Disclaimer: I don't own teen titans or the words to the song Just The Way
I'm Feeling by Feeder. PS in the next arises between Robin
and Aqualad...ooh! And I think that, yes, Robin/Raven is a lot cuter than
Aqualad/Raven! And I have something really special planned for Christmas!
But I'm not gonna tell you what that is...mwahahaha!
Hand in Hand
Chapter Twenty-Two: Just The Way I'm Feeling
27th November
Raven sat at the bottom of the shower at the warm water wash away the blood that had dried on her arms. She wondered if she was doomed to live a life full of complications and disappointments. But had happened with Robin yesterday had made her think that maybe he did notice and was aware of what she was going through. But then he had gone out with Star anyway and had forgotten about her like she was a broken toy. She wiped her hair back behind her ears with both her hands.
She hadn't gone back to nevermore since she had been chucked out; she was trying to block the whole ordeal from her mind. But it wasn't working very well. At least Aqualad was coming round tomorrow and his companionship would serve as a good distraction.
##Love in,
Love out,
Finally feeling##
She wasn't sure what she felt for Aqualad she couldn't deny that he seemed concerned for her and that he was always very friendly and put her needs before his own. He had even shown her to that wonderful beach. They had gone back the day after and had lunch with Kai and Rei. It had been a suitable activity to use up time. New people didn't bother her much. They didn't care for her deeply and so wouldn't pry into her life.
That had suited her just fine at the time. But now after the incident with her leader she was beginning to think that maybe she wanted someone to interfere in her life.
She stood up shakily and fumbling she turned the shower off. It cut off with a groan and the red water drained away. She clicked the light off and went back into her room. She walked over to the cabinet and bandaged her arm almost methodically as if it were a chore. She dressed in her uniform quickly not even pausing to think about the few other clothes she had in her wardrobe. She was in no mood for such frivolous things.
She didn't look at the mirror as she passed it by as she re-entered the bathroom and grabbed her drying dagger. Almost lovingly she stroked the hilt and then placed it gently in the drawer from whence it had came.
With one last look around herself she flicked her cloak over her shoulders and strode from her room out into the hall.
##Scream in,
Scream out,
Time for healing##
She descended the stairs into the kitchen and scowled when everyone looked up at her.
"Morning Raven!" called Beast Boy leaning back in his chair and grinning like a maniac, "Just thought you'd like to know that I'm going to make an announcement later!" he didn't wait for her reply and went back to shovelling obscene amounts of tofu into his face like there was no tomorrow.
Raven was going to raise her eyebrows but her body decided against it and she just stared, she looked at the others for some sort of hint but they all just shrugged and shook their heads. She sighed and slid into the only empty space which was next to Cyborg but unfortunately it was opposite Robin. The boy wonder tried to catch her eye but she kept her gaze down.
"We are having a feast of tofu!" proclaimed Starfire as if the announcement itself would solve world hunger. The red haired girl grinned brightly and passed a plate of white clay to Raven.
Raven stared down at it. Maybe it was still alive.
Cyborg was shaking his head at his own food, "So what's everyone doing today?" he asked while emptying half a container of salt on his tofu eggs.
Starfire grinned and ate some of her eggs, "I do not know. Perhaps we should all go to the park and commence the ritual of hanging out?" she suggested.
Terra whispered something to Beast Boy who hastily swallowed what he was eating, "Yeah I can do that!" everyone looked at him; he shoved more tofu in his mouth, "Go to the park I mean." He said between mouthfuls.
"I'm up for that." Agreed Cyborg, "Pass the pepper please. What do you say Robin?"
Robin passed the pepper absently, "Yeah I guess." He said stabbing at his own food with his fork.
Cyborg nodded and began showering his salty eggs with pepper.
"Dude!" protested Beast Boy, "You're gonna kill the taste if you do that!"
Cyborg grinned wryly, "That's the whole idea." With a grin he tipped the plate up and emptied the well seasoned eggs into his mouth. With a gulp he swallowed and licked his lips. "Mmm." He said, "But now I'm thirsty."
