Title: Confessions Lead to Strange Bedfellows
Author: Kimberly21570
Fandoms: Guiding Light / All My Children
Pairings: Olivia and Natalia / Lena and Bianca
Disclaimer: The characters of Olivia and Emma Spencer, Natalia and Rafe Rivera, Ava Peralta, Josh Lewis, Frank Cooper, and Dr. Felicia Boudreau, are owned by CBS/TeleNext and Proctor & Gamble. The original character Dantéa (Téa) Rivera is the property of this author, and any resemblance to fictional characters, or real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
No copyright infringement intended with regard to Guiding Light, CBS/TeleNext, Proctor & Gamble, or any other entity. With the exceptions of the Farmhouse of Love and Cedars Hospital, the settings, dialogue, and story content in these scenes are original. Written for fun, not profit. All other standard disclaimers apply.
Many thanks to my friend and favorite FFW, WickedWanda926, and to my friend newfan64, not only for their ongoing willingness to proofread/edit my stories, but for your steadfast support of me, both personally, and as a would-be writer. I appreciate you both more than you know. Thank you to all who continue to read and/or comment. I am truly blown away by all of your wonderful comments, and appreciate all the time you have invested in this story. Thank you so much for sticking this one out with me!
Rating: Chapter 18 is rated PG-13 for coarse language.
Confessions Lead to Strange Bedfellows
Copyright May 2009
"For the greater the love, the greater the grief, and the stronger the faith, the more savagely will Satan storm its fortress."
C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed
Chapter 18.8 – What Price We Pay:
Friday, August 21, 2009… Dr. Felicia Boudreau's Office, Cedars Hospital, Springfield—11:45 a.m. Central Daylight Time
"And what's the alternative to holding on?" Dr. Boudreau queried in response to Olivia's plea for help, wrapped in a shell of grief and despair.
"Honestly, Doc, I don't have a fucking clue," Olivia answered, sounding defeated. "I just know that things can't go on like this. I can't go on like this," she added, emphasizing her own personal shortcomings when it came to dealing with their rapidly deteriorating situation.
"Like what, Olivia?"
Dr. Boudreau's gentle prodding took Olivia back in time, as she recalled those moments that now seemed to define their life. And the more she remembered, the more rapidly her heart pounded, and the tighter her chest felt, as her breathing grew increasingly ragged. "I'm really sorry, Doc," she managed through strangled breaths as she clutched her chest. "I know I showed up here, demanding to be seen, but I just…"
Full panic setting in, she left her comment dangling in mid-air, as she reached down, grabbing her purse; and with one quick shove, she launched herself from the armchair. "I don't… I don't think I can do this right now," she muttered, more to herself than to the doctor. And with that, she bolted out the door leaving Felicia staring after her, confused and more than a little concerned as the sound of Olivia's heels clicking against the linoleum floors faded into the distance.
Friday, August 21, 2009… The Farmhouse of Love—12:45 p.m. Central Daylight Time
When Josh called lunch, Rafe wandered down to the treehouse near the pond, a plastic shopping bag with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, his favorite cheese crackers, some dried apricots, and a sugar-free energy drink, in hand. He needed some space, some time to disconnect from the feeling of emotional chaos that so often permeated their world now. And most of all, he needed to not have to look into his mother's eyes across that old wooden kitchen table again. Some days, the image he found looking back at him was just too much to bear.
Climbing the ladder, he lowered himself down to the sturdy wooden platform, dangling his legs over the edge. It was incredibly hot outside, excessively humid, even for late August, and he knew he needed to be careful not to get too dehydrated. It was harsh enough for a normal person, but as a diabetic, it could be deadly. That was the last thing his mother needed to deal with right now.
As he unwrapped his PB & J—a favorite from childhood, despite the fact that he ate it almost every day—he smiled as he remembered the warm August afternoon a few weeks earlier, when they unveiled the treehouse for Emma. He and Olivia had packed a picnic lunch, complete with PB & J's, made with natural peanut butter and homemade strawberry jam, for the whole family, as well as chips, and fruits and cheeses, and a giant thermos of Emma's favorite flavor of Kool-Aid: Sharkleberry Fin. It was a rare treat for her because ordinarily, her mamas didn't allow her to have sugary drinks.
