect Obi-Wan.
"I am so sorry, Master…" he kept on repeating between his tears, "I was not good enough…I was not fast enough…I should have sensed the danger…I should have stopped him…I should have not allowed Obi-Wan to board that walker…"
I tried to soothe him as best as I could, but it was really difficult, for a part of myself kept on saying, "Yes, Padawan you should have…Why you did not?"
I cringed when I realized what I was thinking and forced myself to release that resentment, while Anakin continued to weep and berate himself.
"He died without knowing how much I loved him…" he said. "He died being angry and disappointed with me…I never apologized for what had happed that last morning on Coruscant. I never told him I knew I had been wrong…I never told him how appreciated his teachings…I was too stubborn and prideful…And now he will never know he is…was…my brother…"
That completely undid me. I started crying with Anakin and for Anakin, as I tried to reassure him Obi-Wan is aware of his feelings…that from the netherworld of the Force he has forgiven Anakin…and is looking over him.
After a while Anakin calmed down and stood up from his kneeling position. He thanked me and told me he was going to meditate in the hope to sense Obi-Wan's spirit in the Force.
I really hope he is able to do it, because I can't. In the past days, Lianne has asked me more than once if I have sensed him and it has broken her heart when I answered that no, I have not.
Anakin is so much more powerful than me, and maybe he will succeed where I failed…I don't know how much I would give to sense my son again, if only once…
Coruscant, Jedi Temple, 13:11:10
When I returned to my quarters today, I found a brief recorded message from Anakin.
My Padawan told me he is not going to return to the Temple, but that will stay in the war zone under the tutelage of Ki-Adi-Mundi.
They are now going to transfer their troops in the Varonat system, whose commercial routes are endangered by pirates.
A part of me is proud of Anakin's dedication to his duty. He could have returned to the Temple with the other masterless padawans for a long leave, but he decided to stay. The other part instead is worried, because I am not sure Anakin decided to stay away out only of duty.
I am concerned he might be afraid to face me and Lianne. That he might be busying himself in his duty so to forget his pain…
Listen to your words, Jinn! You are afraid that Anakin is doing the same thing you are doing!
Yes…that's true. I am working long hours in these days, and not just because there is a shortage of masters here at the Temple. I am working from dawn well into the night because I know that I will be able to sleep if I tire myself enough…
I should really stop this, I know that. I am getting thinner and I feel like I have aged ten years in just a few weeks. I am aware my behaviour is worrying Lianne and I have promised her to take better care of myself, but still I keep on doing it.
Perhaps it is a good thing Anakin is staying away…I could ever pretend to help him to accept this tragedy and move on if I am unable and unwilling to confront the same issues myself?