Raven didn't say anything as she moved the cartoon of orange juice from the counter top with her magic and set it down in front of Cyborg.
"Thanks Rae." He said drinking straight from the carton much too every one else's distaste.
##You feel the moments gone too soon,
You're watching clouds come over you,
Torn in two,
You close your eyes for some place new,
Torn in two##
"Can't you use a glass?" snapped Robin picking his head up and glaring at his friend.
The others froze, they were glad someone had something but they had never expected it to be their leader and never with such an annoyed tone.
Cyborg drained the carton and met Robin's glare, "You should have said earlier. Man chill it didn't do any harm."
Everyone's, minus Raven's, eyes were fixed on Robin and they were wide with surprise and concern. Raven could almost see the wheels turning in their heads. They were wondering what had happened to make their leader so uptight.
Raven bowed her head over her plate and tuned out Robin's mumbled apologies. She tried her best to ignore the idle chatter that was going on around her. Her cuts were starting to sting; she was beginning to think that she had wrapped the bandages too tight. She risked a look around the table, maybe no one would notice if she slipped away to her room. She didn't want to cut off her circulation.
Raven's expression twisted suddenly and her fists clenched in anger. She didn't know why she felt as if she had to cut herself to drown out all the emotion turmoil she felt. She hated her powers for what they restricted her to. Everyone else could just talk about it freely, she didn't think they realised how lucky they were.
She wondered if she was obsessed with her own destruction.
##I feel it's going down,
Ten feet below the ground,
I'm waiting for your healing hand,
One touch can bring me round,
I think we're going down,
Ten feet below the ground##
It was just that she didn't know any other way to deal with sorrow and passive rejection and the feeling that she was slowly dying inside. How could she know she was alive if she didn't feel pain? She was forbidden from feeling emotions but what good is a life like that?
"Raven." A hand was being waved in front of her face, now why hadn't she noticed that before? Her brows knitted into a frown. "Raven."
She looked finally registering the voice that was saying her name. The others were looking at her in concern.
"Are you alright?" asked Robin his eyes searching her face.
Raven looked away from his gaze, didn't he realise that today's pain was because of him? Why couldn't he just leave her alone? Why couldn't he just ignore her like everyone else, after all he had Starfire now. Why would he ever even want her? "I'm fine." She mumbled quickly.
"Oh, it's just that Beast Boy wants to make his announcement thing and we're waiting for you." Robin said in a dejected voice staring down at her bowed head.
"Right." She muttered not looking up even though she knew he was still looking at her. It made her uncomfortable. She vanished suddenly and then reappeared on the couch next to Starfire.
The alien girl jumped but after recovering from her shock she merely beamed as if it were the best day of her life. Raven thought this was very typical of Starfire; the redhead was so naive and innocent. It annoyed Raven to no end.
Robin came and sat down on the other side of Starfire, who immediately linked their hands. Robin lanced at Raven but Raven turned her head away and pretended not to be looking. She tried telling herself that she didn't care.
She hated lying.
##It's just the way I'm feeling,
It's just the way I'm feeling##
Raven crossed her arms over her chest, she realised it was a defensive posture and that if anyone looked at her body language they would notice something was up but at the moment she couldn't be concerned with such things.
"Alright!" said Beast Boy appearing from nowhere holding a white polythene bags, "My announcement is to do with Christmas!"
Terra groaned and Cyborg chuckled. Everyone else was silent as the five of them looked at Beast Boy and eyed the bag he was holding expectantly.
Raven dropped her eyes after a moment and stared at the floor, hearing the words but not really taking them in as Beast Boy puffed up his chest and started a long speech.
"Well guys, I know that Christmas is nearly upon us after all in one month it will be over and one with." He sighed sadly, "Time flies and I know that over the last few years we haven't done much in order to celebrate but this year I decided we should go all out." He put the bag on the table in front of him and grinned happily at them all.
##Glow in,
Burn out,
Lost the feeling,
Bruise in,
You bruise out,
And nurse the bleeding##
Raven sighed inwardly why did they continuously seek to both with such unimportant matters? It was a silly little holiday that had been overtaken by commercial myth. It did not deserve the recognition that the people gave it. Greed was the only thing that fuelled Christmas in her eyes.
