Disclaimer: I do not own teen titans, any monkeys or the words to the
song Nowhere Fast by Incubus
Hand in Hand
Chapter Four: Nowhere Fast
It just goes to show; she thought bitterly, that no one really cares. It had been three hours since she had left the other titans at the food court. It was now half past ten at night and the sky was dark. But no one had come to check if she was okay, no one had even contacted her via the communicator.
Raven was sat in the darkness of her room, her cape wrapped around her shoulders as if to keep her warm, but she wasn't even cold. Her purple hair was drooping past her shoulders as if it were dead. She didn't care. She didn't care at all.
The moonlight was shining in through her window casting a silver glow on her grey skin.
She sighed. She had no idea why she was still here. She should just leave the titans, that way they wouldn't drag her down and vice versa. Everyone would be safer that way, and at least when she died they wouldn't have to pay the expenses for the funeral. She put her head in her hands, she knew she shouldn't be thinking up ways to save the team money, it was a waste of time.
She should go back to nevermore and try and find out what was happening to her emotions, but at the moment her entire mind was consumed with thoughts of her own worthlessness and her own destruction. She was beginning to wonder if any of them would even miss her if she died.
##Will I ever get to where I'm going?
Will I ever follow through with what I planned? ##
She gritted her teeth together suddenly; she really, really hated the person she had become. She hated that she felt so weak and insignificant, she wanted to be important to someone, and she wanted to mean something she wanted to be someone, instead of meaning and being what she saw herself as. Nothing.
She hated being a half-demon, she wanted to feel emotions, she wanted to have fun. But she couldn't.
The silence around her was roaring in her ears and seemed to be worse than the loudest noise on earth. In despair she raised her hands to her ears to try and block out the silence. It was a futile gesture but it was all she could do. Her eyes darted around the shadows of her room looking and waiting for something that wasn't there.
##I guess it's possible that I've been a bit distracted,
And the directions for me are a lot less in demand##
Her fingers curled around the strands on her hair and she gripped them hard almost afraid that if she didn't she'd fall somewhere where she couldn't escape. Her palms were pressed tightly against her ears, but still the quiet raged and screamed at her.
"Go away." She hissed to no one in particular. "Go away."
But no one listened, because there was no one there to hear her, they wouldn't have understood what she wanted anyway.
Her eyes searched the darkness and she began to see things that didn't exist. The faces on her wall leered and sneered at her, they mocked her with her empty eyes, the twisted and deformed crows seemed to be laughing at her, and her books seemed to shrink into the darkness until she couldn't see them anymore.
She closed her eyes tightly and shook her head, "Go away. Leave me alone."
##Will I ever get to where I'm going?
If I do, will I know when I am there? ##
She began rocking back and forth, the corners of her eyes were wet and tears were glistening on her eyelashes, "Leave me alone." She pleaded to the silence, "Please."
There were many things about herself that Raven Roth didn't like, and she didn't mean the physical things, she knew that she thought to much, and she knew that even though people said that with knowledge there is always power the truth of the matter was the more she knew, the more scared of the world she became.
She knew she was suffering from paranoia but the knowledge that she was doing so didn't help her at all. It just made her even worse. What if the others wouldn't help her if she asked? What if they just laughed? And then what if she lost control and killed them all?
Her eyes snapped open in panic.
##If the wind blew me in the right direction,
Would I even care?
I would##
She froze. The silence was still tearing at her, ripping away at her sanity with its invisible claws, like it had been doing for the past few nights when she had tried to sleep. She knew she was going to be an insomniac. But she knew what she had to do to make the quiet go away. It always worked.
Her knees trembled slightly as she staggered to her feet in the dark. With jerky movements she made her way over to the black cabinet where her mirror was kept. But she ignored it and dropped to her knees next to it instead. She pulled open the drawer and saw it, lying there.
The long sharp blade of the silver dagger was glinting in the moonlight. The enamelled hilt was carved to look like a raven spreading its wings.
With shaking hands she picked the weapon up. She had had it since she was born; it was a present from someone on Azarath. She couldn't exactly remember who, but the blade was always as cold as ice.
She lifted the dagger up and stared at it for a moment.
##I take a look around and it's evident the scene has changed##
She folded her legs underneath her and began to untie the fastenings to her gloves. She pulled the leather material away from her skin and then rolled up her right sleeve, revealing the angry red scars that were already healing. Some were only a few hours old, the oldest scars she had were years old, dating back from just before she joined the titans.
She bit her lip, she knew she shouldn't do it, but it was bliss, the physical pain blocked out all her other pain in one fell sweep. She held her wrist facing upwards and then steadied the dagger in her hand.
##And there are times when I feel improved upon the past,
And there are times when I can't understand at all##
Raven lowered the blade down and rested it gently on her skin. In one quick movement she pushed it down and dragged it sideways. She inhaled sharply as pain and the smell of her own blood enveloped her in a glorious maelstrom of sensation.
The redness of her own blood didn't surprise her; she had seen it many times before. If anything it was like an old friend that comforted her. She lifted the blade; the silver now painted with red and then brought it back down in a different place.
She did it again, and again, and again.
##And it seems as if,
I'm going nowhere##
Finally the quiet was replaced by the rapid sounds of her own breath and the sound of her own blood hitting the floor and creating tiny patterns and pictures that meant nothing but looked beautiful all the same.
Raven slumped forward and passed out, the dagger sliding from her grip and hitting the floor with a dull thud.