As they walked out toward the pond, he couldn't help but notice the quiet that hung between Olivia and Natalia, where there had always been chatter, or affectionate bickering, or even laughter. And though the quiet, in and of itself, didn't really bother him, the weight of it as it loomed over them felt heavier than anything he'd ever experienced. It was like a presence that couldn't be denied, and yet, it felt impossibly frightening to acknowledge it.
At least Emma seemed more like herself as she skipped along beside him, chattering excitedly. He was ever grateful for that. Though she had been unusually somber herself at times, she seemed more able to adapt to the moment, embracing it for the simple joys that could be found even in the midst of sorrow. He wished, more than anything, that his mother and Olivia could find a touch of that, as well. The lack of it oft-times felt overwhelming.
Josh was waiting for them when they reached the treehouse. His blue eyes shining as he smiled at Emma, he was primed for the big unveiling. And with Emma's eyes peeled toward upper portion of the giant oak, Josh pulled the rope, allowing the heavy tarp to drop to the ground, revealing her new hideaway.
The moment she saw it, Emma squealed with delight. Hopping up and down excitedly, she clapped her hands as she rambled on and on about all the little details they had thought to include, like the shutters and the little door knocker, and the curtains she could see hanging through the windows—and she hadn't even seen the inside yet.
"Ma made those curtains for you," Rafe said, sounding both proud and excited about Natalia's involvement. It was something that had given him hope in the midst of devastation.
Whipping her head toward Natalia, Emma peered up at her, eyes wide with delight. "You did?"
Brushing her hand along the back of Emma's head, Natalia smiled down at her. And then she squatted down to her level, gently cupping her daughter's cheek. "I sure did, Jellybean," she said softly. "And I made you some pillows, and a few other things for your treehouse, too."
"Even though you're really sad?" Emma asked, her little voice cracking.
"Yes, Emma," Natalia answered, her own voice quiet and filled with pain. "No matter what happens, I'll always take care of you."
Overjoyed by the reassurance, Emma flung herself into Natalia's arms. "I love you, Mama," she declared, squeezing Natalia's neck as tightly as she could with her little arms.
Natalia couldn't help but smile as he held her daughter close. It was like a balm to her aching heart as she was reminded of the daughter she couldn't hold. "I love you too, Em," she whispered.
When Emma finally released Natalia from her hold, Rafe reached over, grasping her hand. "Come on, Em, I wanna show you the inside!" he said eagerly. "It's super cool up there."
Emma squealed again, and eagerly followed Rafe up the rope ladder to the platform. A moment later, he turned the handle on the door, pushing it wide open. She scrambled inside, exploring to her heart's content. And later, after she had finished her exploration, Olivia and Natalia reported that they could hear her squealing with delight with each new treasure she found tucked inside her treehouse.
Later that afternoon, as they lounged together on an old quilt just beneath the tree, sharing their picnic lunch, Rafe announced that Josh had hired him on full-time, promising to teach him the ins-and-outs of the construction business. He spoke of the opportunity with more enthusiasm than Natalia had ever heard from him, with the exception of the day she agreed to let him play Little League baseball with a group of his friends when he was eight years old. Little League had been an expense she really couldn't afford, and yet she'd found a way to make it happen, because it meant so much to him. And he had hugged her, and squealed excitedly for nearly half-an-hour before running outside to tell his friends he was in. The afternoon he scored his first home run, the smile on his face rendered every sacrifice she'd had to make completely worth the while.
"I'm really proud of you, Rafe," Natalia with a soft smile. She knew that didn't really sound like she meant it, but she did. She just couldn't manage to muster up any more enthusiasm at the moment.
"Thanks, Ma," Rafe sincerely. As much as it hurt that she didn't seem more excited, he understood the reasons why, and his heart ached deeply for her.