Beast Boy gave them all the thumbs up, "I decided that since we're going to have fun this Christmas that I should involve us all in time honoured traditions that have kept children and adults alike captivated for years. This particular tradition rocks, because dude, I know we all love chocolate." He opened the bag carefully and put his hands inside, "And so I bought us all advent calendars!"
"A what?" asked Starfire delighted looking happy despite the fact that she didn't have a clue what an advent calendar was.
Beast Boy shook his head, "Star, it's only one of the best things about Christmas. It's a twenty-five day calendar that you hang on your wall. Under the dates though there are little windows and on each day following from the first of December you open a window and you get a little piece of chocolate shaped in a Christmas shape!"
Starfire squealed in excitement like a little girl, "That is wonderful Beast Boy! And you have bought us all one?"
Beast Boy grinned, "Yeah." He scratched his head, "Even Raven even though I know she probably won't want one."
Raven scowled, they always assumed things about her. Assuming was a dangerous game. They all thought they knew her so well. But they didn't know a thing!
##Torn in two,
Each time we bruise,
And I feel it's going down,
Ten feet below the ground,
I'm waiting for your healing hand,
One touch can bring me round,
I think we're going down,
Ten feet below the ground##
Beast Boy grinned and drew the first advent calendar from his bag. It was pale blue and had cakes and ponies drawn all over it. He handed it to Starfire with a grin.
Starfire took it and grinned, "Thank you Beast Boy! I shall prepare the pudding of thanks!"
Beast Boy tried to ignore that comment and drew another calendar out, it was black and had giant robots on it. He chucked it at Cyborg who caught it in one hand, nodded his thanks and began studying the pictures.
Raven sighed.
"This one's yours Terra!" Beast Boy cried bringing out a large yellow advent calendar with a picture of the sunset over the Grand Canyon painted on it, "I hope you like it."
Terra looked at it and leapt up to hug Beast Boy.
Beast Boy blushed and went back into the bag, "Uh, here's yours Rob." He said tossing out a red advent calendar that had a hand painting of both batman and himself on it. Robin's eyebrows rose but he thanked Beast Boy all the same.
Raven looked down at the carpet all sorts of thoughts running through her mind.
Why had he left her until last? She told herself that the order in which the calendars were picked was purely coincidental.
"This one's for you Rae." Mumbled Beast Boy nervously, "I didn't know what you liked so I hope this is okay." He thrust something nervously onto her lap.
Raven looked at it.
##It's just the way I'm feeling,
It's just the way I'm feeling,
Two different views,
As words confuse,
And break,
I can't get out,
There's no way out,
Of here,
I can't get clear##
The dark purple advent calendar was decorated with a close up picture of the Milky Way galaxy. Raven didn't know what to make of it. She didn't really indulge in chocolate and she didn't think much of Christmas. She frowned down at it.
Robin leaned over and looked at it, "That's a nice one." He said appreciably smiling uncertainly at Raven.
Raven looked up at him briefly, was he goading her? Lulling her into a false sense of security perhaps? She didn't like the game he had decided to play with her. She was unsure what he was trying to do. It was obviously to do with yesterday morning. He was probably worried he was going to tell Star. He needn't worry. She grabbed the advent calendar and shoved it towards Robin, "If you like it. You have it." She stood up and marched off.
"Oh man." Moaned Beast Boy, "I thought I'd got it right that time."
"What is your problem?" yelled Terra after the retreating form of Raven.
"It's best to leave her alone at times like this." Muttered Robin putting Raven's calendar back down on the table next to the plastic bag that contained Beast Boy's own.
"She needs to get an attitude adjustment." Snapped Terra glaring at the door Raven had gone through, "I don't know what Aqualad sees in her."
"I do." Whispered Robin under his breath. But no one heard him and he didn't have the heart to repeat himself.