##And it seems as though I'm going nowhere...
...Really fucking fast##
Hand in Hand
Chapter Four: Nowhere Fast
It just goes to show; she thought bitterly, that no one really cares. It had been three hours since she had left the other titans at the food court. It was now half past ten at night and the sky was dark. But no one had come to check if she was okay, no one had even contacted her via the communicator.
Raven was sat in the darkness of her room, her cape wrapped around her shoulders as if to keep her warm, but she wasn't even cold. Her purple hair was drooping past her shoulders as if it were dead. She didn't care. She didn't care at all.
The moonlight was shining in through her window casting a silver glow on her grey skin.
She sighed. She had no idea why she was still here. She should just leave the titans, that way they wouldn't drag her down and vice versa. Everyone would be safer that way, and at least when she died they wouldn't have to pay the expenses for the funeral. She put her head in her hands, she knew she shouldn't be thinking up ways to save the team money, it was a waste of time.
She should go back to nevermore and try and find out what was happening to her emotions, but at the moment her entire mind was consumed with thoughts of her own worthlessness and her own destruction. She was beginning to wonder if any of them would even miss her if she died.
##Will I ever get to where I'm going?
Will I ever follow through with what I planned? ##
She gritted her teeth together suddenly; she really, really hated the person she had become. She hated that she felt so weak and insignificant, she wanted to be important to someone, and she wanted to mean something she wanted to be someone, instead of meaning and being what she saw herself as. Nothing.
She hated being a half-demon, she wanted to feel emotions, she wanted to have fun. But she couldn't.
The silence around her was roaring in her ears and seemed to be worse than the loudest noise on earth. In despair she raised her hands to her ears to try and block out the silence. It was a futile gesture but it was all she could do. Her eyes darted around the shadows of her room looking and waiting for something that wasn't there.
##I guess it's possible that I've been a bit distracted,
And the directions for me are a lot less in demand##
Her fingers curled around the strands on her hair and she gripped them hard almost afraid that if she didn't she'd fall somewhere where she couldn't escape. Her palms were pressed tightly against her ears, but still the quiet raged and screamed at her.
"Go away." She hissed to no one in particular. "Go away."
But no one listened, because there was no one there to hear her, they wouldn't have understood what she wanted anyway.
Her eyes searched the darkness and she began to see things that didn't exist. The faces on her wall leered and sneered at her, they mocked her with her empty eyes, the twisted and deformed crows seemed to be laughing at her, and her books seemed to shrink into the darkness until she couldn't see them anymore.
She closed her eyes tightly and shook her head, "Go away. Leave me alone."
##Will I ever get to where I'm going?
If I do, will I know when I am there? ##
She began rocking back and forth, the corners of her eyes were wet and tears were glistening on her eyelashes, "Leave me alone." She pleaded to the silence, "Please."
There were many things about herself that Raven Roth didn't like, and she didn't mean the physical things, she knew that she thought to much, and she knew that even though people said that with knowledge there is always power the truth of the matter was the more she knew, the more scared of the world she became.
She knew she was suffering from paranoia but the knowledge that she was doing so didn't help her at all. It just made her even worse. What if the others wouldn't help her if she asked? What if they just laughed? And then what if she lost control and killed them all?
Her eyes snapped open in panic.
##If the wind blew me in the right direction,
Would I even care?
I would##
She froze. The silence was still tearing at her, ripping away at her sanity with its invisible claws, like it had been doing for the past few nights when she had tried to sleep. She knew she was going to be an insomniac. But she knew what she had to do to make the quiet go away. It always worked.
Her knees trembled slightly as she staggered to her feet in the dark. With jerky movements she made her way over to the black cabinet where her mirror was kept. But she ignored it and dropped to her knees next to it instead. She pulled open the drawer and saw it, lying there.
The long sharp blade of the silver dagger was glinting in the moonlight. The enamelled hilt was carved to look like a raven spreading its wings.
With shaking hands she picked the weapon up. She had had it since she was born; it was a present from someone on Azarath. She couldn't exactly remember who, but the blade was always as cold as ice.
She lifted the dagger up and stared at it for a moment.
##I take a look around and it's evident the scene has changed##
She folded her legs underneath her and began to untie the fastenings to her gloves. She pulled the leather material away from her skin and then rolled up her right sleeve, revealing the angry red scars that were already healing. Some were only a few hours old, the oldest scars she had were years old, dating back from just before she joined the titans.
She bit her lip, she knew she shouldn't do it, but it was bliss, the physical pain blocked out all her other pain in one fell sweep. She held her wrist facing upwards and then steadied the dagger in her hand.
##And there are times when I feel improved upon the past,
And there are times when I can't understand at all##
Raven lowered the blade down and rested it gently on her skin. In one quick movement she pushed it down and dragged it sideways. She inhaled sharply as pain and the smell of her own blood enveloped her in a glorious maelstrom of sensation.
The redness of her own blood didn't surprise her; she had seen it many times before. If anything it was like an old friend that comforted her. She lifted the blade; the silver now painted with red and then brought it back down in a different place.
She did it again, and again, and again.
##And it seems as if,
I'm going nowhere##
Finally the quiet was replaced by the rapid sounds of her own breath and the sound of her own blood hitting the floor and creating tiny patterns and pictures that meant nothing but looked beautiful all the same.
Raven slumped forward and passed out, the dagger sliding from her grip and hitting the floor with a dull thud.
##And it seems as though I'm going nowhere...
...Really fucking fast##