Olivia responded with a bright smile, and a warm, "Congratulations, Rafe. I know you'll do well with Josh. He thinks very highly of you."
Blushing, Rafe nodded bashfully. "Thanks," he said. And then he turned his attention to Natalia. "I know you really wanted me to work at the Beacon, Ma," he said, acknowledging her disappointment. "But… suits, and ties, and dress shoes, they really aren't my thing, y'know?"
"Well, they're not for everyone, Rafe," Natalia said, truly meaning it. She guessed she should be grateful that he wasn't drawn to that kind of life, lest Alan get his grubby paws on her son.
"Right," Rafe agreed. "I mean… I like workin' with my hands. And I like that I feel exhausted at the end of the day. It helps me sleep."
"I understand, Rafe," Natalia acknowledged. "I do still hope you'll consider going to college though."
"I will, Ma," Rafe replied. "I promise. I can do night classes, or even some online stuff."
"That's really great, Rafe," Olivia encouraged, offering Natalia a glimpse of hope where she could. Lord knew, those moments were few and far between these days.
"Yeah, I know!" He sounded excited about the idea. "I already looked into it, and it's not even that expensive since I can live at home."
"That's true," Olivia acknowledged. "And just so you know, if ever you change your mind, there will always be a place for you at BGRC."
Offering a slight smile, Rafe nodded. "Thanks, Olivia." Who knew? He might actually take her up on that… someday.
After they ate lunch, Rafe helped Olivia climb the rope ladder up to the treehouse, so she could have a look around. Natalia elected to stay firmly planted on the ground, relaxing on the old quilt. It wasn't that she didn't want to see the treehouse, but she and Olivia agreed that it was best that she not do anything to stress her body, given that she wasn't fully healed from her surgery. Just the walk out to the pond was more than Olivia was comfortable with, but Natalia had insisted she would be just fine, so Olivia relented.
Emma delighted in showing Olivia all the nooks and crannies of her new hideaway, including the little table and chairs where she could draw, or color, or even serve tea, and corner with the beanbag chairs and the little shelf filled with some of her favorite books. She said it reminded her of Riley's Reads on the Vineyard, and she couldn't wait to share the space with Jordan when they came to visit.
By the time Emma finished giving her the grand tour, Olivia was exhausted, but she couldn't stop smiling. She loved Emma's relentless enthusiasm, even in the midst of all the emotional stress. Not that Emma didn't have her moments of struggle, but somehow, she had managed to not let it take over her life. Olivia was certain only a child could manage such a feat.
Extending permission for Emma to stay in the treehouse until just before dinnertime if she wanted, she instructed her not to go any closer to the water, and then left her to her books. She stepped outside onto the platform, finding Rafe still waiting patiently for her.
"You didn't need to wait on me," she said lightly.
Bumping his fists against his thighs, he shrugged. "I just thought I'd help you back down the rope is all," he said.
"Well, thank you," Olivia replied warmly. She moved across the platform then, grasping the railing with her hands. "You did a fine job with the treehouse, Rafe," she acknowledged. "You're gonna be an amazing asset to Josh's team."
Not knowing what to do with his hands, Rafe shoved them into the pockets of his worn jeans. "Thanks," he shrugged, a bit bashfully.
Olivia smiled. "Anytime," she said sincerely. She never would've believed they would be standing here, talking so amiably with one another, but somehow they were, and she didn't have words for how grateful she felt for the shift in their relationship.
They fell silent for a moment, both of them looking out over the water as they leaned against the porch railing, each contemplating their own thoughts.
"Hey," Rafe said, his voice gently slicing through the shared quiet. "I was thinking maybe… you know, since I've got a good job now and everything, that maybe I could pay for the supplies to build my apartment. Josh said he'd sell it to me for cost, and…"
Realizing what it must mean for Rafe that not only could he afford to do something like that on his own, but that he truly wanted to, Olivia didn't dare discourage his desire for independence. Nodding, she smiled her approval. "I think the sense of satisfaction you'd get from that would be great for you, Rafe," she commented. "And I know it would make your Ma very proud."