##Love in,
Love out,
Find the feeling,
I feel it's going down,
Ten feet below the ground,
I'm waiting for your healing hand,
One touch can bring me round,
I fear we're going down,
Ten feet below the ground,
It's just the way I'm feeling,
It's just the way I'm feeling,
Yeah, it's just the way I'm feeling##
Hand in Hand
Chapter Twenty-Two: Just The Way I'm Feeling
27th November
Raven sat at the bottom of the shower at the warm water wash away the blood that had dried on her arms. She wondered if she was doomed to live a life full of complications and disappointments. But had happened with Robin yesterday had made her think that maybe he did notice and was aware of what she was going through. But then he had gone out with Star anyway and had forgotten about her like she was a broken toy. She wiped her hair back behind her ears with both her hands.
She hadn't gone back to nevermore since she had been chucked out; she was trying to block the whole ordeal from her mind. But it wasn't working very well. At least Aqualad was coming round tomorrow and his companionship would serve as a good distraction.
##Love in,
Love out,
Finally feeling##
She wasn't sure what she felt for Aqualad she couldn't deny that he seemed concerned for her and that he was always very friendly and put her needs before his own. He had even shown her to that wonderful beach. They had gone back the day after and had lunch with Kai and Rei. It had been a suitable activity to use up time. New people didn't bother her much. They didn't care for her deeply and so wouldn't pry into her life.
That had suited her just fine at the time. But now after the incident with her leader she was beginning to think that maybe she wanted someone to interfere in her life.
She stood up shakily and fumbling she turned the shower off. It cut off with a groan and the red water drained away. She clicked the light off and went back into her room. She walked over to the cabinet and bandaged her arm almost methodically as if it were a chore. She dressed in her uniform quickly not even pausing to think about the few other clothes she had in her wardrobe. She was in no mood for such frivolous things.
She didn't look at the mirror as she passed it by as she re-entered the bathroom and grabbed her drying dagger. Almost lovingly she stroked the hilt and then placed it gently in the drawer from whence it had came.
With one last look around herself she flicked her cloak over her shoulders and strode from her room out into the hall.
##Scream in,
Scream out,
Time for healing##
She descended the stairs into the kitchen and scowled when everyone looked up at her.
"Morning Raven!" called Beast Boy leaning back in his chair and grinning like a maniac, "Just thought you'd like to know that I'm going to make an announcement later!" he didn't wait for her reply and went back to shovelling obscene amounts of tofu into his face like there was no tomorrow.
Raven was going to raise her eyebrows but her body decided against it and she just stared, she looked at the others for some sort of hint but they all just shrugged and shook their heads. She sighed and slid into the only empty space which was next to Cyborg but unfortunately it was opposite Robin. The boy wonder tried to catch her eye but she kept her gaze down.
"We are having a feast of tofu!" proclaimed Starfire as if the announcement itself would solve world hunger. The red haired girl grinned brightly and passed a plate of white clay to Raven.
Raven stared down at it. Maybe it was still alive.
Cyborg was shaking his head at his own food, "So what's everyone doing today?" he asked while emptying half a container of salt on his tofu eggs.
Starfire grinned and ate some of her eggs, "I do not know. Perhaps we should all go to the park and commence the ritual of hanging out?" she suggested.
Terra whispered something to Beast Boy who hastily swallowed what he was eating, "Yeah I can do that!" everyone looked at him; he shoved more tofu in his mouth, "Go to the park I mean." He said between mouthfuls.
"I'm up for that." Agreed Cyborg, "Pass the pepper please. What do you say Robin?"
Robin passed the pepper absently, "Yeah I guess." He said stabbing at his own food with his fork.
Cyborg nodded and began showering his salty eggs with pepper.
"Dude!" protested Beast Boy, "You're gonna kill the taste if you do that!"
Cyborg grinned wryly, "That's the whole idea." With a grin he tipped the plate up and emptied the well seasoned eggs into his mouth. With a gulp he swallowed and licked his lips. "Mmm." He said, "But now I'm thirsty."
Raven didn't say anything as she moved the cartoon of orange juice from the counter top with her magic and set it down in front of Cyborg.
"Thanks Rae." He said drinking straight from the carton much too every one else's distaste.
##You feel the moments gone too soon,
You're watching clouds come over you,
Torn in two,
You close your eyes for some place new,
Torn in two##
"Can't you use a glass?" snapped Robin picking his head up and glaring at his friend.
The others froze, they were glad someone had something but they had never expected it to be their leader and never with such an annoyed tone.
Cyborg drained the carton and met Robin's glare, "You should have said earlier. Man chill it didn't do any harm."
Everyone's, minus Raven's, eyes were fixed on Robin and they were wide with surprise and concern. Raven could almost see the wheels turning in their heads. They were wondering what had happened to make their leader so uptight.
Raven bowed her head over her plate and tuned out Robin's mumbled apologies. She tried her best to ignore the idle chatter that was going on around her. Her cuts were starting to sting; she was beginning to think that she had wrapped the bandages too tight. She risked a look around the table, maybe no one would notice if she slipped away to her room. She didn't want to cut off her circulation.
Raven's expression twisted suddenly and her fists clenched in anger. She didn't know why she felt as if she had to cut herself to drown out all the emotion turmoil she felt. She hated her powers for what they restricted her to. Everyone else could just talk about it freely, she didn't think they realised how lucky they were.
She wondered if she was obsessed with her own destruction.
##I feel it's going down,
Ten feet below the ground,
I'm waiting for your healing hand,
One touch can bring me round,
I think we're going down,
Ten feet below the ground##
It was just that she didn't know any other way to deal with sorrow and passive rejection and the feeling that she was slowly dying inside. How could she know she was alive if she didn't feel pain? She was forbidden from feeling emotions but what good is a life like that?
"Raven." A hand was being waved in front of her face, now why hadn't she noticed that before? Her brows knitted into a frown. "Raven."
She looked finally registering the voice that was saying her name. The others were looking at her in concern.
"Are you alright?" asked Robin his eyes searching her face.
Raven looked away from his gaze, didn't he realise that today's pain was because of him? Why couldn't he just leave her alone? Why couldn't he just ignore her like everyone else, after all he had Starfire now. Why would he ever even want her? "I'm fine." She mumbled quickly.
"Oh, it's just that Beast Boy wants to make his announcement thing and we're waiting for you." Robin said in a dejected voice staring down at her bowed head.
"Right." She muttered not looking up even though she knew he was still looking at her. It made her uncomfortable. She vanished suddenly and then reappeared on the couch next to Starfire.
The alien girl jumped but after recovering from her shock she merely beamed as if it were the best day of her life. Raven thought this was very typical of Starfire; the redhead was so naive and innocent. It annoyed Raven to no end.
Robin came and sat down on the other side of Starfire, who immediately linked their hands. Robin lanced at Raven but Raven turned her head away and pretended not to be looking. She tried telling herself that she didn't care.
She hated lying.
##It's just the way I'm feeling,
It's just the way I'm feeling##
Raven crossed her arms over her chest, she realised it was a defensive posture and that if anyone looked at her body language they would notice something was up but at the moment she couldn't be concerned with such things.
"Alright!" said Beast Boy appearing from nowhere holding a white polythene bags, "My announcement is to do with Christmas!"
Terra groaned and Cyborg chuckled. Everyone else was silent as the five of them looked at Beast Boy and eyed the bag he was holding expectantly.
Raven dropped her eyes after a moment and stared at the floor, hearing the words but not really taking them in as Beast Boy puffed up his chest and started a long speech.
"Well guys, I know that Christmas is nearly upon us after all in one month it will be over and one with." He sighed sadly, "Time flies and I know that over the last few years we haven't done much in order to celebrate but this year I decided we should go all out." He put the bag on the table in front of him and grinned happily at them all.
##Glow in,
Burn out,
Lost the feeling,
Bruise in,
You bruise out,
And nurse the bleeding##
Raven sighed inwardly why did they continuously seek to both with such unimportant matters? It was a silly little holiday that had been overtaken by commercial myth. It did not deserve the recognition that the people gave it. Greed was the only thing that fuelled Christmas in her eyes.