Suddenly, Rafe didn't feel so excited anymore. Instead, he just felt sad. "You think she'd even notice?"
Olivia reached over, giving his shoulder a comforting squeeze. "I know things have been really rough," she commiserated. "But it's gonna be okay. I promise."
She hoped she sounded more convinced than she felt. Truth was she had no idea how Natalia would react, if she even reacted at all. It was hit-and-miss with her these days, almost to the point of being hellish, and she didn't really see any light at the end of the tunnel.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009… Dr. Felicia Boudreau's Office, Cedars Hospital, Springfield—8:15 a.m. Central Daylight Time
"When last we met, you talked about how you couldn't go on with life the way it was," Dr. Boudreau reminded, purposely not mentioning the way Olivia had bailed on the session. There would be plenty of opportunities to address that later. "But you weren't able to elaborate at that point."
"I'm not so certain I can elaborate even now," Olivia said quietly.
"And yet, here you are…"
Allowing the comment to dangle, Felicia leaned back in her chair, the way she always did when dropping one of her prompts disguised as a statement.
"Pathetic, I know," Olivia laughed sharply.
"Not pathetic, Olivia," Dr. Boudreau countered. "Necessary."
"What makes you think it's necessary?" Olivia challenged.
"I know you, Olivia Spencer," Felicia said evenly, speaking in that moment more as a friend than a physician. "Your presence in my office is not something that occurs without a great deal of forethought and inner grappling," she asserted. "So tell me… what is it you're grappling with exactly?"
Once again, Dr. Boudreau's gentle prodding forced Olivia to face the things that scared her. Like Natalia's adamant refusal to see their friends, or even talk with them when they called. And her total disinterest in seeing the completed renovations at the Beacon, including the atrium that she had worked so hard on. Olivia felt crushed because she was so excited for Natalia to see her first official Beacon design brought to life. But she hadn't been surprised by Natalia's indifference. Hell, she wouldn't even go to church anymore!
Over the course of several weeks, Natalia had isolated herself from all except Olivia, Emma, Ava, and Rafe, and even they had been held at a distance, emotionally speaking. And yet a few weeks ago, seemingly out of nowhere, she had insisted upon returning to work, arguing that it made sense, since Emma was starting school again that following Monday.
The urgency of Natalia's need to return to work worried Olivia, and she attempted to quell the plan by reminding her that they had planned to take at least three full months off of work. She realized how grave a mistake that had been when Natalia snapped, "Well, I don't really think we need that time anymore, now do we?"
In the end, Olivia managed to convince her that they should both ease back into the operations through BGRC business, since Jen and Tracy were doing such a remarkable job with running the Beacon. Thankfully, she was also able to convince her that working from home for the foreseeable future would be in everyone's best interest, given that their suite of offices was currently occupied. Immediately Natalia threw herself into the task of transforming Olivia's study into an office. By early Monday morning, she had a fully-functional office up and running, and by the afternoon, she had taken complete charge of all facets of BGRC administrative duties, leaving Olivia to wonder if she was even necessary… or wanted.
Olivia sighed. The doctor had her number, and she knew it. Despite her deepest need to believe so, there was no fooling her. "It just feels like my whole damned world is falling apart, Felicia," she said honestly. "I don't even know where to begin."
"I know there's a lot, Olivia, and that can feel really overwhelming," Dr. Boudreau recognized. "So try to narrow it down for me, okay? Why did you come here today?"
Olivia offered an unsteady smile in response. Even that felt overwhelming.
"People don't just wake up on a Wednesday morning, and say, 'I think I'll go see the shrink today'," Dr. Boudreau noted, a slight wry tone to her voice. "So what was the thing that felt so overwhelming that you decided today was the day to come back?"
Closing her eyes, Olivia drew in a deep breath, and releasing it slowly, she fought to maintain her composure. And then she flashed back to earlier that morning as she was driving Emma to school. Emma had been unusually quiet, prompting Olivia to ask if something was on her mind. The response she received rocked her to her core, and brought her to Felicia Boudreau's office.
"Will mama ever feel happy again?" Emma asked, little fingers fidgeting with the miniature pink and white kitty on the carabiner that snapped to the zipper of her Hello Kitty backpack.
"What makes you think she isn't happy, Jellybean?" Olivia asked, trying to keep her tone light, despite the crushing ache in her heart.
"Her eyes don't smile anymore," Emma answered, a touch of sadness in her voice.
That statement not only left Olivia speechless, it had nearly been her undoing, and still, she struggled to hold her emotions in check. She turned her attention back to the present, facing Dr. Boudreau squarely. "She takes care of Emma and me, just like she always has," she acknowledged. "She goes to work. Does the job with frightening efficiency, but everything is different. Emma's right, her smile never reaches her eyes."
"That must be very difficult for you to witness," Dr. Boudreau validated.
"It's better than watching her disappear from us," Olivia quietly confirmed, referring to the nearly six weeks Natalia had spent refusing to even leave their bed. "But yes, it's… almost unbearable."
"I would imagine she could say the same of watching you at times," Dr. Boudreau dared to venture.
"Yes, I suppose she could," Olivia granted.
"You're all still grieving in your own way, Olivia," Dr. Boudreau normalized.
"I don't know what to do, Doc," Olivia said, sounding hopeless. "She's still expressing her milk every three to four hours, and I'm still storing it in the freezer," she explained. "I don't wanna throw it away, because I'm afraid that'll upset her, but I had to start using the deep freeze in the laundry room, because there's so much of it now…"
Dr. Boudreau knew that providing finite details was a means of avoiding underlying emotions. "I can hear how much that concerns you," she empathized.
Olivia nodded. "She won't talk to me about Dantéa. She barely talks to me at all unless it's regarding work. She won't let me help her. She won't even let me touch her."
"And how does that make you feel?"
"Well, how the fuck do you think it makes me feel!" Olivia screeched.
And then she sighed, feeling angry with herself for the unnecessary outburst.
But Dr. Boudreau took it in stride. She understood that Olivia needed a safe space to expunge her anger, making room to embrace her grief. And so remaining silent, she allowed her that space.
"Helpless," Olivia sighed again, finally answering the question. She buried her face in her hands, staving off the tears that threatened. "I feel helpless."
Dr. Boudreau shook her head. "Helpless isn't a feeling, Olivia. It's a thought—a state of mind," she gently corrected. "Tell me about the feelings behind the thought that you're helpless in this situation. Mad, sad, glad, or scared?"
Silence fell again, this time lingering for a long time. "Sad," Olivia whispered finally. "I feel sad. And scared."
Now they were getting somewhere. "What is it that you fear the most, Olivia?" she asked.
Stunned by the directness of the question, Olivia grappled for several minutes. "Losing her," she finally confessed. "I'm afraid of losing the best thing that's ever happened to me."
"Yes," Dr. Boudreau said empathically. She understood Olivia's abandonment issues, and how they made this loss all the worse. "I imagine that's quite scary."
Sniffing back the tears, Olivia nodded as she dabbed at her eyes with a tissue. "I just… she's in so much pain," she said, her voice cracking with emotion. "And I don't know how to help her…"
The doctor looked at Olivia through eyes of compassion. "The best way you can help her right now, is to work through your own grief," she said, wisely.
"I have no idea how to do that," Olivia quietly confessed.
Leaning forward in her chair, Felicia reached out, gently squeezing Olivia's hand. "You can start by letting Dantéa go…"
TBC in Chapter 18.9…
Author's Note: This may well be the most unpopular update I've ever posted, as I realize this isn't the resolution you all wanted for Dantéa's battle. But I assure you, this wasn't a decision I made lightly, or in the moment. It was planned this way from the beginning, and as I told WickedWanda, I promise a compelling story will come of it, both as Confessions draws to a close, and as their story continues in Snapshots. I do hope you will all hang in there with me for the remainder of their journey.
Kim
P.S. Look for a new update to Snapshots in the very near future; possibly even this weekend.