Beast Boy gave them all the thumbs up, "I decided that since we're going to have fun this Christmas that I should involve us all in time honoured traditions that have kept children and adults alike captivated for years. This particular tradition rocks, because dude, I know we all love chocolate." He opened the bag carefully and put his hands inside, "And so I bought us all advent calendars!"
"A what?" asked Starfire delighted looking happy despite the fact that she didn't have a clue what an advent calendar was.
Beast Boy shook his head, "Star, it's only one of the best things about Christmas. It's a twenty-five day calendar that you hang on your wall. Under the dates though there are little windows and on each day following from the first of December you open a window and you get a little piece of chocolate shaped in a Christmas shape!"
Starfire squealed in excitement like a little girl, "That is wonderful Beast Boy! And you have bought us all one?"
Beast Boy grinned, "Yeah." He scratched his head, "Even Raven even though I know she probably won't want one."
Raven scowled, they always assumed things about her. Assuming was a dangerous game. They all thought they knew her so well. But they didn't know a thing!
##Torn in two,
Each time we bruise,
And I feel it's going down,
Ten feet below the ground,
I'm waiting for your healing hand,
One touch can bring me round,
I think we're going down,
Ten feet below the ground##
Beast Boy grinned and drew the first advent calendar from his bag. It was pale blue and had cakes and ponies drawn all over it. He handed it to Starfire with a grin.
Starfire took it and grinned, "Thank you Beast Boy! I shall prepare the pudding of thanks!"
Beast Boy tried to ignore that comment and drew another calendar out, it was black and had giant robots on it. He chucked it at Cyborg who caught it in one hand, nodded his thanks and began studying the pictures.
Raven sighed.
"This one's yours Terra!" Beast Boy cried bringing out a large yellow advent calendar with a picture of the sunset over the Grand Canyon painted on it, "I hope you like it."
Terra looked at it and leapt up to hug Beast Boy.
Beast Boy blushed and went back into the bag, "Uh, here's yours Rob." He said tossing out a red advent calendar that had a hand painting of both batman and himself on it. Robin's eyebrows rose but he thanked Beast Boy all the same.
Raven looked down at the carpet all sorts of thoughts running through her mind.
Why had he left her until last? She told herself that the order in which the calendars were picked was purely coincidental.
"This one's for you Rae." Mumbled Beast Boy nervously, "I didn't know what you liked so I hope this is okay." He thrust something nervously onto her lap.
Raven looked at it.
##It's just the way I'm feeling,
It's just the way I'm feeling,
Two different views,
As words confuse,
And break,
I can't get out,
There's no way out,
Of here,
I can't get clear##
The dark purple advent calendar was decorated with a close up picture of the Milky Way galaxy. Raven didn't know what to make of it. She didn't really indulge in chocolate and she didn't think much of Christmas. She frowned down at it.
Robin leaned over and looked at it, "That's a nice one." He said appreciably smiling uncertainly at Raven.
Raven looked up at him briefly, was he goading her? Lulling her into a false sense of security perhaps? She didn't like the game he had decided to play with her. She was unsure what he was trying to do. It was obviously to do with yesterday morning. He was probably worried he was going to tell Star. He needn't worry. She grabbed the advent calendar and shoved it towards Robin, "If you like it. You have it." She stood up and marched off.
"Oh man." Moaned Beast Boy, "I thought I'd got it right that time."
"What is your problem?" yelled Terra after the retreating form of Raven.
"It's best to leave her alone at times like this." Muttered Robin putting Raven's calendar back down on the table next to the plastic bag that contained Beast Boy's own.
"She needs to get an attitude adjustment." Snapped Terra glaring at the door Raven had gone through, "I don't know what Aqualad sees in her."
"I do." Whispered Robin under his breath. But no one heard him and he didn't have the heart to repeat himself.
##Love in,
Love out,
Find the feeling,
I feel it's going down,
Ten feet below the ground,
I'm waiting for your healing hand,
One touch can bring me round,
I fear we're going down,
Ten feet below the ground,
It's just the way I'm feeling,
It's just the way I'm feeling,
Yeah, it's just the way I'm feeling##